Author Tormented Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 And hey... Some of us guys feel the same way. Oh, no doubt. Women don't own a monopoly to the "broken-heart's-club-band" syndrome. There are a lot of guys who hurt just as much! I mean, take a look at this board. I'd say there are just as many men on here as there are women. It's not about a gender thing...it's a human thing - the breaking of a human heart. What can I say? Love sucks! ~T~
latefragment Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Tormented, is this the same guy who went back to his ex suddenly, with no warning - about a year ago, and you were posting about it? I remember you couldn't eat or sleep and felt really, really low. Is this the same guy? It sounds so painful, if it is. He sounds like he's bad for your health...
Author Tormented Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Tormented, is this the same guy who went back to his ex suddenly, with no warning - about a year ago, and you were posting about it? Yep...same guy. Pathetic, isn't it? ~T~
GB111 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Hi Tormented. I'm so sorry to hear your situation. Just wanted to say that i haven't been on LS in 1.5 years b/c I'm in great shape now. Just stopped in and felt for you, so I thought I would just throw in my support! Anyway, was I ever in your situation, if not worse. Let me just say that as hard as it was, NC was the only answer for me. Yes, I went to therapy. Yes, I took the medicines. Etc., etc. It wasn't until I TRULY made up my mind that it was over that I got better. I had such a hard time because I was focused on the NOT wanting to forget her that made it difficult. NC works, but only if you truly commit yourself to it. Not just physically, but mentally. In other words, you have to decide that you really want it to be over. I promise you that there is a better man for you. Always seems there will never be anyone like the one you're with, but there always is. You'll get there! In the meantime, I found LS to be very therapeutic. Go on and type away. You're nowhere near alone! :-) Regards, GB
Author Tormented Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Just wanted to say that i haven't been on LS in 1.5 years b/c I'm in great shape now. Just stopped in and felt for you, so I thought I would just throw in my support! I had such a hard time because I was focused on the NOT wanting to forget her that made it difficult. NC works, but only if you truly commit yourself to it. Not just physically, but mentally. In other words, you have to decide that you really want it to be over. I promise you that there is a better man for you. Always seems there will never be anyone like the one you're with, but there always is. You'll get there! In the meantime, I found LS to be very therapeutic. Go on and type away. You're nowhere near alone! :-) GB, thank you so much for this post. I know that you speak the truth...I KNOW this, have known it for quite some time, actually, which is why I'm on the emotional roller coaster that I am. I went into a strict NC with him for almost a year after he completely shattered my heart the first time. He did everything he could think of to reach me but I wouldn't respond. Tried calling (repeatedly) but I wouldn't respond. When that failed, he created a fake persona to contact me with but I knew it was him immediately and cut it there. He then called my landlord, my mother, and even went into my son's place of employment to send a message through my son. Finally, after a year of this we made contact...off and on. I fooled myself into thinking that if a man goes to these lengths to reach you, then he MUST have regrets for his past behavior that caused the breakup. That he MUST love you, MUST want you back. And I began to entertain the thought that everybody makes mistakes and deserves a second chance. BAD MOVE ON MY SIDE. It's been hot-cold since we've re-united. He wants me, but can't completely commit. He see's a future for us, but not right now. He loves me, but has no patience when things don't run smoothly. He wants this to work, but doesn't want to take the necessary steps it requires. And on and on it goes... I finally told him yesterday that if he TRULY wants me in his life, TRULY wants this to work, then he needs to step up to the plate and do what it'll take to make it happen. I told him that if he wants me in his life, that if he truly loves me, then he needs to let me know. I told him that if he does't want me in his life, does not love me - I understand but he owes it to me to let me know so I can move on for good. I told him to show me the same respect I've shown him, to do right by me and let me know one way or the other. Okay...that was yesterday and I've yet to hear from him. My guess is he'll either fall completely silent because he hasn't the nerve to do what's right, or he'll attempt to dance around it and pay me more lip service. In any event, I will NOT contact him. The ball is in his court and he needs to step up and do the right thing. I have decided to make a firm commitment to MYSELF. If he doesn't come forward this time...I'M DONE. With the place that I'm now at, I very much appreciated your post. I needed to hear it...to be assured that there really IS a life after the ex. ~T~
Newtotheblogthing Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I love this post because it sums up my situation and feelings completely. I have been posting for some time.. going back and forth trying to make sense of what both my ex and I have been doing.. Broke up, he found a new gf, we sleep together, i complain and realize I am harming myself but feel unable to stop myself. I think somehow he will realize he wants to be with me. He just left town for who knows how long because he was in a car accident. I was a WRECK. I went to the hospital.. I felt like I was going to die. He finally called me yesterday after almost a week and it was eurphoric. I told him I loved him, he loved me too etc.. but then he goes back to asking me for some dirty pictures.. a video.. something. I ask him if he is trying to work things out with the girlfriend of 3 months.. the texts are confusing..he won't answer. I am back to anxiety, to not eating.. they had broken up and gotten back together unbeknownst to me, I just know that either way he wanted to be with someone else and I didn't believe it! When does it stop? It's back and forth, up and down, euphoria, devastation and what for?? I cannot take it anymore. This person who could have died is not my boyfriend anymore. I am now just the girl he spent 3 years with who he calls or texts when he needs something. I have to cut him off. The timing sucks but I am literally is so much pain I can barely focus at work let alone get myself there. I missed two days last week. He has been my focus.. without the drug I call him I feel like I have nothing, it's like i need it to live. BUT the alternative of complete and utter insanity seems worse. i don't know how I ended up here.. I never in a million years thought I would be this person. To take whatever I can get from him, to keep torturing myself. Also, he has so much of his own stuff to work out.. he almost died and I thought that would change him overnight?? I have to find a way to let go!! It's going to take some serious faith in something to get me through this but I cannot live like this any longer. What everyone writes is helpful.. Like you said it's the not wanting to forget.. It's about my own issues... they know us like the back of their hand and play into our weaknesses.. my mind tricks me, torments me.. Thanks for letting me vent.
Capricciosa Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I think the why is less interesting than the what now? How do you get yourself out of this pickle. Someone mentioned codependents anonymous, but I think sex and love addicts anonymous has more insight on your problem. No contact is one thing, but if it truly is an addiction, and it does sound like one from what you describe, you're going to need some help, not to mention some guidance in looking at yourself, what you thought this guy was, what old wound you thought he would heal,etc. There is also a book called How to Break and Addiction to a Person that I think is highly intelligent and helpful. It describes for instance how we can be addicted to someone we don't even like. So stay away, and get some help quick. Check out this link (not just tormented, but anyone with this problem) http://72.52.143.94/node/4
Newtotheblogthing Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 BTW, thanks for that. I had my worst weekend yet and I have begun NC. I can't take it anymore. At some point, the cycle has to end. He will not fix me, he will not make me whole.. I am also going to look into that book and checked out the website. It's that or coda.. or alanon. I am going through slight withdrawal now..
underpants Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Tor, You might be the mirror me in some aspects. If I reflect on some experiences I think that (honestly) I have been in both in the (selfish) driver's seat as well and in the (inverted penance seeking victim) seat of the rollar coaster of emotions gone out of control. Now that I am off of all the rides. I have to reflect and say that neither is right. The highs and lows are exciting and (for some) are enough to change what their integrity would in any other moment tell them that they are. The very cycle of abuse is to give someone a high just after inflicting a low. That is addiction making in it's purest and simpliest form. Anyone else experiencing that one thing should reflect. When it is ...just not right...you gut tells you. No matter who is at the wheel. When you can find someone who can sit on the bench with you after the ride is over and just enjoy the down time, without one eye on (what is next)...then you might have something. Your ex, from what I have read. He just has to be put back in the lost and found. When you gain enough distance from him you might fancy yourself a wiser, more valuable prize. You do need to let go completely for this to happen. I think that someplace inside you know this truth. I do wish you the very best for you, and the ability to just know when/if you find someone else that you two (mutually) know that you are meant for each other...without doubt. You deserve nothing less. Come on Tor. You are too wise to fall for his carnival game anymore. He is just...(sorry)...damaged goods. What you do is take one of those daggers he missed with and free yourself from the cyclic wheel that he and you tied yourself to. Okay, Carnival analogy over.
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