Did he love me? How do men compartmentalize things so easily?

[Sparklyred]

:love:PLEASE RESPOND IF YOU ARE READING THIS:

Oh god, do you ever ask yourself why you do these things? I do, and all I can come up with is that I feel so alive, so wanted, so special, so sexy- when I'm wanted by this MM. We live in the same neighborhood. We play on the same sports team. I see him 2x a week. We had a brief (2 month) intense affair - I knew and he knew- that the chances of it working out were slim to none- and the chances of it ending badly were very strong. and yet, though we talked about it, our intense desire for one another overcame our logic and we embarked on what has been the most fulfilling relationship I've had in years- one where my heart sung. where I felt so satisfied. But I fell in love. I broke the rules. I said he had to make a decision and I ended it. But then I went back. I think by doing this I cheapened myself. Then he ended it and said that what we had, when we had it, was so special to him but that I met him at a low point in his relationship with his wife- apparently, since he ended it with me, it's better with them. But I see him all the time and we have very little contact otherwise. I text him and he rarely texts me back. It's so ****ing humiliating. Makes me feel like such a loser. And it makes me want him more.

 

I keep saying to myself, it's the guys who YOU DON'T WANT who want you. The guys you want, obsess over, they are always running/. So don't want him and he'll come back to you. But I can't seem to do it. I always end up initiating contact.

 

Can anyone relate? How do we get over this? It's so humiliating. really. I feel like when I see him that I have lessened myself in his eyes, that even though he's in a bad relationship (he says he's not compatble, that he wants kids and she doesn't, that they rarely have sex, that she has low self confidence and he loves my confidence, etc) he still chooses her over me. He won't even see me secretly and that makes me feel so low.

[lost4ever]

 

Can anyone relate? How do we get over this? It's so humiliating. really. I feel like when I see him that I have lessened myself in his eyes, that even though he's in a bad relationship (he says he's not compatble, that he wants kids and she doesn't, that they rarely have sex, that she has low self confidence and he loves my confidence, etc) he still chooses her over me. He won't even see me secretly and that makes me feel so low.

 

I hope you feel low because you are trying to trick him into seeing you secretly....

 

It's hard to get over someone that you liked, really hard when the realationship ends unfinished. But you need to understand that you are not getting him "back" If you act like you don't care, he still will not come back, if you act like you do care, he will not come back....He picked to stay with his wife...game over

[Darth Vader]

To the poster, you haven't said yet if you are married........

[Sparklyred]

No, I am not married.

[reboot]

even though he's in a bad relationship (he says he's not compatble, that he wants kids and she doesn't, that they rarely have sex, that she has low self confidence and he loves my confidence, etc) he still chooses her over me.

You do realize that he's lying to his wife? So what makes you think he was telling you the truth? What else did you expect from a man that would cheat on his wife?

 

The most common excuse they give is they are "staying for the children". He can''t even use that one. Sorry, he was just using you and had no intentions of ever leaving his wife.

 

Sorry for being harsh, but you need to see what a louse this guy is.

[overandout]

You do realize that he's lying to his wife? So what makes you think he was telling you the truth? What else did you expect from a man that would cheat on his wife?

 

The most common excuse they give is they are "staying for the children". He can''t even use that one. Sorry, he was just using you and had no intentions of ever leaving his wife.

 

Sorry for being harsh, but you need to see what a louse this guy is.

 

REBOOT, yes that is true; how many OW fall for that old line:love:

 

Sparklyred, I don't think you "cheapened yourself" when you went back with him but I think that it gave him the upper hand and you lost your credibility.

I was in the same situation, resuming with xmm several times and he got used to me returning to him. HOWEVER every time I went back I felt that the affair meant less and less to him, and I felt that I was almost offering myself to him on a plate and he made less and less effort. He disrespected me more each time I went back to him I should have stayed away a lot earlier than I finally did believe me.

I think you can see this though in your post.

 

I hope you stay away as there doesn't seem to be a future with him and he is staying married and working on his marriage. Even if he's not working on it, he is telling you this to make you move on with your life. You shouldn't see it as a challenge.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

Sparkly,

I wish I had advice for you. I'm kinda in the same boat and trying to figure it out myself also. It's hard, I know what you're going through.

[Lyssa]

Can anyone relate? How do we get over this? It's so humiliating. really. I feel like when I see him that I have lessened myself in his eyes, that even though he's in a bad relationship (he says he's not compatble, that he wants kids and she doesn't, that they rarely have sex, that she has low self confidence and he loves my confidence, etc) he still chooses her over me. He won't even see me secretly and that makes me feel so low.

 

I'm not sure if I can relate to your situation as mine is different.

 

The fact that he told you things are better now should tell you that he isn't going to leave and that affair was a one off thing. It may seem like it's the end of the world but it isn't!

 

Keep yourself preoccupied with things. You will get over it. It will definitely take time but you will.

[frannie]

:love:PLEASE RESPOND IF YOU ARE READING THIS:

Oh god, do you ever ask yourself why you do these things? I do, and all I can come up with is that I feel so alive, so wanted, so special, so sexy- when I'm wanted by this MM. We live in the same neighborhood. We play on the same sports team. I see him 2x a week. We had a brief (2 month) intense affair - I knew and he knew- that the chances of it working out were slim to none- and the chances of it ending badly were very strong. and yet, though we talked about it, our intense desire for one another overcame our logic and we embarked on what has been the most fulfilling relationship I've had in years- one where my heart sung. where I felt so satisfied. But I fell in love. I broke the rules. I said he had to make a decision and I ended it. But then I went back. I think by doing this I cheapened myself. Then he ended it and said that what we had, when we had it, was so special to him but that I met him at a low point in his relationship with his wife- apparently, since he ended it with me, it's better with them. But I see him all the time and we have very little contact otherwise. I text him and he rarely texts me back. It's so ****ing humiliating. Makes me feel like such a loser. And it makes me want him more.

 

I keep saying to myself, it's the guys who YOU DON'T WANT who want you. The guys you want, obsess over, they are always running/. So don't want him and he'll come back to you. But I can't seem to do it. I always end up initiating contact.

 

Can anyone relate? How do we get over this? It's so humiliating. really. I feel like when I see him that I have lessened myself in his eyes, that even though he's in a bad relationship (he says he's not compatble, that he wants kids and she doesn't, that they rarely have sex, that she has low self confidence and he loves my confidence, etc) he still chooses her over me. He won't even see me secretly and that makes me feel so low.

 

I think you need to work out why you chose to engage with him at the beginning, when from what you wrote here it seems there was an agreement that there was to be no love (?), no real chance of it 'working out' and a high likelihood of a bad ending. You chose to go into that situation for some reason, and you need to find out what that reason was.

 

Secondly, the more he pulls away, the more desperate you become in effect chasing him because the pain of losing him is immense. I think you need to look at why being 'abandoned' by him feels so much worse than 'cheapening and humiliating' yourself by texting him and asking him to meet you when all you get is rejection.

 

I think that if you concentrate on these two aspects, you might find some answers. Because its not really all about a man you've been seeing for two months... it can't be, because you can really only barely know the man. It's all about you... and the problems you're having can show you paths to personal growth and understanding, if you are willing to embrace them..?

[Reckless]

EXCELLENT post from Frannie.

 

I would only add a comment on your admitted desire for the unattainable and lack of attraction for the men that want you.

 

Although to some degree, what we cannot have is desirable to us, we usually grow up enough to not allow that feeling to motivate our actions and influence our choices.

 

When we're 14 we have unbearably wonderful crushes on men or women that we cannot have. That's okay because we are not emotionally or even physically ready to embark on a real life, grown up, honest-to-goodness, hard working relationship. We obsess from afar until we reevalute our needs and get a grip on who we are and what it means to really be "in love" as opposed to being infatuated.

 

Unless you are 14 you need to really, honestly assess what it is about you that hasn't progressed beyond the need for the rush of an impossible 'love' as opposed to the solid real life compromises of a relationship.

 

Learn from your experiences or end up old and stupid and probably hopelessly infatuated with the geriatric nurse that changes your catheter on visiting days.