Jmina Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Its just about 6 months since she left. and 2-3 months since we spoke. i am doing so much better, and i dont think of her as often.. but i just made a mistake. i went into my emails and found an email she wrote named 'sorry' it basically gave me all the excuses she had to why she left me, why she stayed with me for so long when she felt things werent right for her. she ended it saying shes sorry and that i will be fine! It made me furious... again. sorry doesnt cut it. i fell in love with this woman and showed her my feelings for 11 months. from the depths of my heart and soul. i sang to her i cried to her i dedicated my dance to her, i loved her so much for almost a year, and she tries to say sorry in a pathetic email. i dont remember being this angry when i first read it months ago.. but i am now. I can't stop crying again. I feel so betrayed, and like my heart has just been ripped out again. What a stupid girl to stay with me and see me falling hard for her and not end it coz she didnt have the guts. she ended the email like she was happy with what she wrote, like she was happy that i knew how she felt and that she found peace with herself and that she "knew" i would be fine. like it was so simple I hate what has happened. i didnt deserve it. i need some help desperately if anyone is reading this right now. all my strength has gone out the window, all my own advice is clouded and im just feeling anger pain sadness and grief. 6 months on... Jmina.
KittenMoon Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I'm not trying to sounds trite, but don't beat yourself up. This stuff happens. I can relate- I'm going through the same thing (again) over a year and a half after my break-up. Just let yourself feel the anger. Cry. Scream. Write long ranty pages and then delete or destroy them. You're not alone in this. I too gave my relationship everything I had. And my ex has apologized endlessly and admitted all our problems were all his fault. I know how you feel- it's all empty because they say it now when they should have said it then. I know the anger you feel- my ex makes me wanna scream when he admits how he screwed up our relationship because why does it matter if he's never done or is going to do anything to fix it? "I'm sorry" is never enough- it's never really anything but salt in our wounds. Like I said- let it out. Don't keep it bottled up. It just cause more damage on the inside.
Author Jmina Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Thankyou for replying. I really wasnt ready to read it again... i thought it wouldnt affect me like this because i've been feeling better. How do you know when you are ready to look at things like that again?such an unexpected reaction i had. How are you going through it again after a year and a half? is he back in the picture? im just waiting for her to come back. i knwo she will. i dont know why or how but im pretty certain shel be back. one of those gut feelings. although i dont think it will be for a while. she cant be stupid enough to contact me yet. im glad i have ls to turn to in the wee hours of the morning. it does help. im so hurt again. i just feel like saying to her "dont you knwo how much i loved you, and still love you?(actually at the moment im not feeling much love) do you know how much you burnt me!" i want to let it all out and then i want to find peace again. A HUGE thing i am aware of when people are coping is closing off their heart. i dont want that to happen. but at the same time i dont want to deny any anger i have. i dont want to stay bitter or resentful. its not healthy. i guess a day of it wont hurt, as long as i work it out and forgive her and myself AGAIN. ='(
funkybassplayer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 IV just hit the 6 month mark, and it does bring up stuff, but for me, i was happyness for the good times, and sadness for what is now gone, but im ok with the emotions. That letter she wrote was not a letter to say sorry, but a letter to release her own guilt. She has wrote you that because she felt guilty that she put you throught that, and not because she was sorry. That is why its bringing up a deep rage in you that is clearly still there. She wrote it to help forgive herself, and for her to move on. If she would have wrote it now, then it would have come from a place where she truly is sorry, but all your picking up from the letter is the vibe in which it was written, and that to expell her guilt. Your not feeling forgivness b/c you know that letter was not about you but about her. The way forward, would be to understand how she wrote it and why, cos in that letter, shes telling you she is guilty for treating you that way. You wont move on untill you can forgive her for that.
Author Jmina Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 thankyou. i think you are right. it really was a way for her to release any guilt. that i will remember when i am trying to forgive her. i wont yet. i cant. i have been happy, ive been able to look back and be happy for what we had, greatful for the time and have left it at that. i thought i had pretty much forgiven her, and myself. i was proud that i had kept my heart open to life instead of closing it up. but there is still some anger there that i was ignoring because i felt to inlove to be angry at her. i have been so desperate in attempt to stay openhearted and kind and who i was when i started out that i didnt want any anger to pull me down and create an unhealthy life. but i must deal with this. she has done things that i really didnt think she would do. i am now starting to see her in a different light. i hadnt yet taken her off the pedistal. i didnt know how. she had defenetly come down a bit but not completely. i think this might help with that. thanks heaps funky.
KittenMoon Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Thankyou for replying. I really wasnt ready to read it again... i thought it wouldnt affect me like this because i've been feeling better. How do you know when you are ready to look at things like that again?such an unexpected reaction i had. Y'know, I don't know. Recently I took out the box where I put all our pictures and gifts, etc. I feel like I'm looking at something fake, like those Bigfoot pictures in tabloids. He doesn't look like him, I don't look like me. But I don't really know why. I imagine we'll never be able to look at a pic or a letter w/o a twinge of something, y'know? How are you going through it again after a year and a half? is he back in the picture? im just waiting for her to come back. i knwo she will. i dont know why or how but im pretty certain shel be back. one of those gut feelings. although i dont think it will be for a while. she cant be stupid enough to contact me yet. Well, in my case, he seems a total emotional mess honestly. You can read through some of my recent threads to learn more. Doesn't help me at the times I long for the person I knew who isn't like the person I know now. I also have a gut feeling he'll be back, someday. Except it's hanging out with the gut feeling that tells me he'll never mature emotionally enough to have a healthy relationship with me, or anyone maybe. I live with the mixed emotions of longing for him to be back, and being utterly in fear of it. My point is that even if you feel like they'll be back, you have to try to turn that feeling into "they might be back, but it doesn't actually matter." Make it no different than the "maybe" chance that you'll meet and marry Angelina Jolie, get my point? im so hurt again. i just feel like saying to her "dont you knwo how much i loved you, and still love you?(actually at the moment im not feeling much love) do you know how much you burnt me!" i want to let it all out and then i want to find peace again. A HUGE thing i am aware of when people are coping is closing off their heart. i dont want that to happen. but at the same time i dont want to deny any anger i have. i dont want to stay bitter or resentful. its not healthy. i guess a day of it wont hurt, as long as i work it out and forgive her and myself AGAIN. Sometimes you have to close you heart enough to let it heal for a bit. Instead of trying to use it, just let it be there while it heals. Try not to put stress on it, just like if you were healing a broken bone. One of the hardest things about love is not feeling the pressure to always have it- I know this might hurt me more than anything.
Author Jmina Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 "Sometimes you have to close you heart enough to let it heal for a bit. Instead of trying to use it, just let it be there while it heals. Try not to put stress on it, just like if you were healing a broken bone. One of the hardest things about love is not feeling the pressure to always have it- I know this might hurt me more than anything. " ..i never thought of it like that. when you start to feel so much stronger and wiser about things you get knocked back and start to feel so naive!
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