spookie Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 My goal is to reinstate contact because this silence feels like hate. I do not want to get back together. Please take this as an assumption - it took a while, but I realize he isn't the right person for me. But, we were together for three years, and I want us to be friends. I want to know how his life is going. I want to think of him fondly, not like a mistake I ran from. It's been 6 months of NC now after a painful breakup, and I figure I have two solid strategies for getting back in touch. 1. Run into him accidentally-on-purpose. We go to the same university and I know where and when his classes are, so it shoduln't be hard. Pros: I've been working out every day since we broke up and I look hot and not like the crazy person he remembers at all. He will be able to see that I am not angry at him/seeking revenge/ attempting to reel him back in because face to face interaction is less prone to being misconstrued. The "accidentalness" of the encounter ensures that he doesn't think I was thinking of him. Cons: If I have a whole memorized spiel about wanting to be friends when I see him, he might think I was stalking him. Also, what if he doesn't want to talk to me, or what if we talk and then he still never calls me again? It will hurt 200 times more face to face. 2. Call him up on his bday, which is in December. Pros: This is an unselfish thing to do. If I called him out of the blue, I will, by definition, be seeking attention. If I called him on his bday, it would be to wish him well. It also would make more sense to be thinking of him around that time. Also, waiting for a special event demonstrates an ability to be patient. Cons: I am not good at talking on the phone and some of what I say may be misconstrued. So what should I do? There is, of course, a secret #3: call him later today... but I don't know. This isn't an act of desperation and I don't want it to seem that way, and I fear a call out of the blue screams "pathetic".
birdie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I think you should wait until you are stronger. I know it's a paradox but any emotional upheaval is best left for the time when you don't need support from the other person. you probably won't come across your best
ttree Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Hey, Are you sure you dont want this guy back?? Because you say that you are looking "really hot", if you don't want him back why would this have any bearing on things? Also, if you had a nasty break up why would you want to be friends especially if this guy isnt for you? A partner is afterall a friend we find attractive. Sounds more like you've been going down the gym to "accidentally on purpose" run into him looking hot so that you will get back together or is it so he see you wants you back so you can turn him down? Remember there is a fine line between Love and Hate, and it seems unclear as to which side of the line you want to be on. It just comes across that you're not being honest with yourself I don't know but sounds like your not being entirely honest about the whole thing However assuming you are being honest... I would not accidentally on purpose run into him, after all this time you still know his time table, it will look like you are stalking him, I know I dont remember my ex house number after a few months let alone his college schedule. If you do this it will look staged, and more on purpose than accidental. Go with the birthday thing, but don't call him as this is a bit heavy for first contact, send him a card or a text message to his phone. Keep it simple, "Happy Birthday, from (name)" If you don't want him back don't put love. I used the Birthday card approach 3 weeks ago, it worked, a week later we met up. He will read it if you send it, just deliver it to his door, just dont hand it to him in person.
Author spookie Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 I think you should wait until you are stronger. I know it's a paradox but any emotional upheaval is best left for the time when you don't need support from the other person. you probably won't come across your best You're right. I can't do this now, I'm a mess. Not because of him, but the other parts of my life aren't holding up so well and the truth is I DO need support. I'm going to wait until any contact I give him isn't selfish. Until I have no expectations anymore regarding what I want him to say.
Author spookie Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Hey, Are you sure you dont want this guy back?? Because you say that you are looking "really hot", if you don't want him back why would this have any bearing on things? Also, if you had a nasty break up why would you want to be friends especially if this guy isnt for you? A partner is afterall a friend we find attractive. Sounds more like you've been going down the gym to "accidentally on purpose" run into him looking hot so that you will get back together or is it so he see you wants you back so you can turn him down? Remember there is a fine line between Love and Hate, and it seems unclear as to which side of the line you want to be on. It just comes across that you're not being honest with yourself I don't know but sounds like your not being entirely honest about the whole thing However assuming you are being honest... I would not accidentally on purpose run into him, after all this time you still know his time table, it will look like you are stalking him, I know I dont remember my ex house number after a few months let alone his college schedule. If you do this it will look staged, and more on purpose than accidental. Go with the birthday thing, but don't call him as this is a bit heavy for first contact, send him a card or a text message to his phone. Keep it simple, "Happy Birthday, from (name)" If you don't want him back don't put love. I used the Birthday card approach 3 weeks ago, it worked, a week later we met up. He will read it if you send it, just deliver it to his door, just dont hand it to him in person. I am being honest. I am. He wasn't the right person for me. I know that now, but it took me a long long time to come to that conclusion. Now that I am here, it's unlikely that my mind is going to change. I still remember how crappy being in a relationship with him made me feel. And I make better decisions regarding that nowadays - I really do - just last week I was able to break it off with someone I liked but knew was wrong for me with minimal emotional damage. I just really want to be on speaking terms. That's all. I don't like how this silence feels like hate. I want him to be one of those long term long distance aquaintances... you know the type. The type I'd catch up with if I was ever in the same city. Because I DO like him as a person and he WAS important. I would do the card thing if I knew his address nowadays. He moved after we broke up and I have no idea where. He doesn't get texts on his phone either. So it's either phone call or email, on his birthday (providing I feel strong when his birthday comes).
xsianx Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I think you've still got feelings for this guy and it's pointless to try and deny it and pass it off that you just want to be friends! Why don't you just leave the guy alone to get on with his life? The last thing he may need right now, is an ex resurfacing.....he could even have long moved on and have a new gf! You obviously havn't moved on!! You made a decision to end it, because you say he wasn't the right person for you. Scuse me, but if someone ended it with me and because I wasn't right for them, Id be questioning why and wonder why, they thought my friendship would be right for them? And I probably wouldn't be far wrong in thinking, that it was because they had regrets in dumping me!
ttree Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I am being honest. I am. He wasn't the right person for me. I know that now, but it took me a long long time to come to that conclusion. Now that I am here, it's unlikely that my mind is going to change. I still remember how crappy being in a relationship with him made me feel. Sorry to hark on about this, but you clearly aren't over this guy and want him back. Why else would you break up with a guy you were seeing and then decide to contact your ex. It just sounds like you've suddenly realised that dumping your ex was a bad idea and now you wanyt him back. On a different vein you mention above that being around him made you feel really crappy, why, oh why, would you want to be friends with (or as I suspect date) someone who made you feel like that??!?
Recommended Posts