Ladyjane14 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 He won't tell her because he doesn't want to live through the consquences of his actions or take full responsibility for his choices. I think he's scared of facing his wife and all that the fallout that follows after admitting about the affair. It's amazing the length that conflict avoiders will go in order to not rock the boat. When "I genuinely don't dislike her, and I genuinely care about her wellbeing" is good enough for a guy to base a lifetime of commitment on, I think it might well be time to reevaluate the importance of keeping an even keel.
norajane Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 He won't tell her because he doesn't want to live through the consquences of his actions or take full responsibility for his choices. I think he's scared of facing his wife and all that the fallout that follows after admitting about the affair. I agree - he says he avoids conflict. And by trying to avoid conflict in his marriage, he's having an affair instead of dealing with the conflict that would have ensued had he actually started to discuss his marital issues with his wife. So now he has created even MORE conflict and MORE issues, and has to deal with those consequences, even if that means just making a choice about what to do. I don't know why MM think, oh, I'll just have an affair instead of working on my marriage or ending it. An affair only complicates things - it doesn't make anything easier or simpler or clearer or better.
cj1988 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I agree, the reason my H will not confess is because he does not want to deal with the situation and the consequences of his bad choices and actions. He also does not like drama or conflict but wants to make my life a living h---- so he can be at peace. That is SOOOO cowardly and I hate that about all cheaters. If you have the balls to do the dirty deed then have the balls to take the heat for your FUN, because the BS is not having any at all. If you felt remoseful or BAD about all this at all, you would come clean and let her find a real man that loves her, you do not if you are with another woman. You have broke your vows.....it is over. How would you feel if she did this to you? Think about it? Would you want her to live the lie or tell you the truth. it would KILL a person like you !
cj1988 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Alos,I have found the one that preach "I hate cheaters, I hate infidelity" are the FIRST to jump on the chance if they think NO ONE will find out, and that is just SAD.....you should let her go, NOW !
JustBreathe Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Do you really love your wife? Honestly? Do you love her in the way a husband should love a wife?
Ladyjane14 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I don't know why MM think, oh, I'll just have an affair instead of working on my marriage or ending it. An affair only complicates things - it doesn't make anything easier or simpler or clearer or better. You know, when conflict avoidance is present, the first thing that comes to mind is that the MM is passive/aggressive in his tendencies. He'd need to hash it out with a counselor in order to find out for real 'WHY' he's doing what he's doing. But, that'd be my first guess. Sometimes cheating is just a way to lash out at someone you're mad at without actually having to go toe-to-toe with them.
abeliever Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 THIS MUST BE DONE, SORRY. PLEASE LEAVE YOU W SHE DESERVES BETTER AND YOU DESERVE OW. Just do the right thing. Nothing else really matters, does it? GO --- be happy with OW but why hurt W? Be a man do what you know is right, everything else will be ok. Best of luck. abeliever Ladyjane you are my new hero. your words are my truth.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Thanks for the compliment, AB... I'm blushing. But honestly, I haven't a clue as to what this guy is looking for. He's not asking how to fix his marriage, or how to regain his feelings for his wife, or even the best way to leave her. He seems convinced that the OW is some kind of goddess ... but oddly, he's not willing to expend the effort to get with her. He seems to believe that a cessation of sexual interaction is somehow going to negate the fact that his relationship with her is affair-based. He claims to see positive qualities in his wife, and yet appears to blame and bash her for his OWN CONSISTENT CHOICE to "avoid confrontation at all costs". He's ineffectual within his relationships, both primary and illicit, acting out in a passive/aggressive fashion toward his wife and in-laws, and while he gives lip-service to his "selfishness", he appears to lack the drive to step up and address it.
cj1988 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Amen Ladyjane, sounds like my H. He will address nothing, talk about nothing, but tells me he loves me and is STILL in love with me....but does not want to adress WHY he does not come home, when he does he is not loving (but not mean) why he wants to sleep with me when he is drinking now and WHY he cannot be loving like he use to be....it is me he said reading to much into it and not relaxing ! OK, whatever, I am the loving one and the one that is fighting to save the marriage he said be patient and there is nothing wrong ! RIGHT, my A-- !
Author catbert Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 He's not asking how to fix his marriage, or how to regain his feelings for his wife, or even the best way to leave her. Good points. I need to start moving forward, one direction or another. He seems convinced that the OW is some kind of goddess ... but oddly, he's not willing to expend the effort to get with her. Another good point. He seems to believe that a cessation of sexual interaction is somehow going to negate the fact that his relationship with her is affair-based. Also true (ie. I seem to believe that). He claims to see positive qualities in his wife, and yet appears to blame and bash her for his OWN CONSISTENT CHOICE to "avoid confrontation at all costs". Yeah, I have pointed out things with my wife that I have a problem with. I don't intend to bash her though. I acknowledge that I am just pointing the finger at her when the blame lies in my court. Having said that, I also agree with those who say it takes two to cause this kind of problem. I'm not using that as a means of shifting some of the blame off me - I accept the blame that is mine - but both sides need to acknowledge their part in things. I know that not telling my wife about this means that she can't do that. He's ineffectual within his relationships, both primary and illicit, acting out in a passive/aggressive fashion toward his wife and in-lawsI did some readin about passive-aggressive behaviour. Very interesting. It's definitely me to a large degree - maybe not the extremes described in what I read, but otherwise.. and while he gives lip-service to his "selfishness", he appears to lack the drive to step up and address it.Good point. Amen Ladyjane, sounds like my H. He will address nothing, talk about nothing, but tells me he loves me and is STILL in love with me....but does not want to adress WHY he does not come home, when he does he is not loving (but not mean) why he wants to sleep with me when he is drinking now and WHY he cannot be loving like he use to be....it is me he said reading to much into it and not relaxing ! OK, whatever, I am the loving one and the one that is fighting to save the marriage he said be patient and there is nothing wrong ! RIGHT, my A-- ! This is exactly what I do with my wife. Althought, I don't "not come home", and even when I was late home from work as mentioned previously, it was only ever by about 30 minutes at the most - and it was never to have sex with the OW, it was just to see her. Thanks, both of you, for your non-judgemental writing style. You have both given me alot to think about.
Author catbert Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 I do everything, he does nothing.....I work, take care of kids, house, dogs etc....he works, drinks, hangs out with his buddy and comes home when he feels like it to f---- me ! Appreciate your comments in that reply. re. the above quote from it: I don't *think* I'm as bad as your H around the house. I certainly don't and never have just hung out with mates and just come home for sex. The description "we're just flatmates, not lovers" is sort of apt in my situation. The affair aside, we have an ok existence together. We don't have a lot in common though, apart from 4 1/2 years of marriage and associated memories/experiences which, without the problems an affair adds to things, might ordinarily be enough to help a couple like us pull through. Anyway, I'm not trying to justify my actions or anything, just making some comments. You all seem to be very open minded and non judgemental. I had a bad time (not that I think I should be having a good time) on another forum... the majority of people there clearly had unresolved issues (obviously, because they were there in the first place) ... but I felt uncomfortable taking their advice. Having said that I do understand that my perspective/actions aren't going to make me popular! I really appreciate the things people have said on this site - it's been/being very helpful.
JustBreathe Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Have you considered that by carrying on with another person behind your spouse's back you deprive her of the opportunity to find a man who can love her completely? Doesn't she deserve that much for having loved you once?
Author catbert Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Have you considered that by carrying on with another person behind your spouse's back you deprive her of the opportunity to find a man who can love her completely? Doesn't she deserve that much for having loved you once? I have, and yes she does. He's not asking how to fix his marriage, or how to regain his feelings for his wife, or even the best way to leave her. I am giving these points some thought at the moment...
cj1988 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Catbert, thank you for being honest as well, we teh BS likes to hear the REAL facts to make our decision as well. Given your comment that is exactly how I am with my wife, can you answer some questions for me? Does it sound as if he is not in love with me and just telling me that so he has a place to come home to every day? He avoids me like the plague and tells me " You know where I am, what is the big deal". He does not touch me like he use to, want to make love (always wanted to for 11 years) or even talk to me that much. He rarely kisses, hugs or shows any affection at all and when I bring up these issues he says I am pushy and impatient and need to relax......Ok, he does not talk to the so called OW at all anymore and does not seem to really want to, but do you think that if he was in love with her at some point, that is what is keeping him from being in love with me now. Meaning, maybe he realized after feeling something for someone else he really does not love me like he thought he did.... I am only asking because we are moving out of the house this month and I am making my decision to go with or without him. If I leave him, will it surprise him or will he even care? Why does he only want me when he is drunk? What is wrong with him? Should I move on, you should know, you are him? We have been together 13 years and I am not bragging, but I am by far the best thing he has ever had in his life, plus he cannot leave for the OW, she is his new found 1/2 sister, how gross is that.....and she does not call or seem to care about him either....
cj1988 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I feel like I am holding on for nothing. Everyone tells me if I leave him he will freak, that he really does not want that, but I am not sure anymore. I told him last night after he came home drunk at 8PM that I was not going to put up with that anymore and if he continued in this manner I would leave. He told me not to threaten him and I said trust me I am not, keep making these bad choices and you will fprce me to make mine. He said whatever. I believe he thinks I will not do it. I said why dont you come home he said why do you think I do not come home. I said I am not sure, I do not grip or complain, I am loving what you wanted, why? He did not have an answer as usual and said I was selfish and if our life is not what I want it is over. I said it is not too much to ask that your H come home instead of hangong out with his friend he works with all day.....why does he avoid me and the boys? I am not mean or nasty etc....what am I doin wrong? Why does he not want me anymore? Read my threads and see what you think. Long story short, he and his 1/2 sister met, I became nothing, he was consumed with her etc....i accused them after over hearing a tape that was NOT normal of sleeping with her. He started acting weird shortly after they started talking everyday all day in September of last year. By the time I confronted him in December they were heavy talkers " I love you baby" I love you my sweet sweet baby" but he said nothing was wrongh they were related and have a strong bond. Well, he has never been the same. He treated me terribly for 5 months, wanted a divorce never came home and continued to call her everyday. He finally started coming back around me when it started to get warm , he loves my lake house, but he was not the same. He still talked to her everyday up until September and October only 5 times all month. So you see he tells me he is this way because I accused him of the sister thing, BUT the tape was horrible. Everyone watched them over the summer and they were shocked to by their behavior. He blames everything wrong with us on me and does not take responsibility for any of it at all. But, I know him and something is wrong with him. It is not his nature to cheat at all and he may have not slept with her, but I know it was definietly emotional. I just do not understand WHY he cannot bounce back. We have been through worse and he bounced back, this time something is different. He cannot have her, so that is out, but he has a big heart and maybe he cannot get over her. I know that all sounds gross and it is if it is true, but he is not a monster, just f---- up a bit. They did not meet until 2002 and was not around each other alot until JUNE 06....since her we have never been the same. She is nothing like me, heavy, loud....but she will drink and smoke dope with him. She loved him unconditionally and worshiped his every move for those months, now nothing, no calls nothing.......so, why is he still like this.....I want to leave so bad, but cant stop hoping he will snap out of it and try !
bish Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I have previously been sucked into thinking that "I love my wife, but I'm not "in love" with her". I think a more correct way of putting it is that I genuinely don't dislike her, and I genuinely care about her wellbeing, but I'm not sure that I actually do love her. I'm not sure if I ever did. Then for f#cks sake....divorce her and set her free so she can find someone that won't do this shiit to her.
IamASelfishSOB Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I've been married 16 years and have kids. My situation is/was very similar to yours. I wish I had answers for you, but I don't... at least not yet. It sounds like you agree that cheating is not the answer. Good for you.
Havn_a_life Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Not to sound rude, but this guy sounds like he enjoys taking his time and being the decider of his wife's fate. He's thinking things through, pondering everyone's advice. Weighing his options. I say, you took your option and you cheated. You owe it to your BW to be a real man and tell her you cheated on her. I think he doesn't want to because he knows she'll dump his a*ss and find someone worthy and then where will that leave him? He won't be a big shot cakeeater, no options and the ball will definitely be out of his court. He won't be running the show. That's where it'll leave him. Too, he has to actually see the OW for what she really is...not that much of a prize. If she can screw around with a MM, she isn't worhty at all. JMO
Recommended Posts