Kamille Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I started seeing a new guy and some of you know that he has been treating me splendidly. Unfortunately, I might have messed it up already. I completely freaked out last night and decided to leave his appartment all of a sudden, when we had plans to spend the night together. Needless to say, his cell phone is off today and I don't blame him. I would have reacted exactly the same way. I can't figure out why I did it. I just can't seem to allow myself to feel vulnerable, I freak out when I feel I need him and now I wonder why he would bother with some emotional mess like me. At the beginning of our relationship I was very unsure of what I wanted and if I wanted to be with him so I tended to pull stunts to push him out of my life. The last week had pretty much been idyllic however and we were both very happy to be together. He would laugh and make jokes about my earlier other personnality. The thought of losing him is freaking me out and I just really want to make it up to him.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 You nor he should feel the need to turn your phone off at a turning point in a relationship. You both should face the relationship as it stands. Let him cool off. There is no reason why he should expect anything from you (and you from him). How long have you been dating? If he's been treating you splendidly, then this will pass and his true feelings for you will come through. Just give it time to go away.
Author Kamille Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Thanks BEB, We've been dating for about a month and he told me last week that he was falling in love with me. I had a really tough time telling him 'me too', even though I am falling in love with him. I'm really struggling with this. It's almost like I'm entering the relationship kicking and screaming 'no I don't want this'. His joke is that fortunately he's very persistant.
Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I'm really struggling with this. It's almost like I'm entering the relationship kicking and screaming 'no I don't want this'. His joke is that fortunately he's very persistant. You know I know the feeling, Kamille. Your BF is persistent, and mine is incredibly patient and understanding. Communication, I've found, is key. Remember in the other thread how you said that a good man will stand by you through your insecurities? I think your BF will too, through all of your doubts and concerns...if you let him. How to make it up to him? Hell if I know. I'll be keeping an eye out for that answer...
Trialbyfire Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 kamille, I know exactly how you feel. I stopped dating an amazing man like that a few weeks ago, who wanted a relationship. It's why I'm on a dating strike right now, to try to figure out why I couldn't let him get closer.
oppath Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I did the same thing as TBF; she had baggage and couldn't get close to me, pulling back, then she came back but I was more remote, and therefore couldn't meet her needs and her being disappointed because, well, I wasn't willing to get close. I'm thinking of a dating strike too. Ok, 1 month is long enough to start to care for someone, it's enough to be hopeful for a future, but love? I'm not discrediting your feelings, but at this stage, you are really only at the "I like him enough to give him a chance" stage. So rather than be scared and self sabotage, realize that where you are at emotionally doesn't mean marraige and babies and that you are just growing to care for someone new in your life. I do believe it takes longer for love to distinguish itself from lust; that does not invalidate what you are feeling at all. I am merely stating that what you feel is ok, you don't have to run away from it, because where you are at is great: you have attracted someone into your life that you care for and want to have more adventures with. Perhaps trying to fram your "love" feelings in that way makes it less scary. As for how your behavior affected him...just say "sorry about the other night. I really like you and really, I can't believe I met someone I like so much" while bringing him a six pack of beer.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 The last week had pretty much been idyllic however and we were both very happy to be together. He would laugh and make jokes about my earlier other personnality. The thought of losing him is freaking me out and I just really want to make it up to him. Life demands risk. I completely disagree that a guy who keeps coming back after you push him away is the one your looking for. Your basically driving an emotional wedge into your relationship. He is going to find it harder and harder to not only express his feelings for you, but to also have those feelings. Keep it on an even keel! If you make him feel uneasy it's going to wreck your relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 What I've noticed is that the early investors aka men who say "I love you" too soon, aren't necessarily good risks.
Star Gazer Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 What I've noticed is that the early investors aka men who say "I love you" too soon, aren't necessarily good risks. I totally agree with you, TBF. My last ex and I rushed things quickly, the "I love yous" came like 3 weeks in to the relationship, which crashed and burned HARD. We're actually good friends now, but it's weird to see him doing the same thing with his new GF...it's been 2 weeks and he's already declaring his love. I'm happy for him, but I'm nervous for her. He's a great guy, but he's not a great risk...as you'd say. Ok, 1 month is long enough to start to care for someone, it's enough to be hopeful for a future, but love? I'm not discrediting your feelings, but at this stage, you are really only at the "I like him enough to give him a chance" stage. So rather than be scared and self sabotage, realize that where you are at emotionally doesn't mean marriage and babies and that you are just growing to care for someone new in your life. I do believe it takes longer for love to distinguish itself from lust; that does not invalidate what you are feeling at all. I am merely stating that what you feel is ok, you don't have to run away from it, because where you are at is great: you have attracted someone into your life that you care for and want to have more adventures with. Perhaps trying to fram your "love" feelings in that way makes it less scary. This is an awesome perspective, Oapie. I believe I'm in Kamille's shoes right now, so I'm going to have to re-read this every time I get myself all worked up over my BF.
oppath Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I feel that is the healthies "falling in love" perspective you can have. It does take time to distinguish lust from love. When a girl tells me she loves me really soon, I don't discredit it, I just think "this means she really likes me and looks forward to future adventures with me." You start to care about someone, you are hopeful, you enjoy them and look forward for more. That is what the falling in love stage is all about, but if you worry about being overwhelmed, it's good to step back and recognize what is really going on. It doesn't cheapen feelings, it forces you to sit back and think WHY am I feeling this way? So if the intimacy feels overwhelming for you, rather than pull back, recognize why you feel that way. There is risk involved. It is scary. But there is no need to get carried away with, or get freaked out by, the fact that you met someone you are growing to care for and look forward to future experiences with.
Author Kamille Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Actually the sentence he said, in french, translates into something along the lines of 'I am in the process of falling in love with you'. So Oppath, I totally agree with you. For me there is a big difference between I am falling in love and I love you. Beginnings are really confusing. But everything worked out. I came down with a fever yesterday and he came over, took care of me and made me soup. We talked about my freak out and he said that he did wonder about it, but that I was entitled to my own feelings, and that he would never resent me for listening to my needs (leaving) and that he was available if ever I felt like there was anything we had to talk about. So it is true that when someone cares for someone they support them even through their insecurities. Thank goodness for me! I do think that one of the reasons why I hold back so much with him is because I have been duped before by early investors. But we'll see. And my freak out at least allowed me to perceive one thing. I really want him in my life right now.
Pentula77 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 you're attraction to this guy is low but your mind is saying yes...hence there is conflict inside so your body does one thing (usually the right thing) and later your mind goes wtf !
Pentula77 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 The guys persistance is a mistake. If you haven't seduced him in a month then sexually the relationship will not be very good. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means there isn't enough spark to start the fire.
Timberlane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I would find it difficult not to arrive at the conclusion that there was actually something wrong with me that you were not telling if this happened to me. I don't know how this is going to work out. Sorry to hear. But as I mentioned to someone else, being emotionally guarded ruins your enjoyment of life itself. It strains out the good stuff and makes things rather bland and uninteresting. It's worth it to take risks, deal with disappointments, and yes, get hurt again.
Author Kamille Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 The guys persistance is a mistake. If you haven't seduced him in a month then sexually the relationship will not be very good. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means there isn't enough spark to start the fire. Thanks Pentula, but believe, there is a spark, there always was a spark and the fire is burning hot. I don't know what gave the impression that there was a lack of desire and attraction, sexual, emotional or intellectual, but that is really not the case. In fact, I have never been this sexually attracted to someone and this might also be a part of my freak outs. I sometimes wonder if the whole thing isn't purely sexual. Perhaps you are making a reference to something I wrote in another thread about an ex of mine, where there was a problem of sexual attraction. Let me just say, I am discovering that the partner makes all the difference. I would find it difficult not to arrive at the conclusion that there was actually something wrong with me that you were not telling if this happened to me. I don't know how this is going to work out. Sorry to hear. But as I mentioned to someone else, being emotionally guarded ruins your enjoyment of life itself. It strains out the good stuff and makes things rather bland and uninteresting. It's worth it to take risks, deal with disappointments, and yes, get hurt again. I totally agree with you Timberlane about the fact that being emotionnally guarded ruins the enjoyment of life itself. I realize now that a lot of the advice I give on here and read on LS is about protecting yourself. But the fact is, sometimes you just have to take risks.
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