head.heart& hand Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 After a five year relationship with a mm, I've walked away. A little history---My significant other moved out of his home two years ago. Soon afterwards, he accepted a job promotion 75 miles away. Upon taking the job, he told me he would need to develop a pattern where he could see his children yet still move forward with a legal separation or divorce. He has a place of his own in his new locatoin yet his children rarely visit. Intead, he travels to the family home several times a week and every weekend. He commutes yet does not sleep over as he appears to have set boundaries in that areas with his wife. However, after two years of leaving the family residence and promising that he was going to move forward, he finally said he can't or he would lose contact with his children (teenagers). He has hidden our relationship from everyone in his life-- still an affair. I left him. I know he will contact me soon. My tact is to not answer any calls--no more contact. Do you agree not to answer the calls?
child_of_isis Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 If you answer his calls, you just have to listen to more of his lies. Why put yourself through that?
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Hello. Are you at the point at which you want to end things completely with him? Or do you still see some possibility for a future with him, if he can manage to change some things in his life..?
Author head.heart& hand Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Hello-- Although I dont want to, I feel enough time has passed that I must accept that he isnt going to move forward. He has been dishonesty with his wife, which makes it likely he has been dishonest with me as well. I believe he is pained by his ambivalence which led me to provide tremendous patience over the past two years. Yet--its time to accept where we are so I ended it. There's no point in dragging it out any longer ( -and I'll need some serious recovery time). He has called twice and I havn't answered. It will be diffcult to ignore his calls indefinitely yet that is my goal. No more of this. Agree?
frannie Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Hello-- Although I dont want to, I feel enough time has passed that I must accept that he isnt going to move forward. He has been dishonesty with his wife, which makes it likely he has been dishonest with me as well. I believe he is pained by his ambivalence which led me to provide tremendous patience over the past two years. Yet--its time to accept where we are so I ended it. There's no point in dragging it out any longer ( -and I'll need some serious recovery time). He has called twice and I havn't answered. It will be diffcult to ignore his calls indefinitely yet that is my goal. No more of this. Agree? If you feel he's being dishonest with you, and there's no future in this, and you want to end it... The best way to do that is to tell him outright how you feel, and say you want to end it. Ask for his co-operation in leaving you alone as you want to move on and heal. Allow him to respond and then say goodbye. Then, after this, if he still contacts you and tries to get you to buy back into things, you will feel strong and justified in blocking his ability to continue with that. Since what he would be doing is disrespecting your wishes. You may then want to block his numbers and emails, and so on. If, on the other hand, you want to continue to see if things could work out between you... you could ask for a time-out. Or put conditions on his re-contacting you (e.g. if he's organised his life so that he no longer sees his children in his exes house, or whatever you need). Or any other arrangement that suits you. The main thing I'd say is make sure of what you want, and then make sure he gets the message, and then make sure you stick to your guns. Good luck.
Author head.heart& hand Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Thank you Frannie, I think this is excellent advice! We've been out of contact for just over a week yet he has called 5 times in the past 24hours. I've ignored his calls yet feel like I am acting immature rather than disciplined. I certainly dont want that. Naturally I'm ambivalent about ending it so I'll likely do just what you suggested; -- a break only to return if certain conditions are met. He is powerul and succesful and nearly always gets his way--. I believe he is arrogant in thinking I would never leave him. I would. Ultimately , I dont think he'll move forward with a legal separation or divorce so making difficult decisions is coupled with feeling just so terribly disappointed and sad. Thank you. --you appear wise.
overandout Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 HH&H, yes if you do set conditions you must stick to what you say has to be done. No point in telling him that he has to make a choice, institute divorce proceedings or you walk, and then if he chooses to remain married, telling him it's OK to continue the affair. He won't respect you for it and he'll know that he can get away with the current arrangement. At least you seem strong and well adjusted to know that it is time that you walked from him and have done so. Do not let him back in until he delivers. If he doesn't deliver I think you have your answers as to your importance in his life.
Author head.heart& hand Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Thank you all. I am new to this post and it has been very helpful. Perhaps the most difficult part is that I do believe he once intended to move forward. However, at some point he changed his mind. In that regard its fairly simple. I have to accpept that---.
frannie Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Thank you all. I am new to this post and it has been very helpful. Perhaps the most difficult part is that I do believe he once intended to move forward. However, at some point he changed his mind. In that regard its fairly simple. I have to accpept that---. Well it could be that he's just 'stuck' in the process and needs a little encouragement. After all he's not gone back as such (has he?). What does he say about moving forward, or does he not want to talk about it..?
overandout Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Thank you all. I am new to this post and it has been very helpful. Perhaps the most difficult part is that I do believe he once intended to move forward. However, at some point he changed his mind. In that regard its fairly simple. I have to accpept that---. HH&H, you seem to feel deep down that he has decided not to move forward and there is no point in grovelling to try and change his mind or deciding to resume the affair with him. As I said you seem to have a lot of self respect and not to accept being his side dish/OW. Good luck, I know it's not easy when you love someone. Don't forget if he changes his mind and misses you enough he may well come looking for you, but let it be on your terms.
Author head.heart& hand Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Well it could be that he's just 'stuck' in the process and needs a little encouragement. After all he's not gone back as such (has he?). What does he say about moving forward, or does he not want to talk about it..? He hasn't "gone back" but he visits for extended hours several times a week and on weekends ( yet he doesn't sleep over). He's there for holidays, special occasions,sunday dinners, etc... After two years of saying he will move forward, he now explains that he is unable to because his spouse would not allow him to visit his children at the family house if he proceeded. Despite having his own home out of town, I think he is comfortable in his family home and his wife has accepted this arrangment on the grounds that he doesnt divorce. Looks like this works for everyone except me ( thats essentailly what I told him). Although again, she doesnt know about me.
frannie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 He hasn't "gone back" but he visits for extended hours several times a week and on weekends ( yet he doesn't sleep over). He's there for holidays, special occasions,sunday dinners, etc... After two years of saying he will move forward, he now explains that he is unable to because his spouse would not allow him to visit his children at the family house if he proceeded. Despite having his own home out of town, I think he is comfortable in his family home and his wife has accepted this arrangment on the grounds that he doesnt divorce. Looks like this works for everyone except me ( thats essentailly what I told him). Although again, she doesnt know about me. He says he doesn't want to because if he did, his W wouldn't let him see the children in the family home. OK. They're still really joined at the hip in many senses. Does he not understand how you feel about this? Does he know that this is a deal-breaker for you..? And is it a deal-breaker for you..? Does he have any intentions of changing the situation..? I have to say you're not alone in this situation... many men will move out, but not get divorced, and still be tied into the family like this in one way or another. Do you think there's a chance it's her who insists he doesn't stay over..? What do you think is really going on here..?
Author head.heart& hand Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Thank you Frannie-- After 9 days of NC, he showed up last night ---wanting to know why I haven't taken his calls. We had the same talk all over again ( I'm uncomfortable with your status and the situation, feel betrayed after false promises, I've hit the breaking point in waiting for things to change, etc...). He insisted he would move forward. For the first time in ages, he dicussed the prospect of me moving to his town. Hmm- I don't know. After gaining strength in not accepting his calls for 9 days, he left and I felt weak and regretful that I didnt have the courage to call it off until specific terms were met. I just couldn't do it and nothing was really resolved. I was VERY interested in your last statement about men who dont follow through once they leave their homes. What insights can you share? What are some reasons for this if they dont intend to ever go back? I enjoy reading your replies--thank you!
frannie Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Thank you Frannie-- After 9 days of NC, he showed up last night ---wanting to know why I haven't taken his calls. We had the same talk all over again ( I'm uncomfortable with your status and the situation, feel betrayed after false promises, I've hit the breaking point in waiting for things to change, etc...). He insisted he would move forward. For the first time in ages, he dicussed the prospect of me moving to his town. Hmm- I don't know. After gaining strength in not accepting his calls for 9 days, he left and I felt weak and regretful that I didnt have the courage to call it off until specific terms were met. I just couldn't do it and nothing was really resolved. I was VERY interested in your last statement about men who dont follow through once they leave their homes. What insights can you share? What are some reasons for this if they dont intend to ever go back? I enjoy reading your replies--thank you! Hmm... I can understand why you feel 'weak and regretful'... because it was hard to say to him you want to call it off unless he makes some changes. Actually he suggested that you make some changes (moving to be nearer to him). Do you just feel you're not strong enough to stick to your guns on what you need from him? You do need to be able to say, 'no' to him, and insist on your needs being met... not in you moving so things are even more convenient for him. I don't know that I have any insight into why men will do this (partially leave), but it's happened to more than one woman on here. A foot in both camps, not having cut ties completely... so they can go back if it suits them (and the W will have them?), financial reasons..? And of course it's a very good reason why they can't make an early commitment to another woman, 'can't... I'm still married'. One or more of these might fit your MM, or it might be something else entirely. The thing is, you don't have to be understanding about his reasons... if his situation (still married, spending a lot of time at his 'ex' partner's home) doesn't suit you, then it doesn't suit you. No reason why it should. But I've seen this kind of thing go on for years. Check out some threads by the poster baileykeg for one example.
Author head.heart& hand Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 --When in NC mode, I thought I could stick to my guns yet-- I didn't. We're back on without any change so its only a matter of time before the cycle begins again. He mentioned going to his family home friday eve and I told him I was very uncomfortable with that ( of course!) He said ok, and that he would work it out (so I dont think he's going "home" now). I suppose I should feel good about that, but instead-- I feel almost guilty, as if I'm controlling his ability to see his children ( but on the other hand--they're teenagers who wont even be around much on a fri eve). I think he is comfortable there and considers it home. Your message about making things more convenient for him really struck a chord-- how true. His w is loving and trying to keep it together. I would imagine that it would be hard to leave someone who continues to respond with love and isn't giving up (my understanding is that they are friends yet he hasn't been attracted to her for some time). So she's responding lovingly with patience, hoping he'll come around. Given the circumstances, I'm responding with frustration, NC at times, and pressure to act if he wants me in his life. A 5 year affair, and two years separated from his w--its time. Or, have the courage to tell me he wont move forward. He promised he will---( like sop many stories on this post) One foot in each door--well said! I know I have to draw a line. I lost my strength-- that was the benefit of no contact.
frannie Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Hmm... it seems to me that he has two women being extra nice to him... so what would be his motive for change here..? Being 'nicer' and 'more understanding' than his W won't actually encourage him to change... it will only ensure that the two of you keep him exactly where he is now... Are you both frightened to put your foot down with him... because you feel that in standing up for what you need, you will lose him..? But if you can't do that, can't say, I'm sorry but that doesn't suit me without feeling guilty (as you describe here) then what's the point in being in a relationship with him..? You have no need to feel guilty, hhh, or bad about saying what you want and need, and getting it. But it seems from what you write that that's what you are scared of..? Does it seem like that to you..? At the moment there's deadlock... but if you stand up for yourself and say, 'no'... then something just might happen. He will be forced to take notice of you, and he may even begin to respect you more. And ask yourself... is what you're doing now a good behaviour pattern for a relationship... if you get the man by being overly-accommodating, making things easy for him, not rocking the boat, giving in... then what does your future look like?
Author head.heart& hand Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Frannie, You raise excellent points and questions, thank you. I have stated what I want from him; a committed partnership, a integrated personal and social life, etc. My fear is losing him in saying NO---no more without compromise! I've accepted that this will likely happen and recently attempted to call it off (hence, the first NC thread ). So this is about fear. Fear of losing him and never finding someone whos company-- and smile and sophistication and sense of humor-- I enjoy as much. We love the same things, --simple things, he's very special Frannie. There's a pratical side of this. I'm 40 and beleive I have attractive personal and professional qualities to bring to relationship. However, if this goes on, I'll be losing years and opportunities to possibly meet soemone with the qualities I desire and --is fully avaialble for a committed relationship. However---I fear being stuck in this situation more than I fear losing him.
frannie Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 hhh it sounds like you know exactly what you need to do... Yes, you might lose him, but on the other hand, you can only benefit from insisting on a compromise from him. Either he will realise he needs to make a change, or you will realise that he can't or doesn't want to make one, and you can be free to move on...
Author head.heart& hand Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Yes--- I know what I need to do. Thank you.
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 However---I fear being stuck in this situation more than I fear losing him. Think about this though, once NC sticks and you're able to actually heal abit, close yourself off emotionally, you WILL feel better. The familiar yet awful feelings that you have now infront of you will stop. It seems the holding pattern you're in is safe and it's what you know, even though it's unhealthy and doing damage to you, don't let the fear of the unknown (aka not having him in your life PERIOD) get you down. In time you'll see that you'll be happier and feel lighter.
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