ladybug30 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I have been with my guy for 4 years now. When we met we were both in the process of getting divorced so marriage was not an option at that time. Since then I have become more & more in love and have reconsidered the whole marriage issue. He is my best friend, an excellent father and is everything I want in a husband. Problem is he really doesn't want to get married ever again. I'm not sure if it is because the last one failed or what it is. I am, so I think, a great catch. I cook, clean and generally take very good care of him and treat his children as if they were my own. I am starting to feel very desperate at this point. I feel like 4 years is long enough to decide wether or not I am worthy enough to be his wife. None of our friends seem to think he will ever ask me to marry him. What should I do? I don't want to nag him about it, I don't want to push him away. But, at the same time, if I don't bring it up how is he to ever know what I am going thru. Should I just move on or wait and possibly loose another 4 years to a man that will never commit? I need help.
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Do you want to have kids with this guy? Is that why you say you're getting desperate? When did he say he's never getting married again? Over the weekend or something? Because if you knew he felt this way for years but stayed with him anyway then you really have no right to be upset that he won't marry you, ya know?
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Were you two affair partners? Just curious. I take it you two are living together now? It could very well be because he was married once before he doesn't want to married again. With that being said, he can still be committed to you! Commonlaw is legal, and you two can have Wills drawn up, share bank accounts too. Don't make it about you, that you aren't worthy of being his wife...This obviously is his own issue and has nothing to do with how he feels about you.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Please do not try to convice or make someone do something they do not want to do. His fear of marriage has very little or nothing to do with you. Many great guys out there don't want marriage. If you love him enough to stay with him, then let him know and try to work something out that will please you both. What is it that you want? What is it that he doesn't want? I bet you'll see similarities and can come to an agreement on something. Just be open to the fact that it's not marriage, per se. Do you both keep the relationship interesting? I read somewhere that a woman knows by the first kiss, how far the relationship will go and the man knows within 3 months. It's also a known fact that the sensory hormones (dia-something) becomes null after 3-4 years. It's a chemical that the body produces during infatuation, love, sex, etc. After 3-4 years, the body becomes immune. That's when you need to spice up your relationship or it can die.
Author ladybug30 Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 We actually were not having an affair, per se. Both of us had moved out and were living on our own but neither of us had the actuall legal papers when we "got together." Do you think that was wrong?
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 It could be something that is weighing on his mind. I don't know...But, what I do know is, he is not ready to get married so it's up to you on what you can and can't put up with. IF you need more, need that ring on your finger, then end it now. Let him go and find a man who is into marriage.
Author ladybug30 Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 I would love to have a child with him. Like I said he's an excellent father already. I'm 30 and my biological clock is going bonkers! Maybe that is the push I feel to get married??? I have known all along how he feels about marriage. So, you're right-I can't put that on him. But, to his fault he has been on the fence about it many times. It has never been a straight "no" answer.
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Did you ever tell him you want children of your own? Does he know that he's wasting your time then?
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 But, at the same time, if I don't bring it up how is he to ever know what I am going thru. Then talk to him about how you are feeling, and sympathize with his concerns about re-marrying again. You can still have a family with him and have a committed relationship with him.
Author ladybug30 Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Not necessairly. He has said he would love to to see what it would look like, but he has also said he doesn't because he already has 2....
Author ladybug30 Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 I have told him that I absolutely have to have a child of my own one day. I wouldn't feel complete with out one. I can't imagine my life not having or experiencing that unconditional love that he has for his children.-and he agreed.
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I think you need to make a choice for yourself. You either need to accept this relationship for what it is and not have what you truly want or talk to him and see if you two can't reach some sort of compromise that you'll both be able to live with. If no compromise can be met then you owe it to yourself to walk away. But you need to let him know how you feel about it all. He's not a mind-reader you know.
michaelk Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Set aside the issue of marriage and ask yourself if he's capable of being everything you want in a long-term committed relationship. If the answer is 'yes', and he's willing to give you what you want in your life (i.e. kids), then don't let the lack of a wedding band stop you. He may find himself much happier and more dedicated in a committed LTR with you than he ever did in marriage. But I would definitely discuss the issue of kids with him again. It sounds like he knows you want them, but maybe you haven't made it clear that you want them with him. This is something that you both need to be on the same page about, married or not!
Woggle Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 How did his first marriage end? Did she cheat? Did she drop the I love you but I am not in love with you bomb? Did she constantly criticize him and act like he could do nothing right? He is probably scared that if he marries you that it will blow up in his face like his first marriage.
dolcevoce Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Hi, The fact that you are seeking advice here because you have reservations/are uncomfortable with being really straight with him about what you want, should tell you something. I agree that no one should be pressured into doing something they don't want or are not ready for. That being said, are you sure that you have an equal footing in this relationship, or is he solely dictating the dynamic of things? Be very certain that this isn't a transitional relationship for him or you, in order to cushion the blow from divorce. If he can't give you a definite "yes" and a timeline, regarding having a child together, you might be better off ending it now. Are you only seeing the positives about him as a father and husband because you feel your biological clock ticking? Don't settle, you can always adopt.
michelangelo Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 maybe he never properly ended the marriage legally.
Lizzie60 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I have been with my guy for 4 years now. When we met we were both in the process of getting divorced so marriage was not an option at that time. Since then I have become more & more in love and have reconsidered the whole marriage issue. He is my best friend, an excellent father and is everything I want in a husband. Problem is he really doesn't want to get married ever again. I'm not sure if it is because the last one failed or what it is. I am, so I think, a great catch. I cook, clean and generally take very good care of him and treat his children as if they were my own. I am starting to feel very desperate at this point. I feel like 4 years is long enough to decide wether or not I am worthy enough to be his wife. None of our friends seem to think he will ever ask me to marry him. What should I do? I don't want to nag him about it, I don't want to push him away. But, at the same time, if I don't bring it up how is he to ever know what I am going thru. Should I just move on or wait and possibly loose another 4 years to a man that will never commit? I need help. When I read your post.. i felt sad... Sad because of what I put in bold... you sound sooooo emotionallly dependant on this man. I feel sorry for you.. really I do... how can you want to cook and take care of a man ..is that what you think a wife is? WOW... I don't think the 'paper' will do anything for your relationship... he doesn't want to get married... why would he? You've both had the experience before and it failed... I say... IF you want children, and he doesn't want any... IF you want to get married and he doesn't want to... move on... find someone who will fulfill your 'needs'
Mr. Lucky Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I cook, clean and generally take very good care of him and treat his children as if they were my own. Maybe your post should be titled "Why SHOULD he marry me?" He's already got a live-in cook, maid, lover and part-time Mom for his kids. I understand what you want, but what does marriage get him that he doesn't already have ? Mr. Lucky
Deanster Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Marriage adds a legal bow onto the package of your shared plan and commitment for how you're going to go forward together. You seem to have a good plan for 'now', which continues on in fine fashion day-to-day. However, you don't appear to have a shared plan for the future - kids, etc., and how you're going to participate in that. You'd need to talk to him about that. Make a list of the things YOU want for the future, and sit down with him to talk about how you might best go about achieving them. Perhaps suggest that he makes a similar list, and you can talk about how to do those things too, and find palaces with conflict. But the real key is knowing your own intentions - once you're clear about that, then you can start to bring your life in line with them, whether it's with this fellow (hopefully), or not. So, I'm a big believer that adding paper doesn't alter your relationship much - it's an external stamp (and agreement to a set of legal powers and property ownership), but that it doesn't make you more or less committed, or involved, or whatever.
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