redfathom Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Hi All, I know this topic has been brought up several times by several posters. I am 25 and have been married for 7 years, my H is 30. We have been having sex problems for about a year now. It started with my H having ED problems, which I associated with his porn viewing (he looks about 4 x a week) any chance his gets, 30 min. before I come home, if I go shopping, etc. I made the mistake of telling him how I felt about his ED and that it was just me he could not get an erection with and I would try to intiate to see if it was me (testing his response). His reply to this was that he was never going to have sex with me again. I did the wrong thing by doing that. We even seperated for about a month. The last six weeks we have had sex twice, both times was when he was sleeping and while half a sleep start gropping me which turned into us having sex. He does not initiate and I am scared to because I so often get rejected. The last time we talked about it, three weeks ago, he said he has been depressed and does not even look at porn as much as he used to. He is depressed and started medication about three weeks ago. I felt like he was lying about the porn so I checked the history and I was right, he has looked at it almost everyday this month. I never bring it up and suffer in silence, wondering why he would tell me he does not want sex and does not masterbate when he does almost every day. I know the answer is that I put him on the spot and now he is afraid of what I will think of him when he can't get an erection. Last night I asked him if we could make love and he said no. I am so hurt, I have no self esteem anymore, I want to make love to him but I can't handle being turned down. I told him this last time we talked, I told him I felt weird about the whole thing and that I felt like sex should be like riding a bike and I feel like I can't even ride a tricycle. I know his issues are emotional and he has been seeing a doctor, when I ask him what I can do he says to just keep being wonderful and he says he is sorry he is "broken". I am trying to be very patient with him and the sex issues, but it's hard when he lies and tells me he is depressed to do anything when that is not the case. It's hard to feel like it's not me like he says when it's obvious it has something to do with me. If he would be honest with me we could work on the issues together. We leave tomorrow for vacation so I am trying very hard not to be sad about this because I don't want our vacation to be ruined, but it's sad because I know we won't be having sex on our vacation. I am starting to feel ugly and useless. We are both to young to be unhappy. What should I do?
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Go on that holiday and try not to focus on the sex aspect of it. Enjoy cuddling, kissing and holding eachother. Just let him know you won't pressure him - If it happens, great! If not, then that's okay too. Try to have FUN on the trip, maybe this is what you both need. To laugh, hold hands, reconnect again. As for his porn, he has to stop cold turkey and get counselling. Sadly though, he has to want to stop watching porn...I"m not sure if he really wants to, as it has become his safety net, his comfort zone.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I felt like he was lying about the porn so I checked the history and I was right, he has looked at it almost everyday this month. I never bring it up and suffer in silence, wondering why he would tell me he does not want sex and does not masterbate when he does almost every day. I understand that the computer's history shows what he looks at porn, but how do you know that he is masturbating daily? If he really has ED, it would be a factor whether it was self or partner sex. His problems seem so deep-seated and complex (I'm never going to have sex with you again ???) that most partners would be overwhelmed. No one could really blame you if you left... Mr. Lucky
shadowofman Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I used to have the same problem and I don't anymore. I know what was wrong with me, but it may not be the same for your H. If you are interested, I'll elaborate, but most people don't agree with me.
Author redfathom Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 I will give an update then I will reply to everyones posts. Well, last night we started kissing and that went on for about 5 min or so and I was teasing and pulling my mouth away and he got upset and stopped. He said he did not like it when I was pulling away. He then said there were too many random things going through his head for him to concentrate then he would worry about his ED because he could not concentrate and he did not want it to be an issue. He did not want to talk about it and said he gave me the best explanation he could. I told him that telling me he has random thoughts while we try to make love does not really explain it. So he said the thoughts were: my hair would tickle him, a sound would distract him, or a smell or his head would itch or something like that. I told him I understood if he was not feeling attracted to me and that was why he could not concentrate, the told me that was not it and that he finds me very sexy and he wants to have sex with me but that he just can't concentrate. I told him he should thing of erotic things and he said he has tried that. So we decided to give it another go and it worked. Okay, so for the random things, I don't think he is being honet with me 100% because why would he keep calling these things random, but not elaborate. Either way I told him I felt the same way, he said we keep second guessing our selfs which is true, when we were kissing I sat on his lap and debated aout taking my shirt off but I started to wonder if that is what he wanted so I hesitated and didn't. So we both are so insecure about how to act around each other and we both get distacted with throughts of what the other wants or doesn't. We both just need to be patient and understanding. Okay, to reply to peoples posts: Whichwayisup, yes, we are going to enjoy the trip and not worry about this. He is definitly comfortable with the porn, it does not talk back, he can do no wrong, it does not judge, etc. Mr. Lucky, it is very complicated, he had a horrible childhood and we are both the first and only long term relationship either one has been in (he has been my only sexual partner). I think he has some confusion on gender preferences although he would never cheat on me, and is committed to me. I think the porn fuels his curiosity of this. We did seperate and sex was part of the issue, mainly me wondering what he actually wanted out of life, which gender he wants to be with, he admittly says me and I do believe him, but I also don't want to hold him back for being truly happy. Shadowofman, as you say, I might not agree with you (only one way to find out), but I would still like to hear your perspective on this, I repsect everyones opinions. Thanks all for the replies!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 The random thoughts are either a mental escape from pressure, or an overall lack of labido! I really doubt it has anything to do with you or your attractiveness. However, he seems to have some bisexual feelings? I'm going to tell you now that is not normal for straight guys!
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