HeartBrokenInNY Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Today I saw him. He came to help me move, as he promised me he would. He got another friend to help, and all this time I'm thinking... his W wasnt feeling well and she took the day off from work and was sleeping. The kids called him a few times to see when he would get home (not sure if she put them up to it). At one point, our friend (who suspects regardless of what we say.. he happens to work in the same field as well)... he remarked "wow, you're going to live in this huge apartment by yourself?" I think I must have looked overwhelmed by everything, as MM then gave me a secret squeeze on the shoulder. But of course, right after MM joined the other friend in teasing me...just like back in the old days when we first met. Then MM said he had to go, then when the kids called he said he would pick them up to come over for a bt (we weren't done moving things yet) (but I guess he changed his mind since he didnt..perhaps because it was so untidy there...and I had not even a place to sit). In the end, he ended up staying longer than he planned to, until everything was done and he had to take his kids to a birthday party... He didn't give me any secret winks or kisses or even a playful smack in the behind. Was him helping me move a sense of obligation to be there for me, a promise he was keeping, or.....what? What did that squeeze mean?
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Today I saw him. He came to help me move, as he promised me he would. He got another friend to help, and all this time I'm thinking... his W wasnt feeling well and she took the day off from work and was sleeping. The kids called him a few times to see when he would get home (not sure if she put them up to it). At one point, our friend (who suspects regardless of what we say.. he happens to work in the same field as well)... he remarked "wow, you're going to live in this huge apartment by yourself?" I think I must have looked overwhelmed by everything, as MM then gave me a secret squeeze on the shoulder. But of course, right after MM joined the other friend in teasing me...just like back in the old days when we first met. Then MM said he had to go, then when the kids called he said he would pick them up to come over for a bt (we weren't done moving things yet) (but I guess he changed his mind since he didnt..perhaps because it was so untidy there...and I had not even a place to sit). In the end, he ended up staying longer than he planned to, until everything was done and he had to take his kids to a birthday party... He didn't give me any secret winks or kisses or even a playful smack in the behind. Was him helping me move a sense of obligation to be there for me, a promise he was keeping, or.....what? What did that squeeze mean? Hello, I've just replied to your other thread and hadn't seen this one. I'm hoping the squeeze was a squeeze of support for you... but my gut is suggesting what I think you were meant to wonder... did it mean that he envisages moving into this large place one day..? I sincerely hope he wasn't trying to mess with your mind in that way.
child_of_isis Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 He has already told you that he wouldn't leave his wife for another woman. So at least you know where he stands on that issue. Now the ball is in your court. You have to decide what you want in a relationship and if you will settle for anything less.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 This is why the friend thing won't work for you. For him, it's easy as he KNOWS where things stand in his mind - He isn't leaving his wife. It is what it is... For you though, you'll be full of questions, analyzing this and that - What he says, the way he looks at you, squeezes your shoulder...You look into what 'it' means, when infact I think it means nothing. Why do you want his friendship? What are you looking for out of him?
KATANYA Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I am in the same boat in many ways as you are Heartbroken and I think I understand why you want the friendship to continue. I just keep trying to ask myself the same questions: What do I gain by keeping him as my friend and what do I lose if I continue the A? Every time it comes down to the same thing....I'd rather keep him as my friend (not with any strings or FWB options - just great friends who have been great supports to each other).
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 today is a bad day for me. he hasn't called me at all today, after seeing him yesterday. i am heartbroken once again.... and the thought that he isn't thinking of me or missing makes me feel so sad when he consumes so much of my waking being. it's my fault for falling for him. I was the one who started it, we were great friends who spent alot of time together but i was unhappy in my last relationship, and that's how things started. my ex(13-14 years) had everything together, house, business, dogs (i know it's not the same as kids but it's still a big repsonsiblity), and i saw no way out of the relationship i was in. in my heart i knew he was cheating but it was never proved so i didn't know how to make it work anymore when all we were doing was drifting in opposite directions and he refused to acknowledge that i was unhappy or that there was anything wrong. i started hanging out alot with MM and we were just friends, i knew he was married, why did i fall for him? he never told me he would leave his family for me, he NEVER told me that, despite telling me he loved me. i don't know if he gave me false hopes because he never said any of that stuff to me. he told me he missed me, he told me he was thinking of me, why? oh it hurts so much to be without him now. i think of the times when he was there for me, then i think of the times when he wasn't. i am angry at myself, why can't i separate the two? sex is sex, love is love. if you love someone, then you are supposed to want them to be happy, why do i want him to miss me terribly? why am i so selfish? can i just be friends? you ask why i want to remain friends with him.... i want to be friends because that's what we were for the past 10 years.... i confide alot of things to him, and he to me as well. i will miss that, i have no one else in my life really, my friends which i used to hang out with are all on my ex-bf's side because he is more the partyer. all (2 of them) my best girlfriends have gotten married and have their own family to deal with. for the past 3 years, i have gone to work, and most nights we would be on the phone or IM until we met up to go to a movie, have dinner or a drink, or... we would spend HOURS on the phone, he would call me every chance he got, or text me. sometimes we talk lightly, sometimes we talk serious...i feel so alone without him and i feel so weak. he's smart, hilariously funny, handsome, and those eyes.. his hands are so strong, he has helped me through some really hard times in my life (breakup, moving, new career, schooling), he was there for support and offered alot of encouragement... he drove me to school whenever he could, picked me up from school and we would have dinner, drove me on errands, accompanied me to look for a new place to live... helped me work on the old house so i could sell it, helped me move after it sold... he's my rock and my foundation, and i don't know what i'm going to do without him. i'm trying to keep things in perspective and think back to the times pre-R and trying to get my mentality back like he's doing with me... but it's hard, when you see the other side, once you let your heart open, how can it so easily be shut? he once told me that just because he doesn't say it or show it, doesn't mean he doesn't love me or isn't thinking of me. is he thinking of me now? HELP.
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 he hasn't called me at all today, after seeing him yesterday. i am heartbroken once again.... and the thought that he isn't thinking of me or missing makes me feel so sad when he consumes so much of my waking being. This is why you cannot be 'just' friends with him. You're TOO emotionally attached to him. You love him and care for him too much to be 'just' friends... Hate to say it, but you need to think about doing NC. If you don't, and you continue on the path you're on now, you'll drive yourself nuts. Literally.
frannie Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 today is a bad day for me. he hasn't called me at all today, after seeing him yesterday. i am heartbroken once again.... and the thought that he isn't thinking of me or missing makes me feel so sad when he consumes so much of my waking being. ..... he's my rock and my foundation, and i don't know what i'm going to do without him. he once told me that just because he doesn't say it or show it, doesn't mean he doesn't love me or isn't thinking of me. is he thinking of me now? HELP. Heartbroken the way to deal with it is to know that you can rely on yourself, be there for yourself, and count on you at all times no matter what happens. When you can feel that way about yourself, then being in love no longer becomes a desperate feeling of helplessness, but a sharing between two people who are simultaneously strong within themselves, and can offer to support each other in times of need. None of those things apply to this relationship or your situation at the moment... which is why it's hurting so badly. But if you work on those aspects of yourself and situation... then things can only get better, in fact they can get fantastic, in your future.
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