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should i call him?


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Posted

Help! I've really been getting the itch to call my ex lately....or show up at his door, or something. It's been months since we've even talked so I just keep thinking SURELY he'll be pleased to hear from me by now...or at least maybe not be completely cold...?

 

Ugh.....should I?? I made I rule for myself after we broke up that I absolutely would NOT drive by his house (our old house) and I would NOT call him up only to breath into the phone like some moronic lovesick stalker with no life. Well, a couple of weeks ago, against my better judgement I met a friend for drinks at a place RIGHT across the street from where he lives. You can guess where this is going. A few drinks later and we were running across the street and went right up to my old door. Before I did anything exceptionally stupid my friend dragged me off and that was that. I don't think he even knew we were out there (at least, I hope to god he didn't).

 

So.....that paved the way for breaking rule #1 and I've been making little detours past his house now and then. And tonight I broke rule #2 by finally giving in and calling him (he doesn't have caller ID). It felt insanely good to just hear his voice again. I just sat there frozen until he finally gave up and hung up the phone. Then I burst into tears. I want to talk to him so badly.

 

But I am aware that he DOES have a phone, he has an email account, he has hands, a pen and pocket change......if the first two options fail, he could write me a letter if he wanted to contact me half as badly as I want to contact him.

 

Still.....I can't stand it. Should I call him?? I don't even know what I would say. I miss him like hell and I should really be mad as hell. He tried to come back to me after a very messy break up in which he dumped me and ran out and ****ed our neighbor, after I found out he had been lying to me about many things for some time (so breaking up and acting like a jackass was his solution). He didn't apologize for anything when he tried to come back and, realizing this was just not good enough, I told him I need more time to think and never called him back. I hoped he would maybe call me and apologize for everything....but he hasn't. Now, I fear he has someone new and I'll really be pathetic for calling him.

 

But still......I miss him so much. My birthday is in about a month and I've been sort of holding out hope that he'll contact me then. I mean, his brithday was right after our breakup and I still made a present for him and everything! He HAS to think of me on MINE... :(

 

What if he just thinks I don't want to talk to him? What if he's thinking I'll just bite his head off if he tries to contact me? Should I call him?? I feel like a freaking stalker now....

Posted

Hi i never read any of that but i belive if you want to contact do it, as long as your not expecting a responce, but a letter or email would be better.

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Posted

I've really been wanting to just call him up. I dunno....it's really weird....like, lately the thought of doing so seems so natural that I almost forget for a second that I "can't".

 

I'm just conerned with giving up the tiny scrap of dignity I managed to hang onto in not caling him back.....but it's looking like it's gotta be sanity or dignity because I apparently can't have both.

Posted

You know, the problem with the whole no-contact thing is that we tend to romance these people in our minds. We forget what went wrong, that they hurt or betrayed us, and we stay high on all the "love" chemicals, much longer than we would if we broke up as friends and worked through the break up together.

 

Kitten, the best thing I have done is to contact my ex, keeping hold of all the things I learned though the break up. It demythologized him for me.

 

The thing is, you MUST be clear in your intentions. You can't go into a phone call with some romantic dream that you are going to be a couple again - it must be about you, moving forward, establishing a different relationship with him.

 

If you are not clear and do not have realistic expectations, you can get hurt.

 

That said, this is clearly NOT DONE, as you are still in relationship with this guy. There are only two ways to get complete - one is all by yourself, and the other is with him.

 

If I were you, I would be as honest as possible, first with yourself, and then with him. But BE SELFISH. This is about YOU, not HIM.

 

I am in the middle of this process myself (no contact was a disaster for me, because I forgot entirely that there were REAL reasons it wasnt working - he has some serious problems with adult hood.) - but my new contact with him has dedramatized the relationship, and I am finding myself easily falling out of love with him and finding him -- adorable, sweet, charming - and juvinille, screwed up, idiotic, and awfully cocky for a grown kid with so many issues.

 

So, if you are calling him, and then not talking, and driving by his house. Stop it. Decide what you want to accomplish, and call him. Make a meeting. Tell him that you are having a hard time moving forward, and no contact is not working for you. And accept what he says in response. Either he cares enough about you to help you work it out, or he is a jack ass.... but in the end, I think it might help you to realize he is just a guy, as lost as the rest of us, trying to find happiness - and nothing more.

Posted

thats really well put Kiricat, i wish more people would think like that/ Nowdays people dont care about other people and many are just selfish, but some are hurting and dont know how to handle the pain, so they just shut down and block it out.

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Posted

Kirikat, I understand what you're saying, and I do believe you're right about the whole "mythologizing" him thing...I know I'm doing that at least to some degree. But I feel like being just friends with him (or being around him to any degree) would be having him just out of reach, and therefore more painful than letting him just live on in my mind as a less-than-real person.

 

Still...I just don't know. I'm pretty damn certain he has someone new, but I want to just call him up and pour my heart out to him. Chances are he's totally crazy about her and doesn't care one little bit about me anymore......but maybe it's just a stupid rebound thing. Maybe if I call him up and tell him how much I still love him, he'll realize he still has feelings for me and come back...

 

I don't know what to do. I'm driving myself crazy.

Posted

Hey, you say he wanted to come back to you but did not apologise etc...

and you told him you needed time but never called you etc.

Did he actually want to get back with you a few months ago? Or he simply wanted to re estbalished contact/friendship...?

Posted

Should you call him?

 

No No No No No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!

 

Did i say NO?

 

Yeah. Don't do it. I only texted mine, and look at the whirlwind of thoughts I've been having (i know you're up on my situation as you've replied to my threads)

 

Don't do it. Save yourself the trouble. Honestly. You are worth way more than that.

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Posted
Did he actually want to get back with you a few months ago? Or he simply wanted to re estbalished contact/friendship...?

 

I'm really not sure, actually. He sent me an email telling him to call, after I finally stopped calling him for 2 weeks. So I called and he said he wanted to know why I hadn't been calling. Um....because you said "it's over" a million times the last time we spoke?? I told him "b/c if I have to let go, I have to let go". He said he still cares about me, if I'm alive, etc. and that's why he wanted me to call. I got irritated and said "that's it?? you had me call for that?? next time just assume I'm alive." So then he said "maybe that's not all, I don't know". So I said "then what, you want to be friends? I can't be JUST your friend". So he said "I can't be just friends with the love of my life" and "you said yourself we'd have to take it slow" and then asked me to come visit again for a do-over of the last day I went to visit--which had gone horribly wrong (he invited me there so that I could bring him the present I made him for his b-day and for us to "talk about getting back together"--instead he gleefully took the present, then told me it's still over and kicked me out. I'm not exaggerating, it was that bad. He even went and locked himself in the bedroom, while I stood dumbfounded in the living room until I just left in tears and rage.)

 

So back to the phone converstaion--after inviting me there for a do-over, there was still no apology. I expressed concern over being hurt again and he said, cheerfully, "I don't think that will happen".....still no apology, he said "I love you", I relunctantly said it back, and then we hung up. I wanted to go visit him SO badly, but how could he just not apologize for all of it??? (He ****ed our NEIGHBOR the day after dumping me, for christsake, and then trashed me online.) He sent me a happy little email after the phone call telling me what days he had off work for me to come visit. I decided to call him up and tell him I needed more time to think b/c "there are some things that are concerning me". I was hoping he would say "what are they, would you like to talk about it?" but I couldn't ASK for that. I didn't want to lead the way for him b/c I wanted to know that he truly cares enough to take that initiative. So instead he said "Okie dokie, do what you have to" and that was IT. Never spoke again. He didn't even say "I love you" that last time.

 

I didn't think I would go into that much detail....I think I just need to vent it all out. But that's basically how it went. Rather ambiguously. He only implied that he wanted to rebuild things. Did he just want to see if he could get me one more time to boost his ego?? Was his intent to string me along until the next deal was sealed? Or did I totally blow it by not visiting him and not telling him exactly what I was hoping for?? I was doing better and I'm back to beating myself over the head. I know he's out with that other girl right now and it is KILLING me. He's probably calling her his gf. No! No, no, NO!! I'M HIS GF....this just can't be! :( I wish so much that I had gone to visit. :(

 

I know he sounds horrible in this post....but he wasn't this horrible all the time and that's what makes it so hard. He could be really wonderful and so loving. I wasn't the perfect gf. I was jealous and I struggled with depression. I was trying though and he knew it. I had improved a lot. And he was just sitting there lying to my face about many, many little things. I keep blaming myself for pushing him to do all the things he did to me. The only sense of it I can make is that I must have deserved it. Otherwise, how could he? Why did he? It's killing me that he probably thinks this girl is the moon and the stars and I'm nothing to him now.....good riddance to me.

 

Does a person ever push another person to this point? Or is what he did uncalled for no matter what?

 

Ariawoman....I think you're right, at least for right now. I would just be a blubbering mess. :( PS--thank you for all your support you've given me from the beginning of my tremendouly painful breakup....

Posted

Naaaah! Don't call!

 

What's it gonna getcha!!!?

 

 

Cheers!

Posted
I'm really not sure, actually. He sent me an email telling him to call, after I finally stopped calling him for 2 weeks. So I called and he said he wanted to know why I hadn't been calling. Um....because you said "it's over" a million times the last time we spoke?? I told him "b/c if I have to let go, I have to let go". He said he still cares about me, if I'm alive, etc. and that's why he wanted me to call. I got irritated and said "that's it?? you had me call for that?? next time just assume I'm alive." So then he said "maybe that's not all, I don't know". So I said "then what, you want to be friends? I can't be JUST your friend". So he said "I can't be just friends with the love of my life" and "you said yourself we'd have to take it slow" and then asked me to come visit again for a do-over of the last day I went to visit--which had gone horribly wrong (he invited me there so that I could bring him the present I made him for his b-day and for us to "talk about getting back together"--instead he gleefully took the present, then told me it's still over and kicked me out. I'm not exaggerating, it was that bad. He even went and locked himself in the bedroom, while I stood dumbfounded in the living room until I just left in tears and rage.)

 

So back to the phone converstaion--after inviting me there for a do-over, there was still no apology. I expressed concern over being hurt again and he said, cheerfully, "I don't think that will happen".....still no apology, he said "I love you", I relunctantly said it back, and then we hung up. I wanted to go visit him SO badly, but how could he just not apologize for all of it??? (He ****ed our NEIGHBOR the day after dumping me, for christsake, and then trashed me online.) He sent me a happy little email after the phone call telling me what days he had off work for me to come visit. I decided to call him up and tell him I needed more time to think b/c "there are some things that are concerning me". I was hoping he would say "what are they, would you like to talk about it?" but I couldn't ASK for that. I didn't want to lead the way for him b/c I wanted to know that he truly cares enough to take that initiative. So instead he said "Okie dokie, do what you have to" and that was IT. Never spoke again. He didn't even say "I love you" that last time.

 

I didn't think I would go into that much detail....I think I just need to vent it all out. But that's basically how it went. Rather ambiguously. He only implied that he wanted to rebuild things. Did he just want to see if he could get me one more time to boost his ego?? Was his intent to string me along until the next deal was sealed? Or did I totally blow it by not visiting him and not telling him exactly what I was hoping for?? I was doing better and I'm back to beating myself over the head. I know he's out with that other girl right now and it is KILLING me. He's probably calling her his gf. No! No, no, NO!! I'M HIS GF....this just can't be! :( I wish so much that I had gone to visit. :(

 

I know he sounds horrible in this post....but he wasn't this horrible all the time and that's what makes it so hard. He could be really wonderful and so loving. I wasn't the perfect gf. I was jealous and I struggled with depression. I was trying though and he knew it. I had improved a lot. And he was just sitting there lying to my face about many, many little things. I keep blaming myself for pushing him to do all the things he did to me. The only sense of it I can make is that I must have deserved it. Otherwise, how could he? Why did he? It's killing me that he probably thinks this girl is the moon and the stars and I'm nothing to him now.....good riddance to me.

 

Does a person ever push another person to this point? Or is what he did uncalled for no matter what?

 

Ariawoman....I think you're right, at least for right now. I would just be a blubbering mess. :( PS--thank you for all your support you've given me from the beginning of my tremendouly painful breakup....

 

 

Kitten,

 

just bear in mind that a simple rejection to visit it is not a valid reason to keep somebody that loves you very much away from you.

If he was in love with you he would have pursued and eventually call you back and ask what is going on. reading your story, it seems to me that this guy is a completely jerk and immature and has not romantic involvment with you. I am sorry to say this because I know it is going to hurt you but I am giving my opinion. It is only my opinion from a male perspective.

That being said, I think you should follow your heart and do what you think it is right. It is clear you want to contact this guy, and I am sure you will. But as somebody has said earlier, before you lift that phone just be prepared for a rejection from his side. If you don't and it happens, after hanging up the phone you will be even more in pain than you are right now.

I wish you good luck.

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Posted
just bear in mind that a simple rejection to visit it is not a valid reason to keep somebody that loves you very much away from you.

If he was in love with you he would have pursued and eventually call you back and ask what is going on. reading your story, it seems to me that this guy is a completely jerk and immature and has not romantic involvment with you.

 

I thought so too. And that's exactly what I wanted. After I decided not to call him back the last time, I kept hoping he would wonder what happened to me and call me with the apology I needed to hear. But instead he found someone new.

 

It actually feels very good to hear from a male perspective that he is a jerk. I think on some level, I feel like any guy is capable of this and this is "how guys are". So I'm glad there are guys who can disprove this silly notion....thank you....

Posted

Its only worth getting in touch if you can do it with no need, and at this point there is. no need is cool, as you would have moved on in yourself, and perhaps can start a friendship, but your not thre, and to be honest this guy dont sound worth the agg.

Posted

(he invited me there so that I could bring him the present I made him for his b-day and for us to "talk about getting back together"--instead he gleefully took the present, then told me it's still over and kicked me out. I'm not exaggerating, it was that bad. He even went and locked himself in the bedroom

 

 

How could he do that???omg....thats horrid

 

stop blaming yourself.....one thing I have realised about men is that it doesnt matter if they were loving/wonderful...What i mean is he will probably be that way to the next girl......your future partners will be loving as well and wonderful....there is nothing irreplacable about him even though it may feel that way now. It may feel as if no one will ever give you the type of love he gave you etc...but love comes in different forms....I know how it feels to be very comforable with a particular man and not want anyone else except him cos you think no one can be just like him....not true...you will find someone who will give you more than he gave you...

 

Its easy to blame yourself, but sometimes its takes bad times to bring out the true colours of a person. You simply have not seen this side to him before, thats why you wonder if you pushed him to do this.....

 

Is he definitely seeing someone else? If he is seeing someone, i dont think you should call him...

 

In all honesty you guys may get back later in the future..its possible..its happened to people i know in the past..but this was after some time.

 

Wait till your birthday..if he does not contact you, that says something. Dont contact him please..let him contact you on your birthday. If he does not..you know what that means....

 

Its hard but seat on your hands....how long have you 2 been apart?

 

ps- Try to move on...hugs..I know its hard but can you just try and forget about him for now...keep busy, the usual...

 

Whatever you do pls dont contact him...wait till your birthday fif he doesnt contact you, he is not worth it!!

 

keep posting..xxxxx

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Posted

Hi ninjaturtles, thank you. Yes, I thought it was pretty horrible too and I do believe that's the most despicable he's ever been. Visibly, anyway. He even asked why there was no card attached (...b/c hallmark doesn't make cards for skanky dishonest bastards?). I was also able to see that day JUST how manipulative he can be b/c he twsited so much stuff around, and blantantly so......it was really unbelievable.

 

You simply have not seen this side to him before, thats why you wonder if you pushed him to do this.....

 

He had been pretty sh*tty to me on other occasions before this, but I still believed then that he was an extremely good person who had just been pushed to the brink. It wasn't until a couple of months before this last break up that I began to realize he was very manipulative and started suspecting him of lying. Then I realized HOW much he lies about even the smallest of things and I realized just how horrible, callous, vengeful, and heartless he really CAN be....mostly after we broke up. So you're right, I'm not accustomed to this person yet and I still have the 'good version' of him burned into my mind after believing in it for all those years. I try to go back in my mind and view him in the past through the lense I am forced to see him through now.....but I still end up blaming myself. I still think that he wouldn't have "turned into" this person if I hadn't been the insecure, depressed person I was too often.

 

I dunno....I've been sitting around talking to my mom and maybe her and everyone else are right.....when it comes down to it, he's just lacking in character and integrity.

 

In all honesty you guys may get back later in the future..its possible..its happened to people i know in the past..but this was after some time.

 

I've had this same thought (hope?)....and now I'm starting to rethink. I'm sure this good sense will be fleeting, but for right now....I don't know.....I just feel like he didn't love me the same way I loved him. He couldn't have....b/c if he loved me the way I loved him, he never would have dumped me the first time. He would have done whatever it took to make things work out, just like I had been doing. He wouldn't be able to move on so quickly. I think about so many times he clearly didn't care about my feelings. I don't think he has any idea, still, how much I truly do love him....on a level I can't even comprehend. I want someone who truly loves me back that same way.

 

Not only that, but so much has happened. There is some other girl in MY (ok, fine...HIS) apartment right now, probably having sex with him as we speak. He's already f*cked our neighbor. I can't ever be in his arms again and not think about how he once had his arms wrapped around this gf......when there was no break in my affection and longing for him. How can I kiss him without thinking about where his mouth has been? How can I not wonder if she'll come back around? No one, NO ONE has hurt me the way he has hurt me....and he didn't even care. Not even when I told him. And...WILL he cheat?? Too much has happened. It will never, ever be the same. This is really quite devastating to realize.

 

I dunno....like I said....all this good sense will probably just fall right out of my brain in a few minutes....

  • Author
Posted
Its only worth getting in touch if you can do it with no need, and at this point there is. no need is cool, as you would have moved on in yourself, and perhaps can start a friendship, but your not thre, and to be honest this guy dont sound worth the agg.

 

Thanks, Funk....I think this is what I need to hear right now (that he's not worth it). And I think the 'itch to call' has pretty much been replaced now by a very deep sadness.

 

I still miss him though. This sucks. :(

Posted
Thanks, Funk....I think this is what I need to hear right now (that he's not worth it). And I think the 'itch to call' has pretty much been replaced now by a very deep sadness.

 

I still miss him though. This sucks. :(

 

 

The sadness is there cos your not gonna call him, thats replaced the exitment, but dont worry, its normal, feel it, understand it, and look to your self to get the strenth to move forward, but its ok to feel sad or anything, only an emotion that will pass.

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