overandout Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Just want some honest opinions from current and exOW/OM out there who aren't content/happy with their affair. Do any of you not think that if the MM/MW really wanted to be with you, then they would be? Or do you think that when they "stay for the children" you believe it and agree with them. Or do you see it is an excuse but hope it will change and the mm will change his mind. I know 2 mm who have left their wives to live with (and one married) the OW. Can't help thinking why did they bother moving out with all the upheaval--would have been easier to stay in the affair relationship. They both told me that they fell IN LOVE with their OW and preferred to be with her rather than be in the triangular relationship. They bothl did leave within about 2 years of starting the affair which is also quite interesting. The longer it continues as an affair, the more likely it is to remain an affair. Or is it all about them getting away with as much as they can, and only when the spouse suspects do they face reality full on and run scared. I just think that if the mm is happy to continue with the affair and the OW IS secondary, then he prefers to remain in the main relationship with his wife/kids. A person will do unpalatable things to be with someone he really loves, IMO. At the end of the day who is expendable if push comes to shove. NOT the wife I would say. History and the newspapers are full of people who fall in love and leave unhappy relationships to be with others. A man or woman who stays in the marriage is there because he/she wants to be and prefers to be there. So does that beg the question what is the OP doing--hanging around hoping he/she will choose to be with them one day? Bear in mind that this is not aimed at those who are truly happy at being the OW and want nothing more.
passionateconfusion Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I believe that children should be a priority but one should not stay in a marriage that they are unhappy in for the sake of the children. If one is in a loveless marriage then it unfair to both the H and W and children to remain in that situation. It means existance not living a happy life. The most important thing is to have an ammicable relationship where the kids can see that the parents are 'friends' and that they love them and they always will.
OWoman Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 They bothl did leave within about 2 years of starting the affair which is also quite interesting. The longer it continues as an affair, the more likely it is to remain an affair. My father continued his A with his OW for years, until all his kids were out of the house. They've been married 20 years now, and happier than ever. Of course he should have divorced my mother, long before he met OW, but he's of that generation that believed it best to stay together for the kids, stupidly. My MM is ready to make his move the minute I give the go-ahead - but I want everything to be in place first, to be sure it's sustainable and that everyone is left OK and provided for.
Author overandout Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 OWoman. Hi. How long have you been with your mm? You are in a pretty enviable position I have to say!
OWoman Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 OWoman. Hi. How long have you been with your mm? You are in a pretty enviable position I have to say! We've known each other 5 years, been involved 3. Decided about a year ago that we wanted to be together full-time, permanently, and been exploring possibilities and working on logistics since then.
reboot Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 The most important thing is to have an ammicable relationship where the kids can see that the parents are 'friends' and that they love them and they always will.Obviously I have nothing to contribute to this thread and don't mean to butt in, but the quote above struck a chord with me. I've seen similar things said a lot here. This is sort of a side question to the original thread topic. Has anyone ever actually seen one of these "ammicable relationships where the kids can see that the parents are 'friends'"? I'm not sure I have. Most of the divorces I've seen have been bitter, bitter, bitter affairs, and the couple has hardly remained 'friends'. I've seen a lot more people using the kids for revenge/money/etc than I've seen them work together for them. Most of the divorced couples I've known have a worse relationship than they ever did while in their (bad) marriage. I'm not proposing people stay together for kids. I'm not proposing anything really. I'm just curious what other people have seen of this situation.
Lyssa Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Has anyone ever actually seen one of these "ammicable relationships where the kids can see that the parents are 'friends'"? I'm not sure I have. Most of the divorces I've seen have been bitter, bitter, bitter affairs, and the couple has hardly remained 'friends'. I've seen a lot more people using the kids for revenge/money/etc than I've seen them work together for them. Most of the divorced couples I've known have a worse relationship than they ever did while in their (bad) marriage. I'm not proposing people stay together for kids. I'm not proposing anything really. I'm just curious what other people have seen of this situation. Well, I have seen a few. Up close and personal would be my cousin. He was married to his W for 12 years and they have 2 kids. They were happily married but then after a few years and a lot of ups and downs in business, things started to change. A year or so later, his business started growing and he had to hire more staff and that was when he met another woman and divorced his W a year later. His xW was heartbroken of course but neither of them said anything bad about one another to their children. They kept it, still keep it clean between the kids. My cousin married his OW and have a child together now. All 3 kids get along well. In the beginning he did try to stay for the sake of his kids but couldn't do it anymore seeing that they were both unhappy.
OWoman Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Has anyone ever actually seen one of these "ammicable relationships where the kids can see that the parents are 'friends'"? I'm not sure I have. Most of the divorces I've seen have been bitter, bitter, bitter affairs, and the couple has hardly remained 'friends'. I've seen a lot more people using the kids for revenge/money/etc than I've seen them work together for them. Most of the divorced couples I've known have a worse relationship than they ever did while in their (bad) marriage. Most divorced people I know are friendly with their exes, or at least civil if distant. I know very few that have sustained the hostility that led to the divorce, though some did go through an acrimonious patch during the divorce itself. My own ex has just visited - stayed for lunch, then took the kids out for beer and ice cream - and it was all terribly amicable. My parents, on the other hand, haven't said a word to each other good or bad since they parted.
Meranna Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Has anyone ever actually seen one of these "ammicable relationships where the kids can see that the parents are 'friends'"? My ExH and I both went through traumatic, terrible divorces of our parents when we were kids, when we split up we promised each other to never put our kids through the same. As my ExH says......."our relationship has never been better" LOL! IMO it's being adult and mature about things, something many adults these days don't seem to understand, most adults I know are incredibly childish when it comes to marriage and divorce.
Meranna Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 A man or woman who stays in the marriage is there because he/she wants to be and prefers to be there. So does that beg the question what is the OP doing--hanging around hoping he/she will choose to be with them one day? I know my MM and his W fight like cats and dogs, he does stay because of the kids. He knows his marriage will end eventually but he can't bear the thought of "leaving his kids", in his mind that's what it would be. He stays because he wants to be with them as long as he possibly can, to be able to tuck them in bed EVERY night, play with them after work every day, etc etc. I don't pressure him because I know that's why he is there and I don't want to be the reason he leaves, he needs to leave for his own reasons, not because of an ultimatum from me. He also knows that when I've had too much then I'll be moving on, with or without him.
reboot Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 he can't bear the thought of "leaving his kids"It's funny, my wife and I were talking about this just last night. About staying in the marriage for the kids. We agreed that we might be divorced now if not for our children. But we also talked about could we, have we, stayed married just for them. We took a big trip down memory lane. We talked about the friendship we'd had before there was an "us". About what a complete surprise it had been to both of us the night we realized how much more there was to it than friendship. How some of our friends laughed at us because they'd known for a while. And how some of them played cupid when they were afraid we were just too dumb to get it. Our first kiss. The first time we made love. How I proposed. Our wedding night. How afraid we both were when I lost my job 6 months after our first child was born. The child we lost...... And on and on and on. Good times and bad times, but all of it ours. Our kids may indeed be glue, but all of the memories are our mortar. They bind us. I said all that to say this. And there will be those that don't want to hear it. All of those shared memories and experiences, years of building a life together, those are powerful, powerful bonds. "Staying for the kids" is a very convenient thing to say, but I think it's rarely the whole truth.
Meranna Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Some really do stay for the kids, I know I did for many many years when I should have left my ExH long before that. I knew 3 months after my daughter was born that things weren't going to work out, but I stayed for another 7 years in my marriage, we fought and argued every day, he was abusive (not physically) and really didn't care about providing for his family, through all that I stayed because I didn't want to hurt my kids by divorcing their father. I can say almost certainly that he never would have left me, as much as we didn't get along and both agreed divorce was the best option, it tore him up to not see his kids every day, and this was a man who was more worried about himself than his family. I can see how a loving, caring father would not want to be apart from his kids and would stay in a loveless marriage just for that reason. Most fathers don't get custody and most mothers don't have to face the fact that they won't see their children the majority of the time. My ExH and I did have a lot of good memories believe it or not, we had those binds and a friendship, the same as other married couples, most of that was from before we had children too. Just because we are divorced does not mean those memories aren't strong and that we don't still look back on those times with fondness.
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