kellie123 Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Hi, I've been married a long time, we have kids. I asked him for years to work on our relationship, & he thought it was fine. I was starving to death emotionally, physically & sexually. Well, early this year he thought I was leaving. That scared him bad enough he said he'd do anything to make me happy. Now he's really trying. He's doing everything I always begged & pleaded for him to do. He slips up once in a while & is abusive again. (not physically though). How do I learn to feel safe, to trust him, to want to be with him as much as he now wants to be with me. I tried so hard for so long & was talking to a wall. I have a lot of resentment & anger still. I'm trying not to bring up the past. I'm trying to let go of all the water that has already gone under the bridge. I'm just so scared that as soon as I let my guard down, he'll go back to the way he was. My question, for men & women please, Can Men Change ?? If so, what causes them to change.
Woggle Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Anybody can change male or female but it has to be something they really want to do and true change from the inside. Men that change in order to please a woman usually don't keep it up because they are going against their nature.
lonelybird Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Yes, they can change, God can change them, from inside. I've heard a testimony, an abusive man wrote a book, about his journey, how he abused his wife, how his wife left him, how God changed him, and his wife return to him, now he is a loving caring good husband, and dedicate his life to help others If you want your husband change, he has to be healed from inside in the first place, hurting people hurt others, otherwise nobody can change another person, only God can heal him. Did you try to pray?
tommyr Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I don't know your story so I guess it depends on exactly what change you want from him. But if you were starving to death emotionally, physically & sexually I am guessing that things were not like that when you married, so the implication is he had already changed only in negative ways. If so, then I would say that your husband (like most people including Men) is capable of change. Now allow me to ask a question: what are YOU doing to change YOURSELF, and to encourage the positive changes so far in HIM???? If your expectation is that HE ALONE must change then I would not be surprised if he "slips up" on a regular basis. Are you guys seeing a marriage counselor? Because your post did not sound all that balanced in the relationship (with respect to change and monitoring the results), and MC might help with that.
Curmudgeon Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 My question, for men & women please, Can Men Change ?? If so, what causes them to change. That's no different than women, some of whom can change. What it requires is recognizing that change is necessary, confronting the issues that need change, dealing with or ridding yourself of them and laying them all to rest. I can tell you from personal experience, it can be a very painful process but rewarding as well. It can also take a lot of time. In my case it took over two years to start to get there and another four of "refinement." Even after all that I'm still a work in progress and have to concentrate, sometimes daily or several times a day to not repeat past behaviors that are not acceptable to me. It takes a lot of desire to change and sometimes it also takes a powerful catalyst to jump-start the process. In my case again it took separation and divorce. For sme people it just won't happen. The ex is a case in point. She is quite narcissistic. Therefore, she's never wrong about everything. It's always someone else who is. It used to be me. Thankfully it isn't anymore. Now, 13 years later, not only is our former 25-year marriage history but she's also alienated four of our five children, all adults, who want little or nothing to do with her. The answer is still, "some can!"
brothermartin Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I believe this is a simple Q. Can men change. Yes, of course. What causes them to change? Choice. Nothing else. Not fear, or pain, or loss. Choice. But in your case, that is what it has to be. In other cases, it cant be done due to certain circunstances.
Author kellie123 Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Thank you for the replies. I was going to counseling without him, he agreed to start going after he thought I was leaving him. Curmudgeon, you make some nice points, thank you. He always said he was very happy with me, except when I would ask him to help out with the kids, housework, dishes, cleaning, etc etc He wanted more sex & I told him I would love to have more, but I needed some affection first. He said he wasn't an affectionate person. I definitely am not trying to say I've been perfect. I'm sure I wasn't easy to be married to either. I'm quite complicated in a lot of ways. I just liked the point made that something causes them to change. With him it was fear of losing me, if the fear goes away, will he rebound to his old habits & behaviors ? Thanks again for taking the time to read & share your thoughts.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I just liked the point made that something causes them to change. With him it was fear of losing me, if the fear goes away, will he rebound to his old habits & behaviors ? Sometimes the memory of that fear never leaves! It rarely takes longer than 4 or 5 months to generate a new habit. If you positively reward him when he performs the actions you need, my money says those good habits will stay. End of the day. You have to be willing to take that risk that he will slip back.
Doubt&Wonder Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Yes, men can indeed change IF and WHEN they want to....... and in my forty years of experience in love and life (married 21 yrs) a lot of men will not change until they have lost it all - when you are walking out the door. As far as TRUST goes........ TIME and SEEING if the great HEALER of every broken heart.
Woggle Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 You can never nag a man into changing because all the changes he makes will be on the surface and only to get you to stop nagging. This is why women really need to stop dating men for their potential and instead find a man who is already what you want.
lonelybird Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Now allow me to ask a question: what are YOU doing to change YOURSELF, and to encourage the positive changes so far in HIM???? If your expectation is that HE ALONE must change then I would not be surprised if he "slips up" on a regular basis. . This is the advise I gave to my mother, good one
Doubt&Wonder Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 This is why women really need to stop dating men for their potential and instead find a man who is already what you want. AMEN!! - I agree 100%
quankanne Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 really? I married my husband based on the potential I saw in him … because I knew what kind of person he could be if he just had someone who believed in him. yeah, he still gets redneck-ish and stubborn from time to time, but I think the sense of loyalty he said he discerned in me helped him come a long, long way in becoming the guy I always knew he had hidden inside him. so can a person change? Yes, but first and foremost, it has to come from within that person's heart, otherwise, it's like a very well spoken campaign promise. You know, say anything to hook the other person, then do the hell what you want. for that change to be effective, you've got to be sure to change yourself, to be a kinder and more giving person if you're not, to be more open and accepting if you're not, so that the person you're hoping to see changed will have the encouragement they need to make that lifestyle decision. counseling/marriage enrichment also is a great help, because it gives you the tools you need to affect better communication within the relationship, which encourages a person to change for the better. He always said he was very happy with me, except when I would ask him to help out with the kids, housework, dishes, cleaning, etc etc He wanted more sex & I told him I would love to have more, but I needed some affection first. He said he wasn't an affectionate person. frankly, that sounds pretty damned selfish and immature of someone to expect another to do all the work (physically and emotionally) in the relationship. And I can see why you're curious about him actually changing!
JerseyShortie Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Yes, men and women can change. But they have to really want to do it. I think men sometimes think that once they have you, they have you and can stop doing all the wonderful things that made you fall in love with them. But the truth is, women still need these things whether it is the beginning of a relationship or it's 21 years later. Men don't just stop wanting sex and women don't stop wanting to be 'wooed" by their SO. Sometimes men are stubborn, but if he wants to make you happy, he will change.
Woggle Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Why would a woman want a man to change what made them fall in love with him? If he stopped doing those things that would mean he changed and it could be for a multitude of reasons.
JerseyShortie Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Well, I don't think she wants to change who he is at the core. I think she just wants him to give her more attention so that she feels loved and special. That's not trying to change the man, so much as just doing the normal things that makes a person feel special to you.
LaughMachine Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Can men change? sure they can...can your husband change? Not to sure on that one.
Curmudgeon Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 This is why women really need to stop dating men for their potential and instead find a man who is already what you want. Woggle actually said somehting that's almost right. Now someday maybe he'll reach the point of balance enough to say, "This is why people really need to stop dating others for their potential and instead find a person who is already what they want. I'm not going to hold my breath, however.
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