Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 As some of you may have figured out by now, I now have a BF. We've only been dating a month, but so far it's been grand. He has treated me better than any other guy ever has. I haven't wanted to discuss it here because I always seem to jinx myself. However, I know there are some awesome people here who will give me honest, heartfelt advice...and I desperately need it right now. Anyway, about a month or so into every new relationship, I get this freak-out feeling. The "does-he-like-me-as-much-as-I-like-him?" feeling. The "OMG-he-hasn't-called-me-yet-today" feeling. The feeling that takes my concentration away from my work, brings me here, and leaves me sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if his behavior is really the result of just becoming more comfortable with one another and our relationship, or whether there's an underlying concern here. Regardless, I feel irrational and ... just ridiculous for worrying about this. My primary example is this. On days where we don't see each other, he always sends me a cute email message that tells me he's thinking of me, etc. This is usually in the morning. He also calls me in the afternoon. We saw each other last night, and because of his work commitments won't get to see each other again until Wednesday. I sent him an email this morning via MySpace before he normally would, saying the things he normally says. He read it around 10 a.m., but didn't respond. During the workweek, he usually calls me around 2-3 p.m. too for a few minutes, but today he didn't call. Normally, if some girl here on LS were complaining about this, I'd be telling her to grow some ovaries and get over it. But it's easier said than done, I know. I'm afraid of being that needy, clingy girl. I'm also afraid of being afraid and pushing him away. I'm afraid of being too emotional, which I definitely feel I am right now. Either way, I need to prevent myself from doing (or not doing?) things that would wig him out and make him run for the hills. Keep in mind that we spent 6 out of the last 7 nights together. Eeek, alot, I know...but it just naturally happened that way. Perhaps he just needs some downtime? I do too, for sure....but my concern is that he's growing sick of me. How do I control these feelings? Are they normal? Rational? Am I being a big scared baby?
garnet Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 From where I'm sitting, it just sounds like he's probably having a busy day. As you move forward and get comfortable in relationships, I think maybe it's unrealistic to maintain the same level of intense contact and "cute messages" all the time, so it could be that also. Just try to relax and focus on yourself and your day. I really don't think it's anything to worry about. When you do hear from him, I probably wouldn't bring it up for fear of seeming clingy as you say, but that's me. Remember: You are the prize.
squeak Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I always feel like that too, especially when a pattern is established and then one day-holy cow-what's happening? He broke it! What does it mean? It's just been one day, I think ya just need some outside perspective, that's all I would only say to read into it if this happened more than one day, or even several days. Seems like things are going swimmingly Star!
Lauriebell82 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Okay, SG you should maybe think about the irony here. Many girls, including me have posted similar things to this and you have told us all that we are being too needy and dependent. It seems like you are doing the same. It's NORMAL in a new relationship I think, and you are realizing this now that you are in one. So look at it from all our perspectives. I know it's easier said than done, but just back off. You guys are in a relationship now, but I still think you should play it cool. Maybe even not spend as many nights together. You don't want to freak him out by making this into some big time relationship yet. Also, maybe you are just settling into a routine now. I think text messaging and sweet little myspace messages tend to die down as the relationship progresses. These are normal insecurities which I and a lot of other girls have experiences. My advice is to maybe try not to worry if he doesn't respond or whatever. Maybe even cool off on the messages. Look at this from the perspective you would if someone else was posting this. I know it's not as easy as all that, but it sounds like you are just worrying too much. Enjoy the beginning of your relationship because you'll never have that time again!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Essentially your wondering if a change in his contact pattern means he is losing interest in you? I'd say he's just starting to hit a comfort zone, where he doesnt have to wonder all the time if you like him. The absolute best control for the feelings your having... is to sit back and realize how wonderful and amazing you are! Your a great catch... and you know he sees that. So its simple. Your awsome, that means no worries!
Krytie TV Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Star, when I'm having a particularly hard time trying to distract myself from those things, like this, that I know I need to distract from, I have the ability to make it a bit of a chalenge for myself. I kind of work myself up into a "let's see how long I can go without making any form of concessions to this peron" state of mind. I do it because I know I have to, and because I know that once whatever discomfort passes, I will be so thankful for the fact that I didn't do anything I was embarrassed about. And when I succeed, it's just another of life's little victories You can also convince yourself that these tests are necessary. You need to let him go a day(s) without contacting you. After a few times of this happening and having a great reunion and realizing that it was all in your head, the feelings of worry will be less intense each time. I'm not trying to insult you, but dogs teach us many things in life. It's like that attachemnt/abandonment thing dogs go through. After they come to learn through experience that every time you walk out the door you come back, the then can relax when you leave... secure in the knowledge they'll be seeing you again. Hope this helps... but don't freak. You need to give guys the opportunity to flake... the sooner the better. You made your move today. Just sit back and don't wait for him to make his
Ocean-Blue Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 SG, what you're feeling is totally normal. I've gone through it (in spade) with my bf. At the start of our relationship, things were so hot and heavy, so intense, that I got used to it... And now, things have mellowed a bit, we're both more comfortable with each other. He doesn't spend as much time with me on the phone, etc... But it's a trade-off, b/c with this new comfort zone comes a new kind of understanding b/w the two of us, a new security. Don't stress about it too much. He likes you (it's quite obvious). Take it all in stride and keep seeing him...and reap the benefits of slowly entering the comfort zone.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 He actually called about 5 seconds after I posted this. I worried myself for nothing, but I still need to figure out why I'm thinking and feeling this way. I don't like it. As you move forward and get comfortable in relationships, I think maybe it's unrealistic to maintain the same level of intense contact and "cute messages" all the time, so it could be that also. What's irritating me so much right now is that what you said is exactly what I've been telling myself, even before he broke his pattern! I don't think it's realistic to expect cutesyness 24/7 here on out, but the change in his predictable pattern made me really, really nervous. Remember: You are the prize. I keep trying to remind myself of that, but I can't help but constantly think HE is the prize too! I always feel like that too, especially when a pattern is established and then one day-holy cow-what's happening? He broke it! What does it mean? It's just been one day, I think ya just need some outside perspective, that's all Exactly, exactly! That's why I hate patterns, because as soon as they're broken, I find myself freaking out! And you're right I totally just need to maintain some outside perspective. A virtual slap upside the head, a roll of the eyes, a "You're being silly...but it's a normal feeling."
tanbark813 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Am I being a big scared baby? Yes. Seriously, though, don't give him a hard time for it. It will push him away. In all likelihood he's just busy. Find something to take your mind off of it; work, alcohol, porn, a funny online comic, whatever...
Lauriebell82 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Oh something else about messaging. My boyfriend used to leave me tons of messages on facebook, telling me how he misses me and can't wait to see me, ect. Now he doesn't do that as much. I still leave him some messages here and there but he usually doesn't even post a message back. I asked him about it one time and he said the reason is that he talks to me everyday and that I should know that he misses me and loves me. He said that he shouldn't have to leave me a message to make me realize that. So everytime you get insecure thinka bout that. Your bf probably knows how great you are, so he doesnt need to leave you little messages all the time telling you so.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Okay, SG you should maybe think about the irony here. Many girls, including me have posted similar things to this and you have told us all that we are being too needy and dependent. It seems like you are doing the same. It's NORMAL in a new relationship I think, and you are realizing this now that you are in one. So look at it from all our perspectives. I know it's easier said than done, but just back off. You guys are in a relationship now, but I still think you should play it cool. Maybe even not spend as many nights together. You don't want to freak him out by making this into some big time relationship yet. Also, maybe you are just settling into a routine now. I think text messaging and sweet little myspace messages tend to die down as the relationship progresses. These are normal insecurities which I and a lot of other girls have experiences. My advice is to maybe try not to worry if he doesn't respond or whatever. Maybe even cool off on the messages. Look at this from the perspective you would if someone else was posting this. I know it's not as easy as all that, but it sounds like you are just worrying too much. Enjoy the beginning of your relationship because you'll never have that time again! I know, I know, I know! I knew you were waiting for me to "be such a girl"! It's soooooo much easier said than done, I totally acknowledge that. I've been in this situation before, and didn't envy anyone else's torment while they were going through this transitional phase...and I still don't. Ugh. I just HATE this feeling of vulnerability. I HATE it. I hate that this feeling has the ability to draw me away from other things that are important in my life. I know these feelings are normal, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Essentially your wondering if a change in his contact pattern means he is losing interest in you? Yes, that is what I'm panicking about, because I am a lame girl right now. The absolute best control for the feelings your having... is to sit back and realize how wonderful and amazing you are! Your a great catch... and you know he sees that. So its simple. Your awsome, that means no worries! Thanks, Cobra. That's so sweet of you to say.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 You can also convince yourself that these tests are necessary. You need to let him go a day(s) without contacting you. After a few times of this happening and having a great reunion and realizing that it was all in your head, the feelings of worry will be less intense each time. I'm not trying to insult you, but dogs teach us many things in life. It's like that attachemnt/abandonment thing dogs go through. After they come to learn through experience that every time you walk out the door you come back, the then can relax when you leave... secure in the knowledge they'll be seeing you again. No insult taken, and I totally get the analogy. Thanks, Krytiekins. SG, what you're feeling is totally normal. I've gone through it (in spade) with my bf. At the start of our relationship, things were so hot and heavy, so intense, that I got used to it... And now, things have mellowed a bit, we're both more comfortable with each other. He doesn't spend as much time with me on the phone, etc... But it's a trade-off, b/c with this new comfort zone comes a new kind of understanding b/w the two of us, a new security. Ok, good. I'm even more convinced now that this transition into 'comfortable' is normal.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Yes. I know, I know. Seriously, though, don't give him a hard time for it. It will push him away. Oh, hell no! This is one of those intrapersonal tortures where I keep it all in (with the exception of crying about it here!).
Ocean-Blue Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I had a hard time dealing with the shift... I've always been a very independent girl...did my own thing, didn't let a guy affect me a whole lot. But with my bf, OMG, every little thing would bother me. I'd get all paranoid/nervous if he didn't respond like he did in past or spend as much time with me as he did before. But I'm learning to deal with it.
squeak Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Embarassing confession-I actually did a "sent messages" and "messages recieved" tally every month the 1st few months of my relationship to check myself that I wasn't overdoing it on my end. When the ratio would become 1.5 to 1 (1.5 meaning me) I would scale back a bit. I don't know if that was good or bad or silly, but it kept me in check to see those numbers in black and white and adjust accordingly. Not saying you need to do that-I'm just sharing my own brand of craziness with you SG!
shadowplay Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I know exactly how you feel. A few suggestions. I think spending 6 out of 7 nights together is a tad excessive. My boyfriend and I only see each other during the weekends and that seems to keep things really exciting and new. Not that you have to cut down to only weekend contact, but maybe 3-4 out of 7 days would be better. Keep a healthy distance since it's so early in the relationship. It sounds like you guys are moving a little fast. At one month my bf and I were only seeing each other twice a week tops even though our relationship wasn't yet long distance. I hadn't even slept with him yet. Also, I would rarely initiate emails/messages/calls. Let him be the one. And don't expect him to maintain the same level of contact every day. Do you really want a guy who checks in with you regularly because he feels like he has to?
shadowplay Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Embarassing confession-I actually did a "sent messages" and "messages recieved" tally every month the 1st few months of my relationship to check myself that I wasn't overdoing it on my end. When the ratio would become 1.5 to 1 (1.5 meaning me) I would scale back a bit. I don't know if that was good or bad or silly, but it kept me in check to see those numbers in black and white and adjust accordingly. Not saying you need to do that-I'm just sharing my own brand of craziness with you SG! Call me neurotic but I've actually NEVER initiated a phone call with my bf unless it's for a strictly practical reason (we're meeting up in a few minutes and need to find each other).
Author Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Embarassing confession-I actually did a "sent messages" and "messages recieved" tally every month the 1st few months of my relationship to check myself that I wasn't overdoing it on my end. When the ratio would become 1.5 to 1 (1.5 meaning me) I would scale back a bit. I don't know if that was good or bad or silly, but it kept me in check to see those numbers in black and white and adjust accordingly. Not saying you need to do that-I'm just sharing my own brand of craziness with you SG! Ha!! That's awesome. Particularly the phrase "brand of craziness." My guy friend used to say, "All women are crazy. It's just a matter of figuring out whether any given woman's brand of crazy matches your own." I know exactly how you feel. A few suggestions. I think spending 6 out of 7 nights together is a tad excessive. My boyfriend and I only see each other during the weekends and that seems to keep things really exciting and new. Not that you have to cut down to only weekend contact, but maybe 4 out of 7 days would be better. Keep a healthy distance since it's so early in the relationship. It sounds like you guys are moving a little fast. At one month he and I were only seeing each other twice a week tops even though our relationship wasn't yet long distance. Also, I would rarely initiate emails/messages/calls. Let him be the one. And don't expect him to maintain the same level of contact every day. Do you really want a guy who checks in with you regularly because he feels like he has to? I totally agree that 6 out of 7 nights is excessive, particularly given the newness of our relationship...but it literally just kinda happened that way without any planning. We were seeing each other 2-3 times a week up until the last week. He was supposed to go out of town for work, so we spent 3 nights together thinking we weren't going to see each other for a bit. He went out of town, and came back 1.5 days later - much, much sooner than expected. Then we wound up spending Friday through Sunday together. Everything was perfect until last night, when it seemed "too much" to me. From here on out, I'm really going to try to pace our time together so it's more reasonable. And I totally don't want him to "check in" with me, either out of obligation or habit. I want him to contact me because he wants to, whenever that is.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Call me neurotic but I've actually NEVER initiated a phone call with my bf unless it's for a strictly practical reason (we're meeting up in a few minutes and need to find each other). So, unless there is some business purpose to attend to you dont want to talk to him? As your BF, thats how I would see that.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Call me neurotic but I've actually NEVER initiated a phone call with my bf unless it's for a strictly practical reason (we're meeting up in a few minutes and need to find each other). Now see, THAT seems unreasonable to me. IMO a relationship is give-and-take, including when it comes to communication.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Call me neurotic but I've actually NEVER initiated a phone call with my bf unless it's for a strictly practical reason (we're meeting up in a few minutes and need to find each other). Isn't this a tad calculating? Why hold off on calling him up except for practical reasons?
squeak Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Call me neurotic but I've actually NEVER initiated a phone call with my bf unless it's for a strictly practical reason (we're meeting up in a few minutes and need to find each other). What do you do if you have a need to talk to him? Do you stifle the urge? Or is that an early dating thing you'll change as time progresses? Or are you saying you will never initiate calls to him even in-say -6 months or a year's time?
shadowplay Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 So, unless there is some business purpose to attend to you dont want to talk to him? As your BF, thats how I would see that. No, he ims me every night and we talk for awhile online and I answer the phone when he calls. I just rarely initiate, because I prefer that he come to me. I'm always very wary of putting myself in a "dependent" position so I go to extremes to avoid that. It's partly also that I don't like talking over the phone...never have. I prefer online or in person.
shadowplay Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 What do you do if you have a need to talk to him? Do you stifle the urge? Or is that an early dating thing you'll change as time progresses? Or are you saying you will never initiate calls to him even in-say -6 months or a year's time? I'm sure eventually I'll feel more comfortable initiating, but right now it's still relatively early (4 months) and I'm trying to be careful because I know how men are.
Recommended Posts