Ruby Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 He text me I have told him it is over and have told him not to contact me. He text me yesterday saying "Can we meet up pne day to sort this out as I really miss you" I didnt reply He text today saying "shall I take that as a no?" I didnt reply This is not easy I wish it would all be ok and that he would say the right thing and it will all be ok! Why does love hurt so much? I have burning tears behind my eyes all the time and a thump in my chest that is like a physical pain. I miss him so much.
AriaIncognito Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I'm sorry you're hurting Ruby, but you will feel better, with time. It sucks, but you're doing whats best for you. You obviously had reasons for it ending, and are sticking behind the decision. Good for you. If he keeps pushing you, can you block his numbers/email etc so that he can't get through? You asked him for NC, if he wont abide by it, make it so that you can't see his messages.
Author Ruby Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 The problem is that deep down I dont want us to break up. I have realized that I need to let him see how it is to really lose me. I have given him enough chances. I want him to wake up and see what he is losing. Do you think he will?
with_out_a_safteynet Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 It sounds like this guy has done you dirty more than once. If that is the case than it will be awake up call.You definitely need to stick to your guns and most likely move on, cuz most of the time the lesson is not learned completely if you keep going back to him.
Author Ruby Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 How long do I have to do this to make him see what he has lost? I really miss him
compassion42 Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 You mentioned that you wish he would just "say the right thing and it would all be ok". Do you think maybe that's what he is trying to do?
Jack Africa Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 What did he do that was so bad ? Just getting him to "miss you " is not enough, neither is him "saying the right thing" .He needs to be willing to "DO" the right thing. Does he understand your grievance fully.
brothermartin Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 What did he do? And if you miss him, do you really think playing this game of pretending not to care is gonna make him take responsebility for whatever he did?
garnet Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Ruby, The title of your post is very revealing. Strong, healthy love is supposed to feel good! That is not what this relationship is, it's so obvious. I've said it before along with so many others, but I'll say it one last time. I don't think what anyone has said has ever really sunk in, but I'll try one last time. This man has serious issues. I'm not sure that some of these posters on the current thread are familiar with what the history is here. This is an unhealthy, codependent relationship. IF HE EVER CHANGES, IT WILL TAKE MUCH MORE TIME AND A LOT OF WORK ON HIS PART. You have to move on with your life in the meantime! This is not something that you can fix. But by continually going back to him you are perpetuating the problem. You are enabling him. He is completely disrespecting you by continuing to contact you when you've asked him not to! Don't you see that? Do you feel like you don't deserve better treatment than this on some level? Is that why you are so drawn to a man who is obviously not capable of giving you what you need and deserve? Give in now and agree to talk, and you'll be enabling his behavior once again. He knows you'll eventually give in, which is why he's respecting your boundaries this way. Please go back and reread the last thread you posted here. I thought you were finally beginning to see the light! Maybe I was wrong, and you'll go back for another round of pain. I really hope not, but I wish you the best.
jcster Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 This is an unhealthy, codependent relationship. Agreed. This relationship is toxic. You were unhappy when you were with him, too - remember? Codependent relationships masquerade as love, the way to tell the difference is the misery. How long do I have to do this to make him see what he has lost? I really miss him If you won't let him go for your own sake - let him go for his. You both are playing a sick game here, and it's obviously not fun anymore. People who love each other don't withhold their attention to make a point. If you find you can't do this on your own, then please, get some therapy - this really has to end.
Author Ruby Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 I do agree with you all I also know that I love this man He text me earlier saying will i call him as he will change He has never said that ... EVER I have not called him. This is not easy for me and I know you all judge me and think I am an idiot for even letting this bothering me but please remember that we all feel our own pain and this may be black and white to you all but to me it isnt. He isnt all bad, infact he is a lovely loving man who has done alot for me and who my child adores. I am doing my best here and even though I may not do everything you guys tell me, it does not mean I dont appreciate and, infact need your support.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Do you believe in your heart he will change? Will he go to therapy and learn how to 'be normal' in a relationship? Is he willing to admit his faults and try to make himself a better person? A better boyfriend, lover and companion? I think you know the answers... Ruby, you need to put him on block and stop reading his messages. What is your purpose of going NC? In hopes he'll change on his own and you'll take him back? You may need to change your mindset and look at this as a 'forever' break-up. If you don't, then you'll be stuck in this pattern for a long time...I'm scared in 2 weeks you WILL take him back, be weakened by his broken promises of change...He isn't going to change! He is testing you big time right now and hoping you'll cave, take him back, then things can go back to the way it was.
garnet Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I am not judging you nor do I think you are an idiot. Never have I thought this was black and white. My advice comes from a deep place of understanding, as I was in a relationship similar to this for many years. That is why I still take the time to reply to your threads, even though they make me so sad. It took far too many of these "cycles" before I finally learned to walk away. In my case I moved all the way across the country to really put a stop to it. It was ten years ago, but I still sad for all the time that was lost being in that unhealthy, toxic situation that was preventing me from growing as a person and becoming who I needed to be in order to find a healthy relationship. I think you're too close to the situation right now to really see it for what it is. One day you will understand what I'm saying.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 He text me earlier saying will i call him as he will change He has never said that ... EVER Yes, this is the desparate words of a man, saying he'll change. If he really meant it, he'd call you in afew weeks or even a month to tell you he's in counselling and changing in action, not just saying he will in words.
Timberlane Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Why does love hurt so much? It's like a wandering vine that wraps around every part of your consciousness. Once in place, if you ever want to get rid of it you will kill things it touches. There is no removing it without causing damage to parts of you. It would be nice if you could simply apply Roundup and be rid of it.
Chingy Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Why even have this sort of a conversation, I don't get you people! 1. You say you love him 2. You are avoiding him because you want him to feel his "loss" 3. You are miserable because of your current situation, and you seemingly want to get back as soon as possible Then why don't you just go back to him? If you love him so much, then do so. Forget what people are telling you on here, trust your instincts. Of course, whether or not it is the correct instinct will eventually show itself in the end. Good luck.
Timberlane Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I'm pretty much with you on this, Chingy. You can get back together with the person you feel you should be getting better treatment from and work on it from there. But if you break things off, nothing can or will change. You would be much better off to just meet someone else at that point. I don't see where the whole No Contact thing has improved things. It's really about the worst thing you can do to someone that cares for you.
SoHotZanzibar Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Ruby, Please. Give someone else a chance. He is not going to change. He is NOT! Repeat after me: He is not going to change. He is not going to change. He is not going to change Have you dated a guy in between this guy's disappearing acts? What are you afraid of?
garnet Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Then why don't you just go back to him? If you love him so much, then do so. Forget what people are telling you on here, trust your instincts. Of course, whether or not it is the correct instinct will eventually show itself in the end. Good luck. Do you really know enough about the background here to know what you're saying? This guy has been emotionally abusive to her.
Chingy Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Do you really know enough about the background here to know what you're saying? Try telling her that, smartie! It has nothing to do with me or you, and everything to do with her. You must not have read my comments correctly, but that's okay.
garnet Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 And you must not have followed this story over the past year. And if you have, I think your post is irresponsible given the OP's fragile state of mind. For what it's worth, I did get your point, but I feel your tone is out of line given the situation. People actually do have success here getting through to people and helping them break free of destructive situations. Lots of people here care about this woman and have been trying to help her see the light for a long time, and actually have had some success recently. She said herself that people's comments have really been getting through to her lately and helping her to stay strong. In the end, you're probably right, she will do what she wants to do and make her own mistakes. But that doesn't mean people can't still try to get through to her.
Cad Rake Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Love can't be convinced or reasoned with. All you're doing is delaying the inevitable.
mpower95 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I don't know the story of what happened in your relationship and what this guy did to you, but I really sympathize with you. Breaking up with someone is not as easy thing, and the void left in your life is even harder to deal with, once that person is gone. Judging from what people are saying about your ex, it sounds like he took you for granted and did not appreciate you. So now that you left him, he feels lost and doesn't have that feeling of power anymore. He says he'll change for you, but for how long will it last? I think getting back with him is bad news and would only be a temporary sense of happiness for you. Sure he'll change for a while, then when he gets comfortable things will go back to the way they were. This guy knows your ins and out, and what makes you tick. He knows how to triggers emotions in you that other people do not. It's easy to lose your strength when you think about how sad he is and how much he's hurting. But you gotta think about yourself and be strong. I say move on and start a new chapter in your life. Take it easy, Al
Author Ruby Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 I dont know if this site helps - It twists my head in 100 directions. I spoke to him last night and agreed to see him on Tuesday and I told him that it was no guarantee that thinsg would be ok. I told him that I was not happy and that if he could not chnage the things that I cannot put up with then just be honest. He said he does not want to discuss this on the phone as he wants to meet up and face to face it like adults! He told me he loves and misses me so much and I said that I miss him too, but that does not mean I am willing to remain unhappy with his treatment of me! I will just see what he has to say ....... If I do not like it I will walk, I promise!
Cad Rake Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Honey no offense but we don't really care what you do. And we're getting bored with this whole drawn-out thing. Do what you want, and after you've done it report back here and let us know if it was the right decision.
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