rangie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I am a MM whos been involved with an OW im now on the point of leaving my W but my OW expects me to move in with her and just start off a new life.I would like to have my own place for a time just until the divorce is sorted out as well as having somewere to get some space to get my feelings together I have no intention of leaving my OW as it is my intention to be with her what do anyone think is the best course of action for me at this time do i go ahead with what i want or do i give in to my current OW and move in with her
Lyssa Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 In my opinion, it would be a good idea to sort out your feelings first before you move in with your OW. Tell her that you need some space for yourself until the divorced is sorted out. If you don't mind my asking you, how long have you been with your OW? I asked because if you have been together for a long time then she would understand why you need the space till the divorce is sorted out.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 You will definitely want to get your own place, and give yourself time to sort out your head and heart. Divorce is hard, even without an OW in the picture. Understand that your OW is seeing this as something that you can just transfer seamlessly, and that love will overcome the difficulties. You'll just have to be straight with her about why you need your space, and also understand that she will be highly paranoid about your reasons for needing it. A lot of OW I have seen posting on other boards about this are worried that it will mean that there will be a greater chance that MM will go back to his wife, or that MM want to date other women since he is now technically free to do so, the usual. Others wonder that if the need for the wife is gone, does that mean that the need for OW is too? Plenty of people out there have exit affairs and break OW/OM heart by dumping them when the divorce comes through. I would say that may also be one of her concerns. She waited patiently for you to leave your wife and be with her. Not leave your wife and move into your own place. I'm sure she didn't quite have that in mind. She'll just have to be patient, and you'll have to be reassuring about it, and prove to her ever day that your intentions are to build a stronger foundation for the two of you before you get yourself back into a living situation like that.
OWoman Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I am a MM whos been involved with an OW im now on the point of leaving my W but my OW expects me to move in with her and just start off a new life.I would like to have my own place for a time just until the divorce is sorted out as well as having somewere to get some space to get my feelings together I have no intention of leaving my OW as it is my intention to be with her what do anyone think is the best course of action for me at this time do i go ahead with what i want or do i give in to my current OW and move in with her Hi Rangie, I'm OW whose MM is about to leave his W so that we can be together. This is something I've given a lot of thought to, since my original post (since deleted ). On the one hand, we both want to be together as soon as possible, and have wanted that for some time. But on the other I'm also a little hesitant about that - it's a huge step for him, with kids involved (teens) on both sides, and part of me thinks that perhaps it's better for a cool-off period where he moves into a twilight zone first with his kids (they want to be with him, not his W) to be sure everyone's OK with things, before he / they move in with me. Not sure how similar your situation is, whether there are kids, etc to factor in but either way I don't think there's anything to be gained from rushing things. You have the rest of your lives together, after all - if that's what you really want. But you need to make sure things are sustainable, and also that issues that belong in your M are signed off as part of your M, not dragged into your R with OW because they're still ongoing as you leave. I think your OW is probably just wanting the reassurance that you are serious about a future with her, that this isn't just a staging post that will see you running back to your W, but on the other hand you need to have the space and time to be absolutely clear in your own mind that that is the case. Otherwise anything you have with your OW could collapse too. Just one concern - you refer to her as your "current OW" - does this mean there were others? Or that you're planning on more in the future?
KATANYA Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Take your time and create your own space. Use the time to sort through all the emotions of ending a M because there are LOTS of emotions you will go through, including doubting if you did the right thing, missing your W etc. That does not mean you are not making the right decisions or that you don't love your OW....divorce is a loss, regardless of how bad the M was. It takes time to heal from any loss and you need to do this for yourself before you jump head long into another long term relationship. Your OW loves you and wants to spend her life with you. She needs to understand that you love her, that you need to do this the right way for yourself. If you can't communicate with each other now, at the very beginning of your lives together, than you are setting your R up for more problems down the road. OW has waited this long. These steps you are taking should re-assure her of your intention but talk to her........make this transition together.
nadiaj2727 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I agree with everyone else, I think it is SMART for you to be taking some time to transition. Just exlpain to OW that you want to make sure you finish one relationship the right way before you rush into another one. That's kind of ironic since you've been in two relationships for at least awhile, lol, but it really is the right and smart thing to do. I think communication is key. I'm sure she'll be happy to be able to be a "real" couple and go on dates in public, etc., or have whatever other benefits of a relationship she was missing out on when she was OW, so perhaps she won't mind as much once you actually move out and into your own place. Good luck! Congrats on deciding to make sure a big change in your life. ~Nadia
Unforgetable77 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Maybe you are reading your OW all wrong....I agree with nadia, I also think she'll be happy just to be a 'real' couple I have no further comment to make lol U77 x
Author rangie Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 no its only ever been this one woman and my w
Author rangie Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 ive been with my OW for just over two years and never had feelings like i have for her even when i got married but i think i need a little space before i jump into living with her and her children i dont think my feelings for her will change at all but im concerned she will see it as a way of us not being together straight away
CallMeCrazy Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 You most definitely need space... I'm an OW with a MM who is also on the verge of leaving his W. He isn't leaving for me, he's leaving because their relationship is over. But, I want us to work out, and am willing to give him all the space he needs. Going through a divorce is hard, stressful, emotional and there are lots of things to consider. Children, finalizing the divorce, etc. It's not an overnight process that is for sure! Re-assure her that you two are in a committed relationship, and you only want to be with her... coming from the OW standpoint, deep down we're all afraid that once you're "free" you'll want to see what's out there.
Gwyneth Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I too agree it would be in your best interest--and the OW's--for you to live on yoru own first. YOu need to figure out who You are and be on your own for a while. I'm sure the OW won't be totally understanding, but she will eventually see it's for the best. Patience and Good Luck!
Lizzie60 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I am a MM whos been involved with an OW im now on the point of leaving my W but my OW expects me to move in with her and just start off a new life.I would like to have my own place for a time just until the divorce is sorted out as well as having somewere to get some space to get my feelings together I have no intention of leaving my OW as it is my intention to be with her what do anyone think is the best course of action for me at this time do i go ahead with what i want or do i give in to my current OW and move in with her I agree that it would be the best thing to do... BUT I can see that your OW would feel threaten by that move... It's one thing when the MM is with his W... but it's another thing when the MM becomes 'single' and on his own again... hummmm She (OW) needs a lot of reassurance... my first 'ex' moved with me right away... the next day... and we were together 18 years.. so I say... do what's best for you... but good luck with your OW...with this arrangement.
Unforgetable77 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Ello rangie I wasn't going to comment further but I will....lol, there has been alot of good advice here for you to follow and I totally agree that space is needed, take the time to get to know yourself and enjoy your freedom for a while, this is a huge step for you to take...I'm sure after waiting for a considerable length of time your OW would understand this, I'm going with everyone else on this when i say communication and reassurance is the key to your happiness.... from the OW's point of view....Seeing is believeing its ok to talk about doing these things but doing is completely different, the OW is constantly being led up the garden path with promises which are rarely kept, I don't think getting out of your M and getting a place of your own would be much of a problem to your OW, at least she would see that steps were being taken towards your future together You do whats best for you... everything else will fall into place when the time is right U77x
dymo Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 hi rangie im getting to a close situation like yourself some of the advise on here is good take it but always be aware from reading some of the advise that you have been given its plain to see on some of them they have hidden adjenders themselfs and might be thinking of sending messages to others throu this forum
dymo Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Maybe you are reading your OW all wrong....I agree with nadia, I also think she'll be happy just to be a 'real' couple I have no further comment to make lol U77 x well what you should do is take a look at the little things that causes you some problems before you take on your mm things he dosent like for instance
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