loripuff Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Hi! I was directed to this forum by another member who thought I might benefit from your wisdom. In a nutshell, I've had a crush on a guy at work for about 1 1/2 years. It's been a friendly but nothing more...kinda a 2 out of ten on the crush-o-meter. Over the last two weeks, there has been a marked difference. He's coming up behind me and leaning over my shoulder near my neck to talk to me. He stares a lot and smiles at me from across the room and when he comes up to talk to me he's bumping his hip against me and being a little more "suggestive" type flirty. Problem number 1: He's married Problem number 2: I'm now a 11 out of 10 on the crush-o-meter. Basically I want one of three things: 1) him to get a divorce that has nothing to do with me so I can date him in good conscience 2) the flirtation to stop on its own 3) think of something clever to say to him so that he knows I am attracted to him, knows that I will not touch him while he's married, and knows he must stop this flirty flirty until his personal circumstances change, if ever. I'm not going to lie and say I don't really want #1, but I'm also going to say I'm too good to be someone's sloppy seconds. Realistically, #3 is the best option so I'm looking for suggestions for classy yet to the point things to say. I've read some of the other posts and don't really want any sanctimonious, "you'll be a whore" type comments. I'm thinking a lot of people have been burned in the past...hell, even I have. What I really need is something to set us both on a right course so that it DOESN'T progress to something that is not good enough for me and to nip it in teh bud so that I can continue to have a decent work relationship with him. Any suggestions would be welcome!!! Help the Loveshack newbie!!!
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 If you really don't want to end up the OW, then stop the flirting now. If he flirts with you, don't flirt back. Act professional. TELL him nicely yet firmly that you want him to stop, to respect you, to respect his wife and his marriage.
White Flower Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Hi Loripuff, Do you really mean it when you say you don't want to be someone's "sloppy seconds"? Because, I really don't think he is going to D his W just for the mere possibility that he might be able to date you if he does. I'm not saying go ahead, have an A, then give him an ultimatum later either. I'd give him one of your options and see what he says. Who knows, it could work. But I doubt it. I'm sure you have read our OW warnings--emotional roller coaster ride of your life if you get into an A with a MM. The highs are exhilarating, but the lows are more than horrible.
Author loripuff Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 By sloppy seconds, I mean I don't want to be an OW...someone to shag while still being married. What I mean is I deserve to be someone's first choice....not their back up chick. I do want to somehow tell him that I have a crush on him and don't want to close a door should his personal circumstances change. But I need the flirting to stop so that I dont' get hurt or do something stooopid like shag him in a moment of weakness. I dont' want to have to be cold or rude to him...that would be far more uncomfortable for me than saying something cute and light yet poignant to put a stop to it. Get my point across in a friendly way, so to speak
Author loripuff Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 I suppose I should say that I have been an other woman and was too naive to see it coming when my so called "friend" put the moves on me and I was too tipsy to be rational about it and later was too hot for the sex to give it up. I don't want to do it again.
frannie Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Hmmm... why would he get a divorce? Maybe he's happy at home and just likes flirting at work. Perhaps he just sees you as flirting material..? Best thing you can say or do in that situation... if you don't want to be flirting with a MM... just don't do it. Tell him to go the hell away.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 You can say "I'm sorry, I don't 'do' married men. If you ever find yourself divorced and free to date, look me up." Then, refuse to let him flirt by cockblocking him emotionally and physically. Every time he does it, smile sweetly and say "Its really too bad you are married because I'd really like to be with you, but I'm sorry - like I said, I don't 'do' married men." Then, keep it strictly professional and do not under any circumstances let it slip any further than that. If he leans over you, stand up and move away from him. If he smiles, do not return his smile. If he 'bumps' into you, step back from him or move before he bumps you. If he gets angry with you, remind him that your reactions are not the problem, his being married is. That really is your only chance at seeing him on your terms. Anything less, and it will be all on his: ie, he gets to stay married and see you on the side.
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I do want to somehow tell him that I have a crush on him and don't want to close a door should his personal circumstances change. Are you kidding me? You want to let this guy know that you have a crush on him, in hopes that he'll see the light, realize that he 'wants' you, end his marriage and rush to your side? What are you going to do, wait for him for years to come, in hopes that one day his marriage will end? DO NOT say a word to him about your crush. HE IS MARRIED, respect that. Leave him alone, he's not up for grabs just because you want him. Find a single man who can love you and give ALL of himself to you, not some guy who is married and likes to flirt. You've been the OW before, so don't put yourself in that situation again. If you do, you'll be bringing on your own pain.
Meaplus3 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 loripuff, What ever you do DON'T let him know you have a crush on him, because you will very much regret it in the long term. He sound's like a Flirt and probably enjoy's the ego stroking you provide him. I think your messed up with a "Player" so to speak and you need to Run like H**** unless you don't mind getting hurt. Keep it business like and that's it! AP:)
norajane Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Next time he flirts with you, just laugh and ask him if he knows any great SINGLE guys to introduce you to. And stop flirting back.
Art_Critic Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Ask him questions about his kids.. if he has any.. if not then ask about his wife.. Questions like that asked at the appropiate time with the right tone carry the same weight as "Your married.. leave me alone...".. and you might want to stop flirting back with him.. that does nothing but fuel the fire...
Author loripuff Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Miss NoraJane, THAT is just the kind of comment I was looking for. Perfect. For all you guys who were a little harsh on me, I didn't think he would leave his wife for me....I'm not that delusional. Truth is, I like the guy and if he does ever get divorced, I don't want to have burned a bridge also, I work in a small place, I don't want a bunch of negative vibes to prompt gossip or make me uncomfortable. I was just looking for a graceful exit from the situation and thanks to NoraJane, I have it.
Author loripuff Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Oh yeah, I did give him a shrug off today....he seemed perplexed and I felt oddly very powerful.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Just make sure this doesn't turn into a little game, like the cat and mouse chase. I mean, you've been flirting with him, giving signs that you're interested (even if you didn't say it, your body language has) then all of sudden you just stop and ignore. That could peak his interest more. You'd be better off telling him that it's appropriate behaviour and that you want it to stop. Then, be firm. Set up boundries and don't cross them. And, get out of the mindset of him 'one day maybe divorcing' so you can have him. If you want to rid of this crush, then push thoughts of him away and out of your head. Don't fantasize about him, or talk to him on any personal level. Eventually the crush feelings will fade.
silktricks Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Miss NoraJane, THAT is just the kind of comment I was looking for. Perfect. For all you guys who were a little harsh on me, I didn't think he would leave his wife for me....I'm not that delusional. Truth is, I like the guy and if he does ever get divorced, I don't want to have burned a bridge also, I work in a small place, I don't want a bunch of negative vibes to prompt gossip or make me uncomfortable. I was just looking for a graceful exit from the situation and thanks to NoraJane, I have it. The line NJ gave you was great, but the second line was equally important. You need to stop flirting with him!! Otherwise your crush-o-meter is just gonna keep going up, and you could fall into entanglement before you know it! Also, since it's a small office and all, I'm not talking don't be friendly, and you don't need to go all serious and judgemental on his behavior either, just go for the casual and friendly. I definitely wouldn't go with the telling him that you've got a crush, because that's way far over into the flirting range (and out of the casual and friendly, let's not make a big deal range).
Author loripuff Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 I have stopped flirting and am avoiding places where I seem to run into him more often. So far so good. He came up to me once and breathed on my neck and said "boo" into my ear and I just said, Hey...I gotta go and high tailed it out of there. Is it what I want....not really...Is it what I need to do...absolutely.
Author loripuff Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 You guys would be so proud of me. After a somewhat uncomfortable week, I was totally professional, pleasant but not friendly, and no game playing. Today, I ran into him at the supermarket quite by accident, and just briefly said hi and it only felt a little strange...I think I'm off the path I was headed on.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Congratulations LoriPuff. I'm so glad you stepped back and gained some perspective and thought things through before doing something that would hurt both you and his W. Now *that* shows real character. Great job!!!!!!!!!!!!
indianlover Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Ask him questions about his kids.. if he has any.. if not then ask about his wife.. Questions like that asked at the appropiate time with the right tone carry the same weight as "Your married.. leave me alone...".. and you might want to stop flirting back with him.. that does nothing but fuel the fire... lol. I've done that and somehow that didn't get my MM to back down. I think he actually liked the fact I was interested in his family - F'ed up really. But you're right, flirting is what really fuels the fire.
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