frannie Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Obviously the option to 'observe' how MM is with his spouse is out of the question for most OW but it would be enlightening for many OW to see that the relationship between MM and W is probably not as strained and as fractured as MM would have us believe. That would go a long way in OW being able to put the 'truth' of their situation into perspective. For those OW that believe those MM that say they will leave, their wives are horrible, they have no relationship anymore..... Oh I don't disagree with this at all. If you are basing everything on what someone tells you about their relationship (or past relationship, even)... badmouthing, finger-pointing, etc. And comparing how he is with you, during stolen moments, when he can pretend to be someone he's not... yes. Of course. Exactly......the OW only gets the MM's version of the M/R, and from what I've read it is often not the 'true' version but rather the one that garnishes the most sympathy and response from the OW and sucks the OW further into the "my poor MM is so unhappy, I will be there for him and take care of him and we will have a life together when he can get free from her". Personally I don't have any version, because as I wrote above, I don't think it's relevant. He doesn't talk about how they are together. He doesn't tell me about his marriage, his relationship, or what his issues with her are, or what she complains about (if anything) in him. As I said above, I'd find it about as relevant as MM asking me how I was with an ex and basing his view of how we would be together on that. The reason for my thread to begin with was that so many OW hinge all their thoughts, feelings and lives on WHAT the MM tells them and WHAT the MM promises them and how wonderful MM is to them in a 'surreal' situation. Sometimes, (and only when the OW really wants to deal with the reality of their situation) it would be great to know the whole story in order to know what OW is really getting into and what she is really going to get out of the R - Especially if she plans and expects on having a life with MM........wouldn't it be good to know the real MM and not just the one we get to see (usually under less than 'normal' conditions) for short periods of time when everyone is putting the best forward in a situation that is about as far from 'normal' as a couple could get. Yes, I agree with this, and I see exactly what you mean. You have some extremely valid points. But I still have the reservations I've expressed. I am not sure even the W gets to see the 'real' MM. People are so good at not being honest with each other. I mean, MM & OW don't have the 'normal' live issues to deal with most of the time - we don't share bills, expenses, child rearing issues, etc...instead we get to enjoy their company devoid of these things so we have little to fight or disagree about. The issues that MM/OW seem to identify that they do fight about would be the W and/or the amount of time/lack of commitment we get from MM. Yeah, there's truth in there. Though I think it does vary a lot. Some MM/OW do have children and financial issues, others spend a great deal of time together. Others don't worry too much about whether or not he's leaving, but yes, generally speaking I don't disagree with this. It would rarely if ever happen but I think OW wouldn't be quite as disallusioned with thoughts that MM is 'all that' and more and would be able to see him as human with flaws instead of being on a pedestal all the time. (Again, not all OW do this but the ones that do hurt so badly when the truth kicks them in the a$$...) I don't think this is even exclusively an OW issue. I mean, it's the same if you're dating anyone. Some people have a tendency to put others on a pedestal, and in the first few months or year of a relationship we really don't know the other person at all. And yet some go right into marriage at that stage. I'm not criticising that choice at all, it works for many. But you know, sometimes things work out and you didn't have a lot of information on the other person... I don't think it just applies to affair partners. I personally like Lizzie's comment: Now that I put the 'guidelines' down... he has mellowed and is not talking about this anymore... I guess as long as I don't leave him, he's ok.. as soon as I talk of leaving, that's when he gets depressed and wants to leave, he gets very emotional... and that scares me in a way I'm sure I'll get blasted by every BS on here but I really think the BEST MM/OW relationship is the one like this where the OW controls the situation - talk about tables being turned......and God knows it rarely happens! Yeah I don't know that talking about leaving and him getting emotional sounds all that healthy. But generally speaking I think that if you can make an affair not about him leaving, and concentrate instead on the relationship aspect of it and whether you're at all compatable when it gets down to it, then yes I think that's a far better way of approaching things. But I think that was one aspect of what you were trying to do with the thread... concentrate on the personality/behaviour or whatever, and less on getting your man 'at all costs'.
Meaplus3 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 The W putting the MM down to strangers (or anyone) is definitely not good and, IMO, a big red flag that no one is happy! But I also know that putting down anyone repeatedly is a sign that there is ongoing, constant discontent and that can't be all one sided in the making......I will never understand when two people are this unhappy WHY they choose to stay together. There is no reason good enough in my mind to make you want to hold on to someone who you are completely miserable with....Maybe that would be the question to the W in that case, If you put him down so much, why do you stay? I have yet to see any W answer that here but I know its been asked (for the kids and money just don't count in my books............) Kid's, Money, Material item's I think that is the EXACT reason that so many stay in a unhappy of perhap's less then satisfying marriage. Those that do leave IMO I think it's because they just can't live witout beign in love and if they have found it then they are going to go after it! AP:)
Author KATANYA Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 But generally speaking I think that if you can make an affair not about him leaving, and concentrate instead on the relationship aspect of it and whether you're at all compatable when it gets down to it, then yes I think that's a far better way of approaching things. But I think that was one aspect of what you were trying to do with the thread... concentrate on the personality/behaviour or whatever, and less on getting your man 'at all costs'. Well said! And sometimes, 'getting your man at all costs' has an emotional pricetag that is entirely too 'overpriced' leaving many OW emotionally spent and destroyed....only to realize OW spent way too much and got very little in return ---and there are no refunds!!!
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