transbluency Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I also posted this in the Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy forum, but just realized that it's under the Dating section. Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and I need help with my situation, whether it be in the form of reassuring words, empathy, constructive criticism or tough love. My wife and I are in our mid-20s and have been happily married for a year after having dated, lived with each other and engaged for a total of 2 years. Unfortunately, we've recently had to start a long distance relationship because she works in another state and I just began graduate school in another (we're 6 hours away from each other). The issue is that I met a girl in one of my classes, and I've developed an intense crush on her. I can't stop thinking about her and lately, it's getting to the point where it's beginning to affect my life negatively (losing concentration in my studies, not communicating with my wife as frequently or in an involved fashion). I think about what it would be like to be emotionally, romantically and sexually intimate with her; I daydream and dream at night of comprehensive and detailed situations of how we would interact in those ways. She's what I would consider the ideal person in terms of everything I would crave in a significant other: beautiful with gorgeous brown eyes, upbeat and witty personality, geeky and passionate in our field of study, and having very specific interests in common with me. She's literally taken my breath away and I never expected to meet anyone like her; I just kind of assumed someone like her never existed. Now, I still love my wife. When I visit her, the feelings I have for my crush linger, but slowly fade. However, just when I get used to our old life together, I travel back home and have to see my crush at school again. My crush knows I'm married and I have spoken with her about my wife. She is definitely not the type of person that would ever consider being the other woman. Even though we have this friendly chemistry together, we're both aware of the boundaries and do not cross them. She's a good girl and she considers me a friend in these circumstances, so in this sense, she is no threat to initiate anything romantically, in my opinion. My questions to you is: Is having intense crushes like this normal? It's just so emotionally strong, and I worry I might do something incredibly stupid like tell my crush how I feel just to resolve my feelings and not accomplish anything. I'm also worried about how I view my wife now. I've always believed her to be the perfect fit for me. We have similar personalities, senses of humor, and life values. We get along great and we take very good care of each other. She's a beautiful person inside and out, and I'm a very lucky person to have married her. The only nitpick I have is that I didn't have the instant, full-blown, butterflies-in-the stomach, heart-pittering-and-pattering feeling when I was with her. It's something I've always had in my other relationships, and it's something that I have now with my crush. Logically, what I should do is not reveal my feelings to anyone, let her go after the term ends, and focus on connecting on my wife. It's not worth risking my marriage over. But damn, right now, my emotions are a complete and utter whirlwind. When I'm with my crush, I'm on cloud nine and when I'm not with her, I'm a complete wreck.
4whatItsWorth Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 The only nitpick I have is that I didn't have the instant, full-blown, butterflies-in-the stomach, heart-pittering-and-pattering feeling when I was with her. It's something I've always had in my other relationships, and it's something that I have now with my crush. So you base how good "chemistry" is on the butterflies?? You DO know that those are what fades, called "infautation" (or whatever) and TRUE love is what is BEYOND those "buttery" feelings? I think you need to stop hanging out with this girl, move school. You will destroy your marriage, CRUSH your wife...and if you do, well you never deserved her in the first place. If your friend has any sympathy for her sisters (other women), she'd stop seeing you the second you confessed you had feelings for her. Guys like you never understand what true love is.
rangie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 well as i come from a failed relationship of many years because it was only a marriage for so long i belive i was at fault but if you want yours to survive it takes time and work crushes are fine until they become all consuming then start to take over your life.You say these feeling diminish when your with your wife would it be possible for you to find work near your wife or for your wife to get near you .in the end it is what you make of all this will let you and your wife have a chance of any long term relationship and the best thing would be to avoid this young lady as often as possible
Ladyjane14 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Is having intense crushes like this normal? It's just so emotionally strong, and I worry I might do something incredibly stupid like tell my crush how I feel just to resolve my feelings and not accomplish anything. I think the "normality" of your feelings would be defined by your circumstances. No... it's not normal to become obsessive, but married folks do notice attractive others and occasionally crush on them. That said, in the presence of underlying anxiety or emotionally stress, then yes... a more fixated type crush is fairly common. Fixation is an avoidance mechanism. It distracts a person from problems that might feel vague or under-identified, where maybe a guy/gal feels kind of generally dissatisfied with their life but doesn't know exactly why. Logically, you must know, as 4whatItsWorth has said, feelings of Infatuation always fade. Infatuation is like a seed. True love might either grow or wither from it, but still.... the shelf-life on it is only about 2-4 years. (That is, in the absence of an illicit affair, which might cause infatuation to last longer due to the excitement of secrecy). But... knowing that Infatuation doesn't last, you also must know that even if you involved yourself romantically with this other girl, the intensity of your current "crush" wouldn't last either. Every person comes with their own set of positives and negatives, so in the absence of fatal flaws.. when you trade one in, you end up with another set of problems being different and yet somehow the same. So if you love your wife, you need to avoid this classmate. The feelings you're experiencing are probably not stemming from her anyway. More likely, they're emanating from within you in response to whatever worries or stresses you're experiencing. If you expend this surplus energy finding out what's really bugging you subconsciously, this "fixation" will probably fade of its own accord.
fxj05 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 For what its worth, I feel that I have been going through something similar on the opposite side of things, See my thread on 'Wifes Crush on Colleague' My W started a new job and within weeks I noticed a change in her behaviour. She has never admitted the crush and although people told me that she was having an affair from what I was telling them, I'm fairly certain she is not, but it has affected our relationship big time and we are in MC trying to deal with it. My W started making a greater effort going to work and baceame pre-occupied, thats when the lies start. To defend her actions she started telling me lies about the reasons things were happening, make up, lunch breaks etc. If you find yourself making an effort to be with this girl and you're consumed by it your W will eventually notice. Then you will be forced either to lie or come clean. If you choose to lie then you will be going down a potentially dangerous path of secrecy and possibly making the attraction even greater. If you choose to tell the truth then you may hurt your W's feelings, either way you could lose her trust, which is vital in any M but especially so in a long distance one. Better to distance yourself from this girl and not fool yourself that you can control it.
Woggle Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 So you base how good "chemistry" is on the butterflies?? You DO know that those are what fades, called "infautation" (or whatever) and TRUE love is what is BEYOND those "buttery" feelings? I think you need to stop hanging out with this girl, move school. You will destroy your marriage, CRUSH your wife...and if you do, well you never deserved her in the first place. If your friend has any sympathy for her sisters (other women), she'd stop seeing you the second you confessed you had feelings for her. Guys like you never understand what true love is. Correct me if I am wrong but aren't you doing the exact same thing to your husband? I agree with you that this guy needs to appreciate what he has but before I clicked on this thread I assumed it was going to be a woman and there is a reason for that.
4whatItsWorth Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Correct me if I am wrong but aren't you doing the exact same thing to your husband? What husband? Um...have you confused me with someone else? I'm in a LDR and I have no husband have a fiancé...I think you're referring to my threads to GC about my ex...and I don't even have any contact with him...also, he is an *******. Also, Woggle, I only kissed another guy while with my E-X...I would never and have never cheated on my fiancé. He is my one and only.
Woggle Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 What husband? Um...have you confused me with someone else? I'm in a LDR and I have no husband have a fiancé...I think you're referring to my threads to GC about my ex...and I don't even have any contact with him...also, he is an *******. Also, Woggle, I only kissed another guy while with my E-X...I would never and have never cheated on my fiancé. He is my one and only. I apologize but somebody with a very similiar avatar was making posts about how she saw nothing wrong with cheating on her husband. I agree with your point but there are also plenty of women who don't know what true love is.
4whatItsWorth Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I apologize but somebody with a very similiar avatar was making posts about how she saw nothing wrong with cheating on her husband. I agree with your point but there are also plenty of women who don't know what true love is. Apology accepted. If you haven't noticed I am against cheating as much as you are. And I certainly would see a lot of things that were wrong with me if I was married and cheated on my husband...
cranium Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 My crush knows I'm married and I have spoken with her about my wife. She is definitely not the type of person that would ever consider being the other woman. Even though we have this friendly chemistry together, we're both aware of the boundaries and do not cross them. She's a good girl and she considers me a friend in these circumstances, so in this sense, she is no threat to initiate anything romantically, in my opinion. My questions to you is: Is having intense crushes like this normal? It's just so emotionally strong, and I worry I might do something incredibly stupid like tell my crush how I feel just to resolve my feelings and not accomplish anything. I'm also worried about how I view my wife now. I've always believed her to be the perfect fit for me. We have similar personalities, senses of humor, and life values. We get along great and we take very good care of each other. She's a beautiful person inside and out, and I'm a very lucky person to have married her. The only nitpick I have is that I didn't have the instant, full-blown, butterflies-in-the stomach, heart-pittering-and-pattering feeling when I was with her. It's something I've always had in my other relationships, and it's something that I have now with my crush. Logically, what I should do is not reveal my feelings to anyone, let her go after the term ends, and focus on connecting on my wife. It's not worth risking my marriage over. But damn, right now, my emotions are a complete and utter whirlwind. When I'm with my crush, I'm on cloud nine and when I'm not with her, I'm a complete wreck. It's perfectly normal to develop crushes; you're married, not dead. You said you worry about revealing your feelings to your crush and you're both aware of boundaries not to cross?? I bet she's aware of your feelings. My wife's emotional affair with her OM went on for months before it became physical. Tongue or no tongue, they were crossing boundaries the whole time. Your crush knows you're married and you have spoken to her about your wife. Not okay. Have you spoken to your wife about your crush? "Hey honey, this girl in one of my classes is freaking me out." Why not discuss your feelings with your wife as part of that focusing on connecting? This isn't the only time an attraction to another is going to happen during your marriage (to you or your wife); communicate with your partner on how to handle these situations.
BlindleadingtheBlind Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Hi Transbluency, I've definitely had similar situations arise. I was a grad student in a different city from my husband, and for three or four years, we would have to spend 6 - 9 months apart. I noticed that during those times of separation, I often quickly found a crush that would take up my intense focus for the period I was living apart from my husband. I think it IS normal in many ways, or at least I considered it normal at the time. You miss your wife and the life you have together, and so without her there, it's possible you are subconsciously looking for a substitute to keep you from feeling so lonely. I also found that I tended to have crushes on people who were completely unavailable for one reason or another. I think again, that this was my subconscious way of realizing that while I didn't want a relationship with someone else, per se, that enjoying their company and fretting about them and looking forward to seeing them in class, etc., was a way to fill that empty space created by the long-distance relationship. That being said, while your crush may seem somewhat innocent right now, I echo the advice of LadyJane and suggest you try your best to just not be in contact with the object of your crush for awhile. I think crushes have a way of spiraling out of control faster than you would imagine. I definitely had a habit of "feeding" my crushes, and this summer while my husband and I lived apart for three months, the whole crush situation took on a life of its own, the repercussions from which I'm still facing. In the deepest throes of my crush, a friend suggested a method I wish I had tried. She told me to delete all of my crush emails and simply promise myself I wouldn't initiate contact with my crush for three weeks. After those three weeks, I would be free to re-initiate. I think if I had just taken that advice, and sat back to let the crush fires die down a little bit, I wouldn't be in the emotional whirlagig I'm in now after letting the crush go too far. But hindsight is 20/20. Good luck -- I've definitely been there and know it's certainly not easy.
Recommended Posts