head.heart& hand Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 There's not enough trust to continue. I ended it. There's no doubt in my mind that he thinks I simply need to cool off and we'll be back on again ( he's successful--powerful and always seems to get what he wants!) I was misled and made it clear that I dont want to continue. As painful as it is, I'm not answering his calls. It so hard not to respond but I don't see the point and fear being manipulated back into the relationship. Is absolutely no contact the way to go?
wowIlose Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Depends what you want. You sound like you've had enough. Your best bet is no contact for a at least a week to think about what you really want. Then evaluate if it's worth giving him another try, if he can truly change. Post more about what brought you to your break up so we can see if those issues are something that can be changed or if its a hard coded gene problem.
MattyTee Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 'Issues' can always change - very little is coded in our genes (imho) - it's just a matter of the person being ready. If they don't see that those changes need to be made for themselves then they are very unlikely to ever make them. It may well take longer than a week, but I would say the same thing - give yourself some time with no contact and see how you feel about things. This is time for you to be powerful and get what you really want, on your terms
NotAgain Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Well, it depends on what you want. If you don't want to get back together then yes, no contact is a good idea...at least for a while. If you wanna try being friends or whatever, then maybe go NC for a few months (or however long you feel you need to heal, and for him to) and then ask. But if you want to work things out, no. Either have limited/light contact, or just come straight out and ask it. If that doesn't work then go LC. I just don't believe complete NC works on getting an ex back..atlough many here would disagree. It really just depends on your motives and the situation. Good luck.
MattyTee Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I broke my non-contact rule tonight. I'm not entirely sure why. I know I wasn't ready. I had been in NC for one month and we broke up three months ago. Something changed within me and for the first time I wanted to contact her not to get her back or because I was desperate... but for some other reason (who knows). She said that if things would ever work out with us again we would have to be friends first. So, my advice would follow thusly: - You must give yourself some time for grieving and healing (NC is best for this). - When you feel stronger, perhaps look at starting some LC. The most important thing is this. You have to realise that things MAY NOT WORK OUT. You need to reach that acceptance first. I didn't and I'm hurting now because of it
NotAgain Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Sorry to hear you're hurting, Matty I did a lot of logical thinking last night, and my thoughts kept changing. "I do want him back", "no, I don't", "he's good for me, "he's bad for me", "I want to be friends", "I hate him and want nothing more to do with him" Which only comes to one conclusion - I'm confused and don't know what I want. Truth is, if he came upto me tonight and asked for a second chance, I really wouldn't know what to say. So in that case NC is obviously needed, and THEN MAYBE LC if I feel like it (and him too obviously) I'm going to try my hardest to not contact him, only if I see him in the pub, and even then I doubt I'd talk to him. I'm too confused as to what I want. I don't know if he's good for me, or if being in a relationship at all is good for me yet . So, I do now agree, Matty. NC is best at first because if not your (hurt) heart will do all the talking and desicion making, and that aint really healthty. But NC is sooo hard .
Author head.heart& hand Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 no contact is so terribly hard. ---I'm about to crack. After 9 days of NC--he tried calling five times in the past 24 hrs. I didnt answer. I feel like I'm being immature, not disciplined. I dont want that. I feel as though I've gained some strength over the past week yet fear I'll cave in if we talk and revisit why the break was necesary. so difficult.
Lee725 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Hi, it is hard to maintain NC, 9 days is a great start, stay strong. He may be repeatatively calling because you said that he is use to getting what he wants, and by you not answering the phone, he isnt getting what he wants! NC can send your mind into a spin, but the longer it goes on the clearer your head will become. If you are considering breaking NC, you might find some strength here, by writing what you are thinking, after you have typed it out, you might find the release you need and you may not feel the need to contact him about it. a little info on why you broke up might also assist us in helping you with your thoughts.
Author head.heart& hand Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Thank you all--Here's the context. After a five year relationship with a mm, I've walked away. A little history---My significant other moved out of his home two years ago. Soon afterwards, he accepted a hefty job promotion 75 miles away. Upon taking the job, he told me he would need to develop a pattern where he could see his children yet still move forward with a legal separation or divorce. He has a place of his own in his new location yet his children rarely visit. Intead, he travels to the family home several times a week and every weekend. He commutes yet does not sleep over as he appears to have set boundaries in that areas with his wife. However, after two years of leaving the family residence and promising that he was going to move forward, he finally said he can't or he would lose contact with his children (teenagers). He has hidden our relationship from everyone in his life-- still an affair. I clearly explained why I could not accept this any longer and said goodbye. As per the above emails, I feel NC is the way to go--I fear being manipulated back into the relationship.
Lee725 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 It is very likely that you will be manipulated to go back. You have given this man 5 years of your life, You can never get that back. I am sure that you have had many discussion with him about how your life together would/should/can proceed, but no doubt these conversations have remained unforfilled. Being invloved with a mm is an extrememly complicated situation. Walk away, leave, get on with your life (as hard as that may be). If he loves you he will get the nessecary paperwork drawn up, he will make the decisions that he needs to make to be with you and he will come and find you. Spare yourself any further heartache. Remove yourself from the situation, find yourself and where you need to be at right now. He has kept you a secret for 5 years. For whatever reasons this has gone on this long. BUT... Dont you deserve better? Dont you deserve to walk down the street with a man who is proud to show you off to the world? and introduce you to EVERYONE HE KNOWS/MEETS as his GF/FIANCE/WIFE? Walk away. You already know you can accept this no longer! Be true to yourself. Stay strong - Maintain NC - actions speak louder than words ... so dont listen to his words any more ... let him watch your actions...
Author head.heart& hand Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 I was! I read this post a dozen times--silently exclaiming--"YES!!!- This is what I must do. And here I am believing him again. well, mostly more like--half completely. and in no time at all it will be hardly. Great Post Lee-- yet it's pretty obvious that I'm in over my ---head heart and hand!
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