sungrl Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 i saw my b/f have a shirt in a plastic bag in the backseat of his car when i met him at the train station one day..and its a type of shirt i have only seen him wear if we were going out somewhere..so its obviously a shirt he only wears if going somewhere out..not work related..with his job-he wears jeans and usually a t-shirt..or for cold weather..a long sleeved shirt..he doesnt look like a slob for work at all..but im saying he only wears those types of collared, buttoned down shirt if going out..he usually would wear it over a t-shirt unbottoned. His job is fixing things so he drives with a work truck and goes to houses(i dont want to say exactly what he does) Here is what happened: My b/f and i were planning on going away for a long weekend. I usually do not see him on wednesdays but since we were leaving thursday morning I saw him straight from work so we can leave in the morning. I get in his car..and i see a plastic bag in the back..we arrive at his house and he was busy doing some things and i see a magazine in his bag which i have seen before so i just took it out and started looking at it but i also see a shirt ..and this is a shirt i know he wears going out and one i have seen him wear when we go out. Of course I see this is as weird. I let it go for the sake of the weekend. During the weekend I casually put on the shirt in the room as if i was cold in order to try to bring it up nicely(im trying to be careful to not make him mad or think im accusing him)..i said at first do you wear this shirt for work? HE ANSWERS NO, it would get ruined. I said i havent seen you wear this since we have been out and he says there is no reason to unless we were. I then say a few minutes later oh did you have to wash this before we went away, he said no i think i found this in my closet..i then bring up..you brought this to work with you last week and he said he doesnt think so..i said it again a few minutes later and he said you keep saying that, it must be true. He then said it might have been the white and blue one, i dont care if that gets dirty...BUT I KNOW IT WASN'T...and in 2 and a half years i have never seen him wear a t-shirt and then another shirt over it unbuttoned to work. He usually just wear a t-shirt or shirt with jeans. I let it go after that because i didnt know what else i can say without being completely accusational. BUT i really need advice because i truly dont know what to think but doesnt this see somewhat odd/suspicious to anyone else? He didnt even have a story prepared which may be good or bad...like if he met up with some girl..wouldnt he know to say oh i brought the wrong shirt with me that day, thats why it was there..he basically just said no i think i found this in my closet and then told me it might have been the white and blue one i saw and i dont care if that one gets dirty..but never have i seen him after work with a t-shirt and shirt over it(unbottoned collar type) in order for him to do the work he does. I just dont know what to think. I dont want to believe something is going on or that he met some girl for lunch or coffee. Write back.
sally4sara Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 A guy plans to go out of town with his girl for the weekend. He is putting away his laundry and starts thinking about whether or not he and his girl will be going somewhere nice while they are out of town. "I should probably bring a nice shirt with me in case we do go out." He grabs his favorite nice shirt. He hasn't had it washed lately and he has worn it out twice since then. I am female so it might be a dress for me that when I wear it, it is only for a few hours. Because it may need dry cleaning or hand washing, I might be lazy about keeping it clean every time I wear it. Same for his shirt. So he sniffs it and decides to get it cleaned first. He leaves it in the car (also a lazy move) since he will just be putting it back in the car to go out of town. Could this be a possible explanation? I guess what I'm saying is - it is just a shirt. The fact that it even made you wonder might be a sign that you are over analyzing things a tish.
Author sungrl Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 sally he doesnt get his shirts dry cleaned..he would just wash things at home but i guess i see what you are saying..there can be many more reasons for it other than what i am thinking?
LakesideDream Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Sungrl, this is your 4th post in two months on this shirt deal. Obviously you have other issues other than haberdashery. Obsessing over a shirt in the back seat isn't a big issue. This man is not your property, and does not need to give you chapter and verse on where and why he places his clothing items where he does. Please let it go. Again I suggest intensive IC for you to get to the root of your obsessions.
Author sungrl Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 b/c i thought i read once..one side of cheating is when your b/f wear something a little more nice than normal for work..and really doesnt need to.. this falls under the category. he doesnt have meetings for work..nothing like that happens with his job. and this shirt wouldnt even be used for a meeting..its more of a going out shirt due to some designs on it etc.
LakesideDream Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 You are going through all this because "you thought you read something"? Make sure, read everything you can about men, their shirts, and the ramifications thereof ! It's important stuff.
JustBreathe Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Are there other signs which make you feel he might be cheating? Other than the shirt?
Author sungrl Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 the problem is..it might have been that one time of meeting up with a girl from his past or whoever for lunch.
JustBreathe Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Well.. why would you think he was meeting up with someone from his past? I get the feeling you don't trust him. Why not? Has he cheated on you before?
Author sungrl Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 You would not think anything of this situation if he even said he wouldnt wear that to work, it would get ruined. Obviously he didn't know that i was thinking about this incident when i asked that.
norajane Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I've read your many, many posts on innocuous little things that you notice and then turn into a big, huge, cheating thing in your head. I honestly don't know how you manage to live on a day to day basis with all that anxiety...how do you even manage to catalog all these little tiny things in your mind like what shirt her wears when and what streets he drives on to go to work...? Seriously, start seeing a therapist to help you, because you are going to sabotage this relationship and every other relationship with your insecurity. Having said that, the thing you fail to grasp is that cheaters HIDE things. In fact, they hide things that don't even need to be hidden, they're so afraid of getting caught. They are secretive and very defensive when questioned about anything. I am certain that if your bf did something like wear that shirt to meet another girl, he'd have hidden the shirt in the bottom of his laundry basket until he'd washed it. He wouldn't have left it where YOU could find it and question anything. And if he mistakenly left it out and you questioned him, he would have become defensive about why you were keeping such close tabs on him and asking questions about when he wore his shirt. Because that's the second thing that cheaters do: they turn it around on you and make you seem like the bad guy for snooping and asking questions and being controlling, when all along they are actually cheating. I hope that gives you some peace, because your bf has never been secretive nor defensive.
Author sungrl Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 i saw him earlier than usual that day..either he kept it in his truck and it was used on another day and took it back with him when i saw him or it was going to be used that day and since i needed to see him earlier(about 3 hours earlier) he couldnt use it. nora--do u think its giving a person too much credit that they would hide everything..i do see what you are saying and its helping..but maybe he slipped up and figured it was in a plastic bag, i wouldnt see it? but maybe you are right about everything. thank you
Author sungrl Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 nora or anyone else, what do you think?
norajane Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I think you are making way too much of this shirt thing. And all the other little things you generally post about. The impression I've gotten about your bf is that he is not cheating. I don't believe for a minute that he has any room to cheat - you keep far too close an eye on him to be able to without you knowing right away. And, frankly, he doesn't seem to have any interest in cheating. You always know where he is, he never has any defensive attitude toward your suspicious questions, and he seems to spend lots of time with you. You've never mentioned that he keeps in contact with ex-gf's, or that he chats online with women, nor that he has any strange women contacting him on my space, nor that he goes out drinking often with his friends and flirts with women and comes home really late, nor have you ever mentioned that he flirts with or ogles women in front of you. He doesn't have muffled phone conversations when he's with you, he doesn't hide his cell phone from you, no unexplained absences. He seems like a decent guy who's into you. Stop worrying about his shirts and enjoy your relationship with your bf. That's the whole point isn't it...enjoying each other?
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 You need to make the choice here. Either pursue this to find out the actual truth, hire a PI, then you'll have your answers. Or, just let it go and enjoy things as they are.
Author sungrl Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 nora, this probably has nothing to do with this current situation. But you mentioned things that i have never mentioned..well he does keep in contact with an ex..i dont think he wants to tell me truthfully how often b/c he knows i dont like it..and i dont think its often to the point where its once a week..once a month--maybe thats a possibility. She has texted him every year on new years eve..and in the first year of our relationship--they were calling one another(i dont think it was too often but can't say)..he saw how upset it made me and he tried to hide it by changing her name to a guys name. He got a phone call one time in the car and i noticed he was acting a little different and i knew it had to be a girl on the other end. He showed me saying see, its a guys name..i let it go but i really felt he was lying.. new years eve came and he got a text from this "guy" saying happy new year..we spent the weekend together since it fell on a weekend..one night he said he had to feed his friend's cat which was true b/c the friend went away..and he said it shouldnt take long, i can just go..so i let him..when he came back i decided to check his cell phone and saw he made a call to this guy..i copied the number down and when i got home the next day--it was obviously her...so he didnt want me to go with him so he can make a phone call to her to probably say happy new year..obviously he couldnt do it in front of me due to the fact he absolutely knew i wouldnt want him in contact with an ex. I was devasted at first b/c i thought this meant he cheated on me or was cheating on me with her..looking back i dont know for sure if thats what it meant but i think i just figured he didnt want me upset but didnt want to completely cut ties with this ex so he hid it. He eventually took her out of his contacts. This past new years eve she sent a mass text saying happy new year, i love you guys. And he saw the text and i said, you don't know who that is? and he said i'm not sure--they arent in my phone...i KNOW he was lying.. 1. this girls number is the easiest number 2. My b.f has told me he remembers numbers he hasnt dialed in 10 years and that he just remembers them..but he forgets this number? a person who he has had some contact with since the break up a few years ago? i asked again and so he called it in front of me while we were at the club and then he told me who it was almost as if trying to show he really didnt know the number. I imagine he called her the next day so he can have a real conversation..he called while at a loud club and the convo lasted probably less than a minute..i am guessing she said call me another time, happy new year.
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