When love becomes a drug...

[Tormented]

I don't know what point I'm driving at here...I think right now I'm just feeling very frustrated and disappointed in myself.

 

You know, if you were to line up my friends and family and ask them what their opinion of me is, words such as "stable, level-headed, responsible, funny, adventurous, sensitive, and compassionate" would most likely be tossed out there - or, at least - I THINK they would.

 

I've always been the type of woman who practices caution in just about every arena in my life...from decision-making to career, financial and people I allow in my life...I don't jump head-first into anything without first testing the water. I'm the type of person people come to for advise or confide in - it's just always been that way.

 

This is not to say I haven't made some poor choices in my life...I've made more than I care to count! But as a rule, I can usually identify where I went wrong, fix it if I can, then move on with the resolution that I won't repeat that mistake again. And I don't....instead, I find a new one to trip over!

 

Point is, it's in my character to learn from my mistakes and then move on...guess that's just the lessons of life.

 

Why, then, can't I apply the same method with my ex? WHY can't I just get him the hell out of my system - just recognize the toxic effect he has in my life and remove him permanently?? And the sad part? I DO know he's bad for me, has a negative impact on my well-being, my happiness...I'm certainly not blind to this fact - yet, I keep going back for more. WHY???

 

The history between us is very long, dramatic, and painful. Oh, it wasn't always that way and that's the problem. Started out great, passionate, strong, ya know? Strange thing is, I wasn't that attracted to him when we first met...he was shorter than I prefer, not particularly attractive, a little rusty in the social-skill department, and a bit crude in his vocabulary sometimes. Yet, a bond developed between us that was strong...yet dysfunctional. A bond that, to this day, I STILL can't figure out - but one that I just can't seem to break free of.

 

We've broken up and gone back together so many damn times I've lost count. And each time we split, I'd tell myself that THIS time it was for good...that I was DONE - FINISHED...would never go back.

 

A few weeks later, sometimes months later...we'd be back together but it never seems to last long. A real bitter-sweet, pull-push type of thing...and ALWAYS intense.

 

I just walked away from him 2 weeks ago...AGAIN. This time I am resolved to stay the hell away. The man is so screwed up in the head, he doesn't know what he wants. One day he's telling me he wants to build a life with me, doesn't want to let me go, wants me in his life...and the next he's telling me he can't commit - knows it's "his" issue and it will take a long time for him to come to grips with it. He's a very bitter man, extremely angry towards women (especially so with his ex wife), and although he craves love, he does everything he can to push it away when it does enter his life. I realize he's been screwed around by women in his past, but I'll be damned if I pay for the sins of other women. I don't deserve it and I can't tolerate or accept it.

 

His words and actions this time around contradicated each other..."I love you", yet he later referred to me as a "bitch" at one point, assuring me that he was "only playing." "I want to spend my life with you," yet later said he couldn't "commit." Very affectionate at times, yet hit me in the stomach hard enough to double me over...again claiming that he was "just playing around." Very hot-cold from day to day...would call me several times on one day, only to call me once, if at all, the next. Told me he needs me to "be with him" consistantly, only to react luke-warm when I stepped it up and tried to "be there" as he requested. I tell you, it's been a real mind-f*ck!

 

So, 2 weeks ago today...I made the decision to walk away - for good this time. Yet, despite it all...despite the pain, mistreatment, betrayal (he cheated on me once in the past), and distrust - I sit here this morning missing him, and I'm sad. It's like the color in my world dims when we split up, and I can NOT understand this!

 

It's not like I can't attract other men, I most certainly do. I go out on dates when we're split up, in fact, I'm going out on a date this coming Wednesday. God knows I've tried everything under the sun to get this man out of my system...out of my soul and heart. Yet, I have failed. WHY???

 

What is it about this man that I'm having such a hard time weaning off of? It's not like I've never been in love before. I have had many long-term relationships, including a 9-year marriage, yet none of them had the impact THIS relationship, this man, has had in my life. Before, I was able to walk away and heal with enough time. But that doesn't seem to be the case here. It's like detoxing from a powerful drug and I'm dealing with a severe case of dt's! It's SO damn hard but I've GOT to stay away from this man!

 

He called me Friday and left a message on my cell. Said, "I'm sorry it didn't work out, that's for damn sure. It's too bad." He then hesitated for a bit, then said..."well, okay...bye." Not sure why he left that message, or what it's suppose to mean, but I'm NOT responding. I HAVE to break free of this sick cycle...somehow, someway.

 

Oh hell, I'm just ranting here, aren't I? Like I said, I don't know what point I'm trying to make here. Maybe I just needed to rant. And if you've read this far, thanx for listening.

 

Anybody else feel this way...that the ex is like a drug you're desperately trying to wean off of? Or am I just crazy!

 

~T~

[wowIlose]

very interesting.

 

I think its the hope that keeps you going. He leaves just enough for you to get excited and than takes it away every time.

[daisydo]

i know exactly how you feel girl. i just got through looking at my ex's myspace page and feeling my heart race just looking at the pics. it really has got to stop for me too.. we broke up about a year ago but have had several flings since then..

 

in fact he just sent me a text last night. i erased it and didn't respond but it left thoughts of him in my head and here i am on my couch.. looking at his pics again and thinking about "what could have been".

 

the hot and cold games he plays is just a way to string you along.. to make you crave the next "hit" of his affection. my ex did the SAME thing to me. one day he wants to have my kids and marry me and he can't get enough of me.. the next he goes out all night, doesn't call and doesn't come home until the next day.

 

it was like a drug. i haven't kicked it either. i imagine it just takes time.. it also takes a serious commitment to STOP interacting with them and stop playing the game. it has everything to do with you and nothing to do with them. it's like going to AA - you have to find a support network.. make a commitment to quitting and remove all the "triggers" from your life.

 

in fact i was thinking about checking out a relationships anonymous meeting.. or codependency anonymous.. or something. i'm not sure what to do either. but i imagine if there are steps to quitting smoking, etc.. there are steps for breaking addictions to toxic people.

 

let me know if you find anything that works.. i am still looking also.

[Bosiell]

Simply yes. My ex was an amazing high for me. Now I am on a complete withdrawl from her. Like I am coming off a drug for sure, its the hardest thing ever for me personally.

[AriaIncognito]

Amen Tormented.

 

I totally understand what you are saying. I think we do indeed become addicted to the feeling of being loved/in love and it's hard to accept when it's taken away from us. My recent ex was no good to me. Never committed to me, never once told me he loved me, heck, I dont even remember him ever telling me I was pretty or looked nice ever. Yet, I always went back, and still miss him. But maybe it's not him I miss. Maybe it's how I felt about him, and loving someone, and someone paying attention to me (though not love maybe I blindly thought it was his way of loving). Don't get me wrong, he certainly wasn't all bad else I wouldn't have been with him so long, but he just didn't fall for me as I did for him.

 

I think once you keep yourself removed from the situation for a long time, maybe you'll come to be able to separate the real feelings from the addictive ones.

 

Logically, I know he can't be "the only" man that I'll ever fall for that has the qualities I've been looking for. Emotionally, sometimes I think he was. I guess we need to try to let logic overrule our emotions for a time in order to get past what we've lost (or in our cases, what THEY have lost).

 

I wish I had a magic way to make it better. But unfortunately, I don't. I was NC for almost 5 months but broke it recently and dont regret it, but am back on the preverbial wagon again I suppose. I dont think I'm really thinking about it. If we have contact, fine, if we don't, fine. I know any contact just means friendship.

 

Anyway, I'm babbling. Yes, I think we are addicted to how the person made us feel, and not necessarily the person in specific. Someday someone else will come into our lives and make us realize why it never worked out. Something better is in store, if we are patient.

 

I hope.

[Tormented]

very interesting.

 

I think its the hope that keeps you going. He leaves just enough for you to get excited and than takes it away every time.

 

My first reaction is to ask why he would do this...for what purpose does it serve? But it's pointless in asking why, really, because we could ponder the reason(s) why all day with no absolutes. Hell, he probably doesn't even know why he does it. Unless, of course, it's being done deliberately for selfish reasons - which would be hard (and hurtful) for me to accept. I'd hate to think that I poured this much energy and love into a man (and relationship) that was nothing more than a sham - played as a mere "backup" until something better comes along. And I know there's a strong possibility that this just may be the case...something he strongly denies...of course.

 

Or...it could just be that he's majorly screwed up as he claims.

 

In either case, it's toxic and I need to throw the towel in.

 

This is clearly a losing battle...enough is enough.

 

~T~

[Spinderella]

He's a big commitment phobe. He keeps you hooked because thats all he can do. He cannot have a normal committed relationship. The longer you are together the more afraid he will be of saying anything that might be construed as commitment on his part. The more you break up and get back together, even if its mainly his doing, the less committed he can be the next time around. Thats why the last message he left was so non commital, and yet he wanted to contact, because what he said was pointless, and unneccessary. He wants you to come towards him, but, would never ask without a good excuse, so that it can never be his responsibility.

This is all a guess of course, but, based on personal experience.

For you, it is hard to get over, because you have always got back together after a period of time, so its not like theres a different reality to face now. It feels the same. I hope that made sense.

[Tormented]

i know exactly how you feel girl. i just got through looking at my ex's myspace page and feeling my heart race just looking at the pics. it really has got to stop for me too.. we broke up about a year ago but have had several flings since then..

 

Why do we do that to ourselves? Look at their page, drive a route we fully know they drive, send them a text or email - knowing that this will do nothing more than bring us more heartache?? It's so damn frustrating because I am "logical" in all other areas in my life, yet - I lose all logic when it comes to him. And my dignity and pride has taken a helluva beating over this. It drives me nuts that I can't beat this thing - can't seem to shut the door and keep it shut on him. And worse, he knows this which is why he pulls this crap. I know he assumes that I'll always be there, will always put up with this game because I'm "hooked." Strange thing is, I can't even tell you when I fell so hard for him, in fact...I had no idea my love for him went this deep until we parted ways and I found myself absolutely miserable. But here lately, especially so this time around - I found myself miserable with him. A real "damn if I do, damn if I don't" situation here...and I hate it.

 

in fact he just sent me a text last night. i erased it and didn't respond but it left thoughts of him in my head and here i am on my couch.. looking at his pics again and thinking about "what could have been".

 

I know exactly where you're coming from...believe me. It's hard enough trying to wean yourself from them in strict NC, but it's next to impossible when they reach out in some sort of contact (text, phone messages), and you find yourself fighting like hell to refrain from responding. In my case, he left a message last Friday on my phone saying..."It's a shame it didn't work out, that's for damn sure. It's too bad." Why he left it, why he felt the need to leave a message like that is anybody's guess but I have not, nor will I, respond to it. This is so damn hard and painful.

 

the hot and cold games he plays is just a way to string you along.. to make you crave the next "hit" of his affection. my ex did the SAME thing to me. one day he wants to have my kids and marry me and he can't get enough of me.. the next he goes out all night, doesn't call and doesn't come home until the next day.

 

God, it's like being on this never-ending emotional roller coaster, isn't it? After a while, you no longer enjoy the "good times" because you're too busy bracing yourself for the "let down." And you KNOW it's coming - you've been "conditioned" to expect it. Yet...when given the option to get off the roller coaster, you choose to stay on it because maybe - just maybe - it will be different this time around. How is that a relatively intelligent woman (or man) can delude themselves into believing such tosh?? I just can't seem to get my head around it...

 

it was like a drug. i haven't kicked it either. i imagine it just takes time.. it also takes a serious commitment to STOP interacting with them and stop playing the game. it has everything to do with you and nothing to do with them. it's like going to AA - you have to find a support network.. make a commitment to quitting and remove all the "triggers" from your life.

 

And there's the key word - commitment. Not to them but to ourselves. It's the only way we're gong to break free. And we need to turn all that wasted love on them to ourselves. I've always believed that self-love is what prevents you from disrespect and ill-treatment, and for the most part, it has served me well throughout the years...except when it came to him.

 

in fact i was thinking about checking out a relationships anonymous meeting.. or codependency anonymous.. or something. i'm not sure what to do either. but i imagine if there are steps to quitting smoking, etc.. there are steps for breaking addictions to toxic people.

 

Not a bad idea...something I should probably look into. Because this really IS an addiction, just like anything else that's bad for you but you have a hard time walking away from.

 

You know, I've been on this site off and on since August of '06 over this guy, and for any of the regulars that were here back then, I've no doubt they're wholeheartedly sick of hearing my "sob" story. It's frustrating to see somebody going on and on about the same issue yet little changes...despite the good advice given. All the advice I've been given here has been sound and on target - things I know in my head and heart to be true. Yet - I keep falling into the same trap, losing all my resolve and hard work to overcome this. And back I come, crying once again. I am SO sick of this.

 

let me know if you find anything that works.. i am still looking also.

 

Obviously, I am far removed from offering any answers...but I am determined to beat this thing - one way or another.

 

We're in this together, girl!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I think we do indeed become addicted to the feeling of being loved/in love and it's hard to accept when it's taken away from us. My recent ex was no good to me. Never committed to me, never once told me he loved me, heck, I dont even remember him ever telling me I was pretty or looked nice ever.

 

Ah...Aria, it's so hard. See now, my ex took a different route. He told me how pretty I was frequently, did compliment me on my appearance, DID make references to future commitment often. In fact, it was HIM that was pushing for a commitment (even bought rings for us to wear as symbols of our commitment to each other), early in the relationship. And it was ME who was shying away from it. He came on so strong, ya know, and seemed so genuine...like so many others we hear about on this board. But as time wore on and I became more emotionally attached to him, he started to pull away...hardly noticeable at first, but very noticeable later on.

 

Then came the betrayal - completely blindsided me and absolutely tore my heart in half. He moved his ex-gf in (his married ex-gf at that), but threw her out within the first month. He called me constantly, even while she was living there, and when I refused to answer or respond, he then created a phony "persona" to reach me on the phone. When that failed, he called my landlord, my mother, went into my son's place of employment. He drove the same route (he's a logging truck driver), everyday at lunch time knowing that I'd drive past him. We didn't speak for almost 10 months because I was so angry and hurt...but I finally gave in and spoke to him. BIG mistake! Since then, it's been an off and on thing - a very sick, dysfunctional cycle. For the life me I can't understand why a man would go the the lengths he did to get me back, only to turn around and do everything he can to sabotage the relationship once he had me. Sick, isn't it? You would think I would RUN the opposite direction, yet - here I am...still bleeding over this guy.

 

Yet, I always went back, and still miss him. But maybe it's not him I miss. Maybe it's how I felt about him, and loving someone, and someone paying attention to me (though not love maybe I blindly thought it was his way of loving). Don't get me wrong, he certainly wasn't all bad else I wouldn't have been with him so long, but he just didn't fall for me as I did for him.

 

I think you've hit the target here...it's not so much about the person as it is how the person made you feel. He had a way of making me feel special - even went as far as saying that he loved me more than he has any other woman...including his ex-wife. He made me laugh all the time, and was never dull to be around. We had our own way of expression...our own "language," if you will. And, of course, we had our pet names - knew each other inside and out. A bond - a very strange but strong bond. But there was also a lot of pain...lots of it. And I just can't take it anymore.

 

I think once you keep yourself removed from the situation for a long time, maybe you'll come to be able to separate the real feelings from the addictive ones.

 

I did...for 10 months. And you're right, I started feeling better - stronger. Until, of course, I unwisely allowed him back in. And in many respects, it seems worse this time around than the first time. Everytime I let him back in, I end up regretting it. How many times will it take before I learn? Before I can walk away for good???

 

Logically, I know he can't be "the only" man that I'll ever fall for that has the qualities I've been looking for. Emotionally, sometimes I think he was. I guess we need to try to let logic overrule our emotions for a time in order to get past what we've lost (or in our cases, what THEY have lost).

 

Good point! And yes, it is definitely their loss. From us, they received love. From them, we received mixed messages and heartache. Tally THOSE scores and THEY lose.

 

I wish I had a magic way to make it better. But unfortunately, I don't. I was NC for almost 5 months but broke it recently and dont regret it, but am back on the preverbial wagon again I suppose. I dont think I'm really thinking about it. If we have contact, fine, if we don't, fine. I know any contact just means friendship.

 

Yep, I'm on that wagon...once again! I'm hoping to reach the level you're on - not really caring if we have contact or not. But right now it is critical that I don't. This has got to stop - I have to free myself from him. I HAVE to love me more than I do him.

 

Anyway, I'm babbling. Yes, I think we are addicted to how the person made us feel, and not necessarily the person in specific. Someday someone else will come into our lives and make us realize why it never worked out. Something better is in store, if we are patient.

 

I hope.

 

I certainly hope you're right, Aria. Well...I know you are. But at this point, I really don't care if I meet somebody else or not. This one really did some damage.

 

~T~

[NotAgain]

He's a big commitment phobe. He keeps you hooked because thats all he can do. He cannot have a normal committed relationship. The longer you are together the more afraid he will be of saying anything that might be construed as commitment on his part. The more you break up and get back together, even if its mainly his doing, the less committed he can be the next time around. Thats why the last message he left was so non commital, and yet he wanted to contact, because what he said was pointless, and unneccessary. He wants you to come towards him, but, would never ask without a good excuse, so that it can never be his responsibility.

This is all a guess of course, but, based on personal experience.

For you, it is hard to get over, because you have always got back together after a period of time, so its not like theres a different reality to face now. It feels the same. I hope that made sense.

 

Yes, I agree. I think he's a big commitment phobe. He sounds a lot like my ex, excpet mine never physically hurt me. I think you really need to get away from this man this time. So much easier said than done I know, but you need to try your very hardest. He's so bad for you, and I fear with commitment phobes we are buggerd, because they are hopless and will treat us like this person I quoted have said. Try to move on and heal. NC NC NC .

 

Good luck!

[daisydo]

yes we are in this together!

 

i know how you feel.. i joined this site back when i was still with my ex.. all the advice i got was "leave him now!" "move out!" "get out while you still can.." i didn't listen.. it took 3-4 more months of him treating me like utter crap and then kicking me out of our apartment for me to realize what was going on.

 

and yet i kept going back here and there.. about 3 or 4 times.. we never got back together.. but we would have periodic "binges" of sex and talking on the phone, etc.. then something would happen and i'd get angry and cut ties. it's like a relapse.. a few months ago i saw him out in front of his work.. i felt like i had lost complete control of my body. i was having dinner with friends at a restaurant and it took every ounce of my self control not to RUN out in the pouring rain down to his work and see him.

 

i ended up calling him later that evening.. and that was the last and most recent relapse.

 

since then.. we've had minimal contact. he does like to periodically 'probe' me with myspace messages and texts to see if i am still on the hook. i wish he'd just leave me alone - he has no intention of wanting to get back together.. he just wants me to want that. why? i don't understand.

 

i have been going on some dates recently but the ex still plagues me. ugh.

[Tormented]

He's a big commitment phobe. He keeps you hooked because thats all he can do. He cannot have a normal committed relationship.

 

He has said this as well...that he's afraid to commit because of past relationships. However, each time he said he couldn't commit "right now" it doesn't mean that he won't be able to commit later down the road. He acknowleges that he's got "anger and trust issues" with women from past experiences and that he needs to deal with these issues, but says it will "take a long time." Whether he's BSing me or not is anybody's guess, but in any case, it's too big of risk for me, or any woman, to take. I could be waiting for the rest of my life for him to come around only to hear in the end that he still "can't commit." Naw...life's too short.

 

The longer you are together the more afraid he will be of saying anything that might be construed as commitment on his part. The more you break up and get back together, even if its mainly his doing, the less committed he can be the next time around. Thats why the last message he left was so non commital, and yet he wanted to contact, because what he said was pointless, and unneccessary. He wants you to come towards him, but, would never ask without a good excuse, so that it can never be his responsibility.

 

Makes good sense to me. Strange thing is, when we first met it was HIM who pushed hard for more, for a commitment of some time. Even went as far as buying us rings as a symbol of our commitment to each other, which I found very odd. It was ME who was dragging my feet, who was reluctanct to get this deeply involved. But as time went on and I began to get more emotionally attached and involved, he started to withdraw - mildly at first, more so later. Is this a normal behavior of a commit phobic? Do they deliberately do things to sabotage the relationship, and then do everything they can to get you back in their life? It's a HORRIBLE cycle to be put through and I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

 

This is all a guess of course, but, based on personal experience.

For you, it is hard to get over, because you have always got back together after a period of time, so its not like theres a different reality to face now. It feels the same. I hope that made sense.

 

Yes, this does make sense, Spin...and I thank you for it. And you're right, this back and forth - off and on cycle tends to numb you after a while. But it has GOT to stop. It's doing a real number on my heart...on my psychological and physical well-being. I can't take this anymore!

 

~T~

[Spinderella]

Yes it is normal behaviour of a commitment phobe. Its not as though they dont yearn for a relationship. While you were dragging your feet, he was very safe to be romantic, which is perfect for him, because he gets to satisfy his real desires to love and be close. But the closer things actually become to a normal relationship and when you begin to reciprocate, is when the fears will set in and take over. Its not conscious behaviour of course, although he does seem to have some insight and realise he has this problem.

It doesnt matter how much he realises it though, because its a very hard thing to cure, because its only apparent once a relationship gets to that stage, and even then its not completely apparent because it may be difficult to know whether it is him or its just not a good relationship match.

You are wise to steer clear from now on, because I really think that he will need alot of time to sort this out.

[Teacher's Pet]

And hey...

 

Some of us guys feel the same way.

 

Sure, my ex was a control freak who treated me like garbage, but I was her "baby".

 

I'm living proof that NC works.... NC since 6 days after she dumped me (or as I like to think of it, a mercy killing), and I've gotten nothing but stronger. It's been almost 1 1/2 years now, and I'm at the point where I'm just questioning my judgement as it pertained to her.

 

But, alas, I long for the day when I find someone who makes me feel the way about her, the way I did for my ex, but where it's 100% mutual.

 

See, some guys wanna be loved, too.

 

-tp

could we just cuddle?

[randuff]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133910/

 

My recent post about a similar subject. I can't understand why we long for something or someone we know is not right for us. I consider myself to be above average intelligence yet when it comes to my ex I feel like my brain just stops working or I have some sickness which makes me ENJOY the torment.

 

Why can't we just wake up and be done with it already????

[Trialbyfire]

Sometimes I think we all try to complicate things too much. Most often I think they make contact because they miss you. Having said that, it doesn't mean they're good for you or that they want to begin anew.

 

Tormented, if you ever hope to heal completely, stay away from this guy. He's bad mojo. It's the highs you crave, while time has blunted the lows.

[Spinderella]

Sometimes I think we all try to complicate things too much.

Usually I would agree with that, in this case I really recognise all the signs of commitment phobia, plus he has mentioned it himself.

You are right though, that there is more sense in bringing down to its simplest facts in order to move on.

[Newtotheblogthing]

I can completely relate!!

My ex and I broke up after 3 years in June or July dependinig on who you talk to.. It wasn't really clear as we always seem to get back together. This time however, i thought I had finally made up my mind to move on from the toxicity of the relationship. I ended up in rehab and it's not his fault but before this relationship I would have NEVER been a candidate for that. I believe that it really brought out things I didn't even know existed in me.

 

With that said, I don't know how to get over it. We have stayed in LC.. I slept with him even after he had a rebound gf, and I had hope that we could work it out after that ended two weeks ago but he seems to have moved on. This weekend he wouldn't even return my texts or calls. We always seem to reunite but I think it's different this time.

 

I know the feeling of the highs and lows, the quick fix of the drug I call him. It's as if I have forgotten how to function without this.. even though I would never have thought I would be in this position.

 

It's addictive, it's painfully difficult to let go and I have to. I thought I had!! But we are so used to the drama, the intensity and then the pain that follows.

 

Today I am trying to draw on the strength I know that I possess! That we all possess but sometimes it's as if I have this rational side that is overpowered by my NEED.. my need for him, for the security of knowing he loves me even if that love is not a good kind of love.

 

It's horrible to admit but it's true! I am so glad you wrote this. I am going to keep checking back. Seeing others who know these feelings makes me feel so much better as today isn't a great day! I guess today is as good a day as any to REALLY try to move away from this.

Thanks again, I guess we'll see what happens!

[Bosiell]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133910/

 

My recent post about a similar subject. I can't understand why we long for something or someone we know is not right for us. I consider myself to be above average intelligence yet when it comes to my ex I feel like my brain just stops working or I have some sickness which makes me ENJOY the torment.

 

Why can't we just wake up and be done with it already????

 

 

Indeed! Our minds should be able to cope, to heal like a physical wound, everything focused on healing asap. But for some reason our mind plays this game with us, tricks us, toys with us, torments us. Why cant we just see things rationally and sensibly and just forget and move on sooner than we do. Personally as soon as I start having a more postive mood, a better outlook, feeling calmer. The devil in me seems to say hey what you doing you cant feel that way, heres a nice memory for you, get back down here sucka!! The emotion fight is so damn frustrating, so draining!

[Trialbyfire]

Usually I would agree with that, in this case I really recognise all the signs of commitment phobia, plus he has mentioned it himself.

You are right though, that there is more sense in bringing down to its simplest facts in order to move on.

Whatever his issues, he's bad, bad news for Tormented. Not only was he emotionally abusive but a head-gamer. He bounced back and forth between Tormented and his ex, cheating on Tormented during their relationship. Now he's trying to get back with Tormented, maybe even with the hopes of cheating with is ex.

 

Until or if he ever gets his head together, the last thing Tormented needs is for him to screw with her head some more, thus the simplest formula works.

 

Is he good for me?

Yes, proceed with the relationship. No, he's bad for me, time to move on.

[Spinderella]

True, and its what I said in my last post. But sometimes if somebody really confuses you, you can be fooled into thinking things are more solvable than they are. Sometimes identifying problems in them that are unlikely to change anytime soon can be beneficial too, and even possibly alleviate some confusion.

[Sanslatete]

Simply yes. My ex was an amazing high for me. Now I am on a complete withdrawl from her. Like I am coming off a drug for sure, its the hardest thing ever for me personally.

 

For me too Bosiell, it's a fuc%ing nightmare. I fell hard for her, completely, and fell in love with her the minute I set eyes on her....literally. She killed me emotionally with the things she did at the end of the relationship...again...literally. But I still miss her terribly and somewhere in my heart, I still love her. Sounds weak I know, but, I can't explain what she did to me, but the effects still linger.

[Tormented]

I am SO fed up with him right now!

 

As I mentioned in my first post, he called me last Friday and left a message that he was "sorry it didn't work out..that was for damn sure." And it was "too bad."

 

Okay...this morning at 3:41 am I am awakened to my ringing cell but didn't answer. I knew it was him, had to be. He's a logging truck driver and they hit the road anywhere between 2:00 - 3:00 am. He left no message this time, just let it ring long enough so it would come up as a "missed call." As soon as it stopped ringing, I got up and looked - sure enough, it was him.

 

Layed back down and tried to go back to sleep. Yeah, like that was possible! I tossed and turned...very agitated by it all.

 

Got up at about 7am and kicked around the idea of calling him back. I decided I would...yeah, yeah - I know. Bad idea.

 

He answered within the second ring. I asked him why he called me at that hour. He fell silent for a few, then said..."so what have you been up to?" Told him I had to go in for a pre-employment physical this morning and that I was very excited about my new position. We made small talk...I made no mention about the relationship, or missing him, or anything like that. Just kept it on how busy I've been with my new position, etc.

 

Then...in the middle of something I was saying, the phone line went dead...just a "beep-beep-beep" signal. Could be wrong, but I think he hung up on me. So several hours later, I sent a text saying..."Did you hang up on me?" He has yet to answer.

 

What in the HELL is the matter with this guy??? Why would he call here at that gawdawful time in the morning and then hang up on me while we're talking...if, indeed, he did hang up.

 

I don't know what his trip is...why he's doing this. He won't leave me alone!!!

 

I have spent the remainder of the day bothered by this. And the sad part? I think that's EXACTLY why he does it.

 

What do I have to do here? Move to the land of Oz to escape???

 

This is hell!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Tormented, if you ever hope to heal completely, stay away from this guy. He's bad mojo. It's the highs you crave, while time has blunted the lows.

 

Trial, you are one of the few here that was around when I came to this board over a year ago...badly broken and bleeding.

 

You know the story, the ugly history here. You know how toxic (and in many ways) dangerous this man can be for me.

 

You know, I thought about this topic of "toxic addictions" today and something occured to me. These people - the toxics - have the power to bring us great happiness...but they also have the power to bring us great sorrow and pain. And they all seem to have one thing in common...a sadistic streak.

 

And so, those of us hooked are at the mercy of a sadistic tyrant who delights in the power of inciting tears and broken hearts at the expense of those who love them. It's sick...but they seem to gain a false sense of empowerment, not to mention an ego boost. And who pays the price for their sick "fix?" US!!!

 

You see...I do have a logical side. I do understand he's bad, bad, BAD for me. Yes, I DO know.

 

So why in the hell can't I just chuck him over my shoulder like the bad penny he is??

 

God, I'm a mess!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

It's addictive, it's painfully difficult to let go and I have to. I thought I had!! But we are so used to the drama, the intensity and then the pain that follows.

 

It's horrible to admit but it's true! I am so glad you wrote this. I am going to keep checking back. Seeing others who know these feelings makes me feel so much better as today isn't a great day! I guess today is as good a day as any to REALLY try to move away from this.

Thanks again, I guess we'll see what happens!

 

You are absolutely spot on, New - it is very painful, and it is painfully difficult to let go.

 

God knows, I have TRIED for well over a year now to break free of this...hold, for the lack of a better word...that he has on me. But it feels more like a tight grip. And he uses it...oh, he uses it very well.

 

He holds on tight, then eases up, and about the time I think he's let go for good, he intensifies that grip tighter than before. And the cycle repeats itself. Each and everytime I tell myself..."that's it! I've had enough...I'm outta here!"

 

The sad part? This man knows me like a well-read book. He's got the blueprint on me and knows exactly what to say and do to reel me back in. His strongest weapon on me? My love for him. If I ever loose my love for him, he'll have absolutely NO power.

 

But you know, I think it has everything to do with US and nothing to do with THEM. What I mean by that is...people like you and I who find ourselves caught in this kind of web need to start examining ourselves - start taking responsibility for why WE choose to allow people like our exes to treat us this way. Do we not love ourselves enough? Do we subconsciously take pleasure in this form of abuse? And if so, why?

 

These are the kind of questions we need to look at...I mean REALLY look at hard. And we need to be painfully honest with ourselves. We need to tackle and defeat the shame we may feel by the answers we find within ourselves. Instead, we need to acknowlege our issues and do whatever it takes to purge this poison from our system. Because, failing that, we WILL continue on this painful path. If not with our current ex, then with another. A horrible way to live.

 

I did some deep soul-searching this past weekend for answers. It was hard...painful, but I was honest. I was emotionally and physically abused by my adoptive father as a child - which I'm not going to get into here...it's too painful - but it dawned on me that there is a strong possibility that I equate abuse for love. Hence...my addiction to the ex.

 

I can't believe I just blurted out a very sensitive and painful subject like that on a message board...but there it is. The truth. Not pretty.

 

But at least now I got down to the root of it and can start there.

 

I think I'm in for a looooong, hard road to recovery.

 

~T~