Spinderella Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Thanks Spind, I must have missed reading this You are right of course about contact when angry - sometimes it takes hearing someone else say it to realise you knew it all along. Questions will keep coming, primarily because I can't understand why this has happened and how she can move on. You are right, one will always take the place of any answered. Sorry I made you cry! There were some lovely posts on your thread Thank you for the hug too! Thats why I always state the obvious I know, I feel very lucky with my thread and all the lovely posts on it. As for crying, well after Jminas post, every kind word was setting me off, but theres nothing to be sorry for, I needed it. Its difficult and confusing when someones feelings change, especially when yours have not, and when there was no indication of it before.
Author MattyTee Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Tell me about it! I'm still wrestling with what to do. The 'holding on' part wants to keep in contact as a friend but the stronger part of me wants to walk away and just say I deserve more. Hope you are feeling a bit better today Spind. *hands tissues to Spind*
Spinderella Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Tell me about it! I'm still wrestling with what to do. The 'holding on' part wants to keep in contact as a friend but the stronger part of me wants to walk away and just say I deserve more. Hope you are feeling a bit better today Spind. *hands tissues to Spind* I am okay today thankyou *declines tissues* It depends on what you feel you can offer each other as friendship at this point. If you feel that it would only be a way of holding on, then my opinion is that you are not ready. That is not to say you wont be ready at a later date though. Perhaps take it in stages, and take another month of nc to see where you are at.
myhotrod123456789 Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I haven't read through everything, but the one piece of advice that I can give you is about the depression. I know you can't control the thoughts, but you need to try to control your behavior. It is a really terrible idea to just sit around and allow yourself to get stuck in those trances where you start thinking of her and other thoughts that bring you down. You should practice catching yourself when you start thinking about that and then try to do something active. Call up a friend or walk to a store or anything. Sitting alone in a room will make you feel lonely and isolated.
Author MattyTee Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Hey hotrod, Yeah I know. I've been spending a lot of time out walking. I always write in a cafe or sit reading in a bookstore, just to get out. Every time I get a thought popping in I take a deep breath and try and let it go. Still, it's up and down, sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. Appreciate the advice though Spind - glad to hear you are feeling better today. I can't lie, if I stay with her as friends then I am going to be hoping that things could progress. I honestly don't know whether I'll ever feel any different. As I mentioned she said to me the only way things could work for us again would be as friends first - she said she'd have to fall in love with me all over again. She did say this three times so I don't know whether it's because somewhere within she wants it or whether subconciously I'm being kept on a string in case nothing else works out. I certainly do deserve better than that! She was never like that before, but who knows now eh...
Spinderella Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 It sounds as though she is being truthful as far as she can be. She has not promised anything, but said only that from where you both stand, there is no chance. If there were to be a chance, it would require her to fall in love with you again. Thats not a promise, though, but something that would need to naturally happen. It would be difficult to do, without having a motive in mind, and with a motive, natural friendship is difficult. I dont know either..
ninjaturtles Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I hope i dont sound silly but it brings tears to my eyes when i think of the type of love you have for this woman. Never knew men could love this way till i came on LS.. I hope i find true love, I hope i find someone who loves me the way you love your ex. wow. I never even knew men actually cried till i got on LS. Anyway, keep keeping busy,, NC..the regulars..... *hugs*
Author MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Thanks ninja, it doesn't sound silly. I am starting to feel like a doormat though. She's still very angry with me and I need some closure. I can't keep having my heart broken over and over. I'm angry today, I deserve better than this, better than I am being treated. The irony is, she just doesn't love me any more. I sometimes wish I didn't love her the way I do.
Author MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 It sounds as though she is being truthful as far as she can be. She has not promised anything, but said only that from where you both stand, there is no chance. If there were to be a chance, it would require her to fall in love with you again. Thats not a promise, though, but something that would need to naturally happen. It would be difficult to do, without having a motive in mind, and with a motive, natural friendship is difficult. I dont know either.. I know Spind I have to walk away. I'm convinced she is the one for me, I made my choice. At this moment I don't want to be with anyone else and I can't see that changing. I need to look after myself though and stop pulling myself closer to this endless heartbreak. I will tell her this weekend that I need to walk away. The worst thing is that I don't think she cares. I'm going to be a mess again this week
Author MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Thanks for the hugs Spind, I can really use those right now. I'm not entirely sure what is making her so angry with me. I tend to blame myself for everything and I'm starting to feel that is unfair. I think there are many aspects of our break-up. - She is younger than me and perhaps she felt she needed to see 'what else is out there' as quite a few people have posted here. - We had a long-distance relationship over 8 years (with about 3 living together). I know it upset her that I never just moved out to live with her (even though I kept saying I would). It's a long story explaining that too - Neither of us would communicate well with the other. It led to more arguments over time I guess. And there are aspects of my relationship that I'm ashamed of or find it hard to admit: - I had a lot of issues from childhood which made me absolutely terrified of her running of with another man. I'm not using that as an excuse, I'm certain that I was emotionally abusive to her and I take full responsibility. I would get very jealous and she felt controlled. She felt I wanted to own her mind. - Her Dad was never there for her. She had very little interaction with him and more recently the family found out he had been cheating on her mum. She never seemed to get emotional about this even though she said she was angry with her Dad. However I did notice a change in the way she treated me during that time. Two days before she broke up with me she found out her Dad is re-marrying (she found out by accident through her sister). - She was very dependent on me when she came to live with me because a) she was younger and hadn't learn to become fully independent; b) she had no friends here; c) she didn't have anything to do. I always blamed myself for that, but being fair she could have sort out those things herself - She was always very shy. She felt unable to talk to people or make new friends. I think my jealousy would have made her feel trapped in that too. - Both of us had mild depression. I'm sure there are a lot more reasons too. I've focused on the negative there but there were lots of positives too. She doesn't seem to see those any more. She seems to have a lot of anger directed at me. She feels I am trying to be emotionally manipulative if I ask her to talk with me. She talks to me like I'm really worth very little. I am taking steps to better myself. I'm seeing a counselor about my control and jealousy issues (and childhood stuff). I'm reading a lot, I'm learning to communicate. But I guess this is all too late for her. So far she has said to me things like: "I've been going through a lot of stuff from the relationship and looking back I can't see why I was with you that long. It's very hard for me to think about wanting to be with you right now" "The good times were actually very short" "Most of the relationship wasn't good for me" She has not once talked about any aspect of herself that might have caused problems. It's all me. Sorry to ramble on I'm venting. It's important to me to stand up and accept that I wasn't good for her in some aspects. I love her deeply but I realise I was a bad partner. *sigh* I feel miserable, sorry this probably all sounds very self-pitying. I believe she's going out now to hang out with the 'other' guy. She told me that on the dating site she got a lot of attention but the only 'boy' she liked was the one in a long term relationship looking for friends. I'm at work and I want to cry Damn, sorry Spindy that was a long reply :/
ninjaturtles Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 She has not once talked about any aspect of herself that might have caused problems. It's all me. Sorry to ramble on I'm venting. It's important to me to stand up and accept that I wasn't good for her in some aspects. I love her deeply but I realise I was a bad partner. *sigh* I feel miserable, sorry this probably all sounds very self-pitying. No you dont sound self-pitying. Dont be so hard on yourself..its easy for her to dwell on the negative parts of the relationship, now that she is out of it and had her feelings diverted somewhere else. nevertheless the truth is no one ie perfect. 1- It is definitely not all you..if she implies/says so it simply shows her selfish traits. Its easy to blame yourself when your dumped...in reality both parties had thier good and bad parts in the relationshi. Now you are missing her etc, its normal for you to 'idolise' her, and see only the fault in yourself...Im pretty sure it was not as bad as you say and im sure she knew you LOVED her. I havent read all of your threads etc, some of them not all, but from the little iv read these things could have been worked on..if she was willing to stick with you. Please dont be so hard on yourself...its very unkind to put all the blame on one party when a relationship fails..afterall she had her own faults..why arent YOU dwelling on them? --->Cos you are still in love with her.....She on the other hand is not in love with you anymore so its easier for her to dwell on the negative and perhaps exxagerate them. No one is perfect...yes you did have your faults but who doesnt? That doesnt make you a bad partner.. If you physically abused her by hitting her constantly etc, then you could say you were a bad partner. Im a lady myself...its easy for women to exaggerate the faults of thier partner especially when they dont love the ex anymore..its very easy but dont fall for it all..she was not perfect, you were not perfect..love is about working through imperfections,(or so they say). Sometimes, women exaggerate faults so they look back and justify thier actions etc. I dont know why hates you...surely you were not evil... Hugs once again...xxx
hopeforlove243 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Matty, Hugs for you. Walking away is the right decision, I wish I could be like you since our situation is very similar, yet, I feel so low right now, I feel like calling him, I wish I could walk away with my head up.
ninjaturtles Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 She was always very shy. She felt unable to talk to people or make new friends. I think my jealousy would have made her feel trapped in that too. Why would your jealousy make her feel trapped in her shyness? Did u prevent her from meeting people or going out with friends? Did you do anything extreme or out of the ordinary? Did you allow her keep friends? Did you prevent her from talking on the phone to other people?
Author MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Thanks for the hugs folks, it means a lot! I see what you are saying Ninja. I don't blame myself 100% - but I think a good portion falls on my shoulders. I am completely in love with her and that hasn't changed. In fact it's grown deeper, I am seeing the bad parts, I'm seeing the humanity in her and I love her even more for it. She's perfectly imperfect. I know I sound like I'm putting her up on a pedestal but I don't feel that way. The hardest thing for me is that she says she doesn't love me any more. I am probably in denial but I don't know if I believe her. There is nothing I can do though. As for the jealousy, yeah there were aspects that were out of the ordinary. I read the book No More Mr Nice Guy and saw a lot of myself in there. As hard as it is to admit I'm sure that I was emotionally abusive to her. I hate that about myself and it's been the hardest thing to try and forgive (I'm not there yet). I never called her names or anything like that but I there were negative patterns. I'm not sure how I feel about sharing them in an open forum, I feel ashamed about it. If you want to you can PM me and I will tell you. She never really had any friends and the few friends of hers I met she never kept in contact with. I even tried my best to help her make friends when she moved in with me but she resisted. It's so hard when there is a lot of anger. I guess it's better than nothing, because I believe it means she still cares about me - I know that sounds odd
Author MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Matty, Hugs for you. Walking away is the right decision, I wish I could be like you since our situation is very similar, yet, I feel so low right now, I feel like calling him, I wish I could walk away with my head up. I'm so scared Hope. I'm terrified of walking away because it means really letting go. I will always love her, even if I never see her again. I'll pray for her and I always be there for her if she is desperate and needs me. I promised my partnership to this woman and that promise stands for me. Now is time for me to look after myself and get happy. I feel like I'm right back at day 1 though and having to walk away from her. It brings back memories of seeing her disappear through security at the airport, every time she left me to go home. Deep in my heart I hope that she will contact me again one day. Perhaps in a year, perhaps 5, perhaps 10. It might be never... Sorry for being such a mooch today - It's a toughie! I don't think I was evil Ninja, but who knows. I hope that she still loves me.
hopeforlove243 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Hi Matty, we are all scared, I can totally relate to you, ya, walk away means letting her go, but if there is no hope for two of you right now, that would be the right thing to do, we will never get over them if we don't let them go. Ya, I understand the felling of you are back to day 1, it is hard, it is tough, but do we have other option? We can't control our ex, we can't make them love us like we love them, we can only control ourselves. Take it one day at a time, that is what I tell myself. More hugs for you.
Author MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Thanks again Hope You are right, one day at a time. I'm just having one of those bad days today. I can sympathise with Carrot, I'm having to work and it's difficult keeping that facade up. I don't know if I'll ever get over her to be honest. I'd sort of settled myself to being the male equivalent of the 'crazy cat lady'. I know everyone will just say I'm in denial but I my life with her and I made that promise. The hardest thing is accepting that if it is 'meant to be' then I have to 'leave it the bloody hell alone' right now I do wonder if I never contact her again whether I will hear from her. Right now, I feel no and that hurtsis precious. Hope you are okay Hope, thanks for being so supportive.
Spinderella Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Matt, you made mistakes. But nobody is to blame. You are recognising those mistakes and working on fixing them. That is the gift you can take from this. If you view things that happen as a gift, then you can live your life and become the best person you can be. Maybe those mistakes were the reason that she no longer wanted to be with you. I know what mistakes of mine led to people not wanting to be with me, some I have changed, and not repeated in subsequent relationships, and some went deeper, and I am still working on them. You can see what needs fixing in you, without blaming yourself.
Author MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Thanks Spindy, You are right (of course!), I just don't feel able to see that every day. I miss her this evening, I'm at work and she always used to come up and see me in my office on Saturday nights. I just hoped that I'd be able to share this learning, this gift, with her...
hopeforlove243 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Only time will tell if you will ever get over her, if she will ever contact you. We don't know, we just need to do whatever it takes to take care of ourselves at this time. It is always easy to say then do. I can tell you what to do, yet I myself still struggles everyday, at least we get support from others on LS, knowing that you are not the only one going through the pain, and if others can do it, you can do it too. Tomorrow will be another day.
Spinderella Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Maybe you can, but maybe not in the way that you thought.
Author MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Hope - I know, it's time and that's hard And there have been days when I've felt much stronger and know what the right thing to do is. There are days like today when I've emailed her to ask if we can talk and I get an email back laying into me about how I'm trying to manipulate her emotionally. Spindy - Yeah ... I was looking over my blog today and just saw the progression. A week ago I was much happier and stronger. All my posts lately have been much sadder...
Spinderella Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 There are days like today when I've emailed her to ask if we can talk and I get an email back laying into me about how I'm trying to manipulate her emotionally. I know you said she is younger. How old is she? Is this her first relationship? I was looking over my blog today and just saw the progression. A week ago I was much happier and stronger. All my posts lately have been much sadder... You mean since you contacted her?
hopeforlove243 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 It is ok we have bad days, don't feel bad about that. Weekend is always the toughest for me. I do feel that your contact with her has a big impact on you, I guess that helps me control myself not to contact my ex. But, I think if you feel like talking to her, telling her that you are walking away, then do it. Take that as the closure for you. You will get through this, we all will. hang in there. Hugs.
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