stircrazy1975 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 First-time poster. I will get right to the brass tacks: I am 32, my wife is 29. We started dating 8 years ago, and have been married for 4. No children. We get along fine. She is a very nice individual, heart of gold, and we generally do not have arguments. The problem is that our marriage is completely devoid of passion. It is more like we are simply friends than spouses. Sex has been non-existant for some time now. Part of that is libido issue related to a medical problem that led to me having a low-testosterone level (that is getting addressed right now), but most of it is that I am simply not sexually attracted to her any longer. We have drifted apart over the last couple of years - but especially since the begining of this year. We have our own interests, generally, but seem to be going our separate ways more often than not. Compounding the issue has been a wandering eye I have really started to note, from myself, lately. I have never cheated on my wife and will never do so as long as we are married, but I am really feeling strong desires to "start dating" again; as ass-backwards as that sounds. Prior to getting together with my wife, my longest relationship was around 6 months. I guess I am just not cut out for long-term commitment. I am pretty sure that the best move would be to just go our separate ways, but am paralyzed by fear/apprehension of the fallout. Life isn't "terrible"...we are well-off financially and such, and it is easier to say and do nothing (suffer in silence, as it were)...because I know once the subject is broached, there is no turning back....and a lot of unpleasantness will lie ahead. Sometimes, I guess, it is just simpler to keep living an illusion. She really is a great person, and I know this would devastate her. On the same note, I can't imagine that she can't sense the same things I can...but she seems to be putting up a convincing front that everything is fine. I guess I am hoping for some words of advice, if possible.
smokiejjj Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Are you watching porn/internet porn behind her back. For SOME guys this can kill the sex drive for your wife.
Author stircrazy1975 Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Yes, I do indulge in internet porn/masturbation. However, that has been a staple since before her and I first started dating. It never proved to be a problem for the lion's share of our relationship. And the trouble is that emotionally/psychologically I don't even really view her as a sexual partner any longer - it is not JUST a physical issue. I touched upon it before, but since I had my medical issues addressed, my libido has returned close to what I feel should be 100%. It is strange to describe the transformation of feelings I have undergone towards this woman. Once upon a time (though it seems long ago), I was madly attracted to her...but those feelings just don't exist any longer.
Mike1966 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 It's very difficult to know what to tell you. I can tell you this, if you were EVER attracted to her, that can return over time. As much as you may discount it, the porn/masturbation addiction you have is likely a huge contributor of the lack of need for intimacy between you and your wife. Marriage and a life together is a commitment and takes effort. It really sounds like maybe the fire has gone out a little bit and rather than do what it takes to start the fire again you want to justify getting out. Justification is easy, we all can do it. If you can't get past this stuff or just plain aren't willing to go, be honest with your wife and let her find someone deserving of her. From your own words she sounds like a wonderful person deserving of someone who will commit to caring for her and treating her good. I"m not making any excuses for you and believe you should see a counselor and maybe try to figure a few things out before calling it quits. Any successful marriage takes work. The "feeling" of love and romance won't always be there. That's where your COMMITMENT comes in by making the DECISION to do what you should do, regardless of how you may feel at the time.
blind_otter Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Maybe you're just jonesing for that high you get when you first meet someone special. We all know that high eventually goes away. Some people solve this problem by jumping from relationship to relationship, never letting more than 6 months-1 year pass before ending a relationship and starting a new one. It sounds like you stopped trying a long time ago.
AnonyMOUSE18 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Your story sounds VERY similar to mine - except I am the woman on the receiving end of this situation. (Quick rundown of similarities: 8 year relationship, 4 year marriage, great camaraderie between us, best of friends but mutual sexual stagnation, STBXH was online seeking sex. One difference is that my STBXH ended up on sex chat sites via porn sites, and when I was out of town he met up with someone. He cheated for a month before things got too messy for him to handle, and he took off.) I agree with everyone's advice here so far. One thing I can say is that this needs to be discussed with your wife. The sexual stagnation and your wandering eye need to be out in the open with her, so she knows the seriousness of how you are feeling, and has the opportunity to realize and express her own feelings of sexual frustration. I do think that it happens in every relationship, and can really fog up your feelings for the other person if left unacknowledged and unresolved. Rekindling the spark would take effort, and its definitely harder than just finding a new sexual mate - but as horny as you feel, try to remember all the non-sexual parts of a complex partner relationship. Remember how hard it is to find someone you connect with and get along with in all those non-sexual ways. It sounds like you have great respect for your wife, and she has great respect for you. The sex is important, but its not gone forever - it can be rekindled, especially if you seek help with a counselor about that. As for your wife, she needs to know about this, no matter what your decision is. It sounds like you care about her very much and do not want to hurt her. In that case, be gentle but honest, and let her know what you're thinking and feeling. (One of the biggest problems between my STBXH and I was that he did not share any of his wandering eye / frustration feelings with me, ever, until the day he left. Its horribly painful for the person on the receiving end of such shocking news, all at once like that.) I agree with Mike's comment - that a committed marriage in essence is meant to help the partners through times like these. When it would be easier to run away, that's when the partners need to honor their vows and at least try to make it work. It sounds like there are many positive things about your relationship, and these are things you would be throwing away by walking off without sharing your frustrations with your wife and trying to find a solution. Here's another dimension of the situation: Do you want to have children someday? I'm just curious. Best of luck with everything. *hugs*
Author stircrazy1975 Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Oddly enough, last night during supper, SHE brought up this matter. Essentially she has been sensing our drifting apart for some time now, and remained silent in the hopes that things would improve. We agreed to give things some thought over the next few days and re-open the topic this weekend. We also both agreed that the status quo isn't cutting it - we either put some serious work into this marriage or we need to consider moving on separately. In one sense it is a relief that this is out there, but in another it is still a lot to handle. I really need to put some serious thought into the direction I want to go in, over the next few days. There is so much to consider.
Mike1966 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Yes, I do indulge in internet porn/masturbation. However, that has been a staple since before her and I first started dating. It never proved to be a problem for the lion's share of our relationship. . I'm going to mention again to you that it isn't a question as to whether or not this is a problem for your relationship....................it is, without a doubt. Anytime you use porn for sexual satisfaction, you're setting the intimacy you share with your spouse up for failure. No way will she be able to compete against the "perfect babes" of the internet. I hope you realize how much of an issue this is. I'd recommend you talk with someone who deals with this type of thing. This issue will likely inhibit any relationship you may have in the future.
sumdude Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Well there's a couple observations ... you started dating your wife when you were 24 and she was 21. So maybe you feel you didn't get a lot of 'sowing your oats' time or something like that? Sex changes over time in a long relationship. We expect things to just 'happen' like they used to. But after time you have to work at it .. restore the passion. Take a step back and remember how you acted and the things you did when you first met, before the daily routine of years made things more mundane. ] As far as porn... I started resorting to it when the sex life wasn't fullfilling enough ... or at least to MY expectations.. In life you have to manage your expectations, no one will ever meet all of you expectations and you will never meet all of someone else's expectations. Yeah the 'buzz' of running around again might seem quite alluring and exciting. It might be ... for a while. Then it'll probably settle in that the emotional connection and security isn't there. Then it will probably be too late. My wife left me in January.. since then you know what I really miss? sex some sure ... haven't been paying the feild in some ways dating is just a PITA.. no, I miss that person being there, knowing me, knowing her, today I think about how last year we decorated the house and had fun with Halloween.. Then X-MAS comes .. all those things you take for granted sharing with someone will disappear. I guess somre people are better at playing hopscotch...
sumdude Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Oh yeah this too... you've hit the old seven year itch... There really does seem to be a seven year pattern to sexual relationships... my wife left me after 7 1/2 years. Right around 7 years she started getting antsy If you get past this.. and both of you should put in the effort. Your relationship will grow. No relationship is going to be 40 - 50 years of excitement but 10 years from now do you want to be starting over and over and over?
jmargel Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 We often get so comfortable in a relationship that we take each other for granted. Picture some guy coming upto your wife and hitting on her and putting moves on her. Would this make you jealous? If you saw her with her arm around someone else would this get you upset? I know where you are coming from w/ the sex aspect. Women don't realize how important it is to us men. They think it's just an 'act' and we are only concerned about getting off. When a relationship lacks sex, alot of the other things associated with the attraction you have with your spouse starts to drift as well. My suggestion for you two is a counselor and to start actually spending time with each other. Even if it means going for a walk together every night, devote at least some time each night to getting to bond to each other again.
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