dangerpanda Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Alright, question time. 20 year old woman has never had any kind of relationship or intimacy besides kissing. I am her first love, first boyfriend and her first and only sexual partner. I met her in summer 2003. We kept in touch sporadically online and via phone up until 2005 when I left for the Navy. All the way through boot camp, school, and my first ship she kept in constant touch. She went to Paris in August 2006 for a year international exchange and in November 2006 expressed her attraction to me, she liked me for a long time, she's had these feelings, she'd been watching me with other girls, waiting for her chance, etc and she was happy I liked her too. We started a LDR and she came out to see me in February 2007 for 2 weeks - Valentines Day. This was when she lost her virginity. After she went back to France, we kept it strong. I have always been nice, strong, supportive and caring. We decided next best time to get together was for her birthday and my birthday (Sept 28 - Oct 10 2007). She moved back to California from Paris in July. Around this time I fell pretty hard in love with her and still am. Since returning home to California, she has broken up with me 3 times. Every time, she says it's because "she's confused", she "can't get her heart and mind in sync" and that her friends insisting she needs to spend more time with them, and I don't deserve her. Her friends are all single/casually sleeping around and don't understand/endorse committed relationships. 2 weeks ago, she buys me a ticket to California. She wants me to meet her parents - and I do. The understanding was I come meet the parents, leave for 7 months, come back and we get married and move in together in Washington DC. I was ready to propose and everything. I had the ring the entire time I was there. I am told I can stay at the house and don't have to get a hotel. About two hours later, her friends show up and when the dad asks the friends about me, they tell the dad: we've broken up before,details of arguments,names called back and forthI have multiple girlfriends in the militaryI have cheated on herThey even called me a stalker and falsely accused me or hitting her.The dad asks me to leave. I try to explain and am told to "shut the hell up and get out." Understandable. As I leave the house, she and I end up talking in her driveway for +4 hours. She says she wants to see what else is out there, her friends don't accept me or like me, I may cheat on her in the military, her dad doesn't like me now because "her friends were just trying to look out for me." I leave with the understanding she needs time to cool down and stop being stupid. 2 days later, she changes her number. I have no contact with her the rest of the time I'm in CA (Oct 2 - Oct 10). Upon my return home, she sends me an email saying:she doesn't love me anymore.she hates me.I'm "verbally abusive".She "doesn't want to be a "submissive girlfriend".She has no regrets.Her friends hate me.I need to move on.We were never meant to be together.Since that time, she has kept in touch with my two little sisters and my best friend (guy). All three have brought me up in conversation, and all three times she said she's "keeping busy and trying to move on". Her and I also share 7 or 8 mutual friends and she has told all of them she is moving on and wants nothing to do with me. Currently the mutual friends and her girlfriends (all females) are engaged in some sort of war over whether this was really messed up not. The mutual friends are really supportive of me even though they are all females and have know her longer and despise this group of friends she works/parties with. She is a late bloomer (the girl didn't have her first kiss until she was 19) and I knew there was a risk this 2008 college grad would go "wild" and "want to be free" when I entered into the relationship. But I figured she would - and she was - be faithful and I could have something serious, which is what I'm looking for. From the beginning of the relationship, she stressed:I stood out from all the other guys.She was attracted to my intelligence as well as sexually/physically.I had "a drive that she loves, and a charm that sweeps her off her feet."She liked that I was culturally aware and diverse.She said - many times - she liked that "I know what I want."She wanted to get married almost immediately.Her girlfriends: Don't go to school/college (she's the only one)haven't traveled to Europe/abroad (she just did a year in Paris, int. ex)aren't financially stable (her parents are loaded)they party and club excessively (they have even given her a nickname, "Smashley" because of her low alcohol tolerance.)They had absolutely no contact with her when she left for the year in France. It was not until she returned to America they talked/hung out again.Will she come back? About myself: no tattoosno piercingsno kids/"baby mama" nonsense - no children PERIOD.no drugs - eversocial drinkervery proper/articulate (so I'm told)socially/culturally awareopinionatedpatrioticno kids.stable familystable paystable jobEXCITING job - military intelligencewomen always tell me to smile more, they like my smile, etc.Color me conceded, but I think - and have been told - I'm the perfect "take home guy" - so what happened? I'm military and am leaving for seven months next week, so she's got and I will give her plenty of time to figure out what she wants. I hate the indecisiveness and flakiness. The girl told me she wanted a committed relationship and then apparently changed her mind because her "friends" don't approve. Not to mention the family think I'm some kind of wife beater/player now. Is this feasible or no? I want a serious. committed relationship with her. Distance should not be an issue when I return as I will be in the states for the foreseeable future and she graduates college June 2008. I am more confused and annoyed than hurt. It makes absolutely no sense to me, and is beginning to impact my work/concentration. Tell me what you guys think. Can this work? Fixable? Will she come back?
Cobra_X30 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Dude, she is a headtrip! I cant see why you would waste your time on her. I think you need to just step outside and yell... NEXT! Why? Because you can do so much better than some retard chick who cant figure out if she likes you or not... who wont stand up to her friends in front of her own parents for you!
dancinggal Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 You sound like the perfect boy. Can I have your number? (Jokes!) Seriousy though, what are you doing with this girl? Why is she so special to you? Is it because she lost her virginity to you? What about her makes her so great, because if you read your post, it looks like she's more interested in hanging around and being influenced by a bunch of people who seem terrible, not to mention hurtful to her in their actions. Believe me, a guy like you will find plenty of ladies that want the same things: we aren't all crazy I promise. Things to keep in mind are that she probably does need some time to get her head straight, and maybe go a little wild right now. If you are really keen on her, leave it for now, and see what happens in a couple of years, ie, if she's more mature of whatever. Not only that, if you want to have a long distance relationship with someone, things need to be fairly stable or you are going to have problems every week about something (I'm guessing you have to travel a bit with your job). Possibly, you're one of those guys who like to be in a solid relationship where you are into the girl instead of having casual affairs (my boyfriend is the same way, its what attracted me to him, even though I'd never really done the serious relationship thing, always seemed like so much work). But I'd say, have some fun for now. You're travelling the world with your amazing job, go have a great time doing that. Meet some people, see what happens. There will be PLENTY of girls waiting around for you when you're ready to settle down, believe me. But this one just doesn't seem right for you (from what you've said).
Author dangerpanda Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 I see what you're saying, and all of that makes sense. But I like everything about her, it's just this immaturity/indecisiveness (which I accept and knew full well was going to be there, it's just so annoying, I'm 22, she's 21 now.) The friends are (obviously) a bad and negative influence, but, because I'm mature enough to recognize that, I also recognize she's going to have to come to this realization on her own. I don't want to control her, or influence her at all. What attracts me to her the most is her refusal to fit in (she's black and asian and she's a French major, lol), her drive and all the cute things that make her unique. I don't expect her to know everything or for the relationship to run perfectly, but if she needs guidance getting it from these girls is a recipe for disaster. I mean, they ruined her 21st birthday party - AT HER HOUSE - just to spite me, and make me look bad in front of the father. She's at fault for not standing the hell up and saying something. But they are at fault for interfering, and I'm really disappointed and confused more than anything. Is clubbing that important? I mean, I can't even begin to count how many ex's/female friends I know that would KILL for committment - hell, some of them can't get the dude to pick up the phone. I'm over here, constantly traveling, committed to someone - LIKE THEY ASKED - and she wants to see what's out there? No. That's my issue here. What do I do about that? I know it seems cut and dry, like, there's nothing I can do, "move on", but I really don't think she understands what it's like out there. I return calls. I don't bait. I don't make women chase. I don't cling. I don't boss or harrass. I'm there, I'm supportive and I'd like to think I'm sophisticated to the point that if you want to talk about art or dance or salsa music or French literature or politics I can respond in a meaningful way, instead of yawning. And then right after go the club, if she wants. I guess I'm pretty mad the friends think I'm "boring" BECAUSE I'm stable/military/committed, etc. What do I have to do? Light up a blunt? (one of the boyfriends of my ex's friends was HIGH, SO HIGH on weed, he couldn't stand up. The dad knew it and I knew it. That also makes me shake my head in disbelief.)
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 About myself: no tattoosno piercings . . . the perfect "take home guy" Aw c'mon, and here we thought that only purely random people flipped coins and said: "heads I get a tattoo today, and tails I get a piercing today", with either being a first one... What I really love, is that when describing yourself, you began right with those two. It makes more sense to start there (and conveys more about you) than a lot of people will admit.
Author dangerpanda Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Aw c'mon, and here we thought that only purely random people flipped coins and said: "heads I get a tattoo today, and tails I get a piercing today", with either being a first one... What I really love, is that when describing yourself, you began right with those two. It makes more sense to start there (and conveys more about you) than a lot of people will admit. The reason I mentioned is because I finally got to see these girls boyfriends - and that told me all I needed to know. Even the dad was taken aback. On one hand, you had this guy, he's high as a kite, at his girlfriends best friend's 21st birthday party - at her PARENTS HOUSE - with 2 nose rings, a ripped t-shirt and you could smell the weed. He brought a hooka to the party. A hooka. Meanwhile, I'm wearing khakis and a polo shirt and the dad is showing off his gun collection and liquor to me, bragging about his days in the Marines. That's all I'm saying. These guys hadn't met the dad before, either. And I'll give the guy credit, if I had a daughter, and I was in the position I would have removed myself from the party, probably by force. He didn't like what he heard and he was disappointed. It all went downhill from there and I'm posting to find out why she would make a decision like that. She didn't talk to these girls for a year plus, and we've been going out for over a year, how could she let that happen?
dancinggal Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 On the thing about clubbing - I love clubbing! Its not important to me in any way, but its fun to go out and dance and have a great time meeting new people. That being said, I'm kind of growing out of it, and I'm about to turn 22 (next week), so maybe she'll grow out of it too. I agree, there are a lot of girls who want steady commitment and can't get it. I guess its a lesson she needs to learn the hard way. Particularly as her first boyfriend has been so great, she probably thinks it will be easy to find it anywhere. But perhaps she needs to get all the partying/wildness out of her before she's ready to commit herself. She just realised this world was out there, and she wants to explore it (fair enough. I've been doing that since I was 16, so I'm a little over it now. But it was fun to begin with!) It sounds like you are the type of guy who is macho, yet still sensitive (you're in the navy, but people can have good conversations with you, etc). She is going to learn it is EXTREMELY hard to find guys like that. Its one of the main reasons I'm hanging on to my boyfriend. Its a lesson that needs to be learnt, people can tell you all they want, but if you can't understand it, there's no point. Step back a bit. Its obviously what she wants. Still be there for her, because it sounds like you are really into her, and that she needs someone stable in her life considering her friends are crazy. She'll come around when she learns how hard it is out there to find someone great to love, if she discovers thats what she wants.
dancinggal Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Oh, and I forgot to mention, you guys have been in LDR for a year now, right? Maybe she got bored, and that's why she's hanging around these friends.
dancinggal Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Bored of the relationship. It happens to me all the time. I watch my friends in couples being with someone they are into, I watch my single friends going on dates. And its like, I'm in limbo in my relationship, I can't do anything with him, and I can't do anything without him either. It can get really frustrating, I sometimes think of it as cutting out that part of you, the part that feels sexy, or romantic or whatever, because you can't truly play out those feelings with someone, while even if you are single, you can at least go out and meet people and feel that excitement that goes with it (even if nothing comes out of it). That being said, there are people who have overcome those feelings, maybe by expressing their romantic or sexual feelings in letters or gifts or via webcam, however they choose to do it. My boyfriend and I don't always have time to spend on our relationship like that, which is why I get bored of it sometimes. And it takes real strength for me to look at what we have and know that I just have to wait out the next 4 months until I get to feel like that again. Did you guys do anything to keep the relationship 'alive' while you were apart? If not, maybe that's why she went out seeking new fun with these old friends.
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