hiswife Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Hubby and I married at an early age. Both of us freshly out of relationships..him living with his mother, and me having my own apartment. We fell in love fast, got pregnant 6 months after knowing him...got married 6 months later. We have both changed. We both have become parents, he has a well established career and well liked in our community. I feel that he is starting to grow away from me. I feel like I am stopping him from reaching his dreams. A couple of weeks ago, he got offered a job working with the Task Force in our State. He kindly accepting without talking to me about it first(this is pretty much all volunteer work). He is an already busy man. It seems like he tries to make everyone else happy before his own family. He was without a job for SIX months, finally started working again and we are VERY behind on bills. His paychecks are pretty much taking care of the VERY late house payments and my money is taking care of all the other bills. We barely have enough money to put gas in our cars after taking care of the bills and food. A couple of days ago, they asked him if he could travel two states over for training. He of course kindly accepted that too. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I feel that he is neglecting his family. He doesn't get paid for this job unless he gets called out on a disaster area. We don't have the money for him to drive 2 states away for him to be "playing" around. And I felt very hurt by him not thinking about our family situation. I would have been stuck at home with 2 kids...with no working brakes on my van (that he was supposed to fix 3 weeks ago). I feel that he never thinks about us. He thinks about his self first. He was going to do whatever he could to get over there. Mow grass...whatever he could to earn money. But why couldn't he do that last week when I had to borrow $40 from my family? I ended up telling him that I thought it was wrong for him wanting to go. He says that I'm not being supportive of his dreams. That he shouldn't have to ASK for PERMISSION to go somewhere. Now I feel that he is going to resent me for not "letting" him go. He isn't being supportive of the family at all. I have been so supportive of him...he just doesn't see it. I supported his ass while not being able to find work for MONTHS. I kept my mouth quiet while my kids were wanting milk...when we didn't have the money to buy it right then or having hamburgers for 3 nights in a row....that is me being supportive. I didn't complain one time. I made the best of a really hard situation. I know you are all going to say that we are young,and this relationship isn't going to work because we are 2 totally different people with different goals. But I feel that we are stronger than this. I just hate having to remind my husband all the time about his priorities. I feel that he wants to do whatever makes him happy. We have been married going on 5 years. I don't want to give up on our relationship...but I need someone in my life that will put his family first. I respect that he is a firefighter/EMT/Ohio Task Force Worker...but where does husband and father fit in anymore?
quankanne Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 it could be that he feels he can trust you to take care of the home fires (so to speak), while he does the necessary networking and stuff to help him advance in this career, to the point where y'all don't have to worry about having those kinds of job/money/support problems again. And because he's thinking along those terms, he honestly may not see this as selfish behavior but as his way of not failing again in his responsibility of caring for his family ... maybe it's time to get with a counselor to help you set mutual goals that you both feel comfortable making sacrifices for as you pursue them. Because it honestly sounds like a lack of communication and understanding than anything else. I don't mean to say that you're wrong for being upset, but it looks like you're trying very hard to focus on the big picture, and that will work to the best advantage for the marriage.
Author hiswife Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Thanks for responding. I have been looking for some insight. I know that my husband is not intentionally trying to neglect us...but he is. I know that he is trying to further his career, but it is not the right time in our lives for it. I supported him while he went to school (WHILE NOT WORKING) to be an EMT. That set us back a long ways. Now he wants me to support him doing this...not making money. I feel sometimes that he is like a kid in a candy store. He wants everything, and will try to get it. I guess that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I know that he is reaching for his goals...but I am tired of watching. WOW I SOUND LIKE A BITCH. Here i am telling my husband not to do something he is so passionate about. It's not the fact that I don't want him to reach for his dreams...we just don't have the money for it now. And I will sit him down and tell him that. I want him to do whatever he can to better himself. I just wish I didn't have to be the bad guy all of the time.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 It's interesting to read your story, as I married my first wife (also very young) because I was attracted to her carefree, idealistic and fun approach to life, much in contrast to my own serious, methodical self. Unfortunately, as time went by (and as we had a child), like you I became the "bad guy". Her - "Let's buy this!" Me - "We can't afford it". Her - "Let's go here!" Me - "I can't get the time off" Etc., etc., etc. Sounds like, not only are your goals different, but your approach to life is dissimilar as well. This sucks for you because it's a lot more fun being the "yes" man than it is being the anchor. You're going to have to make him understand that you don't mind if he saves the world as long as he takes care of his family too. Hope it works out for you... Mr. Lucky
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Can you remind him, gently, that his children barely know who their father is because he is already so busy, and him not being around much and not doing much daddy stuff with them will hurt him deeply one day when he realizes how much of their childhood he missed, and how his kids don't care if he's around or not anymore?
michaelk Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 WOW I SOUND LIKE A BITCH. Here i am telling my husband not to do something he is so passionate about. It's not the fact that I don't want him to reach for his dreams...we just don't have the money for it now. And I will sit him down and tell him that. I want him to do whatever he can to better himself. I just wish I didn't have to be the bad guy all of the time. You don't sound like a bitch. You sound incredibly supportive, and the fact that you are so hesitant to tell him "no" illustrates this. It's great that you let him do what he wants, provided that he meets his familial responsibilities first. Before he had children, it was fine for him to run all over, take classes, not work - because he was the only one who had to pay the consequences for those actions. If he chose to live on beans and rice so he could do something he wanted to, that would have been okay. Guess what? That all changed when he became a father. He cannot put his own pursuits ahead of his kids' having milk to drink and nourishing food to eat. I don't care how young he is, he's capable of understanding this. So stop beating yourself up. You're not a bad person for pointing this out to him. You're just being a good mother. The two of you need to sit down and discuss this. If that doesn't work, get a counselor involved. And make sure he knows that it's not you giving or withholding permission to do certain things. He needs to do that himself, based on a proper set of priorities.
Author hiswife Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 We had a talk about it last night. I told him that I was being supportive of him...but like you said...when it starts to effect my kids, that is where I draw the line. My kids will always come first in my life. After bitching at him for 20 minutes on the phone(I need to learn how to control my emotions) and hanging up on him. I cleared my head and told him exactly how I felt without crying and bitching. He really respected what I had to say. He said he just wish I would have told him how I felt in the first place. We just have a lot of communication problems. I try to make him happy all of the time...although sometimes I feel that his choices are wrong...and I need to step up!
michaelk Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I cleared my head and told him exactly how I felt without crying and bitching. He really respected what I had to say. He said he just wish I would have told him how I felt in the first place. We just have a lot of communication problems. I try to make him happy all of the time...although sometimes I feel that his choices are wrong...and I need to step up! Good for you! That's fantastic. Maybe you two will learn the lesson that it took my W and I nearly 20 years to learn. You don't do yourself any favors by hiding your thoughts and feelings from your spouse. Yes, it's natural to worry how they might react, but in the end their reactions are their responsibility, not yours. Just make sure that what they are reacting to is the real, honest, open you. Best wishes! MK
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