2complicated Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 This is my first post here. I'm really not sure where to start. I know my story isn't unique. I am the OW. I will say I have been on both sides of the fence. I was the W being cheated on and now the OW. Neither side is very good. Here's my story. I have been seeing MM for 8 months. He doesn't live with his wife, in fact she lives in another state. She only comes here to bring there daughter for special occations. She also continues to help pay the bills on the house he lives in. He cannot afford the house payments alone and in all fairness they did buy the house together. This is why he says he still lets her come down here. Also he wants to see his child and she won't let him see the child without her being here. Anyway, he has put the house up for sale. He says as soon as the house sells and he can get an apartment he will legally separate from her. He also has a child living with him from a previous relationship, which is why I try to be so understanding. He has to have a roof over his childs head. My question is should I give him time to sell his house and wait on him or should I just let him go? He has followed through with everything else he told me he was going to do. I never saw myself getting into this. We started off as friends and neither of us had any plan on this changing. His marriage was already in trouble before I came along. In fact she had already started living in another state when we started seeing each other romantically. Please no judgements. You can't say anything to me that I haven't already said to myself. I really don't know what to do.
complicatedlife Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 This is my first post here. I'm really not sure where to start. I know my story isn't unique. I am the OW. I will say I have been on both sides of the fence. I was the W being cheated on and now the OW. Neither side is very good. Here's my story. I have been seeing MM for 8 months. He doesn't live with his wife, in fact she lives in another state. She only comes here to bring there daughter for special occations. She also continues to help pay the bills on the house he lives in. He cannot afford the house payments alone and in all fairness they did buy the house together. This is why he says he still lets her come down here. Also he wants to see his child and she won't let him see the child without her being here. Anyway, he has put the house up for sale. He says as soon as the house sells and he can get an apartment he will legally separate from her. He also has a child living with him from a previous relationship, which is why I try to be so understanding. He has to have a roof over his childs head. My question is should I give him time to sell his house and wait on him or should I just let him go? He has followed through with everything else he told me he was going to do. I never saw myself getting into this. We started off as friends and neither of us had any plan on this changing. His marriage was already in trouble before I came along. In fact she had already started living in another state when we started seeing each other romantically. Please no judgements. You can't say anything to me that I haven't already said to myself. I really don't know what to do. Hey there, welcome - this has been a great place for me to vent - I have gotten some really great opinions and advice here; hopefully I can do that for someone. Quick question - if his wife and he are physically separated, has he offered a reason why they are not as yet legally separated?
KATANYA Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I know people will strongly disagree with me but he and his wife were living separate and apart when your relationship started right? If that were the case I don't see you as being the reason for the split or the lack of reconciliation. I don't really see you as being the OW in that you are coming between MM and his W - they were already apart. I see you more as the new gf in his life. I would say you should tread lightly with him for a few reasons: 1) You don't want to be dragged into the separation/divorce issues 2) He is hurting and needy right now and you don't want to confuse feelings he has right now (I met my exH 1 mt after his gf moved out with their child.....I very quickly got caught up in his fight for access/visitation, etc. etc. etc. We did get married 2 yrs later but I always felt we should have not have been so quickly and deeply involved with each other because he literally went from that R to our R...too much too soon.! You bond over crisis and his life was always crisis when I first met him. He needed a friend, counsellor and confidante and I was all of them. A little older and wiser now...it was not a good idea to also be the lover/gf/wife!) Why not put some distance in that you can be supportive and friends til he gets his situation sorted out and gets the separation worked out. Let him have that space to get used to being on his own and re-establishing new boundaries with ex and child as well as getting his child settled into a new lifestyle as just the two of them so you never feel like you 'moved in' just as she 'moved out' and so you don't end up feeling like you have replaced anyone in anyones life (child included). Just a thought from someone who's been there. Good Luck.
Author 2complicated Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 He has not legally separted from her because of her helping pay the bills on the house. If he legalizes she will no longer help with the bills and because he has no family in the area he and his daughter from prev. relationship will be homeless. W has asked for a divorce but will not go through with it because she is very close to his child from prev relationship. He is also afraid the daughter they have together with he loves dearly will be taken from him completely. She has very rich parents and W has already told him that W and daughter are a package deal. He is trying to let her file first so W will have less of a chance of keeping his daughter away. I think my biggest issue is that she still spends weekends down here once in a while. We can have no contact on those weekends. I can't stand that.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 You honestly believe this story? Seriously? Why would a woman leave her husband and CONTINUE paying the bills on a house she no longer lives in? Just because they bought it together? So what? If she was that concerned about him defaulting on the mortgage, she'd have put that house up for sale the SECOND she left, not continue to pay his bills for the next umpteen months. That simply doesn't make sense that she's shelling out possibly a thousand dollars a month or more JUST to have a place to stay when she brings their kid down for 'special occasions.' Sorry, I wouldn't believe that story if you forced it down my throat with a shovel.
KATANYA Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I don't know....W may be helping to pay the bills because 1) she is close to the stepdaughter and feels a sense of obligation to her and 2)because perhaps she is still hoping for reconciliation with H and does not want to cut all ties just yet (hence the 'package deal' statement). I think you need to back away from this slowly...be supportive and a friend but keep your distance until you see how the situation plays out. Failing that, you may end up with a new roommate and child because if she really means what she says and if she finds out about you two, the W may very well pull the plug on everything and leave him with nothing (which does not sound too far fetched given she had the financial means to dictate how this will play out). MM may also decide that stayiing with W means he can continue to provide for his daughter and continue a relationship with their child.........what parent wouldn't want that?? This could very well be one of those situations where financial reasons outweigh desire to leave....at least for now.
frannie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I have been seeing MM for 8 months. He doesn't live with his wife, in fact she lives in another state. She only comes here to bring there daughter for special occations. She also continues to help pay the bills on the house he lives in. He cannot afford the house payments alone and in all fairness they did buy the house together. This is why he says he still lets her come down here. Also he wants to see his child and she won't let him see the child without her being here. Anyway, he has put the house up for sale. He says as soon as the house sells and he can get an apartment he will legally separate from her. ... My question is should I give him time to sell his house and wait on him or should I just let him go? Hmm... sounds very complicated. If they're living apart, then are they 'separated' at least by agreement if not 'legally separated'? Does his W know he intends to separate from her? Are you sure they're so apart as geography would suggest..? As part of the legal separation, he will presumably organise so that he gets to have time alone with his own child..? How come she 'won't allow' that at the moment..? This doesn't sound good to me. I would try to get more information from him if at all possible... I know that's pretty difficult when you only have his word for things. But... just because a house is being sold doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot. I'd remain on your guard about what's going on.
complicatedlife Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 He has not legally separted from her because of her helping pay the bills on the house. If he legalizes she will no longer help with the bills and because he has no family in the area he and his daughter from prev. relationship will be homeless. W has asked for a divorce but will not go through with it because she is very close to his child from prev relationship. He is also afraid the daughter they have together with he loves dearly will be taken from him completely. She has very rich parents and W has already told him that W and daughter are a package deal. He is trying to let her file first so W will have less of a chance of keeping his daughter away. I think my biggest issue is that she still spends weekends down here once in a while. We can have no contact on those weekends. I can't stand that. This situation seems like it's going to take a while to have any sort of resolution. Are you willing to wait?
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