soulseeker Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Hello all. Need your advice. Met this guy in the office next door. We became friends. He wanted to date me, I did not want to date him. His ex gf tells me all of these horrible things about him. Abuse - physical/mental, manipulation, etc. So I stop hanging out with him. Then it seems to me that his ex is stalking him, from things that I have seen personally, so I decide to be friends with him. THings are great for a few months. Last Sat, we were out with another one of my friends and are having a great time. Friend confesses that he still likes me and asks me out again. I dont say anything because I dont want to, but we are in the middle of having a great time at a party and I feel blind-sided. Next day he calls me twice to ask em out, I dont answer. I find out today that he ended up going out that night on a date with my friend. I dont care what they do, but I introduced them. I feel that if he is any of those nasty things his ex said about him, well then Ill feel responsible for not warning my friend. BUT, I have never seen this side of him...what am I to do? THough I do find it odd that he ended up going out with her the same night he asked me out...I dont want my friend to be in a dangerous position. Please help!
oppath Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 You wait until she complains about a nasty side of him. I never once tried to manipulate my ex and I never expressed anger during our relationship -- but I'm sure she'd say I went pyscho on her. Why? Because her ex bf would fly into town and hang out with her all day, spend the night at her house, ask her if she was dating anyone and she'd tell him no (so as not to hurt his feelings), and when he did find out about me, he proposed to her. I never knew any of this. I found out a few weeks after the breakup -- which came out of the blue for me -- and she asked me to be friends with benefits in that period. I was furious because I felt cheated on and that she USED me for sex, or wanted to, when she knew I was hurt. My response was that I reamed her out in an email and I threatened to tell her ex about me in detail (since I suspected even with the proposal, which she said no to, he still didn't know she had a boyfriend), though I did not follow through on it, and I apologized for it. There's a good chance she didn't **** him -- therefore not cheating from her perspective -- but from mine she did. So you see, I have a side of the story, just as my ex does. Her side is "Oppath went pyscho." My side is "she cheated on me and wanted to manipulate me into a FWB relationship after she dumped me, until someone she felt was better came along, so I expressed anger." Your options are to ask this guy: "so what is the deal with your ex. How did your relationship end?" or just WAIT until your friend complains. He surely has a side to the story too so you can't presume that his ex is telling the truth. People can act pretty irrational during breakups. We've all been there at some point. Actually, I think it is best just to ask him about his ex, because even if your friend complains about something, it still doesn't mean what his ex said is true. Best to get his side of the story.
Author soulseeker Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Thanks Oppath, I have asked about his ex, jsut because I dont want to associate myself with someone who is abusive. He has admitted that he has gotten angry with her. And I think you bring up a vaild point about irrationality in a break up. I would never acuse someone of something like this unless it were true, so to hear about it made me quite nervous. And maybe I should jsut let her figure it out on her own, but if it is not true, shouldnt his character back that up? Why not just say something like: I have no proof of this, and I hang out with him so I am obviously not worried about it, but... Thing is, I have met a couple of people over the past few years that I thought I really knew and it turned out they were not at all the person I thought. I would feel awful if something bad did happen and I had information that may have prevented it. Anyway Oppath, you didnt beat your ex, did you? Thats one thing his ex acuses him of. I was fine with the whole deal with him, and felt comfortable around him, but the ex ran into the two of them out the other night and then sent me an email at work warning me about him again. So now I am freaking out again.
oppath Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 No, I only raised my voice to her once in our relationship: it was because she was "too busy. I told you I have things to do." when I asked her, coming back from holiday, "when will we be able to get together to exchange christmas gifts and celebrate my birthday." Them be fighting words. A girl who broke up with me wouldn't ask me to be friends with benefits if I were abusive and had anger problems. I'd hope not. That would be dumb. And she wouldn't hang out with me for 6 hours before breaking up with me either. But my ex did tell plenty of people I went psycho, only she left out a big part of the story. So if his ex was complaining about things that happened DURING the relationship, that is a lot different than being bitter or angry because of how a breakup occurred. A lot different. Nonethless, he has a side of the story, and there is probably a third side of the story too.
Author soulseeker Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Well, turns out the ex showed up when my friend's were hanging out and made a big scene, accusing my friend of all the stuff I mentioned. So, I guess I dont need to worry about it. The email the ex sent me this morning accusing my friend of many bad things scared the hell out of me. I am constantly learning that people do not behave the way I would like them to. Thanks Oppath
oppath Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 That would scare me too. I caused a bit of a scene too with some of my ex's friends -- who I considered my friends loosely -- in that I tried to say "I'm sorry if I said hurtful things to her, I have a side of the story, but it's best left in the past because she is your friend and she's a great woman." That was months ago. I don't know what I would do if I ran into her. I probably would make a small scene only because I never received an "I'm sorry" or an acknowledgement of my apology, and while I would be civil at first, I know I'd be treated coldly, and a "what the **** did I do to you compared to what you did to me" would surely slip out of my mouth. If she were to say "hey, I'm sorry about that drama and my part in it" I'd be cool. She will never do that. I always accept my roll in things as I know taking responsibility is what diminishes drama. If someone gets really angry with me, uncharacteristically, I find something in their argument I can agree with and take responsibility for, and I apologize. This sounds like a mess. If she had said "he's a good guy, but he treated me badly. Sometimes good people make mistakes" you'd be curious, but non threatened. It's good you are looking out for your friend. I'd recommend she love with her eyes OPEN. If she now knows he had a bad relationship with his ex, it's really up to her to ask questions. How long ago did they break up?
Author soulseeker Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 They broke up more than a year ago. How long has it been since you two broke up? From what you write on here, you seem like a nice guy. I'd say let by-gones be by-gones with her. My ex never treated me right. He never said he was sorry either. It was in my best interest not to expect much from him post breakup, and you know what? I havent been let down. It is awesome. I never yelled at him or freaked out either. I kept my dignity. That feels great too. Plus, I didnt waste all this energy thinking about what I would say to him, given the chance.
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