freakygal78 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Long story short - I am living with my ex-bf of 5 months. We have been friends for as long now. I am living with him because I moved into his share-house and we broke up a month later. He was happy for me to stay on as long as I want and he is still affectionate towards me although there is nothing romantic happening anymore. I have recently changed careers from the corporate world to community services which has been difficult but I am enjoying immensely and finally I get to use my degree etc. I have also during this time put on approximately 5 kilos but this was mainly because of the emotional stress as a result of the r'ship breakup. So since I have dated a few guys - my ex knew this and was fine by it. As soon as a guy started to get serious with me recently however, I freaked out and pushed the panic button and stopped seeing him. I realised then that I still love my ex - I always did in a platonic way but I still feel strong feelings for him and this is stopping me from meeting someone and moving on. I told him the other night and we have had discussions since and he tells me that he loves me too (although in a platonic way). I tried to extricate the reasons for him breaking up with me / not being physically attracted to me any more and it does come down to the whole weight gain / change in appearance thing. I said to him if i lost 10kgs and dyed my hair blonde and dressed in a tarty fashion, I daresay he would be interested in me again - although I said (for many reasons) I would just not do this! He got really uncomfortable and said he didn't want to talk about it. Even if he did want me back after such a drastic change I would only be able to see him as shallow now - if he did not want me as the person I am now. I know the smart thing would be to move out (i have attempted this for 2 weeks and the living arrangements did not work out) so I have moved back into the house with him and our other housemate till I am able to move out on my own again. It's clear as day to me that living here is not helping me get over him however when I did move out for the short period, I found he visited me quite often - is this a serious case of being taken for granted / co-dependence? He does mess with my head quite a bit for instance when I go on dates with others etc. he seems withdrawn or slightly jealous. To date he has not gone out with a girl and doesn't seem too interested in dating. I feel I am being emotionally manipulated here and whenever I get this resurgence of residual feelings for him and think he might feel the same, I hit a brick wall with him. Why is love so hard? Why are men so shallow? Not all obviously - there are plenty of others interested in me although it is not them I find special and love so deeply. I know he isn't good for me although I can't help feeling how I feel.
shadowplay Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 The cat in your icon looks EXACTLY like my cat.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 He loves you but he is not "in" love with you. A clean break will make it easier for you to deal with the loss, heal and research a new opportunity. Sorry about the whole thing.
Author freakygal78 Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 In response to the first comment: Well I'm glad my old neighbour's cat looks like someone's - she was a sweety! As for making a clean break - yeah i know what has to be done but just can't do it yet. Need to get established in my new job and save some money first. I was getting to thinking what a shallow git my ex was the whole time - GOD! I remembered him asking me if i think of other people when we have sex - I said no, I don't make it a habit and he told me everyone does - I did not know how to respond to this - anyways I have had more sex in the past week with the last guy i was seeing than I did in the almost 5 months we were dating so quite frankly he can stay celibate in fantasy land - I'm outta here!
jcster Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I know this is not what you want to hear....but..... You have broken up with him, you are having sex with other men...and you are living in his house. You've changed jobs from a (I'm assuming) well paying corporate gig, to a much more fulfilling, but less lucrative non-profit job -which, while rewarding, is keeping you from moving out. I have to admit, I'm speechless. He's shallow? This guy is floating your boat, you're seeing other men, and he's shallow? He ain't shallow, hun, he's a sucker.
Author freakygal78 Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Oh always with the hard-done-by males - no you're wrong - I am earning more than I did in the corporate world because now I am utilising my degree and therefore earning MORE but more importantly doing what I love. That was the point of my career change. And also he never supported me whatsoever he's too tight to even CONSIDER that not that I'd allow it - I've been independent since I was 17. In fact, I am helping my ex and my housemate out by paying a third of their rent and so no-one is floating my boat whatsoever. It's not his house but a rental - he was also living with me rent-free in my own rented pad for four months beforehand. He broke up with me so I guess he has no say in whomseover I choose to see thereafter. I love it how men just make the assumption that men always prop up the poor defenseless female - I am assisting him in accruing his 'hard-earnt' savings - that is probably why he wants me around. So please unless you want to make some helpful comments, abstain from taking your misogynistic history out on me.
birdie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 he doesn't sound shallow, it's just that he never loved you that much. sometimes living together puts people off if there is not solid foundation/strong attraction in the first place. I don't know why you put up with the situation, you are saying you are earning enough and you are in control of your life. move out then. he is not interested
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I just have to say that even though this doesn't relate to your topic at all, I also love the cat in your avatar. My cat is just the best and listens to all my men problems and actually gets more affectionate the more time I spend with her, unlike men
jcster Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I love it how men just make the assumption that men always prop up the poor defenseless female I'm a woman. And I still don't think he's shallow.
Author freakygal78 Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 I don't know why you put up with the situation, you are saying you are earning enough and you are in control of your life. move out then. he is not interested Because I have to save up for things like bond we aren't all made of money and like I said I've just started a new job after finishing a contract, I've been living on my savings. I'd have to do this regardless - and yes, this is the plan! I'm not hanging around indefinitely to see how much torture I can put myself through. If he is not interested I can deal with that - but he manipulates me daily with cuddles, stroking me on the head, cutesie names and that puppy dog face when I do have a date - and no I am not bringing any other people to the place we share in - that would be just plain inconsiderate. Although he did go to speed dating with friends on the 'off-chance' he might meet someone. He is happy for me to be here out of guilt although doesn't want to see me happy with someone else. Or at least says he does and then does his darndest to sabotage it. He also has serious issues with healthy boundaries given our current status and doesn't realise the affect it's having on me. Out of all the comments people have given me here - some hurtful - some about the cat in my icon lol, one thing is obvious - I need to get out asap - it's just messing with my head too much and regardless of my living situation - no-one likes to be dumped because they're deemed 'too fat'. Maybe people should read between the lines and realise 'gee, someone is hurting' before you offer your pearls of wisdom in future.
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