bloodaye Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Is NC really a good thing?I mean whether u r the dumper or the dumpee,you both will still deep down think there is a chance,so when you do this NC thing,doesnt that give the other person the impression that u simply dont care? I mean if u truly care about someone and miss them,wouldnt you want them to know it? Whats so bad about that? Esp. if you have unsaid things that you want to get off your chest that were never mentioned before,or if you want them to understand certain things about why certain things were said or done,cause sometimes people say stupid unjustified things in the heat of the moment. Then guilt sets in and you just want to make the other person understand,and if you truly love them,you want them to feel better,and not think that you didnt appreciate them,sometimes i dont think NC is the best way to go.
BlueEyedSarah Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 If you tell them you still love them and miss them and they do not respond back in the same way wouldn't that hurt?
carrotgirl Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I think what I'm finally able to put into practice, teensy weensy baby steps practice are my thoughts on what NC is about and who it's there to protect. I personally don't think NC is ever a way to "get someone back". I very much believe that NC is not to protect the person instigating NC, dumper or dumpee. NC protects the other person from people instigating NC. The instigator reaps the reward of insulating her or himself from the other person's responses but the person truly protected is the other. As far as contact or how much or what. I've been using those tiny baby steps to find balance between giving what I think the other person truly wants to receive, and NOT what I want the other person to have! And then NOT giving what probably isn't going to be valued and only giving the bits I'm sure will be. I don't need to give my ex something he doesn't want. That isn't a gift anymore then, it's hostility. Then there's this concept I'm wrestling with too. I don't need to win. I really like to win. My ex really likes to win. I work with mathematical theories and paradoxes all day. It's my love and I'm lucky to have work that is also a love and a lifestyle. Today I turned the focus inward and all I saw was a non zero sum game. In a non zero sum game the participants leave with either more or less than they started with. There is no in between. The only way for both participants to come out ahead in a non zero sum game is to cooperate. Carrot
alwayshurt Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 NC is meant for those people who have been hurt and need to move on. The more you keep in touch with the dumper the longer your pain will last. If dumpers are over you, ther is nothing you can do to make change their minds. Actually, the more nice things you say, like I love you I miss you, the further you push them away just because they are over you and they don't want to listen to these kind of craps...yes because for them it is craps. One thing is that you say things to take them out of your chest but ready to move on, but if you are try to impress them saying things like "how much you love them or what a good person you are and what they lost by dumping you" is the wrong approach. NC is a way to cure yourself...to allow you to clean up your mind and forget that person. Once you are over, then you can recontact again. But at that point, do u really want to do that?
Lee725 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Most of the time NC is not about being nasty or pretending you dont care about the other person, sometimes, it can seem that maintaining contact will make it better when in fact it can make it worse. People form relationships and become VERY attached to the other person, sometimes to the degree where they loose sight of who they really are. They loose sight of their feelings/thoughts/ideas and ideals. It is a scientific fact that people tend to mimic the actions and behaviours of people they like -be it that other person is just plain nice or if the mimic is in love with them. This means sometimes to a degree we sacrifice parts of ourselves in order to gain the approval or "connection" with the person we like. NC for the Dumper gives them time to assess whether the dumpee presented the problems that caused the relationship breakdown or whether the problems were within themselves .... self reflection.... was it me? was it them? The dumper normally does know why they did it, but i am sure that there is a point where the dumper does question what they done and if they stay in contact with the dumpee and then realize they have done the right thing in breaking it off... where does that leave the dumpee? NC for the dumpee gives them time to heal. Being dumped is rarely easy, as we are all aware we are left with a multitude of negative feelings and negative self assessments. When someone hurts us sometimes the last thing we need is to be near them or hear from them. The dumpee generally has many more questions than the dumper and normally the answers to those questions are not constructive ones which will enhance the dumpees sense of self esteem. EG: You are wonderful, but i just dont want to be with you.......... what the??? The dumpee's over riding urge to have these questions answered normally only creates more questions and more pain. I understand what you are saying and you do have some really valid points. After a period of NC, if some of those things are still relevant, a time will come when they can be discussed without the anger/pain/resentment on both sides. NC is different for everyone and the terms that come with it are different too. This is just my take on it and why i think that it is a good thing.
birdie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I don't usually keep to NC because I tend to have relevant bits and bobs to talk to my exes about through LC. we don't text/email/call about messages such as 'love you' or 'miss you' but other stuff that's going on and relevant to the other person. basically, we have a conversation when we have something to say beyond emotions. I don't even know when they date someone new because it's not something we talk about. I find that takes a lot of the drama out of the conversations and there is some connection that remains without it being painful.
funkybassplayer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I thnk both partys should go through a period of n/c and maybe after that it may be possible to re establish a frinedship should both partys wish it. I do belive that it is right to say things that you feel need to be said, but only positive loving things to the other persone, ie thanking them, and perhaps accepting your part of the break-up. I guess this will help you let go of any guilt etc, and will ultimatly help you move on. With regards stuff like, i love i miss you etc, i think if you have to say that, then your not ready to send anything, but to say what you liked about the person, and to let them know that they were loved and you did your best, will help you move forward, As a general rule, if you do anything out of a need for a reponce, then dont do it! if its to give love and good wishes, then thats a good thing. everybody likes to know they were valued and loved, in any kind of relationship be that family romiantic or whatever, its nice to hear the good parts that you liked rather than the bad, but you really have to give yourself time to let your emotions settle, and your head clear. You may by then not even wish to send a note/email, but if you do, your head would have cleared enough to write the correct things, and then it can be sent, and then left to fait. At the end of a relationship, your emotions are running high, and you feel angry, guily, sad and ill all at once, but as time moves on, hopefully you will both remember what you liked about each other and not what you didnt. thats the time to re connect if should you wish to, when you can say things that will make her/him feel loved appriciated, and cared for. If during no contact time, you find the urge to say your thoughts, maybe do it, as it can stay deep inside you and will eat at you till you do. I have in my own journey, been good only sending money to the children, and i guess letting them know i still care. As for the ex, i have recently sent a small note to tell her that i did my best, and she was always number one, and thanked her for the time i spent with her and the kids, and that i hope we can talk one day. So the bottom line is dont send anything untill you feel your doing it for the right reason, and for the love you felt for her/him and not to get a responce. It has taken me 6 months to be able to do that in the way it was ment, but weather she is in the same space as me to recive it as it is ment, i dont know, but i guess if its done with love, that will always find the way to where it needs to go. As john lennon said.....All you need is love la la la la la!
ninjaturtles Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I thnk both partys should go through a period of n/c and maybe after thai t may be possible to re establish a frinedship should both partys wish it. I do belive that it is right to say things that you feel need to be said, but only positive loving things to the other persone, ie thanking them, and perhaps accepting your part of the break-up. I guess this will help you let go of any guilt etc, and will ultimatly help you move on I TOTALLY TOTALLY agree with that....I feel that even if you have been hurt- accusing the dumper, criticising the dumper, yelling at the dumper, putting all the blame on the dumper could possibly give them justifications for breaking up with you. A male friend of mine was telling me last night about his ex girlfriend. He broke up with her about a year ago, and went NC for a while. Through out the period, i think the girl(dumpee) was very bitter and a few months after he re-initated contact(with a possibilty of reconcilation)...however, this girl flairs up anytime he talks to her, blames him, accuses him etc. He told me last night that he has given up and would never call her again.....Infact he seems to think she has a big problem because of her post-break up behaviour. Well i told this guy that its normal for her to feel very hurt, especially as he broke up with her out of the blues.(cos he wanted to focus on his higher education)....He said he agreed etc but her post-breakup behaviour was something he could not deal with anymore etc. My point being that if you are going to contact the ex, try not to make the ex look very bad etc..(Even though he or she may deserve it) Nc is not a tool to bring back the ex.....It could as it has for me in the past...but this was only because we went NC for a while and then started talking again...As much as i wanted to lash out to the ex for all the horrible things he had done, I didnt..I tried to see the wrong on my part, the wrong on his part..the GOOD times in the relationship etc.... Anyway been in NC for almost 6 weeks now and i feel so much better. The only way your ex is going to come back is if they want to..although i strongly believe that you the (dumpeee) could created an encouraging situation which may encourage the dumper to come back, (after NC etc). eg, actually moving on, not begging and pinning/ accusing/getting mad/stalking..Instead being happy, looking well...showing by you actions that you dont NEED him/her to complete you.....That way you appear more attractive, stable, confident and secure.xx ps- ever heard that peole want what they cant have?
birdie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Slightly off topic but connecting to the previous message: I have often wondered about people wanting what they can't have and come to the conclusion that it's about control. Proving to yourself (and/or others) that you CAN have anything/anyone if you want and that it's not the other person's decision.
NotAgain Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Like I always say - it depends on the situatuon! NC isn't always going to work. NC will ALWAYS work to help you heal..but it won't always work on getting the ex back...sometimes people just don't wanna be with you. Simple as that. But about NC when tryinh to "win" them back - in certain situations it will work. Okay, when my ex dumped me, the first 2 nights I pleaded, begged, stayed outside his house crying, left him angry voicemails, and all the works. He ignored them all. So, I then sent him one last voicemail when I finally found out (by a friend:rolleyes:) he wanted it over (or so he said.) I told him I wouldn't be in contact with him anymore, and didn't want to be friends, that it was the last time I bothered. And I meant it...sorta. Then I never contacted after. A day went with nothing...then the next evening he text me with a pathetic message about not forgetting to turn my clocks back. I had no credit on my phone, and had no idea what to say. The next afternoon I decided to reply wiht a very short message, that had no indicators of wanting a reply. I found out yesterday he had to pay £2 just to read it off the net... I didn't even know that. Anyway, sure enough he didn't reply. I left it. About 2 eveings later, I got a text off him. Basicaly asking to meet him in our local pub, for a drink and a chat, blardy blah. I said I was already going and we met up. We're now back together and taking it slow, working on things. He said he had missed me a lot - that there is the key. Notice he did not miss me at all while I was pleadsing with him. How could he have? I was always too needy and he didn't have enough space, etc. so the NC unless he contacted me, and when I did contact him I kept it light. That was perfect. I wasn't preassuring him anymore. He then went on to tell me last night that when I didn't text back until the next day he was suprised - because I'm not normally like that! So, in situations such as are one (needing more space and the like) it is your best bet. We didn't have enough **** and bad times for them to out weigh the good. And I think when I abcked off he realised that. But if I kept pleading with him, it would have been more bad...and only confirm what he already though. That I was being too needy and he didn't have enough space. He is a very independant man and I am the opposite. But in other situations I believe it won't work. If you haven't given enough in the relationship...they felt you didn't care, etc. and you weren't there enough it will probably make it worse. And therefore (if the other party is willing!) LC (light/limited contact) is maybe the best option. And show you DO care about them. But of course some relationships really cannot be saved no matter what you do I was lucky that it wasn't so serious with us, and the issues could be fixed if we really really try. But again - One thing NC cannot possibly fail you on, is healing. It will help you to move on. Again to use my situation as an examle - when I saw my ex/boyfriend last night, any plan I had of being hard on him minimized. And most anger I had went out of the window, and when he smiled, looked at me, etc. all I felt was love combined with hurt . Goes to show if you see the ex, you really won't think with your head, but wiht your heart. Hope all this jibberish makes sense to someone other than me
CaliGuy Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Is NC really a good thing?I mean whether u r the dumper or the dumpee,you both will still deep down think there is a chance, Untrue. Odds are the dumper will not really be thinking of giving the dumpee another chance, especially if the dumper has found someone new. You're kidding yourself if you think this is true. so when you do this NC thing,doesnt that give the other person the impression that u simply dont care? No. NC is for YOU to heal and move on. The point is you should not CARE AT ALL what the dumper thinks. NC isn't for them. It's for YOU. I mean if u truly care about someone and miss them,wouldnt you want them to know it? If you truly care about someone, you don't dump them in the first place. Whats so bad about that? Uhhh it makes you look clingy, desperate and causes the dumper to lose any ounce of respect they MIGHT have had for you. Esp. if you have unsaid things that you want to get off your chest that were never mentioned before,or if you want them to understand certain things about why certain things were said or done,cause sometimes people say stupid unjustified things in the heat of the moment. Then guilt sets in and you just want to make the other person understand,and if you truly love them,you want them to feel better,and not think that you didnt appreciate them,sometimes i dont think NC is the best way to go. If someone truly loves you, they don't dump you. If you truly love the one that dumped you, then LET THEM GO. If it's meant to be it will happen, regardless of what you say to them. In fact, I would surmise the more you say to them after they have dumped you the less likely they are to come back. For the more words you say the greater the opportunity you have to stick your foot in your mouth, to show them you can't live without them (that's a bad thing) and to prove to them that you don't have any self-respect or confidence. You see, NC is ideal for people in many ways. Chiefly among them it shows you, the dumpee, that you CAN live without them. An especially long time away from an ex can clear your mind and show you exactly why they were not right for YOU. And in many cases, after long periods of NC, you'll find that you're glad you aren't with them anymore. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
NotAgain Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I wouldn't say if someone dumps you, they don't love you. It's not as clear cut as that. Everybody have their own personal issues. You can love someone with all your heart and soul but can't be with them.
funkybassplayer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 nothing is blank and white in this world. we have to try and be the best we can be, and do what feels right for you, If you ever have anything nice to say to anyone, just say it, cos if that creates happyness in that act, then do it. There is too much pain and bitterness in this world already.
Author bloodaye Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 im just in a situation where i did get dumped.See the thing was she was very good to me,overly good in fact. I cant pin point what the problem was exactly,but deep down my heart was never in it adn it reflected in my actions and words at times,i mean i was really impatient with her, i said some nasty things sometimes,and it was over nothing that she really did,and i was questioning myself,i would think " what the hell is wrong with me?" why dont i seem to love her as much as she loves me? I just never understood it. So now im overwhelmed with this never ending guilt,its just killing me,cause i want her know that it wasnt her fault I think i was just fooling myself into thinking i wanted to b with her,i dont blame her for dumping me at all,in fact i wondered how she stayed with me for so long and why she stayed with me,that alone made me skeptical,its hard to explain,i just feel like a piece of crap.
funkybassplayer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Maybe in few weeks send her a loving letter, what you liked about her.
Author bloodaye Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 maybe i should state a few things which i havnt yet. I know peoples pasts should be kept that way when your in a relationship with someone,you should never hold past issues against them, in the beginning of the realationship i promised myself i wouldnt,but to no avail i didnt keep that promise.Certain things about her past just haunted me and as a result i could never fully b as appreciative or as loving as she wanted me to b. As a result of me not being able to rid my mind of certain things,i never felt comfortable or content with our relationship,so it would at times show through in my actions or lack of. I would sit sometimes while we were together and ponder why i just cant put out more effort into this,and it made me feel horrible.I mean like i said she was really great to me and didnt deserve how i behaved at times. In retrospect i should never have gotten involved with her,it wasnt fair to either of us. I will tell u abit of her history and you can tell me if i was any way justified in my thinking, and i know your gonna say i shouldnt have gotten involved with her in the first place,but i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and gave it a try. Here goes.... First off she is still not divorced from her husband who she hasnt seen in 10 yrs (she was married very young at 18) I very calmy would ask her if was ever going to do something about it,and her reply was just that she doesnt know where he is and she needs him to fully divorce. Secondly, and this is messed up i know,she spent time in prison when she was 21,not only did the prison thing bother me,but she actually told me she had sexual relations with women while she was in there ( which isnt uncommon when u spend time in prison) but the visual pictures that entered my mind just made me sick. Her time was for drug smuggling. lastly... when we met she was still in a relationship that she didnt know how to get out of,she was very willing to sleep with me while still in this other relationship. I never slept with her,i just dont believe in that,not until she ended it with the other guy. Which eventually happened,but to know that she would have slept with me while seeing someone else just always made me wonder if she would cheat on me. When i finally had nerve to confront her about it,she would just keep telling me she never did anything like that b4 and that she did it cause it because it was me,and she never wanted to that ever with anyone b4,i just couldnt buy that and it never left my mind. So thers the scoop on why i behaved in certain ways, right or wrong i still feel like a jackass.
Author bloodaye Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 maybe i should state a few things which i havnt yet. I know peoples pasts should be kept that way when your in a relationship with someone,you should never hold past issues against them, in the beginning of the realationship i promised myself i wouldnt,but to no avail i didnt keep that promise.Certain things about her past just haunted me and as a result i could never fully b as appreciative or as loving as she wanted me to b. As a result of me not being able to rid my mind of certain things,i never felt comfortable or content with our relationship,so it would at times show through in my actions or lack of. I would sit sometimes while we were together and ponder why i just cant put out more effort into this,and it made me feel horrible.I mean like i said she was really great to me and didnt deserve how i behaved at times. In retrospect i should never have gotten involved with her,it wasnt fair to either of us. I will tell u abit of her history and you can tell me if i was any way justified in my thinking, and i know your gonna say i shouldnt have gotten involved with her in the first place,but i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and gave it a try. Here goes.... First off she is still not divorced from her husband who she hasnt seen in 10 yrs (she was married very young at 18) I very calmy would ask her if was ever going to do something about it,and her reply was just that she doesnt know where he is and she needs him to fully divorce. Secondly, and this is messed up i know,she spent time in prison when she was 21,not only did the prison thing bother me,but she actually told me she had sexual relations with women while she was in there ( which isnt uncommon when u spend time in prison) but the visual pictures that entered my mind just made me sick. Her time was for drug smuggling. lastly... when we met she was still in a relationship that she didnt know how to get out of,she was very willing to sleep with me while still in this other relationship. I never slept with her,i just dont believe in that,not until she ended it with the other guy. Which eventually happened,but to know that she would have slept with me while seeing someone else just always made me wonder if she would cheat on me. When i finally had nerve to confront her about it,she would just keep telling me she never did anything like that b4 and that she did it cause it because it was me,and she never wanted to that ever with anyone b4,i just couldnt buy that and it never left my mind. So thers the scoop on why i behaved in certain ways, right or wrong i still feel like a jackass.
norajane Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 In your situation, I think the problem with getting in touch with her to say "I'm sorry, I know I was a jackass" is that it might give her hope to believe you want her back. And she probably needs to distance herself from you to help her get over the break-up and heal enough to move on. I don't think it would be a good idea to do anything that would give her hope that you'd get back together with her. I think it might re-open the wound for her.
funkybassplayer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 maybe i should state a few things which i havnt yet. I know peoples pasts should be kept that way when your in a relationship with someone,you should never hold past issues against them, in the beginning of the realationship i promised myself i wouldnt,but to no avail i didnt keep that promise.Certain things about her past just haunted me and as a result i could never fully b as appreciative or as loving as she wanted me to b. As a result of me not being able to rid my mind of certain things,i never felt comfortable or content with our relationship,so it would at times show through in my actions or lack of. I would sit sometimes while we were together and ponder why i just cant put out more effort into this,and it made me feel horrible.I mean like i said she was really great to me and didnt deserve how i behaved at times. In retrospect i should never have gotten involved with her,it wasnt fair to either of us. I will tell u abit of her history and you can tell me if i was any way justified in my thinking, and i know your gonna say i shouldnt have gotten involved with her in the first place,but i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and gave it a try. Here goes.... First off she is still not divorced from her husband who she hasnt seen in 10 yrs (she was married very young at 18) I very calmy would ask her if was ever going to do something about it,and her reply was just that she doesnt know where he is and she needs him to fully divorce. Secondly, and this is messed up i know,she spent time in prison when she was 21,not only did the prison thing bother me,but she actually told me she had sexual relations with women while she was in there ( which isnt uncommon when u spend time in prison) but the visual pictures that entered my mind just made me sick. Her time was for drug smuggling. lastly... when we met she was still in a relationship that she didnt know how to get out of,she was very willing to sleep with me while still in this other relationship. I never slept with her,i just dont believe in that,not until she ended it with the other guy. Which eventually happened,but to know that she would have slept with me while seeing someone else just always made me wonder if she would cheat on me. When i finally had nerve to confront her about it,she would just keep telling me she never did anything like that b4 and that she did it cause it because it was me,and she never wanted to that ever with anyone b4,i just couldnt buy that and it never left my mind. So thers the scoop on why i behaved in certain ways, right or wrong i still feel like a jackass. My ex too was married AND refused to talk of divorce. To me this was a huge deal, and one that i felt uncomfertable with. His stuff was all over the house, and i felt she was not my woman. I guess i never felt number 1 and i also detached from the relationship, b/c to me it was a lack of commitment. I mean when some1 refuses to talk even about divorce, it makes you feel rotton, and of course, its ok for them, they dont have to feel it, so on that score, i compleatly understand.U did your best, and you cant help how you felt.
birdie Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 We're now back together and taking it slow, working on things. He said he had missed me a lot - that there is the key. Notice he did not miss me at all while I was pleadsing with him. How could he have? I was always too needy and he didn't have enough space, etc. so the NC unless he contacted me, and when I did contact him I kept it light. That was perfect. I wasn't preassuring him anymore. He then went on to tell me last night that when I didn't text back until the next day he was suprised - because I'm not normally like that! so basically he takes you back if you are not so much 'trouble' in the future and doesn't have to talk to you as much? nice
Spinderella Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Bloodaye, it seems you are unhappy with yourself for not being able to love her enough. You could say sorry many times, but, until you try to understand why you were unable to feel and express love in the relationship, it is of no benefit to you. If you think that she would benefit from you saying sorry, then thats a different matter, but, I think this is more about you, because from what you have said, she is in another relationship and is happy. Therefore, it seems that saying sorry, is being used as a cure for what you percieve in yourself as behaviour that is not in keeping with your standards for yourself. This is trying to use an external cure for an internal problem. Perhaps you are even seeing "getting her back" as an answer for the same problem. If you dont like the way you were then try to find a way to get to the root of, and dissolve whatever it was that made you act or feel this way. Once you have changed an aspect of yourself you are unhappy with, it no longer exists.
Spinderella Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 And in response to the original post... NC simply gives both people time to digest changes, to understand what went wrong, and to stabilise emotions. The time period is the time it takes, and the time it takes it dependent on the willing and capacity of understanding, as well as the complexity of the relationship/break-up and the individuals past baggage. Communication before understanding and stability has been reached is pointless, because nobody knows where they are yet. More often than not, the dumper is still confused, and the dumpee is still trying to hold on to the relationship. The pain and confusion that arises from that situation is obvious.
funkybassplayer Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Bloodaye, it seems you are unhappy with yourself for not being able to love her enough. You could say sorry many times, but, until you try to understand why you were unable to feel and express love in the relationship, it is of no benefit to you. If you think that she would benefit from you saying sorry, then thats a different matter, but, I think this is more about you, because from what you have said, she is in another relationship and is happy. Therefore, it seems that saying sorry, is being used as a cure for what you percieve in yourself as behaviour that is not in keeping with your standards for yourself. This is trying to use an external cure for an internal problem. Perhaps you are even seeing "getting her back" as an answer for the same problem. If you dont like the way you were then try to find a way to get to the root of, and dissolve whatever it was that made you act or feel this way. Once you have changed an aspect of yourself you are unhappy with, it no longer exists. Saying sorry is a good thing if it comes from the right place. Saying sorry will realese a certain amount of guilt, and will connect with love to the ex, but once again, the vibe in which you write it will be picked up, so if you write it when your needy, then it will come across all wrong. you have to wait till you really trully wish to say sorry, and have forgiven her and yourself, and then it will come from the right place, but again, this really means looking at yourself, and getting the self love that you have mis placed for the moment back. SELF LOVE IS THE KEY TO IT ALL, if you dont love yourself, you wont love others, but they may love you. Be strong, concentrate on you, and the feeling will return, along with the openess that you will be able to put pen to paper and write what is true.
CaliGuy Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 im just in a situation where i did get dumped.See the thing was she was very good to me,overly good in fact. I cant pin point what the problem was exactly,but deep down my heart was never in it adn it reflected in my actions and words at times,i mean i was really impatient with her, i said some nasty things sometimes,and it was over nothing that she really did,and i was questioning myself,i would think " what the hell is wrong with me?" why dont i seem to love her as much as she loves me? I just never understood it. So now im overwhelmed with this never ending guilt,its just killing me,cause i want her know that it wasnt her fault I think i was just fooling myself into thinking i wanted to b with her,i dont blame her for dumping me at all,in fact i wondered how she stayed with me for so long and why she stayed with me,that alone made me skeptical,its hard to explain,i just feel like a piece of crap. Then in your case maybe NC isn't a good idea. Follow FBP's advice and write your thoughts down in a letter to her. Sit on it for a few days before you send it so you can make sure it's what you really want to say. The thing about words, whether written or verbal, is once you say them you can not take them back. For MOST dumpees, I advise NC simply because for the general majority they need the time and space away to heal. Cheers.
funkybassplayer Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 And in response to the original post... NC simply gives both people time to digest changes, to understand what went wrong, and to stabilise emotions. The time period is the time it takes, and the time it takes it dependent on the willing and capacity of understanding, as well as the complexity of the relationship/break-up and the individuals past baggage. Communication before understanding and stability has been reached is pointless, because nobody knows where they are yet. More often than not, the dumper is still confused, and the dumpee is still trying to hold on to the relationship. The pain and confusion that arises from that situation is obvious. Its a tricky one too, cos eighter one of you may be at a different stage in your healing, but if 1 party is healed enough, and writes good things to the other, you can be sure that it will help the other party whatever stage they are at. There is never anything wrong with giving good wishes to anybody, as long as its genuine, and done out of love. When i say love that does not have to mean a romantic love but just a love of people, and yourself, and for what was.
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