cj1988 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Ok, I know they say never read between the lines or assume, but sometimes that is hard to do. So, I have a question.....if your S was drunk and when asked what is wrong and they tell you " I am sorry it was never suppose to go this far, I am sorry" (telling his mother when she called after his son called and they had a bad fight and he was UGLY to me as well) what would you make of that? First off, he does not remember talking to her or all the things he said and did to me and his son. Second, from what we have been going through and my assumption he may still be in love with good ole sister (nasty, I know) does that sound like a confession in a way? Could it be that he finally in a drunken moment admitted what he really feels or am I reading to much into it all? They say you are honest when you are drunk and the truth comes out. If that is true, he hates me and wants a divorce (he does not remember that either) and he hates his kid too and wants him to move out (he is 15 and he told him to get the f--- out). Now, what he said could be US or our situation or is it her? I wish he would just tell me so we can move on. If he is still treating me like a stranger and unemotional for almost a year now ( he does not talk to her anymore, maybe a couple times a month) is he still in love with her or is he still just mad at the world and has major issues???? I need to know and he will not open up, who could in that situation (NASTY). I just wanted to see is that could be a clue??? His mom is coming by to talk to him about what he said and find out why he stays gone and drinks so badly ! He says he loves me and is is love with me, but his actions say something different. They say he loves me, but is afraid of me or he is somewhere else inside......sorry for the same ole but you all do help me believe it or not and I am about to make the hardest decision of my life.......I have 2 weeks before I move to lake with or without him.....what is wrong with this man?
Author cj1988 Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Sorry,left out one thing, his drinking has become worse and he does not think he has a problem. He is the type that holds it all in and never says a word about himself, but everyone one else has issues. If he were to come and tell he had an affair with her that in a strange way would make me feel much better. At least I would know......someone stating over and over again " I am sorry it was not suppose to get this far, I am sorry" is holding a deep secret inside no matter what it is ! That I know ! How do you get someone to confess?
Ladyjane14 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I wish he would just tell me so we can move on. You don't need his permission to "move on", CJ. You don't need his confession either. Regardless of whatever the truth was... he's NOT stepping up to the plate and doing what it takes to repair the marriage. Your choices at this point are to either accept him at his current word, or not. He hasn't backed down and I think it's unlikely, given the nature of the alleged transgression, that he will. So, if the story he's offering isn't good enough... it's just not good enough. OTOH, if you can live with his version of events and let it go, you're free to do so. There's no shame in forgiveness. Which leads you to your next choice, to stay or go. You're trying to make your decisions based on what he's going to do in the future, and unfortunately, he apparently has NO PLAN for addressing the situation. In order to repair the relationship, emotional intimacy must be restored. Instead, he's getting drunk and flying off the handle rather than working with you to address the distance between you. Standing around waiting to see what HE's gonna do achieves nothing. Why not decide your next actions given the data before you? This murky data which presupposes that another person will behave in X, Y, or Z manner, is nothing to plan YOUR life around. You're not in the driver's seat of YOUR life under those conditions. Now, you can certainly give it more time if you're not ready to make your choice. Nothing wrong with that. But if you do, make it a conscious decision to give yourself some breathing space and tranquility rather than limbo by default.
Author cj1988 Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Ladyjane, you hit the nail right on the head. My best friend tells me the same thing. She was around during all that went on and agrees something happened with the sis emotionally if not both. She is aware of how he is cold and hot and is not sure as why because he is so private. We all know he loves me, but not himself. How can someone be so lost? When we were apart one summer before we were married I slept with someone (we were apart and he was a butt) and I told everything. He has not moved on and married me anyway. I know that a lot of people that have been cheated on although against it, do it as a tit for tat or just because they cannot move on from what happened. He is not budging and when I try to get him to talk he tellsm e nothing happened and you wnat so badly for it to have happened you are killing yourself and refused to talk about it anymore. He just says it is my SISTER and you have issues, although so many clues say something happened. Funny they do not talk as much (was 12 times a day 2 or more hours a day) he says they have a bond. A bond he cannot explain, but where is that bond now. Ever since D-day (the tape) Decemeber 1st he has never been loving again like he was....he was acting weird for months before that because she was getting it all, calls, him telling her how much he loves her.....I am so confused that I am about to bust and after his mom told me what he said to her drunk, I am lost again. I just do not understand how anyone would stay in a marriage if they are no longer in love for whatever reason. He waited 11 years for me and then poof she shows up, we get married in July 06 (she was in the wedding) and by Septemeber 06 they are talking like idiots ! WHat did I do wrong, this is what he wanted, or did he? In his defense he waited faithfully for me for years and wanted just me, good man, then after her....something changed in him whether it was my accusation or his feelings for her something cahnged. That is all I want to address with him is why he is like this now. He said nothing is wrong, but he is wrong, he is NOT the same man. I love on him, make love to him the way he has longed for and he is the same un loving unless drunk man. The few times we made love in the bad months December through May, he cried like a baby after, curled up like a baby and balled. Would not tell me why ( I think guilt because it is not his nature to cheat) all he said is that I am the only human that took his faith and beliefs in love away due to the accusations. During the months he would not talk to me, told me he was moving wanted a divorce, but continued to call her everyday without fail.....he would not come home until he was drunk enough to pass out, did not care I lost 25 pounds (did not need to) was unhealthy and begging him to talk. He was night and day. Now that we have tried to go the right way, he is still not much better.....what could be eating him up that bad? Should I leave him to his pity and sorrow or try to help? I am worn out and losing me.....I love him and want my sweet man back, where did he go?
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