Resisting temptation...

[indianlover]

Any advice? I find myself in a situation that I've really fallen for this guy and vice versa - besides being married he's also twice my age. We are currently just friends (no benefits) but the temptation aspect of our relationship is hard on both of us. The situation really has been eating away at my sleep and his too. He's never cheated on his wife before because he's a serious workaholic (that's how we met - we're both workaholics). I had a long-term boyfriend cheat on me and was an emotional wreak for most of a year. So I don't like the prospect of being the OW. Is there a way to cool things off? Should we cool off or should we just go for it?

[whichwayisup]

Okay, you know the pain that goes with cheating as you've been the betrayed partner. WHY ON EARTH would you even consider helping this married man cheat on his wife??? Why be an enabler? You WILL be the OW, he won't leave his wife for you. He's older, and probably been married a long time...I bet he has kids too. Something else to think about.

 

Be honest. Tell him that you will NOT help him cheat on his wife! That you won't settle to be the OW.

 

Yes, then you need to back off and have space from him because you two cannot be 'friends' with the feelings flying around.

 

He isn't your 'real, true' friend, if he was, you two never would have crossed the lines and be thinking affair.

[indianlover]

Okay, you know the pain that goes with cheating as you've been the betrayed partner. WHY ON EARTH would you even consider helping this married man cheat on his wife??? Why be an enabler? You WILL be the OW, he won't leave his wife for you. He's older, and probably been married a long time...I bet he has kids too. Something else to think about.

 

Be honest. Tell him that you will NOT help him cheat on his wife! That you won't settle to be the OW.

 

Yes, then you need to back off and have space from him because you two cannot be 'friends' with the feelings flying around.

 

He isn't your 'real, true' friend, if he was, you two never would have crossed the lines and be thinking affair.

 

You're right - he has kids, but they are around my age - out of the house. In fact he seriously wanted to introduce me to his son - but I thought that was a little messed up. He has already said he hasn't left his wife because he doesn't want to lose half his money in divorce. So I know that he's not leaving. Luckily there is space between us - we live in different cities. Problem is he travels a lot to my city for business. Part of the attraction is that he teaches me a lot about the world. I don't want to lose that aspect of our relationship.

[head.heart& hand]

You can be friends with this man for years to come or you can begin a relationship that WILL eventually lead to pain, betrayal, deception, guilt, etc... Enjoy each other yet don't cross the line. Just knowing that he is likely feeling the same is a compliment ( so go ahead and feel flattered) BUT dont admit the attraction openly or the floodgates will open. Its tempting yet--be strong and pass!

[nadiaj2727]

OMG indianlover, your story could be mine about 8 months ago. Please DON'T do it. I did it and now I am on this forum crying about how difficult it is to end it and how stupid I was to have gotten involved in the beginning. I fell for a man who is almost twice my age. He is married but hasn't been in love with his wife of 15 years for a long time (he says he never really was). He said they were separated pending divorce, and that he had these amazing feelings for me. I thought we were soulmates. I connected with him on a level I had never connected with anyone else before in my life. He was everything I wanted, except he was married... and, pending mutual divorce, I thought!... and I didn't want to let that get in the way of this great once-in-a-lifetime thing.

 

Now I find out that what was actually happening is that I was becoming his Other Woman. My story felt so unique and happy and amazing, yet it was no different than everyone else's on this Board. He is married, I am his Other Woman, and I never intended nor wanted to be the Other Woman... I wanted to be *his* one and only woman. Even if it just starts out as a wannabe fling, or an emotional connection, or curiosity... if you give in, eventually you'll realize it's just another man trying to have his cake and eat it too. People will get hurt, including yourself. I feel guilty, ashamed, betrayed, and like my fairy tale turned into a horrible dream. Please do NOT do this. Feel free to send me an email if you would like to talk to someone because I have been there, done that, and learned *so* many lessons.

[indianlover]

BUT dont admit the attraction openly or the floodgates will open. Its tempting yet--be strong and pass!

 

Too late for that - we got a little drunk one night at his place (he doesn't live at home - long story) and made out. I stopped him and didn't let it go any further. That is how I found out we weren't just innocently flirting. He also put the brakes on our relationship - avoided situations where we would be alone. Recently he's dropped hints that he wants more - he's visiting me for a long weekend in a city closeby knowing very well if I was to visit him I would have to stay at his place or go home early.

[indianlover]

OMG indianlover, your story could be mine about 8 months ago. Please DON'T do it. I did it and now I am on this forum crying about how difficult it is to end it and how stupid I was to have gotten involved in the beginning. I fell for a man who is almost twice my age. He is married but hasn't been in love with his wife of 15 years for a long time (he says he never really was). He said they were separated pending divorce, and that he had these amazing feelings for me. I thought we were soulmates. I connected with him on a level I had never connected with anyone else before in my life. He was everything I wanted, except he was married... and, pending mutual divorce, I thought!... and I didn't want to let that get in the way of this great once-in-a-lifetime thing.

 

I totally hear you. This guy had an arranged marriage a long time ago - so I'm not sure if he ever loved his wife which is sad. I'm the first woman he's ever fallen for because he never dated anyone before his marriage. He is everything my long time cheating ex wasn't. But like you (and my mother) has said - these things can be games. Thats what HE tells you - you can't be so sure thats what the truth is.

 

Even if we don't take it further than where its gone I still feel that we have crossed a line and our relationship is inappropriate. We became very close and as a result I know as much about him and his habits as a girlfriend knows about her boyfriend. Definitely emotional cheating on his part...so what about that - do I need to step back even further?

[nadiaj2727]

Oh, one more thing. You said: "Part of the attraction is that he teaches me a lot about the world. I don't want to lose that aspect of our relationship." If you give into the tempation to hook up with him, you WILL eventually lose that aspect of your relationship, because sooner or later your fling or relationship or whatever you two develop will come to a screeching halt. (You said yourself you know he won't leave his wife. Are you going to want to be the other woman forever? Of course not. So what will happen to him "teaching you about the world" when you decide you can no longer see him and that requires no contact?)

 

If I sound harsh, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help you focus on the long-term consequences of giving into this temptation, instead of getting lost in the heat of the moment. I *really* *really* wish I would have done that myself.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I work together and he is much more senior than I. I was new, inexperienced, and confused... I felt like a lost sheep until he came along and helped point out the way in so many area. He became my mentor and I admired him and wanted to be just like him in my career. Therefore a big part of my attraction to him was that he taught me *so* much about my job and how to do it best and he lifted the secret veil on what everyone "higher up" was expecting from the newbies.

 

You know what? If I had known that I would experience all these ups and downs and highs and lows from being with him, that I would be enabling him to cheat on his wife -- as another poster put it -- and that it would hurt like hell to get out of it all and start over as a better person -- I would have lost that aspect of my relationship with him in a minute. For one thing, it wasn't a real mentorship, as he was only doing it based on his attraction to me, which makes me feel like Evita now. For another thing, it's impossible to salvage that great professional relationship now that we've screwed it up by having a physical/ emotional relationship we shouldn't have entered into until he was divorced (if at all). For another thing, it just wasn't worth it, I could have found another mentor or figured it out by myself along the way. Starting a life of hiding, secrecy, lies, duplicity, cheating, chaos, and drama is just NOT worth any other "aspect" of the relationship.

 

It's empowering now to realize that I don't actually NEED him to help me with work or any other area of my life. I think I formed a co-dependent relationship with him. While I appreciate all he did to help me in my career, I realize that I'm smart and ambitious enough to have learned it all on my own (which is how it should have been, if the option was that, or learning all about the company from a guy I was sleeping with who wasn't supposed to be telling me such inside things). You can also learn all about the world on your own. Do things to make your life more exciting, adventurous and fulfilling on your OWN, without the help of a married and much older man (who, BELIEVE me, has lived long enough to know what to say to a woman and what to teach her about the world to make her fall for him). Another good reason is that when you find that awesome SINGLE guy who knows a thing or two about the world, you'll be available to learn things from him and teach him some things you've learned, instead of being bogged down in an unhappy and immoral (not to be preachy, but it will make you feel super guilty and sleazy) relationship with the wrong guy.

 

Best wishes. ~Nadia

[nadiaj2727]

But like you (and my mother) has said - these things can be games. Thats what HE tells you - you can't be so sure thats what the truth is.

Your mother took the words right out of my mouth (or, the thought right out of my head as I was reading what you wrote about him never dating, blah blah blah. At first I believed everything my boyfriend told me -- he'd never felt this way about ANYONE before, his feelings were so unique and incredible, he has never cheated on his wife before, he and his wife were never compatible, she treats him terribly, he thinks cheating is wrong, etc. It was easier to believe in my case because he said they were getting a divorce.

 

But as time went on and he STILL hasn't filed for the divorce he says he's wanted since he got married 15 years ago, I realize exactly what your mom said -- there are two sides to every story, and how do I know he isn't lying to both me AND her? I began to question things, and when I found this forum, someone said "believe NOTHING that you hear, and half of what you see." And I've really started to believe in "actions speak louder than words." He doesn't believe in cheating? Then why is he cheating?? He's separated pending mutual divorce? Then why do we have to sneak around and he can't tell her he's seeing someone? That's hardly "separated"! If I had been paying attention to what I SAW, instead of believing what he SAID b/c I was so F-in' in love with him, I would not have easily been so fooled. (Ex: I didn't know he was married when I first met him b/c he never wore a wedding ring. Then his wife came to the office (after I knew he was married, before we started seeing each other) and suddenly he was wearing his wedding ring! Whether or not they were separated in HIS head, they obviously were still very married in her head, and he was letting her go on believing that, by presenting himself one way at work and one way when she was around. And this is the sleazebucket I fell in love with because I was convinced he was someone completely different. Now he no longer wears his wedding ring whether or not she is around, but she still wears hers.)

 

Anyway you are being very smart to focus on the REALITY of the situation and not get caught up in a fantasy. That's how they get us. It might not seem so now, but there is NOTHING romantic or exciting about being with a married man. It seems that way at first, but it's really emotionally and spiritually draining. It will make you depressed and lower your self esteem. Don't believe anything you hear from someone who is trying to cheat on his wife. I understand that there are cultural concerns here... it was an arranged marriage... yet he makes the choice to stay in it, for whatever personal reason, and that means he CANNOT have his cake and eat it too. Don't let him!!!!

 

Definitely emotional cheating on his part...so what about that - do I need to step back even further?

 

YES, step way back, just leave him alone completely. Don't be his sounding board for his emotional problems. The fact that he was in an arranged marriage and now can't leave his wife b/c he'll lose half his money (what a shallow reason! Do you WANT a man like this? Do you even want a FRIEND like this?!) is NOT your problem, it's his. He is using you to feel better about his own life. The same thing happened to me. I think you should find a guy who already feels great about his life, and is eager to share it with you and only you, and who won't, 20 years down the road, start complaining about why he has to stay with you to some other, younger woman. My advice is to run far, far away for your own sake. Think of yourself and what you really want in a man and out of life. I really don't think you'll find it with this guy. He doesn't need a friend, he needs a therapist.

[indianlover]

(Ex: I didn't know he was married when I first met him b/c he never wore a wedding ring. Then his wife came to the office (after I knew he was married, before we started seeing each other) and suddenly he was wearing his wedding ring!

 

Funny thing about those wedding rings...I had a feeling things between us weren't kosher and I told a friend of mine if his wedding ring comes off his intentions are no good. The night he cooked me dinner and we made out the first thing I noticed when he answered the door was his missing wedding ring. From then on whenever we went out his wedding ring was mysteriously missing. My husband is going to get a ring TATOO-ed to his finger if I have anything to say about it.

 

He doesn't need a friend, he needs a therapist.

 

I definitely agree with you on that point - he needs to re-evaluate his life. He works himself crazy - 6 or 7 days a week 7am to 10pm and doesn't ever take vacation. His dad died a few years ago and I think much of this unbalance probably tied to unhappiness in his personal life surfaced then. Funny thing actually he was a psychiatrist before moving up in the world of business...real healthy...

[White Flower]

Besides causing pain for the W, you will cause so much pain for yourself. He is NOT going to leave if he wants to save face within his culture. Think about your emotional well-being.

[Shades of Grey]

Hon, it sounds as though you have really strong feelings for this man and in some way you are hoping that someone here will tell you it's ok to follow your heart.

 

There are many many OW's and XOW's on here on love shack. Some of them are in amazing (albeit illicit) loving relationships with MM, some trying hard to get over theirs after the realization that it will never be and some finally manging to move on, yet i'm certain that not one of them would encourage you to pursue this relationship. This speaks volumes about the reality of affairs dont you think?

 

It might seem right now like you can't back off, you might convince yourself that no harm can come of it and you'll be able to walk away if need be but sooner or later you'll find yourself wanting more and by the sounds of it he will never give it. He probably doesn't love his wife, you might well be the only person he has fallen for throughout his marriage but despite these things he's said he isn't going anywhere and thats the reality!

 

It might be painful now to back off and let him go but it will be nothing compared to the pain that you will undoubtedly go through in months, even years time when you realise that he will never leave his wife and you've wasted your precious youth on someone who probably loves you - but not enough.

 

You may have already crossed a line but it's not too late to step right back. Tell him you can only ever be friends, avoid any sitaution where temptation is strong, go out and depend on your other friends. Most of all don't lean on him. There are many people who can teach you about the world - who won't crush your view of the world at the same time.

 

Take care x