MattyTee Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Well, I broke no-contact today *waits appropriate amount of time for head-slapping to finish*. I've had an emotional few days to be honest. I was put on a very low dose anti-depressant recently after my doctor decided I had clinical depression. I'm reluctant to use drugs but I was unable to sleep so I felt I needed something to help. I'm working with a therapist every week to try and beat this. I came off the anti-depressants a few days ago and since then have been sleeping badly again and feeling very emotional. Yesterday was a bad day for me. I had a party in the evening and people kept mentioning my ex and the things that she liked. I left in the end and came home to write my journal. Today was no better really, I slept in and found it hard to get up. I spent some time in the evening reading (The Zahir) and then writing some more journal entries. I've also been keeping a blog up to date - sort of a condensed version of my journal. I got home tonight and just felt sad. You know those moments when all you can do is stare, not even tears will come? Well that was me. I kept thinking to this guy that my ex has met on a dating site and well, we know what's going on there then. I cried a little but then decided I needed to do this for my own sense of well being. I knew I wasn't ready (one month NC) and that I would likely hurt myself in the process. I talked to her tonight on MSN for maybe 3 hours. She said some things that really hurt but I didn't cry. She talked with me about this guy she likes and she was finding it hard because he has a girlfriend. I mean looking back now, I was with this woman for 8 years and now she's talking to me about a guy she likes! I felt angry of course, but I just felt it, I let it come to me and strangely it left too. She said she was scared. She realised she was afraid to be alone. She has few friends and her family have spread out. She's feeling very alone. We spoke candidly about a lot of stuff. She felt more comfortable if she was able to be a bit jokey and that was fine by me. She made it clear that the only way she could be with me again is if she built up trust in me. She said we would need to start as friends and see what happened. She isn't sure she loves me any more and she isn't sure she wants things to work out. She might be in love with this new guy, she might not. She wants to be friends with me but she said that that could only happen if I can accept she might be with someone else. These all sound like very unreasonable demands. But I started to realise something. I really do love her ... I know that sounds crazy after 8 years. But in a way that was the one thing that enabled me to sit there talking with her about this stuff. I realised that no matter what I might want that I actually loved her, without conditions and without needs. I didn't even need to hear that she loved me back ... it surprised me. I don't know now whether I'm strong enough to be her friend through her seeing someone else. I know all of the advice here would say "GET THE FU** OUT OF THERE". I do need to protect myself but I also found this strange peace. I had said what I needed to and she had said what she needed to. So, now I said I would take some time and see how things were. I said that I would always love her (she disagreed with me on this and said I couldn't know that, but I do) and that it might mean that I would love her from afar and not be her friend. I know I'll probably get some 'hits' for this one. I'm open to any and all comments I feel strangely at peace with myself now. I am going to spend some time with myself to work out how I feel. I do know one thing, I grew up a lot tonight For anyone that is interested - there are a few people I feel I've connected with here - I do write a blog which is mostly about this. At first I wrote it just for me, my therapist and my brother but I feel I am learning and if anyone is interested I would be more than happy to give them the address. I must warn you it is a little bit poetic and crazy Keep your heads up LSers ... you are a good bunch!
wowIlose Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Matty, it sounds like you really love her. I am worried though that being her friend right now is going to hurt you in the long run, even if it brings you some sort of peace right now. The only thing that seems to help me is keeping my thoughts off the past, this means minimal to no contact with the EX. I think if you stick around you're going to slow your personal growth and stop yourself from meeting new people or shoot down possible chances at a new relationship because of your fixation on your EX. I might be wrong but thats my opinion. I really feel for you though. I can only imagine the pain your going through. You will get through this though.
Author MattyTee Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Hey wow, Thanks for the message man. Yeah I do really love her. It would be a whole lot easier if I didn't *grin*. I've actually grown a lot over the past 3 months - more than I ever thought I would. I understand what you mean about a sort of fixation with her, it's not a healthy thing. It's hard right now, the conversation is fresh in my mind and I don't know what to make of it. My first response was "You know what I actually feel tough enough now to take whatever comes". I still haven't cried about it. I feel a weird sense of peace within myself - not anything to do with her or our relationship. I think this is a lesson that I've been needing to learn. I was always very possessive of her in our relationship. I was desperately scared she would run off with someone else and never really gave her the trust she deserved. I made my mistakes and I am learning from them now. It might be that I only ever get to practice my new found knowledge with someone else - I know that now It might be that given time things could work out with us. I really don't know. It's not like I believe we will be together any more. I just don't remove it as a possibility. She said to me that she would need to fall in love with me again if something were to work in the future and she said for that we would need to be friends first. She said we started as friends so why not be friends now. I don't want to feel like some back up plan but in the end that's up to me, not her. I can't control her feelings or actions, only my own. I chose that I would live with honour and love. If I meet someone new and feel love then I would accept that. If she meets someone new and feels love then I have to learn to accept that. My lesson here is that she doesn't belong to me, she needs to feel free. This feels like part of my personal growth. I know I sound crazy
Author MattyTee Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Maybe I should elaborate a bit more. She is my first partner who I met at the age of 21 and was with for 8 years. I was a sappy romantic fool and believed I would always meet the right person so I never pursued any relationships before her. I'm not ugly or weird, I had offers and people liked me but I never felt a spark of love. She is my first love and I know in my heart that I will always love her. However, due to a rocky first few years of childhood I was terrified of being abandoned. I had some very unfair behaviours in our relationship and she felt controlled and I guess she felt she couldn't be herself. Regardless of whether I am with her again I need to address those issues now. Not for her, for me. I am doing so - I've been going to therapy now for 2 months or so. This is all a learning experience for me. I'm learning that love isn't about ownership or 'having' someone. It's not about control but about freedom. She was unhappy and so she left. It hurt like hell (still does) but was probably the best thing that's happened to me (other than meeting her). I have to choose now whether I embrace this as another opportunity to learn and grow. To love her but accept that I am not with her. Moving on to someone new will do me no good, because the same patterns will appear again and again. Sorry if none of this makes sense, I'm tired - been up all night
Spinderella Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 You dont sound crazy at all. You sound perfectly sane. It sounds as though when you accepted and felt at peace, you let go of any ego attachments to her, and real unconditional love shone through, which made you feel capable of being her friend regardless of outcome. Nurture this.
Author MattyTee Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Thanks Spind, it's not easy and I'm crying now - have been for an hour or so. I'm only human after all
wowIlose Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Well I think its great if you feel you can really be her friend but I think during this time you should try going out on a few dates and meet other women. Give yourself a chance to think about someone or something else as much as you think about your EX. I also don't think your crazy. I was with my first love for 4 years before she ended it and I thought I would die and sometimes still feel that way since our break up. You do sound like your starting to come to terms with many of these things. Which sounds like you might be moving into the acceptance stage of the grieving process. This is good
Spinderella Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Thanks Spind, it's not easy and I'm crying now - have been for an hour or so. I'm only human after all The point is that you are being honest with yourself about your feelings, and not being afraid of looking within, so whatever you decide to do, you will be coming from an honest place. It doesnt make you immune from feelings, but, makes you strong and wise enough to accept them.
Author MattyTee Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Thanks folks I told her that I needed time to see whether I could be her friend as she is asking. I've moved and changed a lot from where I was at a few months ago and when I talk to her I'm not sure she has. It might mean that I've outgrown her in a relationship sense, I'm still working out how I feel about it. It is me time now. I've been trying to put the focus there but I am aware of the pitfalls and that I might be making any healing that needs to be done hard or impossible. I'm really not sure that I'm ready for a relationship yet - with her or anyone - but if I meet someone I like I will pursue a friendship and see how it goes. I'm not going to sit around waiting for her to come around. I realise my value now and I have a lot going for me. Take it easy
Author MattyTee Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 In case anyone is interested http://www.m-taylor.com/blog - you can chart my progress or lack of
cant let go Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Matty, I just joined last night but I wanted to let you know that your story has given me strength. It is calming to know that I am not alone in the way I feel. I have many friends and family that have been helping me through this but to share with others who feel the same pain as I do is helping me so much. Thank you.
Author MattyTee Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Heya, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this as well. I know exactly how you feel about sharing, it makes you feel less alone in your grief. I too have a wonderful support from family and friends but in a way I always feel a distance from them - even though many have gone through the same thing at some point. I'm glad that you've found that connection and I'm glad that you have found some strength, keep posting
Spinderella Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Matty Tee, I read a bit of your blog, and I really like the way you write. But I am interested in The Zahir, I loved The Alchemist when I first read it years ago. So, is it good?
Author MattyTee Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Hey Spind, I was just reading your post about breaking contact. I really feel for you, I would post but Jmina's post was pretty amazing and I can't say anything more really I too started with The Alchemist many years back and loved it. I picked up The Zahir after visiting another support forum a little while back. In fact it was after reading No More Nice Guy and I needed to look for a support group - I couldn't find one locally so went online. There was an advice section and it just said everyone should read that book. It's about love, obsession, passion and our personal journey through life. Without trying to be too soppy I have never been touched by a book in that way. I finished it just a few days ago and literally cried for 3 hours!! But it was in a good way, a sort of release I picked mine up second hand so it didn't even cost much! It might be just that I felt the story was so like mine or spoke to me because of that - but it's a beautiful book, please do read I went out last night and bought two more of his books I'm glad you liked my blog I was unsure about telling anyone else about it. I did it for me because as I wrote I started dealing with the emotions and feelings that were coming up. It has been very therapeutic for me. Please do keep reading if you like *hugs* Look after yourself Spind.
Author MattyTee Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Damn! I want to get back in contact now. I'm feeling angry with her for the things she said the other day and I need to vent ... *needin' hugs*
Spinderella Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Matty, I was meant to reply to the earlier post, but, it made me cry before along with all the posts on my own thread , and I had to get myself together . Vent, vent away. I think its probably not a good idea to contact while you are feeling angry. Contact seems to throw up so many things, and I think there will always be something, even something you had never considered before that you will begin to obsess about afterwards. What happens when you get an answer to whatever question is most pressing today? Something he/she says will create another question tommorrow. When you reach that point, sometimes it is best to say, ok, this isnt going to get me anywhere, but the same place.
Surfer Girl Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Being in contact may at first feel good and peaceful but as time goes on.... It becomes an open wound wanting more... I too broke NC and I am hurting right now.... thinking of last weekend and back to where I did not want to be... Emotional.... At the time it felt good... but right now... it doesn't... It just makes more questions with no answers.... I feel for you....
Author MattyTee Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Thank you for your post You are right, at first it felt better but in the long run it's not going to help me move on. I really was starting to feel like I was strong enough to just be there for her. The truth is even if she is with another man, I still love her...
Surfer Girl Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I think the fact there was contact is to let them know we still care, want them.... Perhaps we compromise ourselves to the point that we will accept whatever the circumstances are... yet, we have to have some self respect to realize the reality of the situation.... And if they really wanted us they would be with us.... So not the case...
Author MattyTee Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 That's true Surfer It's a hard reality to come to though.
hopeforlove243 Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Matty, I think you have to think carefully about this 'friend' thing, you need to make sure that you will be ok, and not be jealous if you know she is seeing someone else. I found that is so hard for me, it hurts me more than anything, that is why I told my ex-bf I can't be friend with him. He wants us to be friends, he wants to take a dancing class together, he even said maybe it will spark into something, but, knowing that he is also dating other woman(he insists that they are just friends), I know I can't handle it. So, think twice before you say anything to your ex. And hugs... i need that too, it is my ex's b-day tomorrow, I am freaking out now.
Author MattyTee Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 Thanks for the hugs *hugs back* I agree hope, I'm not sure that I'll be okay with it. I'm still considering
Author MattyTee Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 Matty, I was meant to reply to the earlier post, but, it made me cry before along with all the posts on my own thread , and I had to get myself together . Vent, vent away. I think its probably not a good idea to contact while you are feeling angry. Contact seems to throw up so many things, and I think there will always be something, even something you had never considered before that you will begin to obsess about afterwards. What happens when you get an answer to whatever question is most pressing today? Something he/she says will create another question tommorrow. When you reach that point, sometimes it is best to say, ok, this isnt going to get me anywhere, but the same place. Thanks Spind, I must have missed reading this You are right of course about contact when angry - sometimes it takes hearing someone else say it to realise you knew it all along. Questions will keep coming, primarily because I can't understand why this has happened and how she can move on. You are right, one will always take the place of any answered. Sorry I made you cry! There were some lovely posts on your thread Thank you for the hug too!
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