feckless37 Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Hi I'm new to posting on forums but feel so desparate about what i happening to me i need to write and share. Three weeks ago my wife of 12 1/2 years lied to me to spend a night with another man she met a few weeks before on a night out. It didn't feel right to me and i checked her phone when she returned the next day and she hadn't removed the evidence. Obviously i was upset, but talked with her calmly, reassuring her i was not angry, i wanted to put it behined us and move forward, maybe we should return to councilling and make our marriage better. However quickly she decided she had to leave the relationship. She said she wasn't the woman i wanted her to be and never could be. She said we have been around this cycle before and if we tried again she would just end up hurting me more and i didn't deserve that. For a week i tried to convince her not to leave but as soon as she felt it was too much she would leave the house and come back at 3am. She wouldn't tell me where she had been. After a few days of this she announced she had to move out and left. Once she had gone her hostility to the marriage increased and then she said she wanted a separation and to out of our unequal relationship and to be happy. I was desparate, i didn't know what to do, everyone had advice, talk to solicitors, treat her mean, but i can only be myself. Even if that isn't good enough. For a week we paid for her to stay in a hotel, but we couldn't afford more than that. Now She was sorted a room somewhere else. She won't tell me where she is and comes to see the children most days. I cook dinner she eats, sits with the kids, talks to me about work and new higher paid jobs she is looking for and then leaves. If i make her angry while she is here, then when she leaves i am desparate because i really miss her and want her to come home. If she is nice to me when she leaves i am desparate because i cant understand why she has to leave. I miss her so much, it hurts. I know i cannot change her mind, we are both going to councilling. I am trying my best to leave her alone in the hope she will see possibility of getting back together. In our first session she said there was no hope for our marriage we had been trying for years and it just isn't working. Now, I don't know where she is, i don't know if she is still seeing that other man, i think that she has any intension of coming back to me. She misses the children and want to be with them but not me. She still comes around most days and will come whenever i need her to sort the kids out. It is so hard, we had a good loving relationship and were each others best friends too, but a switch seems to have been pressed in her and instantly all those feeling have gone. I hate to see the kids going through this and am really not handling it very well, though i hope the councilling will help anyway whatever the outcome. This is one ride i just want to get off now. I hate it, i just want her back, not as things were, not the relationship, i want her back, i miss her. She is beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, sensitive, confident, funny and sexy, i don't know if i will ever get over her. She was my first love and has been there for me for most of my life.
alwayshurt Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I am sorry man. It really sucks. I have been there, I was once married and she cheated on me knowing that I knew it. She also tried, and did for a while, to move out. Eventually she came back. Our relationship was never the same and eeventually we divorced, started by me and she was so hurt she came after me for almost one year before completely giving up. Now back to you...I think you are making a big mistake by showing her your weakness if you are without her. As hard as it can be, you need to let her go and always say "if this is what you want it is fine for me". Don't call her when you need her. Just "pretend" that you're fine without her. She needs to see the man that is in you no the wussie side. I know it is hard but it is the only chance you've got. In the mean time, try to move on little by little because nothing is guaranteed and she may not come back at all. 12 years is a long time and lots of memories are there.She will eventually see those things and may reconsider. Right nw she is blinded becuase she is with that guy (I am sorry man but she is with the a**hole). You need to become the man she has never seen in you. My question to you: do you really want to consider to be with somebody the cheated you like that? My wishes to you is that you move on and send her to hell when she will knock back to your door. Be strong!
Pentula77 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 For a start stop cooking dinner for her, she doesn't deserve it...she cheated on you and you reward her with this ? Take her off the pedastal and start paying attention to your needs.
Author feckless37 Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Thanks for the advice, I know that is true and i know that is what I should have been doing. But it is very hard. Our relationship has been based on me putting her on a pedastal for some time. And maybe she didn't really like being up there. I will try to me stronger, not just for me, but for the kids too. They don't want to see me breaking down in front of them. I am going to go away this weekend and leave her with them here, try to put some of these feeling behined me. Meanwhile i am going to stop cooking for her starting today. I need to get some of my self esteme back that she seems to have stolen to bolster hers. Thanks again.
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