norajane Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I had a party over the weekend, and two of my single friends seemed to hit it off. "Jerry" wants us to all get together and hang out, primarily so he can get to know "Mary" better. I spoke to Mary the day after the party and she likes Jerry a lot, but isn't interested in him romantically as he's not her type. I didn't tell her that Jerry was interested; I just said it seemed like they hit it off really well, and that's what she said in reply. So, what do I do? Do I say nothing to Jerry and just set up the get together and let them sort things out for themselves? Or do I let Jerry know that Mary thinks he's great, but she doesn't see any romantic potential?
Ali4134 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Only tell him if he asks. Tell Mary that Jerry wants them to all hang out. If she says ok, then set it up. If not then tell him she thinks he's great,but not her type or something.
Trialbyfire Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Why not ask Mary if it's okay for Jerry to have her email address? If she agrees, you can step out of the middle and let the two of them chat and figure out if they do like each other or not.
Author norajane Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Only tell him if he asks. Tell Mary that Jerry wants them to all hang out. If she says ok, then set it up. If not then tell him she thinks he's great,but not her type or something. I had brought that up with her, and she was happy to do that. She thinks he's a great guy and would be a lot of fun to hang out with.
Author norajane Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Why not ask Mary if it's okay for Jerry to have her email address? If she agrees, you can step out of the middle and let the two of them chat and figure out if they do like each other or not. Well, see, Jerry didn't ask me for her email and he didn't ask me to tell her he was interested, so I feel like I would be going too far at this point. All I've been asked to do is to set up a little get together, probably something that would include other people as well as Mary and Jerry, like a night out for drinks or something. I think Jerry just wants to get to know her better, and might step up and ask for her number next time. Or maybe not. I don't know how slow he wants to go. I guess I just don't want him to get his hopes up, since I know she's not interested, so was wondering if I should tip him off.
Trialbyfire Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Well, see, Jerry didn't ask me for her email and he didn't ask me to tell her he was interested, so I feel like I would be going too far at this point. All I've been asked to do is to set up a little get together, probably something that would include other people as well as Mary and Jerry, like a night out for drinks or something. I think Jerry just wants to get to know her better, and might step up and ask for her number next time. Or maybe not. I don't know how slow he wants to go. I guess I just don't want him to get his hopes up, since I know she's not interested, so was wondering if I should tip him off. I wouldn't tip him off. Mary might change her mind once she gets to know him better.
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I wouldn't tip him off either. He won't be himself if you tell him. And in order for anything to happen between them he needs to be himself. Like TBF said, she may change her mind.
Author norajane Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 That's a good point...I don't want to make things awkward. Maybe sparks will fly later.
serial muse Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I agree with everybody else. I wouldn't say anything at this point. Things do change, and you should probably just let them take it from here.
Author norajane Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Oh, I know... ...I just know Mary really well, and I'm pretty sure she won't change her mind. Her taste in men...well, it leans toward muscly and Jerry has a runner's build and I know that's pretty superficial, but there it is . But, you're right. They're big boys and girls and should be able to handle their feelings on their own.
Trialbyfire Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 nj, I'm fairly consistent in what I find superficially attractive in a man. It's usually a tall, lean, athletic build. Having said that, there have been a few guys I've ended up dating in the past, where I've changed my mind, after getting to know them better and appreciating who they are. They went from zero interest to HAWT!!
Author norajane Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 nj, I'm fairly consistent in what I find superficially attractive in a man. It's usually a tall, lean, athletic build. Having said that, there have been a few guys I've ended up dating in the past, where I've changed my mind, after getting to know them better and appreciating who they are. They went from zero interest to HAWT!! I have, too, especially if I see them in their element when they are most confident...like, there was a guy at work whom I wasn't much attracted to until I saw him do a few client presentations and then I was thinking he was way hot because he just had it going on. I wonder if that's a common phenomenon with women, and if men are the same way.
Trialbyfire Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I have, too, especially if I see them in their element when they are most confident...like, there was a guy at work whom I wasn't much attracted to until I saw him do a few client presentations and then I was thinking he was way hot because he just had it going on. I wonder if that's a common phenomenon with women, and if men are the same way. Exactly. I don't know if it is, although I've always assumed so, for both men and women. I do think though, that there are some men and women who judge solely by the superficial and can't be moved from their position of disinterest. It's all about wiring and personal values.
Author norajane Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Oh my, so I just got off the phone with Jerry, and there's no doubt he's crushing on Mary. He asked me to put in a good word for him... I didn't say anything to him about what Mary said. I'm just going to get a bunch of people together for drinks, and stay on the sidelines. I don't know if it is, although I've always assumed so, for both men and women. I do think though, that there are some men and women who judge solely by the superficial and can't be moved from their position of disinterest. It's all about wiring and personal values. Chemistry is a tricky thing. You can't blame people if they're really not feeling it, but at the same time, I think some people are are pretty rigid in their set of criteria and maybe limit themselves more than is good for them. I think I'd put Mary in the latter category, I'm afraid.
birdie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 at least if Jerry notices that, he will stop wondering and he will find somebody else
AriaIncognito Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 So, has anything transpired between Jerry and Mary? I'm dying to know
Author norajane Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Well, we all met up at the Halloween parade. I didn't really have a costume, but decided to wear pink hat, pink sweater, pink shoes...and went as "pretty in pink". Mary went as a sexy spy, with pleather trench coat, fedora hat, a plastic gun and 4 inch heels. Jerry didn't have a costume, so he went as a 'regular Joe'...ha. Anyway, the parade was fun and we had a great time. It didn't last long, so afterwards we went out for a drink. As we were looking for a place to go, Mary got a text from this guy we had met a few weeks before who was also at the parade, so she invited him to meet us...let's call him Harry. That was a little strange. I wasn't a big fan of Harry's. We had met him in a bar and I wasn't particularly impressed. But she's always open to that sort of thing, so she had kept in touch with him. So, we had drinks, some food, and Jerry and Harry vied for Mary's attention. Mary wasn't into Harry, so it wasn't like Jerry had much competition, but Jerry didn't have her undivided attention, either. Jerry's a friendly guy, though, and gets along with most people, so we all had a fairly good time. Then Harry left to meet some friends for a Halloween party or something. The three of us stayed a while longer, and it seemed like Mary was enjoying Jerry's company. He wasn't overtly hitting on her, but was definitely doing some flirting and asking lots of questions about her. The thing is, she kept getting texts from some other guy and kept replying to them and told him to come meet us at the bar...I know this guy, too, and she's not particularly interested in him either, but Jerry didn't know that. He didn't end up joining us anyway. At some point, they wanted to go to another bar, which is when I decided I was going to go home, so I caught a cab and left them on their own. I don't know what happened afterwards. I've gotten a couple of emails from Mary, but she didn't say anything about Jerry and she went out of town for the weekend so we haven't talked. I got a voice mail from Jerry Friday, but he didn't say anything about Mary and I didn't have time to get together with him, so we haven't talked either. I got the sense that Jerry was seeing that Mary has a lot of guys interested in her, which he probably guessed before anyway. He's not the kind to be scared away by competition, but she may have slipped a little off the pedestal since she was a little self-absorbed with all the texting at the table. So, cliff's notes version of all that, I don't really know what's what yet! ETA - oh, Jerry does have her phone number now. When she was doing all that texting at the table, he started texting my phone - to show her that it wasn't particularly fun for the rest of us when she was busy poking at her phone and trying to carry on a conversation - and during that nonsense he asked her for her number and got it.
AriaIncognito Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Haha I like jerry. if mary doesn't want him, send him my way hehe
Author norajane Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Haha I like jerry. if mary doesn't want him, send him my way hehe Ha - will do, since I really don't think they're right for each other. I think Jerry will come to that conclusion himself, sooner or later.
Magnatolia Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 No offence, but you should tell Jerry. He suggested you all get together and Mary thinks it's a great idea. therefore he is likely to get the wrong idea and possibly make a fool of himself, which could ruin any possibility of friendship. If you tell him, he can decide if he is happy being friends. Otherwise he will go along thinking he has a chance.
Author norajane Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 No offence, but you should tell Jerry. He suggested you all get together and Mary thinks it's a great idea. therefore he is likely to get the wrong idea and possibly make a fool of himself, which could ruin any possibility of friendship. If you tell him, he can decide if he is happy being friends. Otherwise he will go along thinking he has a chance. Since we already got together and Jerry didn't make a fool of himself, I'm not concerned about that so much. My main concern was that he might get his hopes up only to be disappointed, but I think as he gets to know her, he might realize they actually aren't right for each other and will actually be less disappointed. I dunno. One of Jerry's favorite quotes is: You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. He did get her phone number, after all.
Magnatolia Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 What I meant was that some women can come across as interested, yet they're just being friendly. By fool of himself I meant he could think she is interested and tell her how he feels. Then he'll be embarrassed.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I had a party over the weekend, and two of my single friends seemed to hit it off. "Jerry" wants us to all get together and hang out, primarily so he can get to know "Mary" better. I spoke to Mary the day after the party and she likes Jerry a lot, but isn't interested in him romantically as he's not her type. I didn't tell her that Jerry was interested; I just said it seemed like they hit it off really well, and that's what she said in reply. So, what do I do? Do I say nothing to Jerry and just set up the get together and let them sort things out for themselves? Or do I let Jerry know that Mary thinks he's great, but she doesn't see any romantic potential? Depends on how Jerry will take "the news". If he's the easy going type, I'm sure he'll just shrug it off and say "whatever". But if he's the intense, "why the hell doesn't she like me" type, then perhaps it's better for him to find out on his own (such people, I find, shoot the messenger). But if he's a good friend, I'd tell him. He'd feel a bit like a moron if he flirted with her and found no response, no? And by virtue of you having a second event where J and M will meet, isn't that telling him that you're trying to set them up?
Author norajane Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 What I meant was that some women can come across as interested, yet they're just being friendly. By fool of himself I meant he could think she is interested and tell her how he feels. Then he'll be embarrassed. I see. Yes, Mary is friendly and that can sometimes be misinterpreted. But Jerry is not the type to come out and just tell someone how he feels. He will flirt and see if he's getting a flirtatious response back. If he did anything, it would be more likely he'd ask her out without my being there, but I just don't see him making any declarations at this point. Depends on how Jerry will take "the news". If he's the easy going type, I'm sure he'll just shrug it off and say "whatever". But if he's the intense, "why the hell doesn't she like me" type, then perhaps it's better for him to find out on his own (such people, I find, shoot the messenger). But if he's a good friend, I'd tell him. He'd feel a bit like a moron if he flirted with her and found no response, no? And by virtue of you having a second event where J and M will meet, isn't that telling him that you're trying to set them up? Jerry is very easy going, so he wouldn't be shooting the messenger! I think we're having dinner tonight. I might try and feel him out on what his thoughts are at this point, because I spoke with Mary last night and she's not any closer to feeling an attraction there. She was complaining about all the dates she's been on in the last few weeks and how none of those guys felt right, because they seemed to be a bit on the jerky side. I took that opportunity to point out that Jerry was a great guy and not at all a jerk, but she shot that down and said he didn't seem 'macho' or 'tough' enough for her. At that point I reminded her that he's a lawyer and hardly a pushover, even though she might not have seen that side of him. But she wasn't having it. Then she brought up the muscly part... I told her to keep going to therapy... So, yeah, I think I'll see if Jerry wants to know from me what Mary's thinking, and I'll be honest with him.
Poboy Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 yup , if he asks ... tell him. otherwise , you don't have to come in between unless this goes on for too long with jerry hanging around waiting for it to happen. you have to be as good friend to jerry too as mary just isn't interested in jerry and you need to drop a hint in due time if you don't see anything happening. but for now , let it be and see hows things progress. as a good friend, i would want my friend to tell me if another friend is not interested in me. makes it easier to move one eventually rather than hanging around waiting. might be harsh initially but in the long run , he would be thankful as a good friend.
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