cookiecat Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 sorry guys, i just gotta vent a little. i know i'm being a little bit childish, but i'm feeling so freaking crappy right now. my story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134027/ with some side notes here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134128/ i think the hardest part of this whole thing is feeling so easily forgotten after four years of being together. i feel kind of sheepish and childish feeling that way. but dammit, it sucks. we've been in LC recently, after 2 months of no contact, but it's just not going anywhere it seems. it's only been for a couple weeks, so maybe i'm being impatient. i'm just not getting any signs from him whatsoever that it's going anywhere (and by 'anywhere', i mean addressing the fact that i wanted to talk about us maybe working things out - which he said he was open to discussing), although the thing that works very much against me is that he's not a particularly expressive/emotionally forward person anyway. so it's just driving me nuts. and i'm really not holding my breath for him to come have that 'talk' with me, which he said he'd be open to eventually. yeah right. anyways, whatever. what's up with people that can just detach so easily? that's got to be one of the top five questions on LS. i mean okay, i can understand being fed up with an annoying situation to the point of wanting to detach for a few weeks after the breakup, but don't you have to always work through your feelings eventually? and why can't he just discuss our breakup with me, just once? i asked him about it when we first made contact again a couple weeks ago, and haven't brought it up again since. i'm being quite chill about it. sure, he doesn't owe me anything. but isn't he curious at least, after being with me for so long, before throwing it all away? i mean geez, he was getting super jealous about me and other guys (even though i've never even thought about cheating on him before) just a few weeks before he dumped me! obviously he still had some feelings for me when we broke up. it didn't seem as though he was 'checked out' by the time it ended. it makes it so hard to cope sometimes, this feeling of being thrown away. i know time will take it's course with me eventually. ugh anyways, just whining i guess...
kittensmittens Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Cookie, I'm right there with you. It's 3 months later and every single day, about a zillion times, I ask....how? How how HOW?? I keep seeing little clues (myspace, etc.) that he's seeing someone new...and they started 2 weeks after he told me I'm the "love of his life". Indeed. We had been together for 4 years as well, so I can really relate. I've been in NC for about 2 1/2 mos. and I keep wanting to call him up, just to say hello at the very least....after all, it's ME....how can he not be missing me by now? How can he not be wondering about me? 4 years?? I'm the one constant he had in his life. Surely he can't have moved on already?!? Each and every day without him is so difficult....it's like a really bad vacation and I just want to go home already. Except it's not and I can't. I can't deal with the indefinite. Waiting and waiting....not even knowing if I'm waiting for anything at all.... I don't know how you can share a connection with someone, plan on sharing your life with them, and they can just throw you away. I don't get it either.
Author cookiecat Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 thanks for sharing your story with me. i can totally relate to the feelings of... hey.. it's ME... how can i now not be a part of his life anymore? sometimes it still feels so foreign. or just so.. wrong... and yes, i don't know what i'm waiting for either. well okay, i do.. i'm waiting for him to come around. but god, what an unhealthy, futile thing to do. it's so frustrating, how little control i have over my thoughts. it's amazing to hear that other people are really, truly going through the same painful ordeal as i am. not that i ever seriously doubted that, logically. but coming from an emotional point of view, the pain can be so wrenching and intense, you can swear sometimes that you're the only one who could possibly be so unlucky as to be going through it. the sick irony of it all (and maybe this is the subconscious HELLOOOO that is making me feel sheepish about feeling thrown away), is that i kinda, uh, *totally* did that very thing to my ex before my current one, many years ago. i was 22, and had been with my then-boyfriend for three years. one day i just moved out and immediately moved in with someone else (who was actually another ex of mine from the distant past.. although someone who i never had NEARLY as deep of a connection with as with the guy i was leaving). i came to regret it six months later, when reality hit me in the face, and i realised that i still loved my ex and had made a *most* hasty decision. i didn't get him back. (well, i almost did, but i ended up seriously effing it up with neediness and desperation). anyways, i chalked it up to immaturity. i don't think i could ever do that to someone again. so maybe i can chalk up the way my ex is being to immaturity too... i am only his second girlfriend. hell, i'm only the second girl he's ever kissed (and he's 28). he's an awkward kind of guy around girls, you could say. actually he's kind of a freak in general anyways, if anything is unpredictable, it's emotions, eh...
bigheartkindsoul Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Some people and I have been told this can be especially true with guys, they don't take time to grieve and figure out what went wrong and learn from this. They can tend to be the ones that jump around from one relationship to the next, and never having one work for very long. Some are also striving for a perfect relationship/partner i.e. no arguements ever, well we know that this is just never going to happen. Plenty of girls do this too, am just saying here at least its more common for guys just to bury their heads in work and find a new girl asap. Try to focus on yourself right now, get new hobbies and grieve as much as you need too, read some self help books so you can learn from things and then when you are ready to start dating again.
funkybassplayer Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Nowdays people dont care about other people and many are just selfish, but some are hurting and dont know how to handle the pain, so they just shut down and block it out. This could be a rebound, or whatever. Its for you to handle your own pain, and try not to think about what there feeling. from the day it ends, its for us to get to a better more stable place in ourselfves, to grow, and develope, and move to a new stage in life, that can be the start of something amazing.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 anyways, whatever. what's up with people that can just detach so easily? that's got to be one of the top five questions on LS. i mean okay, i can understand being fed up with an annoying situation to the point of wanting to detach for a few weeks after the breakup, but don't you have to always work through your feelings eventually? and why can't he just discuss our breakup with me, just once? By the time they break up with you, they have already worked through their feelings and done their detaching. They just failed to tell you about it, and acted like everything was normal while their feelings for you just leaked slowly away. They don't all rush out in one gush though - hence your bf still getting jealous, saying that he loves you etc. That wasn't an act. It was just residual feelings he had for you. It doesn't stop them from continuing to diminish though. Eventually they get to the point where their feelings have diminished to the point where they feel comfortable letting go. They do their grieving in private, resolve any lingering feelings, and then go ahead and break up. This process can take months. Sometimes years. They always hide it though, because the amount of feelings they do have for you outweigh the ones they don't have. Its only when the scale tips do you begin to see it. By that time its too late to do anything about it. By the time they break up, they have already broken up with you in their heart a long time ago. What seems like a sudden detachment isn't anywhere near sudden. You are just looking at the end result of a process that was hidden from you until it had reached the end. I'm sure he was sad, upset, whatever - but while he was going through the process he still had you around when he needed you. Unfortunately, he isn't there for you when you are going through the same. It is always hard to accept. I just got dumped myself two days ago. Made the mistake of talking to him last night. He sounded chipper, upbeat, happy. Me, on the other hand... I had to keep reminding myself that it isn't a matter of him breaking up and a switch flipped and he just suddenly got over a two and a half year relationship. The sad truth is that he started checking out a long time ago. He just did it without giving me any indication he was doing it. Just a week ago, we were looking at a house to buy together. They can, do and will act like everything is normal right up to the end. They want to hold on to you, until they are over their own heartbreak and when they are, they let you go. They don't want to discuss the breakup, because for them its something they resolved long before it happened. All that discussing it for them does is make them feel guilty for hurting you, and they don't want to do anything that might get them into a position where they will feel obligated to come back. They are more than happy to still talk to you and be friends with you (sometimes anyway - some don't even want that), because that is the part of the relationship they don't want to let go of. It is hard to see them being happy after the breakup, being chipper, being friendly with you. It seems like they should be heartbroken and unable to function like we are, and it makes us feel diminished when they don't. Just understand that they were like that when they were falling out of love with you. They just didn't get around to sharing that with you until they got to the point where they felt healed and strong enough to go ahead and let go. It sucks. It really does. The whole 'no contact' thing makes sense. On one level, you think that talking to them will make you feel good, but it never does. All it does is remind you of what you wish you had, but don't and probably never will again.
funkybassplayer Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 That was an amazing post, and true. in my relationship, i think we both detached over the last month or so, and deep down i think i wanted it to end, as i was not happy, and nor was she, but i do miss her and the kids as friends, but there was no dought that the attraction was still there, and to a degree much love, but due to cercumstance, i guess our relationship had much pressure.
bigheartkindsoul Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 What seems like a sudden detachment isn't anywhere near sudden. You are just looking at the end result of a process that was hidden from you until it had reached the end. I'm sure he was sad, upset, whatever - but while he was going through the process he still had you around when he needed you. Unfortunately, he isn't there for you when you are going through the same. Wow All hit a note with me but especially this bit, your right lucky for my ex that he still had me around in between his "I want you/I don't want you" stages, for comfort, reassurance. The dumpee's on the other hand have to learn to stand on there own two feet and become strong in time because of it. The dumper will make the same mistakes over and over again (not always granted) they also will be devastated one day when this happens to them (getting dumped) and are sooo used to having the OP there in which ever relationship that it will be much worse that what we had to go through.
funkybassplayer Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 this is true, i dunmped my ex about 2 months b4 she did, she cryed and stuff and said that she missed me, i went back to her, but to be honest, i think although she dumped me 2nd time round, i had left the relationship when i dumped her, but that does not mean that we never loved or cared for each other, it was just i guess the wrong time of her life for me to be in it, and she went strait to a new chap, and i had felt the most pain ever in my life at the loss of the family. Was hard times, and 6 months on, i still have down days, but much stronger now, and i would love to be frineds now. I saw her back on a dating site a few weeks ago, so am assuming that the guy never worked out for her. It makes no difference to me, as i do miss her and kids, but as friends.
Recommended Posts