tanbark813 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Sorry, the post came out the wrong way. I wasn't directing it at you. I was speaking in general terms. Your post said that its alright to not talk about feelings, so I assumed that it meant bottling up the emotions inside. Ahh, no, I meant more along the lines of what the article said about: "Women think that not talking about the relationship means there are problems, but it's the opposite for men. If we're not talking about it, it means we're happy,"
Pyro Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Ahh, no, I meant more along the lines of what the article said about: Well in that case, I concur.
oppath Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Guys aren't going to talk about issues they dont' feel are there. We talk about them when they become a problem. In this way, I think men can maybe meet their female companions halfway, but in general, not talking about your feelings isn't a problem unless something big needs to be discussed. As much as men may need to be willing to talk about things for the sake of their women, women need to understand men will be men sometimes.
Pyro Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Guys aren't going to talk about issues they dont' feel are there. We talk about them when they become a problem. In this way, I think men can maybe meet their female companions halfway, but in general, not talking about your feelings isn't a problem unless something big needs to be discussed. As much as men may need to be willing to talk about things for the sake of their women, women need to understand men will be men sometimes. Feelings should only be discussed when their is an issue, both men and women.
Hulme Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Well, I really like the article. Will definitely keep it in mind. Just hope folks remember it's about compromise. Part of the territory that comes with men and women in relationships is that if you care about the person, sometimes you gotta step out of your comfort zone and not expect the other person to totally accomodate your gender's communication style. No right, no wrong--we're just different. And thank God for that!
squeak Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 For me it's hard to answer this without you specifically giving an example of something you'd repeatedly bring up. If you don't mind, could you give such an example? So how can we get them to learn this? I think any attempts have failed so far Okay...one thing that comes up a lot is a hypothetical "if we we had met and I was just your friend for a year would you have stayed and pursued me if I didn't become your GF? Or would you have just moved on to the next girl if i rejected you?" I know that is annoying-it is hypothetical. But i always feel this insecurity wondering if he would have. Really-how will i ever know? I wish when we met I had stayed his friend for a few years and drove him crazy with wanting, guys love the unobtainable. They value only what they can't have. Instead i became the obtainable plain predictable Gf, and doesn't that just bring my relationship value down? I always feel this horrible thing in me that I'm not good enough, maybe he wouldn't have pined for me. and the only way to know would have been to have friendzomed him for awhile to see if he would still stick around. But I couldn't because i liked him too much. Background history: He used to like a friend of his for some years before me that he told me about, and I always wondered if he would have pined for me if we had not become BF/GF. It is a comparison thing. More background: When we first went out he said he was afraid of commitment just like any guy (??!!) and that he did not place relationships above friendships, even admitting he put me on the same plane as his long term friends. We were only dating for 2 months when he said all that, I was like "okaay" hopefully this will change.....I expect to be placed above and beyond all friendships in terms of depth of feelings. I took a chance, luckily it did change. Or I would have been dealing with the wrong guy for me. BUT i always bring it up to make sure he is not just saying what I want to hear. Again, and again, and again.
Kamille Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Okay...one thing that comes up a lot is a hypothetical "if we we had met and I was just your friend for a year would you have stayed and pursued me if I didn't become your GF? Or would you have just moved on to the next girl if i rejected you?" I know that is annoying-it is hypothetical. But i always feel this insecurity wondering if he would have. Really-how will i ever know? I wish when we met I had stayed his friend for a few years and drove him crazy with wanting, guys love the unobtainable. They value only what they can't have. Instead i became the obtainable plain predictable Gf, and doesn't that just bring my relationship value down? I always feel this horrible thing in me that I'm not good enough, maybe he wouldn't have pined for me. and the only way to know would have been to have friendzomed him for awhile to see if he would still stick around. But I couldn't because i liked him too much. Background history: He used to like a friend of his for some years before me that he told me about, and I always wondered if he would have pined for me if we had not become BF/GF. It is a comparison thing. More background: When we first went out he said he was afraid of commitment just like any guy (??!!) and that he did not place relationships above friendships, even admitting he put me on the same plane as his long term friends. We were only dating for 2 months when he said all that, I was like "okaay" hopefully this will change.....I expect to be placed above and beyond all friendships in terms of depth of feelings. I took a chance, luckily it did change. Or I would have been dealing with the wrong guy for me. BUT i always bring it up to make sure he is not just saying what I want to hear. Again, and again, and again. Squeak, I had to force myself to learn to let things go, and believe me, it was one of the best relationship lesson I learned. This isn't an issue he can solve at all. You are the only one who can change your train of thought about this. Of course he is crazy about you, he loves you! Of course your relationship has value, he's with you. I still get moments when I feel these nagging feeling which feels like the need to scratch an itch. I used to dive headfirst into those and ask for reassurance that whoever my partner was at the time could never provide. Now when I feel like that I tell myself that I will give it 24hours, and if I still feel in need of reassurance the day after, then I will bring it up. So far, I haven't had to bring up anything. Or when I have brought up issues, I was cool, calm and collected. La nuit porte conseil, we say in french - which means, night brings advice. Edit: oh, and another thing that helps is for you to assess what your ideal outcome of any such conversation would be, and tell him in advance. Sometimes it's as simple as what Lino said: if what you need is reassurance, tell him, listen, I just need reassurance right now. Another thing is you offering solutions when you are both in a good mood. Bring it up when you're both happy. Change the tone. Tell him flirtatiously you want to know he's crazy about you.
stillafool Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 That was a good article. However, you can't seem to please these guys. I remember dating a guy (before I married) that I was truly into. I never discussed my feelings or tried to find out his. I just enjoyed him and had fun. Well after about 9 months he started seeing someone else. I let it go and wished him good luck. Years later he told me he really cared so much about me but he never knew where he stood with me. He said at first I liked it that you didn't badger me about our relationship, but as time went on I said "wait a minute, something is wrong here". My question was why didn't he say something and he said he is used to the woman moving the relationship forward. WTF, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Men complain that women are confusing but I swear men are so hard to figure out. It's as if they want women to chase them down and marry them so they can say they got caught.
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