Sanslatete Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Just hoping for some advice really. I'm in my 4th month of this purgatory and it's still getting me down big time. I've followed all the usual suggestions, I've read books, surfed the internet, having counselling (still am) exercised, done volunteer work (still am), kept my healthy diet up (regaining weight after losing 3 stone over the summer) been to foreign countries for a change of scenery, socialised with friends and most other things I've either read or been told. But I still ache inside and am dead emotionally. I miss her and hate/love her all the time and there isn't a day goes by that 60-70% of it is spent thinking about her. She was very special to me and I 'thought' she was 'the one'. I'm still in shock from some of the events that ran up to the break-up and the break-up itself....I didn't see it coming, there weren't the usual 'signs'. Everything was as it had been for years and then...bang....it all turned to crap. I'm by no means a nieve or gullable person, so it isn't as if I was in some sort of denial, it just turned sour very quickly. I guess she must've had thoughts that she didn't let me in on, but if she did (which is very likely) she kept them well hidden until the end. I just want to get over this, I want my life and mind back. She isn't dying like me so why should I? Any suggestions?
Lee725 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Sanslatete, you spent 6 1/2 years with this girl. That is a huge chunk of your life. You are on the right path. You are doing the right things to heal yourself. You can not walk away after all that time and be healed quickly. You feel like you are dying because you care. Your life and mind will come back to you. I can not say that i have had a relationship of 6 yrs, i go thru the 3 to 3.5 yr thing. I have had 3 seperate relationships of that duration quite quickly after each other (longest break alone 6 months). I have had a few short term ones as well (giving my age away here). Ironically for me one of my shortest ones, (3 months) is having the biggest impact on me now. The best suggestion that i can give you to heal is to turn your thoughts around. I have read your previous threads and i know that you felt extremely strongly for this girl, and you think a lot about the good things that you felt for her, but try to think of the not so positive things about her. I know this sounds cruel and cold, but thinking about how much you loved her is only going to make you worse. Think of the things about her that did not make you happy. This will help fill your mind with reasons why it is better that you are not together and it can help to fill that part of your mind that misses her. I use the same method to heal from the people who have hurt me. I think about the silly stuff they use to say or do that would upset me and for some reason it helps me.
funkybassplayer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 i really dont agree with the above post. While you kept busy, you have not delt with your deep emotions, but rather you have been putting a lid on it. It good to do stuff, and sounds like it was fun. The way forward would be to feel the pain as long as it takes, thats the only way that you will move forward, and you are a caring chap like me, its impossible to think of some1 you love ina bad light. that will make you bitter, and you make keep that bitterness with you. Instead try to feel the love for her, and even send it through the airways, thats the way to relaease guilt, pain and anger. Keep the loving for her in your heart, cos thats the gift she gave to you, remember her with love, not hate. Hate will keep you in this bitter place longer, and above all, know that what your feeling is and emotion like joy, and it can be understood, not just felt. If you understand your emotions, you can control them and be at peace with whatever is going on in your body. I hope this helps.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Thanks for the replies guys. I can see what you both mean, as you have quite different views on my problem. I have happy memories of her, but they've all been tainted by what happened in the last while before the break up. I thought she was a cetain type of person, believed in her completely, but the things she did to me in the last few weeks totally contradicted everything I believed. My heart was hers and hers only, she was very special to me, unlike anyone I've ever known. But it's how it all ended, the lies and deception that she undertook that killed all my belief in her and poisoned the happy memories. How can I uphold the good times when everything I thought she was was a lie? They say there's a fine line between love and hate and it's never been more evident to me than now. It's not that I completely detest her, my heart still adores her after all, but my mind can't get over this and how she's been since. It's like a totally different person, one that I'm a stranger to. The woman I would have walked over hot coals for is no more, she may as well be dead because somebody else lives in the space that was her (if that makes any sense?). I'd like to cherish what we had and look back fondly, but I was well and truly crapped on from a great height, something I never thought she'd do to me, and it hurts so much....even now. I could go on and on about this, but I can't really get across how close we were. It's because of that that the betrayal damaged me so much. I wouldn't have done this to my worst enemy, but she did it to me, knowing full well how much it would kill me. That's the mind-fuq for me. I do care about her, but I get the impression that I'm well and truly done and dusted for her, and after all we shared, that's hard to deal with...for me at least.
funkybassplayer Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 she did not do anything to hurt you on pupous, and she was pulling away from you, and you sensed this, and may have led to powerstruggles and stuff. It takes time to forgive the bad stuff, im sure you did some as well, but when you do let go of the anger, thats when you will stop feeling the pain and hurt. We all just want to be happy, you me your ex my ex, but i guess we all **** up along the way. If you can be the bigger person, she may have alot of deep issues that caused her to act this way. Its ok and normal to feel angry, but eventually, you have to let go of the anger, and just feel what was there. She still loves you, but its lost in the mess of her life, and may never be found again, but for now, keep feeling anything you have to, and hopefully youll find a better place. If you keep feeling anger, you will stay angry, if you can let go of that and feel the love that you have for her, then your mind will clear.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Continue doing what you are doing. My ex took a little over 5 months to move on. He was a totally broken man...but somehow, he found the strength to say "the hell with her" and move on. While you may feel like you are looking into the abyss at the moment, it does get better.
marty Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 "She isnt dying like me so why should I?" Try and remember that. She's clearly hurt you big time, so why continue to let her??? Easier said than done i know,,, but the bottom line is,why continue wasting your precious time on someone who has caused you this much pain. All the continuing torment your feeling is coming from you now ,, not her. Dont give her that kind of power. You clearly have a big heart, like most here on LS, draw strength from the fact that you have a lot to offer, and that some lucky girl WILL come along and see that.
funkybassplayer Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 "She isnt dying like me so why should I?" Try and remember that. She's clearly hurt you big time, so why continue to let her??? Easier said than done i know,,, but the bottom line is,why continue wasting your precious time on someone who has caused you this much pain. All the continuing torment your feeling is coming from you now ,, not her. Dont give her that kind of power. You clearly have a big heart, like most here on LS, draw strength from the fact that you have a lot to offer, and that some lucky girl WILL come along and see that. Hey how you doing?? things are moving well for the momnet with funky!
marty Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Hey how you doing?? things are moving well for the momnet with funky! hi! things are brightening up for me slowly. thanks for asking:) glad to hear you're in a good place !!
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