How do I get closure when your dead?

[MonroeVonOh]

I am posting this again in this section in hopes of getting a better response, thank you and sorry.

 

I would like some insight please.

 

 

I would like to know if anyone here has grown up without their father and how it has affected them .

 

I am 22 , my mother and father divorced when I was really young and I only saw my father twice after that , and talked to him a few times before he died in 2000 .

 

I am seeing now that my behavior toward people ( men in general) can be a little off. I abuse alcohol , I starting being sexually active at a young age, i have done every drug in the book more than once. I am always so angry , toward myself , and toward most men that i come in contact with. I became bulimic over a year or so ago and still find myself rushing to the bathroom when I am feeling stressed or guilty, had a falling out with my brother , fight with my mother , and can be really mean to the one man that I have actually fallen in love with. ( which i have posted about here many times) I have been sexually abused by one uncle and one cousin , and have been in many abusive relationships before meeting the man i am with now ( which we finally broke up , my fault)

 

All this , I now know , is due the fact that I cannot get closure from my father. I don't even have a grave to visit .

 

I am depressed and I am at my wits end , i just keep messing up everything I touch and I can't stop , and then i get so angry, so much so that I often think about ending it all , which I have already tried two times, once would have worked but the one person I was saying goodbye to called the cops.

 

inside I am such a sweet and vulnerable and sensitive woman . And I always cry where no one can see me.

 

I don't have many friends I can talk about anything real really , so I am coming here.

 

 

can anyone relate to any of this because a lack of a father figure ??

 

and if so , how are you coping ? what are you doing to get better?

 

because I really need to if I ever want another shot ..with .. anything.

 

or am i just crazy and a loss cause

[finallyhappyme]

I am posting this again in this section in hopes of getting a better response, thank you and sorry.

 

I would like some insight please.

 

 

I would like to know if anyone here has grown up without their father and how it has affected them .

 

I am 22 , my mother and father divorced when I was really young and I only saw my father twice after that , and talked to him a few times before he died in 2000 .

 

I am seeing now that my behavior toward people ( men in general) can be a little off. I abuse alcohol , I starting being sexually active at a young age, i have done every drug in the book more than once. I am always so angry , toward myself , and toward most men that i come in contact with. I became bulimic over a year or so ago and still find myself rushing to the bathroom when I am feeling stressed or guilty, had a falling out with my brother , fight with my mother , and can be really mean to the one man that I have actually fallen in love with. ( which i have posted about here many times) I have been sexually abused by one uncle and one cousin , and have been in many abusive relationships before meeting the man i am with now ( which we finally broke up , my fault)

 

All this , I now know , is due the fact that I cannot get closure from my father. I don't even have a grave to visit .

 

I am depressed and I am at my wits end , i just keep messing up everything I touch and I can't stop , and then i get so angry, so much so that I often think about ending it all , which I have already tried two times, once would have worked but the one person I was saying goodbye to called the cops.

 

inside I am such a sweet and vulnerable and sensitive woman . And I always cry where no one can see me.

 

I don't have many friends I can talk about anything real really , so I am coming here.

 

 

can anyone relate to any of this because a lack of a father figure ??

 

and if so , how are you coping ? what are you doing to get better?

 

because I really need to if I ever want another shot ..with .. anything.

 

or am i just crazy and a loss cause

 

 

My father is not dead but it's as if he is. he lives with another family, has kids, and has never once been there for me.

 

This may sound harsh at first, but it is what was told to me when I hit rock bottom and it changed my life. Not at first but eventually.

 

" When you stop blaming your father for everything that you are doing and using him as an excuse, because really thats what it is, then your life will change. Not one other person is responsible for making you happy, YOU make yourself happy. You have to stop and ask yourself what you don't like about yourself and your life and change it. You are the person in control of your life YOU and only YOU can change it! Make a commitment and change it. The more you blame your father, the more you will never look at yourself and ask yourself how you can fix it. Your father is not around, never has been, so if he was then what? If you had a grave to visit then what? Would that stop your behavior? Would that make your relationships better? Stop and think about the things your doing and ask yourself why YOU are doing them? Do they make your life better or do they cause you more misery?"

 

I know these words may bounce off right now and it's easier said than done. I have done every drug in the book, I have cheated, I have been that rebellious / unstable girl until I got sick of it. I grew tired of shifting the blame to my father and I took control of my life.

 

Its all in your hands. I know it's scary at first to accept that responsibility, but once you do its the best feeling in the world. It's freedom.

[heatherd1201]

I posted a reply to this too, but its in another thread!

[Art_Critic]

I lost my father at a young age.. 23.. I am 44 today

 

I didn't have a great relationship with him and had more of an employee employer thing happening.

He was never really there when I was growing up and wasn't much in my life until I became a young adult and could be put to work for his company... I have worked since being a teen

 

When he got cancer he died within 6 months and 2 months of that he was not really there..

I had to face the fact that he and I had a bad relationship that would never be fixed.

I had to let it all go... I also had to believe that my father loved me and he would never had changed if he had lived.

I also realized that I actually became a better person as a result of him passing.

I became my own person .. which wasn't in the cards when he was alive.

 

I wasn't on a good track at the time.. I was a drunk who was running from his problems..

I do miss him.. at times like I'm going thru today.. My wife and I are having our first child in February.. I wish he was alive to get to know his grandchild..

But he isn't..

 

I think you should work on your future.. not the past.. if you can learn to place the past.. realize that your Dad being in your life might not have been the most positive of things that could have happened to you..

[cj1988]

My H went through the same thing for years. He never met his father until I found him in 2002 and to be honest it did not change much. We see him on holidays and they never talk at all. He thought it was going to me more than it was and it really was not. I am glad I found him so he could see it was not him he was missing in his life all those years, it was himself. He abuses alcohol and drungs daily and still has issues, but they are of another nature now. Only you can straighten out the emptiness you feel. Hell, I knew and grew up with my abusive father and wished sometimes I never knew him, but now that I am grown I firgued out I do not need him to make me a person, I need me !

[finallyhappyme]

My H went through the same thing for years. He never met his father until I found him in 2002 and to be honest it did not change much. We see him on holidays and they never talk at all. He thought it was going to me more than it was and it really was not. I am glad I found him so he could see it was not him he was missing in his life all those years, it was himself. He abuses alcohol and drungs daily and still has issues, but they are of another nature now. Only you can straighten out the emptiness you feel. Hell, I knew and grew up with my abusive father and wished sometimes I never knew him, but now that I am grown I firgued out I do not need him to make me a person, I need me !

 

 

Exactly!!

[funkybassplayer]

i lost my dad at the age of 32, ten years ago now. Its something you never get oevr but learn to live with. I remember this valentines day (the day he died) my ex saying i should be over his death. My dad died suddenly from a massive heart attck, but a few month b4 he had a small one in the car with me. I asked him if he was ok, and he said yes, he was able to joke, and said its nothing, i joked maybe your having a heart attack (chest and arm pain) to this day i feel the guilt of never taking him, but i also know that he didnt want to go. we had an ok relationship, but we came toether more in the last 5 years. After he died and i saw him on a slab, i realised that life is about living and feeling everything, the good and the bad. But i guess what i did learn from him was respect, coswe would get hit pretty bad if we never showed it. Sadly 6 months after dad, mum got cancer, so i never really greived for dad properly, but the experiance has tought me to live as best as you can, not nessercerily the fullest, cos i cant afford to do that, but to be a decent person, and to help others and be there for people. I guess i felt abandond by his passing, but cos i know the feeling, its something that i feel i cant do to someone else. It is up to us as individuals to live and make our own direction in life. No one should be blamed for our own mistakes, as we will never grow, and we will always blame every1 but ourselves for things that go wrong. Be a responsible person, and take a good look at yourself before we point the fingre iof blame. At the end of the day, we all **** up, and that has to be accepted as well, but always try to fix what you can in yourself. Being happy is from within, and not from outside. The outside adds, but its not the be all. It would be very sad if we had to be with some1 just so they can make us feel happy.

[blind_otter]

Closure does not require the participation of anyone but the person who is seeking closure.

 

Find a qualified therapist and start working on yourself instead of blaming your problems on your absent father. I know that sounds harsh, but when you get right down to it the only person who matters is you.

[MonroeVonOh]

I just want to talk to him and ask him why he moved away, why he didn't try harder, why .. why ..what the ****

 

i feel usless and have felt that way for my entire life , I feel like a mistake , and unwanted.

 

i can already feel myself getting angry while write this ...

 

 

 

thanks for everyones help

 

be good .

[funkybassplayer]

I just want to talk to him and ask him why he moved away, why he didn't try harder, why .. why ..what the ****

 

i feel usless and have felt that way for my entire life , I feel like a mistake , and unwanted.

 

i can already feel myself getting angry while write this ...

 

 

 

thanks for everyones help

 

be good .

 

 

#You have to find out why you feel like that. Your dad never did anything for you to feel this way? you really need to look into yourself, and uncover the layers of life to find out why you feel this way. No one has o feel like this, you have to re discover the love that is in you,and you have to build on that. Feeling worthless is going to lead you to a deep dark place, but sometimes its our parth to hit that place on order to look at our self. You have come here b/c maybe you are ready to make that step towards healing your inner self. Your here looking for help, so maybe you are ready for it.

[blind_otter]

It's not healthy to live with that much anger. Try talking it out in therapy.

[CaliGuy]

I grew up not only never having a father but never knowing who he was. My mom died in 2005 and was my only parent.

 

I like to think that I am better off not knowing my father at all. I can not miss what I never had and I don't think I am worse off for not knowing him.

 

I definitely suggest seeing a Counselor. I'm not sure what sort of closure you're looking for but as with most relationships, you can make your own if you really want to.

[MonroeVonOh]

I'm really trying . I don't want to be and feel this way at all . It makes me feel worse when I am angry with the people in my life that love me and who I love .

 

It is just going to be very hard to undo many years of hating myself and him as well.

 

I am trying though

 

I know that I cannot blame myself or the people that I meet and know for what has happened. Its not their fault at all . I know what is right and what is wrong here .

 

Its just so hard and sometimes I feel like giving up again.

 

I seem to get better for awhile , and then something happens , in which i take really hard, and then I'm back where I started .

 

I have been reading books, coming here, talking to people , and trying to take down my emotional wall enough to deal with everything in the way it needs to be.

 

It is hard for me to seem vulnerable , even though I am , very much so at that.

 

 

maybe I will take some advice I read , and write a letter , and then burn it . or make my own place to visit him , and cry and talk and laugh there.

 

I very much want to change , for myself for one , and for someone who is very special to me whom I haven't treated very badly for the most part, and who I have fallen for.

 

I am trying , its just so hard .

 

thank you again everyone.

 

I guess I finally have to break down till I can build myself back up the in the proper way.

[heatherd1201]

Hi everyone, Monroe posted the same thing on a different thread and I replyed to that one. Just wanted to repost my reply here..

 

I am so sorry for the things that you have suffered. I read your story and am amazed at how similar our stories are. There are some slight differences though. In order to try to help you, I need to share some of my story with you, and I hope that you do not mind.

 

I am 23, I'll be 24 in December. My mother and father divorced when I was 2. When I was 7 I went to live with him. I was daddys little girl. The favorite (well at that point i was the only!) In my eyes my father was the greatest person in the world. Then one day he got really mad and he hit me. I was 7 and the man that I saw as the greatest in the world hit actually hit me. It continued for a while, became more often. He used to tell me that he hated me because I looked just like my mother. And he hated her. When I was 8 (almost 9) a natural distaster struck and I was forced to leave and move back in with my mother. Thank God really. I didnt speak with my father until I was 13. I was in therapy for the abuse and she thought that it would help give me closure. That didnt happen. He yelled and screamed and made me feel like the lost little girl I was back then. So I tried again when I was 17. Again, it went very badly. I was in a very abusive relationship from the time i was 15 to almost 18. I was also raped during this relationship. THe guy was just like my father. Which i suppose is normal. Girls tend to follow patterns like that. I became very premiscuous and like you, was doing drugs. Anything to numb the pain. Everything about my life was very casual and very fake until i was by myself. The lost little girl would always come out then. I was in many realtionships that i started and was having fun but the minute it turned serious, I pushed them away. I was very mean and angry towards my mother, and my best friend. They were the only people i could take the frustration out on.

Ive battled with the depression for years now. I have highs and lows, and sometimes VERY lows. My father developed a very bad heart condition 2 years ago. He suffered 3 heart attacks. The family knew he was dying. He called me and in a message told me that he needed to speak with me. He needed forgivness from me before he died. My response to those clse to me was "No, Im not forgiving him. He is only asking for forgiveness because he knows hes going to die. And Im not doing it. He's had almost 15 years." In January of this year I got a call from my sister telling me that he was going to die literally any minute. I rushed there. (4 hours away) I was there when he passes. I never gave him forgiveness. I dont have a grave to visit either because he was cremated.

So.....I wrote him a letter. Telling him exactly how I feel and all the harm he brought me. How it affected everything in my life. I am engaged now and a lot of times my anger gets taken out on him, and its wrong but thankfully he understands. So in my letter I also told him that I won in the end. I have the love of a great man who will treat his children like they are the most precious gift he could ever have.

After I wrote the letter, which ended up being about 4 pages long, I burned it. And I felt better. Everyone deals with things differently. Taking your anger and hurt out on the people that are closest to you is natural and totally normal, but that does not mean that its ok. I am guilty of doing it way more often than I should. But Im learning. I have to wake up every morning and tell myself..."This is going to be a good day. Being alive and having people who love me near me is a gift and I am glad that i can enjoy it one more day".

I know that this post was very long, but if I am going to offer you advice, you should know that I am coming from a VERY similar place you are..

Also know that I have never shared this story with anyone other than those close to me but i can feel your pain and I know what that hallowness feels like, so i shared it with you (and ALL the other people that will read it!). Just dont give up. Giving up makes the people that you leave behind suffer, and that isnt what you want to do. The first step to healing is WANTING to heal..

[heatherd1201]

I also wanted to mention that I have had a lot of closure from my family in the last few months. I have learned that although he was terrible to me and no child should ever have to suffer what i did at such a young age BUT.... i have 6 younger siblings from my fathers 2nd and 3rd marriages and from what i learned he was a great dad to them. I am very close to 2 of my half sisters, from his 2nd wife. I have learned that he set up a bank account for them with a very large amount of money in it because their mother is a terrible person and so far has been "stealing" the social security checks they get. He knew it would happen and so heset up a separate account for each of them that they are not to even be told about until after they leave their mothers house. I have earned some respect for him in this regards because although he was terrible to me, he was very good to them. At the funeral a person that he worked with stood up in the front and asked to the people (there were MANY people from his work, post office, there) "Raise your hand if you know that the only reason you STILL have your job is because Greg helped you and stood up for you" and so many people raised their hands.

At the same time it made me feel kinda crappy because he was so good to all these people.......I was the only one....

But like i said before, Im learning how to deal.

 

It is very important to know that you were put on this earth for a reason. Although you may not know your purpose yet, you have one. Continue to learn who you are, and heal, and cope and learn.

 

I have one memory of a good time with my father and it was from when i was about 5. He took me to the airport to go watch planes take off (this was obviously back before security was crazy!) we would stand right outide the fence, with earmuffs on and watch the planes take off. So now when I see planes take off, I think of him. So its not a "place" for me, just an object..