6 1/2 Weeks

[carrotgirl]

What a day. I am so ready to head home. Another hour and then I'm out of here.

 

Okay, I'll respond to your point first Spind. Hell no I don't even want to waste cycles on considering GD dating. I feel like I have a big watermelon teetering on top of a skinny neck right as it is. It's been a hella week eh? That watermelon would just explode.

 

It was a hella day today too. I'm so tired and spent. Spent most of the day with the company that had launched the not so nice accusation at my work Monday along with assorted others including both my CTO and my CEO. Thank god I wore a bra today. The CTO covered me and launched an attack of his own and they wound up admitting that I'd uncovered some serious stuff. It was too little too late since I feel utterly slandered but we're all going to make nice with it.

 

And in the middle of the day I got a really cool gift from GD! We went to lunch and he floated it out so quietly. It took me a moment for his words to register. He asked his professor and got permission to do one of my very much needed studies for his MS project! I was sooo surprised and I am sooo flattered.

 

GD always said he wanted to work for me before he got to know me, before we'd dated, but now he's really making that a for real thing. He's combining me, with work, with school? What do you give a guy who gives you the gift of himself that way? And how do you say thank you for thinking I'm so cool that you'd be willing to put a year's investment of your degree on the line?

 

To me, this is far better than flowers or candy. To me this is love. This says I respect you. This says I admire you. This says I think you're brilliant. This says I think you're worth it. And I am worth it! I love this man. Tonight he was outlining some ideas for the study and it was so HOT to see him excited about my/his/our work!

 

Isn't this is a cool thing for a guy to do?

 

Carrot

[AriaIncognito]

Yah. This morning this reads pretty harsh and that isn't what I intended at all. I'm sorry.

 

Aria, it's not so much that I disagree with you. You have a very direct way of helping me to see things differently about me by relating things about your experience. I don't see the parallels you see but that doesn't mean I'm right.

 

Carrot

 

I didn't take offense to it per se. I am bitter. I'll be the first to admit it. When your heart is repeatedly torn into shreds it happens. I never wanted to or tried to become bitter but it's almost 6 months out and I am very much bitter. What can I do? I figure in time I'll let go of it - if I am to ever find someone who will prove me wrong and give me reason not to believe all men will behave this way.

 

Logically, I know not all men behave that way as I've dated them in the past, but I guess you remember the recent hurt more.

 

I dont know, I want to find someone and love again, I just am not too optimistic that it's in the cards for me right now.

[carrotgirl]

Oh Aria. My heart is screaming at your pain. Who could hurt your spirit so? Nooooo. This is very wrong.

 

How 'bout a 15% swap? Honest and true. Will you trade with me? 15% Aria's best bitter brew for warding off pain and sorrow for 15% Carroty boo-boo bliss bubbles for reaping hope and joy?

 

My heart could stand to have a little more care and lot more toughening. Trade me! It'll be a neat experiment!

[AriaIncognito]

Oh Aria. My heart is screaming at your pain. Who could hurt your spirit so? Nooooo. This is very wrong.

 

How 'bout a 15% swap? Honest and true. Will you trade with me? 15% Aria's best bitter brew for warding off pain and sorrow for 15% Carroty boo-boo bliss bubbles for reaping hope and joy?

 

My heart could stand to have a little more care and lot more toughening. Trade me! It'll be a neat experiment!

 

I honestly wouldn't wish this kind of emotional pain on my worst enemy, so I certainly wouldn't give it to someone I like lol.

 

Who could hurt my spirit so? A man who strung me along for a year with actions that didn't match his words, but who's actions led me to believe he was in it as much as I was.

[carrotgirl]

You're not wishing it on me. I'm asking for it. Perhaps you like the pain so much you want to hog it all for yourself? Here I am in real need of toughening up and you won't even share a measly 15%? That is really sooo selfish.

 

Perhaps you'd prefer to be challenged? Okay. 17%.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Who could hurt my spirit so? A man .... with actions that didn't match his words

GD's actions don't match his words either. They're the exact opposite. He said he didn't love me and everything he's done has only been loving with the blaring exception of breaking up with me. Though I've come to understand he may well have done this with my best interest in mind as well.

 

It's maddening.

[AriaIncognito]

You're not wishing it on me. I'm asking for it. Perhaps you like the pain so much you want to hog it all for yourself? Here I am in real need of toughening up and you won't even share a measly 15%? That is really sooo selfish.

 

Perhaps you'd prefer to be challenged? Okay. 17%.

 

Carrot

 

You can have 100% if you really want it, I certainly don't want it. I just am not sure what good it will do.

 

[AriaIncognito]

GD's actions don't match his words either. They're the exact opposite. He said he didn't love me and everything he's done has only been loving with the blaring exception of breaking up with me. Though I've come to understand he may well have done this with my best interest in mind as well.

 

It's maddening.

 

Same here, which is why I so adamantly keep trying to steer you away from the idea of his having the right feelings. I see so much of my ex in yours. It sucks.

[carrotgirl]

I don't want 100% just 17%. And you have to take the bliss bubbles of love. No backsies.

 

GD isn't your ex. I'm not you. You're not even the you that you were. You've changed and grown. It's going to be okay. We're going to okay. Hey, we're going to be better than okay.

 

Come on. Admit it. GD doing my study for his Masters project is hot! Don't you think so?

[AriaIncognito]

I dont know, for me personally, I know i would take it the wrong way and view it as him wanting to be with me, when in actuality he didn't want to be with me but my brain or some facet of me but not all of me, so I'm not sure if i'm the best person to ask.

 

Again, the bitterness talking, of course.

 

I'll take the 17% goodie but I dont know if it'll win the battle with the 83% bitterness :-)

[Spinderella]

Love to you Carrot x

I have no input on your sitch, perhaps thats best anyway. I think all of us know in our true selves what is really best for us, so my only advice is, get in touch with that.

Aria, hope you let go of 100% of your bitterness (I call it yours, but its not really yours), so you can love again, like youve never been hurt.

[Spinderella]

And in the middle of the day I got a really cool gift from GD! We went to lunch and he floated it out so quietly. It took me a moment for his words to register. He asked his professor and got permission to do one of my very much needed studies for his MS project! I was sooo surprised and I am sooo flattered.

 

GD always said he wanted to work for me before he got to know me, before we'd dated, but now he's really making that a for real thing. He's combining me, with work, with school? What do you give a guy who gives you the gift of himself that way? And how do you say thank you for thinking I'm so cool that you'd be willing to put a year's investment of your degree on the line?

 

To me, this is far better than flowers or candy. To me this is love. This says I respect you. This says I admire you. This says I think you're brilliant. This says I think you're worth it. And I am worth it! I love this man. Tonight he was outlining some ideas for the study and it was so HOT to see him excited about my/his/our work!

 

Isn't this is a cool thing for a guy to do?

 

Carrot

I just read this properly.

Do you think perhaps he is slightly in awe of you, and maybe could not handle the relationship for that reason?

[AriaIncognito]

I just read this properly.

Do you think perhaps he is slightly in awe of you, and maybe could not handle the relationship for that reason?

 

That would depend on the man right. If he's the kind that can't handle a successful woman, then it's possible that he was not comfortable with the dynamic a successful woman brought with her.

 

Some men like the whole damsel in distress rather than the independent woman.

[carrotgirl]

I just read this properly.

Do you think perhaps he is slightly in awe of you, and maybe could not handle the relationship for that reason?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

 

Oh Aria, that was goood. Spind, I'm laughing at your original too. Oh my stomach hurts now!

 

As hot as I am, and I have a decent awareness when I'm not emotional mush, he's got it going on all over me. He's smarter than I am. I don't bump into that often. He's not pretty at all but very beautiful to look at. Natural grace in and out. He's got some body image issues. I don't have that.... He's deliciously independent. He has a thing for aggressive, domineering, feisty, beautiful, successful women. Lucky me.

 

Nah. I don't think he's remotely intimidated. More likely he was unhappy that I wasn't more mentally tough, stronger, more intimidating to others. He gets off on it and lack of it may confuse him. On a bad day he sees strong one minute and crying the next. He'd like not to see the unhappy, frustrated parts. Not unlike a lot of guys.

 

Maybe a few silly things and a couple of less silly things (like one of his friends really disliking me) tipped the balance and he didn't want to figger it out. It's possible the balance will tip again in favor of an us. We're good together. The work dynamic was comfortable all week. The human dynamic was comfortable all week. We'd lapsed back into subtext and I was surprised at that when I noticed we were communicating only half out loud.

 

Overall, I still don't know. I just don't know what happened. Maybe he was afraid I'd be it?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

GD and I spent a couple of hours going over his outline. He's so pumped he outlined most of the study already. A day in and he's already identified hefty dependencies for me. His energy is inspiring. And it's still all so very flattering.

 

I teased him saying I wonder what I should ask for in return for giving you all of the evidence for your project. He paused for just a moment. Then he smiled when he said, I'm getting my project and when it's finished you're getting your study.

 

We drew more attention than I would have liked this week. Nothing negative but people watch. And today we had so much fun arguing theory and laughing while we went over GD's outline .... I wondered so briefly if GD had an ulterior motive.

 

The feeling of working toward a common goal that is so meaningful for each of us individually and together is indescribably good. And strange. He's committing to something that's personal and professional with me. It's going to be something we work on together for at least the next 4-5 months. It just feels.... good and strange.

 

It's a little scary too because in order to make this successful I have to commit back. I have to commit myself to the work and commit myself to his success, since it's partly my success.

 

And damn it. He challenges me to do more and stop being so lazy and that really pisses me off because I'm not lazy. I'm tired! But he sees more and so he's calling me on. He's been doing it so quietly I didn't hear it before. I'm hearing it now. I hate him for it. I love him for it. I'm so scared of it. I'm scared of losing myself.

 

Carrot

[Spinderella]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

 

Oh Aria, that was goood. Spind, I'm laughing at your original too. Oh my stomach hurts now!

 

As hot as I am, and I have a decent awareness when I'm not emotional mush, he's got it going on all over me. He's smarter than I am. I don't bump into that often. He's not pretty at all but very beautiful to look at. Natural grace in and out. He's got some body image issues. I don't have that.... He's deliciously independent. He has a thing for aggressive, domineering, feisty, beautiful, successful women. Lucky me.

 

Nah. I don't think he's remotely intimidated. More likely he was unhappy that I wasn't more mentally tough, stronger, more intimidating to others. He gets off on it and lack of it may confuse him. On a bad day he sees strong one minute and crying the next. He'd like not to see the unhappy, frustrated parts. Not unlike a lot of guys.

 

Maybe a few silly things and a couple of less silly things (like one of his friends really disliking me) tipped the balance and he didn't want to figger it out. It's possible the balance will tip again in favor of an us. We're good together. The work dynamic was comfortable all week. The human dynamic was comfortable all week. We'd lapsed back into subtext and I was surprised at that when I noticed we were communicating only half out loud.

 

Overall, I still don't know. I just don't know what happened. Maybe he was afraid I'd be it?

 

Carrot

So thats a no then?

[Spinderella]

Working together sounds exciting. Commit to it, if it gets hard at least you can get lost in the professional aspects of it.

[carrotgirl]

I just read this properly.

Do you think perhaps he is slightly in awe of you, and maybe could not handle the relationship for that reason?

So thats a no then?

It started off as no. As I thought and wrote more, it morphed into I don't know.

[Spinderella]

It started off as no. As I thought and wrote more, it morphed into I don't know.

Ah. I was meant to follow that with a anyway, but now it is an "I dont know", it doesnt matter.

[carrotgirl]

Yah. It's doubtful he's intimidated. And if he is, all the better since he likes it anyway.

 

I got lost a little in the darkness of what he said vs. what he does. I'm having a bit of a tough day today and I don't know why.

[Spinderella]

Yah. It's doubtful he's intimidated. And if he is, all the better since he likes it anyway.

 

I got lost a little in the darkness of what he said vs. what he does. I'm having a bit of a tough day today and I don't know why.

I think this is what people were cautioning you for. So easy it is to go on what he does, and so easy for him to excuse with what he said. I've seen it happen alot of times.

[carrotgirl]

I just feel icky.

[Spinderella]

(hugs) to you lovely carrot x

[AriaIncognito]

I'm just afraid for you. Afraid that this attention is confusing your heart. I know this would very much confuse mine. To have my exes attention in some way, but not the way i used to have it, does definitely confuse me and make me think about the "well maybe he's coming around" type things.

 

I really really really hope you aren't setting yourself up for further heartbreak with him....

[carrotgirl]

I'm sick. I'm gross, disgusting, feverish, snaky haired, stuffed and choking sick.

 

I'm depressed and miserable and I'm distressed about getting my work done (doesn't everyone work on the weekends?) and that isn't helping. I've been trying to work but I either throw up or fall asleep.