I cheated...

[catbert]

I have posted this story elsewhere and collected thoughts from people .. and have just today had a look and found this forum, and I would like to gather food for thought from the good people here as well. I am particularly hoping sarme will read this as our situations don't look too dis-similar, although we're on opposite ends of things. The following text is pasted in, with a little bit of editing, from somewhere else.. sorry if bits of it don't make sense.

 

>>

I am one who has done the cheating. It started in April 06 and I ended it in March 07. My wife always suspected it was going on, but I remained evasive on the subject and managed not to admit anything and to not have to tell outright lies by denying it.

 

My wife and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and have no kids. In July 06 I gave her the "I'm not happy" and "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" speeches. I went and stayed with some friends (people who are mother and father figures in my life) for a few days and tried to sort myself out. They helped me see that she's got a controlling streak, like her mother. They wondered how I was going to get on, being married to her, and reminded me about how they asked me about it at the time, and how I just seemed to want to get married - I couldn't see past that at the time. I also tend to avoid confrontation at all costs.

 

She's very jealous of anything and anyone who takes my time away from her, but because of the trouble over the last year, she a lot better these days. That said, I don't tend to push things much. I've always been happy to just come home and live a quiet life (even before I was married). It was only while the affair was in full swing that I was pushing boundaries at all. Even then it was only that I'd be late home (by maybe 20 minutes a few times a week) at night, would leave early sometimes to go to work etc. Just stealing time here and there to have a few minutes with the other woman. My lunchtimes were my own, so that was usually the most mischievous time of my day.

 

We have got through that part of it, since I started to snap in July 06, and are back to a fairly harmonious life. The only problem is that I'm still not very good at telling her how I feel (ok ok, I know this is a big issue, so people don't need to go over the top pointing it out! and so I don't really feel like I've gotten far in the last six months. In fact, I have thought about the other woman EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY during that time.

 

I'll never forget how devastated my wife was when she thought it was going to be over last year. There are lists of reasons why I think I'd be happier and better off with the other woman - we're best friends, compared to my wife and I, who are very close acquaintances (if you get the distinction), we're sexually compatible (and I suspect that if we were in a relationship we wouldn't lose that after the honeymoon phase wore off, but I am worried about that phenomenon), among others. Something I'm struggling with is whether these things are simply excuses that only people in movies are allowed to use, or if they're valid in real life.

 

Totally coincidentally I actually knew the OW from about 7 years beforehand when she hung out at my flat quite a bit. I had nothing to do with her back then, but there was an instant connection when we met more recently - mainly in that we already knew each other.

 

I worked for my wife's parents for about three years. About halfway through that they bought another company and moved everything into the same location. The OW worked for the new company.

 

We got on like a house on fire for a long time while working there and there were rumours about us from time to time. She moved away to another city, following her boyfriend at the time, but came back, and came back to the same job about 5 months later. Still, there was nothing going on at that time.

 

Before the affair started I denied my wife's suspicions. She obviously felt threatened by the OW, and the 'good mates' kind of friendship we had. I can kind of understand where she was coming from, but it irritated me. I also denied it to her parents when they confronted me about it when they were considering rehiring the OW. NOTHING was happening and I was definitely not intending for anything to happen at that stage, so there was no problem.

 

It was a stressful working environment for various reasons, so we got to deal with each other in many different and varied moods. For this reason I believe that in a "relationship" context (ie. where you see more sides to the other person than people who are just dating) we have done some very hard yards, and would quite likely last the distance if we were together. We worked together for a total of about 2 years.

 

My in-laws, my wife, the OW, a few others and myself were doing a stocktake one weekend. I found myself in charge of telling people what to do. I clearly remember two occasions where I gave my wife and her mother particular tasks, which they didn't really want to do, while I got on with the stocktake. The (STB)OW showed up to work just after I had dished out the tasks to the others, and as she was the most useful person there, I got her to help me. Far out... from the looks I got from my wife and MIL, you'd have thought I had have asked them to eat vacuum cleaner dust, while giving the OW a 'good' job. There was even a heated, whispered exchange between me and my wife over it, and very angry looks from the MIL (like a teenager gives someone 'evils').

 

This all set a great tone for the rest of the day. And it was the straw that broke my back. It was soon afterwards that the affair started. I'm not trying to lay blame on other people - I do accept responsibility for what I've done, but it *was* a two way street to some degree.

 

The OW and I both decided to get different jobs. Her because she was sick of it there (apart from the perks) and me for the same reason. We got different jobs a few months apart, and now work a couple of minutes walk away from each other's workplace.

 

At the start things at home were very tense because I started staying out late (only a few times over a couple of months, but that was enough). At least 3/4 of the time it was perfectly innocent (I was with a male friend of mine) and my wife did not know I was with the OW the other 1/4 - she may have suspected, I'm not being naive about that.

 

I ended the affair a couple of months after I started my new job, and, like I've said, still think about the OW alot. We had NO contact for two solid months, had a few lunches together, and then nothing for a while again, and have only now just started exchanging the odd email.

 

Things at home have calmed down alot, but only because I have stopped pushing those boundaries. The friend from the previous paragraph was with me when I went away to stay with other friends. I appreciate that that was a difficult time for her. She has told me she "hates" that guy, which makes it hard because he is just about the only person I want to spend time with apart from the OW, when I'm taking the little time I ever take to not either be at work or with my wife.

 

>>

 

 

I am now seven months along from breaking off contact with the OW. Although, I have seen her briefly two or three times, and exchanged non-intimate emails with her off and on as well. I have found that I do really miss her.

 

I found out that she went on holiday last week to pursue a possible relationship with someone from another city. I think she'll be back at work today (we don't work in the same place anymore). As yet I have no idea how it worked out. I suppose if it does work out she'll move there. I fing myself being a little jealous about the idea of her meeting someone else and the possibility of me missing out on being with her.

 

In the meantime however, things at home have been pretty good lately - all things considered. But, I was reading some posts on here earlier about how many men just stick with marriages because they don't want to go through the divorce etc. I am worried that I'll just be sucked in to that line of thinking.

 

I have previously been sucked into thinking that "I love my wife, but I'm not "in love" with her". I think a more correct way of putting it is that I genuinely don't dislike her, and I genuinely care about her wellbeing, but I'm not sure that I actually do love her. I'm not sure if I ever did.

 

Thanks in advance to people who post messages in reply to this. Don't bother flaming me, I've heard it all before! I hope people will appreciate that I am taking this seriously.

 

Cheers

Catbert.

[catbert]

"The following text is pasted in, with a little bit of editing, from somewhere else"

 

Errr, it was all written by me though..

[minerva63]

out of curiosity, what exactly do you miss about the OW?

 

is it the "fantasy" of a life without commitments? do you think that would have changed if time went on and she began to ask more of you?

[whichwayisup]

If you decide to divorce your wife, do it because you're miserable being married to her and it's best to be on your own. Don't divorce and then pop into a serious relationship with the OW. You need to be alone for a while, otherwise you'll bring emotional baggage into another relationship.

 

Did you and your wife go to marriage counselling? Did you ever try your absolute best to fix the marriage, to reconnect with your wife? From what I've read, it seems you were in contact with the OW, even when trying with your wife...THAT is still keeping the affair, atleast the emotional part of it, going. You were getting something (either feelings, or an ego feed) by keeping intouch with the OW through emails..Most go NC (no contact) when trying to reconcile with their spouse...

 

Seems too, the OW got tired of waiting around and has gone on with her life...Maybe it's best to let her go. If you two are meant to be, then somehow you'll find eachother again when the timing is right. Fix your own life before wandering to someone else..

[catbert]

Well.. My wife and I were shopping the other weekend.. looking at clothes, furniture etc all the junk people look at when browsing shops. When we wandered past the flatscreen TVs and stereos etc, I found myself wistfully thinking that if I were with the OW, she and I would be able to spend hours together looking at that stuff. Little things like that, which her and I have in common, and which my wife and I don't, is an example of something I miss - not that I ever really got to do that with the OW, but we would if we could!

[norajane]

In the meantime however, things at home have been pretty good lately - all things considered. But, I was reading some posts on here earlier about how many men just stick with marriages because they don't want to go through the divorce etc. I am worried that I'll just be sucked in to that line of thinking.

 

I have previously been sucked into thinking that "I love my wife, but I'm not "in love" with her". I think a more correct way of putting it is that I genuinely don't dislike her, and I genuinely care about her wellbeing, but I'm not sure that I actually do love her. I'm not sure if I ever did.

 

You're not doing your wife any favors by staying with her, you know. You think she can't find another man and needs you to stick around even though you don't love her?

 

And if you're being honest, you need to face the fact that you don't 'genuinely care about her well-being'. You were more honest when you said you 'don't dislike her'...you should have just stopped there.

Get a divorce and give your wife a chance to meet a man who can LOVE her without reservation.

 

Keeping your wife in the dark about your affair doesn't give her an opportunity to make an informed choice about her own life and marriage - that's very manipulative of you to hide information so you can make your own choices about the marriage, but she can't make hers.

[catbert]

"it seems you were in contact with the OW, even when trying with your wife...THAT is still keeping the affair, atleast the emotional part of it, going. You were getting something (either feelings, or an ego feed) by keeping intouch with the OW through emails..Most go NC (no contact) when trying to reconcile with their spouse" I have pretty much gone NC, but yes, there have been occasional instances of contact. Agreed, the emotional part of the affair is still going.

[catbert]

"You were more honest when you said you 'don't dislike her'...you should have just stopped there." lol. I saw that comment coming, I must say. Not quite sure why I put what I put. I was actually thinking "I don't want her to get hurt". Maybe only slightly better.

 

"very manipulative of you to hide information so you can make your own choices about the marriage, but she can't make hers" Understood. Like it or not I have the choice as to whether I admit to the affair or keep it a secret. There are reasons for doing either... The question I'm facing at the moment is whether I can actually live with this secret.

 

BTW - don't worry, I realize it's all very selfish of me. Thanks foryour thoughts tho..

[catbert]

"If you decide to divorce your wife, do it because you're miserable being married to her and it's best to be on your own." Certainly, and this is why I ended the affair. I didn't want a new relationship to come from an affair. The thing is I'm not miserable ... from what I've read on here today, lots of people stay because they're not miserable, but not necessarily because they're happy either.

[White Flower]

I have previously been sucked into thinking that "I love my wife, but I'm not "in love" with her". I think a more correct way of putting it is that I genuinely don't dislike her, and I genuinely care about her wellbeing, but I'm not sure that I actually do love her. I'm not sure if I ever did.

 

Cheers

Catbert.

 

Hi Catbert and welcome to LS.

 

You seem very sincere in your writing and very much in love with the OW. If you have no children, what is keeping you from D? Are you afraid of what family and friends will think? I really feel that most of the time this is the second reason MM stay in a loveless R other than the fact he doesn't want to hurt his W. OK, kids is usually the 2nd reason, and fear the 3rd, but you don't have kids.

 

You must ask yourself how you want to live out the rest of your life. Do you want a safe, mediocre, and caring R with your W (who is a bit controlling), or a passionate love you can share with the OW (who seems more easy going) once you were married to her? If it were me, and there were no kids, I would be out of there.

 

I'm also curious as to whether the financial security of your in-laws plays a part in your decision to stay with your W. How would you fare without their support?

[norajane]

I realize it's all very selfish of me...

 

...Certainly, and this is why I ended the affair. I didn't want a new relationship to come from an affair. The thing is I'm not miserable ... from what I've read on here today, lots of people stay because they're not miserable, but not necessarily because they're happy either.

 

As you said, you're selfish. So, since you don't love your wife, you must be getting something out of this marriage that is making you want to stay. Otherwise it would be an easy decision to leave.

 

What are you getting? Or, rather, what is it you don't want to lose by divorcing?

[HeartBrokenInNY]

Hi Catbert,

Who ended the A? What were the reasons? Was it hard to do?

Youve been M 4 1/2 yrs can i ask how long you have dated before getting married?

As some of the other posters have asked, I do want to know as well, since you don't have any kids, whats stopping you? Are you ok being just content because you don't dislike your wife but you don't want to hurt her? What do you miss about the OW?

[Can'tGiveUp]

Thank you for sharing. Except that my XMM had children, the rest sounds very familiar.

 

The decision to D from your spouse is a very difficult one. Like you said, you are comfortable. However, you no longer push boundaries. My guess is at some point you will start to push again (not necessarily in regard to an A, but likely just going out with your friend).

 

I left my XH and I am thankful for it every day. If I hadn't left him, I would never know how truly wonderful a R can be. I would have settled with OK most of the time and being unhappy for part of the time. BUT, it took many years to make the break.

 

We don't hear often from MM on the forum, but I will tell you that you have said many the same things that my XMM has. We have had 2 splits now, the first was 18 mos (after a R of 6 mos when he was separated), and we are now 10 mos since we ended the A. He told me that he thought of me all the time, that he missed being with me.

 

We also maintained contact during those first 18 mos...the occasional lunch, a few emails. We kept it fairly impersonal. No discussion of his life at home, or my dating failures. When we dropped that facade, we ended up in the A.

 

I guess I tell you all this because you are 7 mos into it...and before this I would have thought 7 mos would be more than enough time to get over anyone. I can tell you - after 18 mos my feelings were just as strong. Now at 10 mos, I am still a mess and not ready for another R. And from my last accidental meeting with him...well I could tell it took every ounce of his control not to hug me. He later confirmed that by email, and said had I been with anyone but the person I was with, then he would have.

 

Good luck.

[catbert]

is it the "fantasy" of a life without commitments? do you think that would have changed if time went on and she began to ask more of you?

 

I am not worried about regular "life" commitments like paying rent or paying a mortgage etc. Given the circumstances it might be a bit laughable for me to say that I'm fine with relationship commitments, but, that aside, I am fine with the idea of getting into a relationship with the OW, knowing that it was going to be permanent. Bearing in mind that I ended the affair earlier this year and broke 95% of contact with her in an attempt to make sure that if my marriage does end and a relationship with her does come about, it didn't start through an affair.

 

Hi Catbert and welcome to LS.

 

You seem very sincere in your writing and very much in love with the OW. If you have no children, what is keeping you from D? ... You must ask yourself how you want to live out the rest of your life. Do you want a safe, mediocre, and caring R with your W (who is a bit controlling), or a passionate love you can share with the OW (who seems more easy going) once you were married to her? If it were me, and there were no kids, I would be out of there.

 

I'm also curious as to whether the financial security of your in-laws plays a part in your decision to stay with your W. How would you fare without their support?

 

Hi Whiteflower, thanks for the kind welcome...

 

Very interesting post... what IS keeping me there? Comfort... fear... the fact that I'm not actually miserable, just not content (sorry for that how that's put - it sounds very selfish)... I guess selfishness is keeping me there. That is another reason why I ended the affair - it's somewhat easier to live with all this at the moment because at least (if nothing else) it's in the past, like, I'm not actually commiting adultery as we speak.

 

As for financial security, I would probably ALOT better off if I left my wife now, before her parents retire. Their business is losing money hand-over-fist because they are very bad at running it. One of the reasons I left was simply that my wife and I felt guilty with me being one of the highest paid people there and they just couldn't afford me. Having said that, my wife and I are in a very comfortable financial situation or our own making (another reason to stay put) and her parents would do everything they could to avoid bludging off us if things went tits-up for them.

 

As you said, you're selfish. So, since you don't love your wife, you must be getting something out of this marriage that is making you want to stay. Otherwise it would be an easy decision to leave.

 

What are you getting? Or, rather, what is it you don't want to lose by divorcing?

 

Bearing in mind that I'm selfish, there are all sorts of reasons. Life is good with my wife. She loves me (tho this makes it all the more difficult) and does everything around the house. i help out, but really she does much of it. I'm sorry that sounds so awful! I understand if you guys are reading this thinking I'm an immature pig - as I said, I've heard it all before.

 

Other things are that my wife has some lovely characteristics and would make a wonderful mother someday (yes, I can hear the doomsayers among you.. I KNOW and that's why I'm giving this due consideration before the kids come along!). I think of lyrics to a song (can't remember who by, but it's an angry chick in the OW's shoes) ... "I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother". The whole song suits the OW's perspective, really (even the rude bits).

 

Hi Catbert,

Who ended the A? What were the reasons? Was it hard to do?

Youve been M 4 1/2 yrs can i ask how long you have dated before getting married?

As some of the other posters have asked, I do want to know as well, since you don't have any kids, whats stopping you? Are you ok being just content because you don't dislike your wife but you don't want to hurt her? What do you miss about the OW?

 

Hi HeartBrokenInNY

I read many of your posts/threads and understand why you're asking... isn't it amazing when you discover that not only are you alone in experiencing pain, but you can also talk rationally to people on the other side of very similar situations. It is SO hard to explain something like what I'm going through to someone on the other side of it... I do understand, honestly! From my perspective, a MM in this situation can be so TORN!

 

I ended the affair because I knew it couldn't go on. My health was being affected by the stress of it all and I KNEW the affair was the least respectful thing I could be doing to everyone - the Wife, the OW and me. I said to the OW that I didn't want a relationship to come out of an affair, and that me ending my marriage would have to have nothing to do with her. I may be selfish, immature and messed up, but I have come to understand a few things.

 

I miss the OW's sense of humour, the way she 'gets' things (jokes etc) that my wife just doesn't get. I miss "how it is" when we are together - easy going, we like to do the same sorts of things etc. I miss the sex. I KNOW that our relationship would be very steamy - in a way that my marraige will never be. We are both adventurous and have the same ideas (ie we both have dirty minds, I suppose.) I "miss" the plans we had for our relationship - ie things that didn't actually happen yet, but would have.

 

I read on here someone saying that opposites are what make good chemistry .. sharing new hobbies etc that you didn't have before you met the SO. That has also got me wondering about whether leaving to be with the OW is a good idea or not.

 

Thank you for sharing. Except that my XMM had children, the rest sounds very familiar.

 

The decision to D from your spouse is a very difficult one. Like you said, you are comfortable. However, you no longer push boundaries. My guess is at some point you will start to push again (not necessarily in regard to an A, but likely just going out with your friend).

 

I left my XH and I am thankful for it every day. If I hadn't left him, I would never know how truly wonderful a R can be. I would have settled with OK most of the time and being unhappy for part of the time. BUT, it took many years to make the break.

 

We don't hear often from MM on the forum, but I will tell you that you have said many the same things that my XMM has. We have had 2 splits now, the first was 18 mos (after a R of 6 mos when he was separated), and we are now 10 mos since we ended the A. He told me that he thought of me all the time, that he missed being with me.

 

We also maintained contact during those first 18 mos...the occasional lunch, a few emails. We kept it fairly impersonal. No discussion of his life at home, or my dating failures. When we dropped that facade, we ended up in the A.

 

I guess I tell you all this because you are 7 mos into it...and before this I would have thought 7 mos would be more than enough time to get over anyone. I can tell you - after 18 mos my feelings were just as strong. Now at 10 mos, I am still a mess and not ready for another R. And from my last accidental meeting with him...well I could tell it took every ounce of his control not to hug me. He later confirmed that by email, and said had I been with anyone but the person I was with, then he would have.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for your reply.. I'm a bit confused about the timeline of events in your situation, even after having read some of your posts. ..? Re. the number of months, I'm not sure how long to wait.. if I want to wait much longer and risk missing out on the OW etc etc.

[Can'tGiveUp]

Thanks for your reply.. I'm a bit confused about the timeline of events in your situation, even after having read some of your posts. ..? Re. the number of months, I'm not sure how long to wait.. if I want to wait much longer and risk missing out on the OW etc etc.

 

 

Developed friendship summer 2004 when we were both separated

Started dating in the fall of 2004

He reconciled with W in Apr/May 2005 (first break up)

We maintained sporadic communication from then until late summer 2006 when we came "clean" with our feelings.

A began in Sep and ended in Dec/06

 

Which isn't to say anyone else would be around that long. I did date in between, and did not just sit around pining for him. Also, for what it is worth, I have read that the break up of the first relationship after separating/divorcing is often more difficult than the break up of the marriage.

 

And while I would do the same thing again, under exactly the same circumstances, I would not begin an A with him now. He would have to be out of that M completely before I would let him back into my life...not that I think that would happen. I believe he will continue his life in a mediocre M all in the name of keeping his family together.

[White Flower]

Other things are that my wife has some lovely characteristics and would make a wonderful mother someday (yes, I can hear the doomsayers among you.. I KNOW and that's why I'm giving this due consideration before the kids come along!). I think of lyrics to a song (can't remember who by, but it's an angry chick in the OW's shoes) ... "I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother". The whole song suits the OW's perspective, really (even the rude bits).

 

The song is You Oughtta Know by Alanis Morrissette.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not sure what your question is.

 

It seems a fairly straightforward choice that you have before you... You don't love your wife, but you're perfectly comfortable mooching off her. So the answer is obvious... go mooch off somebody else you CAN love. Simple.

 

There's absolutely no reason why you couldn't have left the marriage to be with the OW, at least none that you've posted here. And you're certainly not in a state of NC with her. NC means NO CONTACT.... as in none. Your affair is still ongoing until you've relinquished the affair partner altogether. The emotional ties must be severed as well. Clearly, you're holding onto this for some reason. Possibly, it represents some sort of drama for you, but only you would know what 'the payoff' is.

 

For all intents and purposes, your affair is still unresolved though. So why not just go and be with your affair partner?

I mean seriously, if it's just about having somebody to pick up after you and split the tab with... she cheated with you. It takes a fair amount of desperation to hold one's nose and ignore the fact that he's married to someone else. I think if it's a matter of concern that somebody else is picking up your used drawers off the floor or paying half the bills... she's probably a fairly safe bet.

 

Norajane's right. You're not doing your wife any favors. You are an obstacle in her path, preventing her from finding true happiness and acceptance with someone else.

[cj1988]

Your honesty is appreicated from all of us, but I can tell you from your W point of you, just leave her. But, please be prepared to have feelings come over you that you never felt you had for your W after she is NO LONGER yours. I am in the same position as your W. I bekieve that my H is just there so to speak and has feelings for someone he CANNOT have so he stays with me. I do everything, he does nothing.....I work, take care of kids, house, dogs etc....he works, drinks, hangs out with his buddy and comes home when he feels like it to f---- me !

 

Well, I am making the choice for him, he is OUT OF HERE, MY choice now, not his. We have been together 13 years and enough is enough. I am not even mad anymore, just embarassed I have stayed with DUMB a--- this long. Sorry, but your W and I both deserve better and you will be the one regretting it when you find your GUILT is your only real friend !

[catbert]

Your honesty is appreicated from all of us, but I can tell you from your W point of you, just leave her.

 

Thanks for your reply..

 

I have read a few pages from mattym's posts (there's 52 pages in all) and the advice to him so far is to stay (although understandably the BS's tell him to go). Mattym has kids... Am I right in thinking that people are saying to me to just leave, and that that's ok (selfishly/rightly/wrongly .. whatever) mainly because kids are not involved?

 

The general consensus on another forum I posted on was that I needed to tell my wife as well, some suggested that I should do that whether I stayed or not. Any thoughts on this?

[cj1988]

I will tell you that I wish he would come clean and tell me all of it, what happened and why, especailly WHY? That way we can both move on and have closure, but I know he will never do that, because that means I was right and he is the bad guy. You have to remember he has prtested his innocence for a year now.

 

Similar to your words, although we are or were trying to reconcile, he has never been the same since she came into the picture. I think that like you he misses her and thinks of her a lot etc....the only reason I think he did not leave me is because he can never have her (long weird story, you have to read my sad threads) if she had been an available non related woman he would have left me for her in a heart beat ! So, that is WHY I am telling you to leave her, it is torture being with someone you love and you can FEEL that they are not IN LOVE with you.

 

All I can tell you that is positive is that she will be fine without you. She will not think that in the beginning, but she will. Now you on the other hand will not . You will realize what you have done and how horrible it was to cheat on your W, you will go through hard times within yourself because of how you have handled it all.

 

Tell her about the A if you want to, but WHY now, just tell her you are not in love and SHE deserves a better life and you are not worthy (sorry, but true) You have to remember that these feelings for this OW is just infatuation and that will change as well. We always what we do not have instead wanting what we do have.

 

I love my H for some reason, should not, but I love myself more. I know he has a hard road ahead of him, he does love me, but not problem anymore. I have to look out for me now and take care of me.....he can roll around in his pissed life all he wants, but he will not drag me down with him !

[frannie]

... I went and stayed with some friends (people who are mother and father figures in my life) for a few days and tried to sort myself out. They helped me see that she's got a controlling streak, like her mother. They wondered how I was going to get on, being married to her, and reminded me about how they asked me about it at the time, and how I just seemed to want to get married - I couldn't see past that at the time.

 

She has told me she "hates" that guy [my friend], which makes it hard because he is just about the only person I want to spend time with apart from the OW.

 

She's very jealous of anything and anyone who takes my time away from her.

 

I don't tend to push things much. I've always been happy to just come home and live a quiet life...It was only while the affair was in full swing that I was pushing boundaries at all. Even then it was only that I'd be late home... Just stealing time here and there...

 

I'll never forget how devastated my wife was when she thought it was going to be over last year.

 

Things at home have calmed down alot, but only because I have stopped pushing those boundaries.

 

I'm still not very good at telling her how I feel.

 

I also tend to avoid confrontation at all costs.

 

Before the affair started I denied my wife's suspicions...I also denied it to her parents... from the looks I got from my wife and MIL... very angry looks from the MIL... it was the straw that broke my back. It was soon afterwards that the affair started.

 

Something I'm struggling with is whether these things are simply excuses that only people in movies are allowed to use, or if they're valid in real life.

 

I was reading some posts on here earlier about how many men just stick with marriages because they don't want to go through the divorce etc. I am worried that I'll just be sucked in to that line of thinking.

 

I genuinely don't dislike her, and I genuinely care about her wellbeing, but I'm not sure that I actually do love her. I'm not sure that I ever did.

 

Hello catbert, I hope you don't mind but I've taken some quotes that I wanted to concentrate on from your initial post... I've switched a couple of sentences out of the order you initially wrote them in too. Hopefully not too much, but it's because I wanted to get to the nitty gritty of what I think your post said to me.

 

So, the way I see it is you have two people here, you and your W, who are in a relationship. You (and your 'parent figure' friends) have identified some of her controlling behaviour: black looks, jealousy, disapproving of your friends. You have also identified some of your behaviour, and I've highlighted some of it by quoting above: avoiding confrontation, telling (indirect) lies, going behind her back, avoiding 'pushing boundaries', avoiding telling her how you feel, accepting anything for 'a quiet life'.

 

Between the two of your behaviours here it's no wonder to me that things are in the mess they are in. You say you are not sure you ever loved her, and I can understand how you can feel that at the moment. I can also understand how life could look a lot better if you were with your OW. You see your OW as someone who shares your values and interests, someone who would stop and look at the widescreen TVs with you, after you've indulged her interests in furniture (well this is merging your W and OW here... but you get the point). But also someone who rather than complain actually did what you asked when you were pushed at work... she co-operated, rather than give you black looks.

 

The way I see it, you feel more or less positive about life with your OW (as opposed to life with your W) because you think that there would be no difficult situations to avoid with your OW, after all you have so much in common. You would not have to push boundaries, hide your feelings, lie, or feel controlled with your OW.

 

Now that might be the case (or it might not). But there's another way of dealing with your situation. You could take a close look at your behaviour, not only the affair, but all your withdrawal... and see if there are not better ways of relating to your W. You could be honest with her. You could try telling her how you feel. You could go for IC to help you to negotiate, compromise, and lose your fear of confrontation. You could ask your W if she would do the same, or try MC to see if the two of your could develop better ways of communicating.

 

Love could grow when you both feel safe to be who you are, and be loved by the other. Or it might not work, and at that point you could decide to divorce. Either way you would have learnt something about yourself, and hopefully learnt how to be true to yourself and unafraid of the consequences of that.

 

One final thing, connected to this being true to yourself. You said you weren't sure whether "these things" you were thinking and feelilng were valid, or were only used by people in movies. Yes, catbert they're valid because they're your feelings and thoughts. You can divorce your W if you like, if you want to, if its what you need. Whether or not other people think that's 'valid' or not shouldn't worry you.

 

At the moment catbert you have no children. You owe it to yourself to do what is good for you. Yes, your W might cry, she might be "devastated"... but isn't that better than living with someone who can't even tell her how he feels, and can't be honest with her..? You owe it to both of you to be honest, and be strong, whatever the outcome.

 

JMHO and good luck.

[Faith4u]

Hello there

 

I think you are in love with idea of the OW because she brings all that you are missing out within your actual relationship.

 

You said you thought and you think about her a lot, I think it is normal because you are imagining all that you enjoy with her and that you do not have today with your wife but NOBODY is perfect and when you decide to be with the OW you will see other (-) in that person and things that you might miss from your previous wife.

 

I think you should focus on you and your wife that is if you love her in general. The fact that you are in love with her or not is difficult to access at this point because you are emotionally and was physically involved with another woman so... how can you really tell when you are in the arms of 2 women?

 

I live a somehow similar situation (when you look at the bottom line of it) and I need to follow the advice that I am giving you. Actually, I have started and that is what matters for now.

 

Wish you best - it is not an easy one- if you care about your life with your wife hold on to what you have and try to fix it- if it doesn't work than moove on and get a divorce so you can freely be with another woman. It is that simple ( at that complecated when you think of it).

 

take care

I have posted this story elsewhere and collected thoughts from people .. and have just today had a look and found this forum, and I would like to gather food for thought from the good people here as well. I am particularly hoping sarme will read this as our situations don't look too dis-similar, although we're on opposite ends of things. The following text is pasted in, with a little bit of editing, from somewhere else.. sorry if bits of it don't make sense.

 

>>

I am one who has done the cheating. It started in April 06 and I ended it in March 07. My wife always suspected it was going on, but I remained evasive on the subject and managed not to admit anything and to not have to tell outright lies by denying it.

 

My wife and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and have no kids. In July 06 I gave her the "I'm not happy" and "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" speeches. I went and stayed with some friends (people who are mother and father figures in my life) for a few days and tried to sort myself out. They helped me see that she's got a controlling streak, like her mother. They wondered how I was going to get on, being married to her, and reminded me about how they asked me about it at the time, and how I just seemed to want to get married - I couldn't see past that at the time. I also tend to avoid confrontation at all costs.

 

She's very jealous of anything and anyone who takes my time away from her, but because of the trouble over the last year, she a lot better these days. That said, I don't tend to push things much. I've always been happy to just come home and live a quiet life (even before I was married). It was only while the affair was in full swing that I was pushing boundaries at all. Even then it was only that I'd be late home (by maybe 20 minutes a few times a week) at night, would leave early sometimes to go to work etc. Just stealing time here and there to have a few minutes with the other woman. My lunchtimes were my own, so that was usually the most mischievous time of my day.

 

We have got through that part of it, since I started to snap in July 06, and are back to a fairly harmonious life. The only problem is that I'm still not very good at telling her how I feel (ok ok, I know this is a big issue, so people don't need to go over the top pointing it out! and so I don't really feel like I've gotten far in the last six months. In fact, I have thought about the other woman EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY during that time.

 

I'll never forget how devastated my wife was when she thought it was going to be over last year. There are lists of reasons why I think I'd be happier and better off with the other woman - we're best friends, compared to my wife and I, who are very close acquaintances (if you get the distinction), we're sexually compatible (and I suspect that if we were in a relationship we wouldn't lose that after the honeymoon phase wore off, but I am worried about that phenomenon), among others. Something I'm struggling with is whether these things are simply excuses that only people in movies are allowed to use, or if they're valid in real life.

 

Totally coincidentally I actually knew the OW from about 7 years beforehand when she hung out at my flat quite a bit. I had nothing to do with her back then, but there was an instant connection when we met more recently - mainly in that we already knew each other.

 

I worked for my wife's parents for about three years. About halfway through that they bought another company and moved everything into the same location. The OW worked for the new company.

 

We got on like a house on fire for a long time while working there and there were rumours about us from time to time. She moved away to another city, following her boyfriend at the time, but came back, and came back to the same job about 5 months later. Still, there was nothing going on at that time.

 

Before the affair started I denied my wife's suspicions. She obviously felt threatened by the OW, and the 'good mates' kind of friendship we had. I can kind of understand where she was coming from, but it irritated me. I also denied it to her parents when they confronted me about it when they were considering rehiring the OW. NOTHING was happening and I was definitely not intending for anything to happen at that stage, so there was no problem.

 

It was a stressful working environment for various reasons, so we got to deal with each other in many different and varied moods. For this reason I believe that in a "relationship" context (ie. where you see more sides to the other person than people who are just dating) we have done some very hard yards, and would quite likely last the distance if we were together. We worked together for a total of about 2 years.

 

My in-laws, my wife, the OW, a few others and myself were doing a stocktake one weekend. I found myself in charge of telling people what to do. I clearly remember two occasions where I gave my wife and her mother particular tasks, which they didn't really want to do, while I got on with the stocktake. The (STB)OW showed up to work just after I had dished out the tasks to the others, and as she was the most useful person there, I got her to help me. Far out... from the looks I got from my wife and MIL, you'd have thought I had have asked them to eat vacuum cleaner dust, while giving the OW a 'good' job. There was even a heated, whispered exchange between me and my wife over it, and very angry looks from the MIL (like a teenager gives someone 'evils').

 

This all set a great tone for the rest of the day. And it was the straw that broke my back. It was soon afterwards that the affair started. I'm not trying to lay blame on other people - I do accept responsibility for what I've done, but it *was* a two way street to some degree.

 

The OW and I both decided to get different jobs. Her because she was sick of it there (apart from the perks) and me for the same reason. We got different jobs a few months apart, and now work a couple of minutes walk away from each other's workplace.

 

At the start things at home were very tense because I started staying out late (only a few times over a couple of months, but that was enough). At least 3/4 of the time it was perfectly innocent (I was with a male friend of mine) and my wife did not know I was with the OW the other 1/4 - she may have suspected, I'm not being naive about that.

 

I ended the affair a couple of months after I started my new job, and, like I've said, still think about the OW alot. We had NO contact for two solid months, had a few lunches together, and then nothing for a while again, and have only now just started exchanging the odd email.

 

Things at home have calmed down alot, but only because I have stopped pushing those boundaries. The friend from the previous paragraph was with me when I went away to stay with other friends. I appreciate that that was a difficult time for her. She has told me she "hates" that guy, which makes it hard because he is just about the only person I want to spend time with apart from the OW, when I'm taking the little time I ever take to not either be at work or with my wife.

 

>>

 

 

I am now seven months along from breaking off contact with the OW. Although, I have seen her briefly two or three times, and exchanged non-intimate emails with her off and on as well. I have found that I do really miss her.

 

I found out that she went on holiday last week to pursue a possible relationship with someone from another city. I think she'll be back at work today (we don't work in the same place anymore). As yet I have no idea how it worked out. I suppose if it does work out she'll move there. I fing myself being a little jealous about the idea of her meeting someone else and the possibility of me missing out on being with her.

 

In the meantime however, things at home have been pretty good lately - all things considered. But, I was reading some posts on here earlier about how many men just stick with marriages because they don't want to go through the divorce etc. I am worried that I'll just be sucked in to that line of thinking.

 

I have previously been sucked into thinking that "I love my wife, but I'm not "in love" with her". I think a more correct way of putting it is that I genuinely don't dislike her, and I genuinely care about her wellbeing, but I'm not sure that I actually do love her. I'm not sure if I ever did.

 

Thanks in advance to people who post messages in reply to this. Don't bother flaming me, I've heard it all before! I hope people will appreciate that I am taking this seriously.

 

Cheers

Catbert.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife deserves to know the truth. See, you've had the affair, and still are in the emotional part of it...Your needs are being met, ego being fed...Your wife is clueless that you've been deceiving her, living a lie right under her nose. Seems to me that you don't want to fess up to her because then YOU will suffer consquences.

[norajane]

Thanks for your reply..

 

I have read a few pages from mattym's posts (there's 52 pages in all) and the advice to him so far is to stay (although understandably the BS's tell him to go). Mattym has kids... Am I right in thinking that people are saying to me to just leave, and that that's ok (selfishly/rightly/wrongly .. whatever) mainly because kids are not involved?

 

The general consensus on another forum I posted on was that I needed to tell my wife as well, some suggested that I should do that whether I stayed or not. Any thoughts on this?

 

I'm telling you to leave because you don't love your wife, you've already cheated on her, you've already created distance by deceiving her, and you don't seem to want to do anything to work on your marriage (like TALKING to your wife about your marital issues and trying to resolve them with her).

 

I'm telling you to leave because your wife deserves better - she deserves the chance to be with someone who does love her instead of a man who uses her as his housekeeper.

 

If you had kids, I'd tell you the same thing.

 

And yes, you need to tell your wife about the affair AND that you don't love her. She needs to have complete information about her marriage and the man she's married to so she can make informed choices about her own life.

[whichwayisup]

And yes, you need to tell your wife about the affair AND that you don't love her. She needs to have complete information about her marriage and the man she's married to so she can make informed choices about her own life.

 

He won't tell her because he doesn't want to live through the consquences of his actions or take full responsibility for his choices. I think he's scared of facing his wife and all that the fallout that follows after admitting about the affair.