Trouble in Paradise Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 For all of you that have been following my story I went to church today. The sermon was about families and how they are supposed to work and what marriage is all about. Toward the end of the sermon he reassured that Divorce is NOT o.k. You vow in front of god, make a pact with god, to trust, love and respect one another no matter what for the rest of your life and that doesn't change with disagreement. You never divorce your mate. You go to buy the ring and the grave plot on the same day. When did it become ok for people to divorce these days, especially over little petty things? All the things I see on here about people wanting divorce and my own situation, there is no way I want one. Today I took everyone's advice and started talking to my wife about the situation. I told her that if she wanted to leave that she couldn't wait a month, if she wanted to leave she would have to stay with a friend until she found a place of her own. She said she didn't have any friends like that and I said that these are the same friends that make you feel so alive and free, they should be there for you... I told her that I didn't want mixed signals and that if she wanted to separate then she needs to do it sooner rather than later. She started to tear up and I asked her what she was crying for? and she said nothing! So I just got up and left and went down stairs and finally talked to my dad about her wanting to leave. I talked about it right in front of her and I don't think she liked it. I told him exactly what she told me and it seemed to really affect her. She told me she was going to the pool and said she was going to come back and get our son whenever he was done with a nap. I said no, you don't have to. Go have your fun, I can handle him. Well she didn't go to the pool. I took my baby over there a little afterwards and she wasn't there. She hasn't been home for 6 hours now and she doesn't have a cell phone so I can't get in touch with her. She also changed her email password today too. It's wierd too because we've never had any secrets before. Everyone I talk to says this screams affair. I pray that it's not but I don't know anymore, I am buying into the idea. I know this got a little off subject but it really helps me to talk about it. I don't have any family here so I get a good release from it.
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 This is a great post and I wonder the same thing. When did it become ok for people to divorce these days, especially over little petty things? A perfect example. Pamela Lee Anderson. She got married, divorced Kid Rock, the 'love of her life' (Hmm, funny - I thought Tommy Lee was the 'love of her life' too), then she meets someone else, gets married again (forget his name, but now he's the 'love of her life'). Does she ever stop to think what the F damage she's doing to her own kids? Sorry, I got off a little rant there... I'm sorry you're in pain, keep venting, it's good for the soul to get stuff out. She doesn't like it because you're standing up for yourself, showing emotion and she KNOWS she's in the wrong and up to no good. Keep doing that and don't let her tears melt your heart or make you feel too bad for her. If she reallly wants things to be better, she knows what she has to do...
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I have asked myself that question a lot. It WAS NOT ok for me. I meant my vows when I said them, and was determined to make my marriage work. I can understand if there is abuse, one partner confesses he/she is gay, or there are serious addiction problems that don't get worked on/get better after many, many months of work. I'm in the process of a divorce with a man who said all of our issues were workable. We had a great friendship, were very attracted to one another and genuinely like and care for one another. But apparently that's worth throwing away. I don't understand that, I don't understand him, and I don't understand why people bolt at the first sign of real trouble. I swear, I don't think I'll ever believe in marriage again. I think I'm going to be one of those people who just lives with my next love for years and years and never actually makes it "official."
Woggle Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Good for you for having a backbone and telling her to get out. If somebody really is unhappy divorce is a good option because soemtime a marriage is dead and can't be brought back to life. I don't want to go back to the 1950s where people stayed together no matter what but things have swung too far in the other extreme and we have become disposable society. Hopefully things will swing back to the middle pretty soon.
Gunny376 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 About sixty to seventy years ago ~ her fault, his fault ~ divorce was almot un-heard of. There were a lot of reasons for that, but the primary reason was that women didn't have very many rights when it came to divorce. Most of the time? Men got everything ~ to include full custody of the children. The woman got the clothes on her back and moved in with relatives. (The movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" is a good exmample of this!) Then came "no-fault" divorce, women's rights, women's right to vote, (most divorce judges are elected) etc, and we started sliding down the slippery slope to where we find ourselves today. Where "I'm just not feeling it for ya!" anymore!" is sufficient grounds for divorce. Good job of "manning-up!" and inducing some reality into the situation. You're a lot nicer guy that me? Were it me? The next time she stepped out the door, I'd change the locks on the doors, and everything else, ~ and all her trash would be out by the curb! The one good thing that does come out of this? Is most of us after the first time ~ and for some the second ~ build up a certan amount of immunity to all of this ~ so that if you come across it again? You know what to do! As far as marriage? I just don't see it on the horizion for me? I'm not looking for mariage ~ not that I'm oppossed to it ~ just not looking for it! Marriage? Marriage is going to have to find me? Ideally? I would like to find some strong, self-supporting, independent woman that has her own place and I have mine. We have an exclusive monogmous relationship, and when she gets tired of me being around ~ I'll go "home" and she can call me!
sumdude Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 All the gender roles have changed so quickly ... in two generations. The lines have all blurred so much as far as responsibilities, sexuality etc. You didn't have too many working mom's or stay at home dad's in 1960. You didn't have the birth control pill which completely changed society as well as hormonal affects on women which are still being discovered. You didn't have instant communication with anyone anywhere in your pocket. There was no internet dating. There was no constant media barrage about how life is 'supposed to be' and how you're to look and how love affairs are. Instant gratification and impatience is the rule. My parents came from eastern europe, divorce was pretty much unheard of as well as being Catholic. So I went with what I grew up understanding, you get married for life. My parents were a generation and cuture apart from their contemporaries in the USA so my programming was about 30 years out of date. When I chose my ex to marry I think I tried to look past her family history. Her father married 3 times, her mother left her father and remarried, her sister left her first husband for # 2 ... years later she left # 2 to go back to her first husband.. So that is what my ex learned.. In a way .. I should have known. When reality doesn't meet your expectations you either change your expectations or change your reality. Otherwise someone else might do it for you.
Trialbyfire Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I told her that I didn't want mixed signals and that if she wanted to separate then she needs to do it sooner rather than later. She started to tear up and I asked her what she was crying for? Well done. Assert those hard boundaries and don't back down when she pulls the crocodile tears. It takes two people to make a marriage successful, in that you both have to put in your 50% of effort. I can't tell by this one event if she's cheating or not. Be diligent. If necessary, follow her one day. I do wonder about the way the two of you communicate. Have you considered marriage counseling ("MC")?
Author Trouble in Paradise Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 I tried to get her to go to MC but she refuses. She left today at 1200 and now is is 2030 and she still isn't home. I took all of our old pictures off the wall, threw all of her stuff in a garbage bag, and brought her shirts down and they are all waiting. Maybe this is a bit harsh but I think it is the only way right now. Just like she can't be miserable living in "this" house I can't be miserable now that I know all this stuff and she is still in "this" house. I have to be able to have my space from her and be able to cope and mend and get out like she does. I'm not going to allow her to abuse my love for her. I'm stiffening up and I'm not backing down. If she wants to come back, I don't know if i'll accept it. It would take a big heart to heart and a lot of counseling because I will never go through this again. I went to church today and realized how strong I am with God on my side. Even when things are bad I can still see good in everything no matter how much I am hurting and I think that is a gift from god.
Woggle Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I am proud of you. If she wants out then she needs to get out right now. In the end she will probably respect you for this because you showed you have a backbone.
PWSX3 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 yesterday me & the W and some co-workers went to the play called; "I love you, your perfect, now change" and it is about life with man & woman. In one part it talked about the couple dating & getting to know each other. Then the story goes on & they get married, have a family & then the kids grow up & move out & the couple looks at each other & they realize they spent there life raising a family & now it is gone & they don't know who each other are just like when they first started dating. We all change as we grow older & our hobbies, interests all change as well & then you add in all the hustle & bustle of daily life & we forget who our partners are. I don't feel people work together as a team like they used to back in the day. I also think things are way to easy now, you can get a meal in 30 secs in the drive threw, you can get credit with the touch of a key on the computer & so people really don't put the effort into what it takes to make a marriage work, people want that magic pill, the quick fix!!! I feel it all comes down to one simple formula, if both parties don't want it to happen it is over. I know some of the books I have read said; you can make your marriage work even if the other person doesn't but I really don't know about that. You both have to give 100% & that is the bottom line.
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