lexi29 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 My ex of 3 yrs broke up with me almost a month ago. He left me for another woman-an ex of his from years ago. I've spent the last 3 weeks in hell, missing him, mourning the loss of our life together. I never expected him to come back- his new girlfriend seemed perfect for him. They had a lot in common. I figured he would marry her someday. Well long story but he called me last thursday and said he missed me. That things were were ok with him and HER but he kept comparing her to me, kept thinking about me and he wasn't enjoying being with her. He wanted to know how I was doing. Well she found out he called me and was furious. Told him never to have any contact with me again. He told her he wouldn't do that. That I was always there for him thru tough times and stood by him when he went thru getting full custody of his son and that he knew me better than he'd ever known anyone and unless I told him never to contact me again he was still going to talk to me. (NOte that I never called him during our breakup, he called me twice) He also told her that his son was very close to me and if his son still wanted to see me he would allow this. she wanted him to pretend I never existed. So she turned to me and started threatening me and telling me to leave them both alone. That I should let go and forget about them. THat I was nothign to them now and I needed to never speak to him again. (She left text messages on my cell at 5am ) Around 8am she called me and told me he'd left her and to ignore the nasty message. I told her I didn't know why she was so upset, that we were together for 3 yrs and its normal that he thinks about me once in awhile. She said that he told her he didnt' ever want anything to do with me and that he felt guilty about cheating on her with me (long story, i didn't know they were dating). She said some nasty things to me so I told her what he'd told me (I figured he was lying to spare my feelings but it turned out this was true) He'd told me that in the 3 weeks or so they'd been dating he'd only had sex with her once. Told me it was boring and that he wasn't really attracted to her and that she tried to interest him in sex every night and he kept giving her different excuses and turning her down. Said he'd been watching alot of porn I'd bought him. I figured this was bs because my ex really likes sex, I mean he wants it all the time and we used to do it at least once almost every day, most times twice a day and he never got tired of it. Well I told her this and she started crying. Told me that he said he was always too tired and she thought they only had sex once because as he told her "he's not a very sexual person" Anyway my ex wanted to meet with me (Friday). We talked for about 3 hours. He cried (only saw him cry one other time and it was about losing his son) I cried, we talked about everything. He kept saying how sorry he was. He sat on one side of the room, I was on the other. I wouldn't let him touch me. He said he'd been talking to her while we were dating (I already knew this cause he told me) and that he'd developed feelings for her becasue they were talking about what it used to be like when they dated when they were 13 adn again at 18) and he thought it would be like that now. And that she just wasn't what he expected. And that he thought about me all the time and couldn't enjoy being with her because he kept comparing her to me and she didnt' measure up. Siad she did nice things for him but he didnt' like the way she ignored his son and that she had too many problems and she told him her mom said they should get married already (they'd been dating two weeks when she brought this up!) Also she had problems with her daughter's dad and that he found out he just didn't want her around. He said when he broke up with her he felt like a huge weight had lifted off his chest. said the whole time he was dating her he kept thinking about me and she hated this. He wants to get back together- said we can take it slow if I want. Said he will do anythign to make this up to me. That he knows how bad he hurt me and doesn't blame me if I can't forgive him but he begged me to try. Said this made him realize how much he values me and how important I am to him and that what he did was stupid (he didnt' cheat on me , but he left me so he could start dating her) We went to a sporting event on saturday night- I was so happy to be with him. I'm taking it slow, just doing things as friends right now. Last night I was talking to him on the phone (he called me) and his son came home and asked who he was talking to and he told him "Lexi" and his son yelled "LExi, its really Lexi!" and wanted to talk to me. He talked my ear off for about ten minutes! He was so excited to talk to me. I'm going to pick him up after school today and take him out to eat. I'm just going to drop him off so I wont' see my ex today. Like I said we are going to take it slow This is what I've been hoping for but never thought it would happen. I'm so happy that he wants me back, but I'm cautious and scared too. I mean he really hurt me. I think he's realized what he lost and wont' do that again but I dont know if I should give him another chance. Its kind of exciting because if I do take him back it feels like this is a new begining. He realized how much I meant to him and vice versa. He's even agreed to try to quit smoking (something I didnt like) Should I give him another chance?
CaliGuy Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Short answer: No. But if you decide to give him another chance, make him work for it. It he can walk away from a three year relationship with you so easily and walk right into another one, he certainly will take you for granted if you accept him with open arms. Make him earn your trust.
Author lexi29 Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 What do I do to make him earn my trust except for taking it very slow? He is willing to do this and although I like what he is saying, to me actions speak louder than words and I would have to see how he acts to know he is sincere. I think if I gave him a 2nd chance he wouldn't take me for granted anymore because he felt how much it hurt to lose me and realized that he couldn't feel the same way about someone else. I feel like it might be a new beginining. I would take it very slow and be ready to bail if anything is amis. I realized too that I took him for granted in little ways because I just figured he'd always be around. So while I didn't neglect him in some ways (in the bedroom) i didn't take his feelings into account on some things and this is probably what led to him becoming emotionally attached to his ex. Its not my fault and I refuse to accept responsibility for his actions but I guess I did play a part in it (he didnt' say this, this is my own conclusion) as a matter of fact he took full responsibility for what he did. I don't know. Maybe its not a good idea. Probably just like putting a band aid on a wound that requires stiches. Who knows.
Author lexi29 Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 So last night I saw my ex's son. I took him out to eat and back to my house to watch a movie. He said his dad told him he wants to get back with me and I told him we are just friends for now. His son (8yrs old) brought this up as soon as he got into my car. He said that his dad is confusing him because he left me to date (his ex from a long time ago) then decided he didn't like her and now he wants to be with me again. I asked if he was ok and he said yeah but I wish you guys would make up your mind. He was very excited to see me. When we went back to my house to watch a movie he cuddled up beside me and pulled my arm around him and held on to me. He would not let me leave his side even to get something to drink. When I took him home he hugged me and told me to come back tomorrow. I told him I'll probably see him next week. But that he can call me whenever he wants. My ex was there and said he wished he had a camera to take a picture of the two of us so he could give it to his son. \ Felt so good to see his son and I'm glad he's ok. I was worried about him. It just makes it even more tempting to give my ex a 2nd chance. Right now I"m trying to remember all of the bad things I thought about him while we were broken up. I'm trying to remember all the pain and hurt he caused me.
CaliGuy Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 What do I do to make him earn my trust except for taking it very slow? He is willing to do this and although I like what he is saying, to me actions speak louder than words and I would have to see how he acts to know he is sincere. You keep him at arm's length. Don't get in a rush to go right back where you were. Remember, this guy DUMPED you for someone he thought was better. If he did it once, chances are he could do it again. If you keep that in mind you will be less likely to let your emotions take over and fall right back into a serious relationship. My best advice to you is to date other men so that you at least have a chance to see if there is someone better for you out there. Someone who won't take you for granted to walk away so easily. I think if I gave him a 2nd chance he wouldn't take me for granted anymore because he felt how much it hurt to lose me and realized that he couldn't feel the same way about someone else. I wouldn't be on this if I were you. I feel like it might be a new beginining. I would take it very slow and be ready to bail if anything is amis. I realized too that I took him for granted in little ways because I just figured he'd always be around. So while I didn't neglect him in some ways (in the bedroom) i didn't take his feelings into account on some things and this is probably what led to him becoming emotionally attached to his ex. Its not my fault and I refuse to accept responsibility for his actions but I guess I did play a part in it (he didnt' say this, this is my own conclusion) as a matter of fact he took full responsibility for what he did. I'm curious how he "took full responsibility" for walking away from the relationship. Doesn't that sound a tad odd? What did he say? "I thought I had someone better than you but I was wrong?" Does that make you feel better? I don't know. Maybe its not a good idea. Probably just like putting a band aid on a wound that requires stiches. Who knows. This is the wisest thing you've said so far regarding him. I don't think it's a good idea. At least not without YOU dating a few other guys (not sleeping with them, just DATING) to see what else is out there.
Author lexi29 Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 I'm curious how he "took full responsibility" for walking away from the relationship. Doesn't that sound a tad odd? What did he say? "I thought I had someone better than you but I was wrong?" Does that make you feel better? When he ended it with me he told me it was all about ME. That he felt that I wasn't as into him as he was me (hence why the new girl was so attractive to him, she worshipped him) and that I was messy (left stuff around his apartment which I didn't think I did) and he just took little things and magnified them and basically said I drove him away and that hurt because I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. Now he is saying that he was wrong and he took me for granted and should have not let the little things bother him because in the big picture of things they didnt' matter. Originally he basically said the whole break up was because of ME and things that I did but now he is saying that it was because of him and just his way of thinking and taking me for granted and not realizing when he had something good. He's saying he got caught up in remembering the past with HER (they dated when he was 13 and again briefly when he was 18) and she was always the "one who got away" He said they would always talk about the past and he remembered his feelings for her back then and thought she was the same person now and thats why he wanted to be with her. Because all of those good feelings came back from his past. But he spent time with her and realized she isn't the same person and neither is he and that all he could think about was me and our time together. He only had sex with her one time (since he broke up with me) and that is very odd and shows me that he really didn't have much interest in her because he's not a guy to turn down sex (and she was offering all the time). Its a lot to forgive, I know. I mean I spent the last 3 weeks in hell, mourning, missing him, wondering what I did that was so wrong. But as I said, he took responsibilty. said it had nothing to do with me, that there wasn't anything I could have done "better", that it was totally a problem with HIM. THat he let himself get caught up in reliving the past with someone and mistakenly thought things would be fantastic between the two of them. It doesn't make it hurt any less but its better than someone telling you its YOUR fault and that you could have prevented it.
thelegend Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 hey baby, i just wanted to say this to you. And i want you to think about what i'm saying. He left you to go to her. Said it wasn't you but him. He then left her saying pretty much the same things it wasn't her it was him which is true. It's obvious this man doesn't know what he wants. I do believe in second chances. But he's flip flopping between ex's because it feels comfortable. I think this guy is afraid to face himself and be alone. I know you have a bond with the child and that's beautiful but i don't think it's healthy. I have children and children have a way of changing your mind but not your heart. It's always good to forgive but never forget you went through pain for a reason. I think you need to allow him to really see if it's you he wants because honestly i dont think he's happy with himself but just my opinion
Author lexi29 Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 You are probably right, maybe hes not happy with himself and trying to find someone to make him happy. Thats not my job. I can not be responsible for another person's happiness, I can contribute to his happiness but I can't change the way he feels about himself. when he left me he told me it was about ME- that I did a lot of little things that bothered him but now he says that was just an excuse and it was really his fault because he was looking at the past (with his ex) and having all kinds of good feelings about that past and thinking the future would be more of the same with her. When he left her, he didn't say it was about him- he said that she wasn't the right person, that she wasn't what he expected or remembered. Said he wasn't attracted to her sexually, that she wanted to get married after dating him for two weeks, that she was afraid her ex (daughter's dad) would take her to court for custody and take her daugther away but she was enabling this ex by giving him gas money to come see their daughter, buying him food for their daugther, even paying some of his bills for him (she was working two jobs to support herself and received no child support from her daughter's dad because he refused to work). She was needy and drove him crazy calling him all the time and texting him and also that he thought about me all the time and compared her to me and the good times he had with me. She also expected him to completely cut me out of his life (never talk to me again) and he says even if we never get back together and are just friends he will never date anyone who has a problem with him talking to me. So he had a lot of good reasons to leave her. He and I had been thru a lot worse- there was a time when I wouldn't see him more than once a week ( my choice) and he was very upset with me and I have an ex who is now a best friend (we dated when I was 17) and we've been great friends ever since and last year he was attending college near where I live and I let him stay in my spare bedroom one night a week and my bf (ex now) hated that. He trusted me but it drove him crazy that I let another guy stay at my house. So yes, there are things I've done that he wasn't very happy with. In a way I wonder if this break up wasn't a good thing becasue it seems like now he isn't taking me for granted and it gives us a fresh start to make things work. All I know is if I do decide to get back with him I'm taking it very slow and not letting him be the focal point of my life like he used to be.
singleagain27 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Sorry Lexi but the words Door and Mat come to mind. You have been posting here for weeks going on and on and on about how cruel this guy has been to you and how he wouldn't let u see the child and wouldn't even acknowledge your presence....and now u are willing to take him back after all that.....
Author lexi29 Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Actually he told me I couldn't see his son because he was mad i told his new girlfriend he'd cheated on her already. Then not even a week later he told me I could see his son whenever I wanted (even though his new girlfriend didnt want him to have any contact with me). He was never cruel to me, it was just cruel how he ended things-very abruptly. I never said he wouldn't acknowledge me- I said I figured if I saw him in public somewhere he'd act like he didn't know me becasue that is what his new girlfriend wanted. I was the one who started the no contact- I never told him I wasn't going to contact him- it was just easier not to, to help me get over him. I never called him but he called me twice during the last 3 weeks. If I was a doormat I'd just jump back into things with him right away, no questions asked cause its certainly better than going thru the agony of the aftermath of a breakup. But thats why I"m taking it slow and looking for advice because I want to make the right decision.
hopeforlove243 Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Lexi, I read your other posts too, from what I read, I don't think you should go back to your ex, the way he dumped you, he went back to his ex, then dumped her, asking you back, all these things just tell me he is not a reliable person, he need to work on his issues before having any woman in his life.
Author lexi29 Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 i still have my doubts- so confused!! Part of me wants to forgive him. To think it was a mistake that he left me for her- because I know what it feels like to fantasize about how it might be today with your first love. That person usually has a special place in your heart and you have all these good memories of them because you met them at an innocent time in your life, before responsiblities and careers and having kids. So everythign was fun and carefree back then. So I honestly can see how he feel for her again. Not excusing his behavior at all- that still hurts and make me very angry. Obviously he realized he didnt' care much about her after he started the relationship with her- he didn't respect her, he lied to her, he only had sex with her once (and he's practically a nympho) and he didn't let her get close to his son. It was only 3 weeks he was with her. And in those short 3 weeks he missed me and now wants me back. I should be so happy about this but I'm just torn. I want everything to work out but I can't decide if this would actually be a good thing because he realized how much he does love me and how many things he missed when I was gone and realized that some of our arguements and issues were just petty after he had to deal with HER. and maybe now he will treat me even better than before because he realizes he values me so much now. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself and he would do this to me again. The hard part is I'm not allowing myself to trust his words, the only thing I will trust is his actions. But I can't see his actions unless I get back into a relationship with him and see how he behaves.
RocketMan2 Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Hey lexi Im kind of in a similar position right now. I'm sorry i dont have any advice as such, but just letting you know that there are plenty of ppl in the same situation It does sound like hes messing you around, but you can never be sure without actually finding out. My ex sounds rather like she just expects to walk straight back into my arms, but that is an assumption based on a what?... a 10 word text? In my opinion you have to hear them out. If it still sounds ****ty then at least you know you got it right and wont be wondering "what if.." for the rest of your life. Id be interested in your views: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134887/ Rocket
Tormented Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 He wants to get back together- said we can take it slow if I want. Said he will do anythign to make this up to me. That he knows how bad he hurt me and doesn't blame me if I can't forgive him but he begged me to try. Said this made him realize how much he values me and how important I am to him and that what he did was stupid (he didnt' cheat on me , but he left me so he could start dating her) Hi Lexi, When I read your post I felt as though I was reading a replica of the hell I went through with my ex. The similarities are unbelievable! My ex and I were together for about a year and a half, lived together for about 6 months of that. Like your ex, mine had a 11-year-old daughter who I got close to. Prior to meeting my ex, he was with a woman for 5 months who broke his heart in every way a human can break the heart of another. She lied to him, cheated on him (while she was living with my ex), then ran off and married the guy she was cheating with - stealing money and items that belonged to my ex the day she left (while my ex was at work). I spent hours listening to him talk about how much she hurt him and he had absolutely nothing nice to say about her. Told me he wanted nothing to do with her ever again, that she ran off and married this other man because my ex refused to marry her, that he never really loved her, rather, he felt "sorry" for her. As time went on, he and I got very close. A day didn't pass without him telling me how much he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me, made future plans for us (vacations, etc), and involved me in every aspect of his life. Then he began to change - subtle at first but more noticeably as time went on. Became moody, more critical, emotionally distant and aloof. Suddenly, everything I did was wrong and seemed to irritate him. And when I'd ask him what was wrong, I was immediately flogged with all *my* faults. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and left. One week later I discovered he had moved his ex in (the one that broke his heart and married the man she was cheating with...and was STILL married to that man). I was absolutely devastated. This was the same woman he claimed he wanted nothing to do with, was completely over, who he never really loved but felt pity for. Yet, he pushed me away for her! I went through I hell I NEVER want to go through again over this. I couldn't eat, I couldn't stop crying, I didn't want to get out of bed, I could hardly function. Within 3 weeks of moving her in, he tried to kick her out but she had nowhere to go (her husband wanted nothing to do with her). He began calling me at this time but I wouldn't answer or respond. Finally, he kicked her out 2 months later (when her husband agreed to take her back). He continued to attempt contacting me, and like an idiot, I finally picked up his calls. I heard the same exact thing you did. He was oh-so-sorry for what he did, that he would do "anything" to make it up to me. That he knew within a few days that he had made a horrible mistake and found that he missed me terribly. Said he couldn't help but compare her to me and she wasn't measuring up. Said he did a very stupid thing and wished he could take it back. Said he would never do something like this again, and if I gave him a second chance, he would "prove" how much he loves me and he felt I could learn to trust him again. Everybody on this board told me NOT to go back to him, that it would be a mistake. Cali told me the same as he's telling you (remember, Cali?), but I didn't listen. I went back to give him a second chance. The result? He has flaked on me time and time again. It was never the same again. Well, after a betrayal like that, how could it be? And although they beg you for a second chance, secretly they lose respect for you for tolerating a betrayal like that...for having such little respect for yourself. Because if the shoes were reversed, would they take US back? Most likely not. Yet, they ask us to tolerate something they themselves wouldn't. Point is, Levi, he has proven to you that he IS capable of betraying you when he *thinks* he's got something better on the line. No amount of words or apologies can change that fact...a very painful fact, I know, but not one you should ever forget or ignore. Yes, you could go back to him, as I did, but I can guarantee that things will NOT be the same. Everytime you look at him, the thought of what he did to you will surface. The trust has been horribly damaged and it will take a lot of time and a lot of work to restore it...if ever. The dynamics in your relationship has changed...possibly for good. And, of course, the fact that you have agreed to take him back after a betrayal of this magnitude sends him a message that you'll tolerate anything. He'll deny this, of course, but you best believe that deep down inside...this WILL be his attitude in the long run. I should had listened to the people here and stayed away from him. I could had been fully healed by now but because of my unwise choice, I sit here this morning in pain. I very much regret going back to him, and good chances are, so will you. Should I give him another chance? No! Save yourself from future pain, Lexi. I speak from experience. I know how painful this is, Lexi....God, do I know. But it's better to deal with the pain now and begin the process of healing than to allow that pain to linger for much longer than it needs to. ((((((Lexi))))) ~T~
sedgwick Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Oh my god Lexi...I've been traveling for the past week and a half and I just got back online and saw this! Please please please don't go back to that racist fat-phobic jerk...oh my god, please! Don't let him do this to you again! Or if you really, really want him back, make sure you see long-term evidence of his having changed -- and not just the kind of change where he won't leave you again, but the kind where he stops making fun of minorities and women and teaching his child to do the same!!!! Good luck to you...
Scorpio13c Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Oh my god Lexi...I've been traveling for the past week and a half and I just got back online and saw this! Please please please don't go back to that racist fat-phobic jerk...oh my god, please! Don't let him do this to you again! Or if you really, really want him back, make sure you see long-term evidence of his having changed -- and not just the kind of change where he won't leave you again, but the kind where he stops making fun of minorities and women and teaching his child to do the same!!!! Good luck to you... Can you stop using the word "Jerk" with respect to men who are on this board? As for the rest of your statement, i don't know if this guy is "Racist","Fat" or "Phobic" but those may be offensive statements to men here as well. Lexi, He doesn't deserve your love & has proven that. Try your best to forget him. All my best to you Scorp
Author lexi29 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 I've been trying to decide what to do. Have talked to him a few times. He says he realises what he gave up and that he was taking me for granted. Says that he didn't see how important I was to him until I wasnt' there anymore. I want to believe him. I want to be able to forgive him, to feel safe with him and to start over and have our relationship be even better than it was before. Something stops me from agreeing to get back with him though- not the list of faults he has but the fact that he didn't feel as strongly about me as he used to and he never let on to me, he was telling me everything was great and that I was what he always wanted. And thats why it was such a shock when he left me. because there was no warning. I think if he'd just been honest and told me his feelings for me were waning and that he had strong feelings for his ex and wanted to be with her then yes, it would have still hurt but I might have been able to forgive him now. But the fact that he acted like everything was all perfect and wonderful and just ripped the rug right out from under me for his own selfish reasons is just too much to forgive right now. I mean I am so happy (yes, I'm evil, I know lol) that it didn't work out between him and her. His "dream girl" , his ex that he loved so dearly years ago turned out to be NOTHING liked he'd remembered and he absolutely couldn't stand her. She never wants to speak to him again and he couldnt' be happier that she's gone. I'm happy that he left her because she was so smug that he left me (his gf of 3 years who he says is 10x better than her) to be with her (and I thought she was my friend meanwhile she was preying on my bf) now she's the one whose crying because she thought he was the answer to her problems and he dumped her because he didn't enjoy being with her. So that part of it makes me feel good. But I just don't think I can take him back. There is just too much damage done.
Author lexi29 Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 Well I'm almost positive I've made up my mind- not going back to my ex. Can't believe I'm saying this because when he left me I was in agony and dreamt of him every night, wanted him back in the worst way. And he's been so different lately, just appologizing for everything, reminding me of the good times etc. Well I saw him last night- went to his place to see him and his son. We were going to talk and watch a movie. I went straight from work and when i got there I asked if I could take a shower (used to do this all the time when we were dating) Well he snapped at me that I couldn't. I asked why and he said because I ASKED if I could and I should have just done so because I know he doesnt' mind and he started bitching about how that was one thing that drove him nuts when we were dating is that I'd always ask him if it was ok to use his shower, to eat his food etc. Well its not MY apartment, he pays the bills so I thought it was right to ask first. Him getting upset about that brought tears to my eyes because I was thinking what an a** criticizing me over something stupid when he should be thanking his lucky stars I'm even speaking to him!! The 2nd thing was we were talking and he was asking me things about guys I've been talking to and he made a comment that he should have hooked up with his next door neighbor (Sarah) instead of his ex (the one he left me for) He said (his ex) was just a big headache and he was so glad she doesnt' talk to him anymore (he broke up wtih her after 3 weeks to be with me again) So basically he wishes he would have left me for his neighbor?? I have no idea if thats what he meant but I didnt' appreciate him saying it. the last thing that bugged me is that I found he was telling HER (the ex he left me for) that he loved her- also was texting "I Love you" to her twice when they were dating (only dating 3 weeks!) the thing is never once since he started telling me he wants me back has he said "I Love you" to me again. He's said he loves me being around, and that his feelings for me now are "stronger than they've been in a long time". So it bugs me that he would tell his ex he loved her (even though they only dated 3 weeks and by week 2.5 he couldnt' stand her) and yet he claims he desperately wants me back but hasn't told me he still loves me etc. yet. So after seeing him last night I really dont have any interest in him. Yay!!
k10k Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 YEY Lexi! Good for you Your ex sounds so selfish and self-absorbed.. he doesn't deserve you x
sedgwick Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I'm sorry, Scorpio -- I didn't realize "jerk" had specific gender connotations! I have certainly described girls as jerks before too, and could give you specific instances when I myself have been one. The reason I referred to him as "racist" and "fat-phobic" is that she previously mentioned instances when he had made fun of minorities and overweight women, even in front of his child. (Note the hyphen between "fat" and "phobic"; I was not calling the man himself "fat." I was referring to his statement about "a fat chick ate Cindy," which she quoted in an earlier post as his reaction to seeing an ex who had gained weight.) What words could I use to describe such behavior that you would find neither gender-specific nor insulting?
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