Vertex Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I've been dating my current girlfriend for about a year now -- we are both college students that live in the same dorm house even though she pretty much stays in my room 90% of the time. Recently I found out she was bulimic. I've gained a lot of weight over the past year because she'd constantly be hungry and she'd be upset if I didn't go eat with her. Now I know where that killer appetite came from. Regardless, lately she's been purging 5, 6 times a day now. I can't go out to eat with her without knowing she is just going to puke it up in a matter of minutes. I have trouble kissing her because of the psychological implications, and it feels less clean to me even after she brushes her teeth. Recently we've had some troubles in the relationship that we'd agree to work on -- she's seeing a bulimia support group, and wanted me to basically not interfere with her matters in this area. I'd always tell her she needed to keep her food down/needed to cut down her food portions/etc, and this would upset her. So I agreed that as long as she was seeing the group, I'd butt out of it and let her manage it. However, this morning I went to order some delivery online, and my girlfriend wanted food too. However, she always wants so much food. She wanted a large 16+ inch pizza, a chicken platter with fries/rolls/potatoes, a shrimp basket, etc, which is more food than any one person can handle in a healthy way. I told her I refused to order all that food for her. She said she'd pay me back, but I said this wasn't the issue. I was not going to facilitate her eating habits. She got upset and said I was interfering again -- I said on the contrary, I said I wouldn't interfere, which I haven't, but I am not going to be an enabler or facilitate the problem. So she moved all of her stuff out of the room and stormed out. She's done this a lot lately, and it's getting tiresome. I don't know what to do. This bulimia thing is tearing us apart. I want her to get help but she puts in me a position where I have to go against my worries and somehow overlook her problems.
spookie Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I've followed your threads about this girl and I wonder why you stay. This is the same girl that you've had disagreements with over money, right? I will elaborate later, and maybe it's just that your posts highlight the bad, but to me she sounds like a superficial spoiled brat with whom it would be impossible to have an equal relationship. I understand that she is beautiful and rich and seems like quite the prize, and I guess everyone wants different things, but if I were a guy I'd want someone who'd act like my equal, not like a petulant child.
uniqueone Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 The issue isn't food....it's control. When you told her what portions to eat and to keep her food down, you were telling her what to do......she felt controlled. When you refused to order her some food....she felt controlled. Control is what she's fighting for and is the reason she's bulimic. She obviously feels a lack of control in her life...in her emotions...in everything. The only way she feels in control is in her purging. The food she eats numbs her emotions that she can't deal with and the purging controls the the consequences of eating all of that food (weight gain) When you deny her food.....you're denying her the security blanket she needs to numb her pain. That's going to make her see you as the enemy. You're contributing to her pain. That's why she left. She's going to a support group and you should give her credit for that. You shouldn't expect her to change overnight and just because she's going to a support group doesn't mean she won't still binge and purge. It takes time. And it takes support from the people in her life. On the other hand, she's putting you in a difficult situation by asking you to be her supplier. She may still want to binge and purge and you should understand that it can be a slow process, but she shouldn't expect you to help her with it. But it's like a drug addiction and if she can't get it on her own (due to money)....and she can't get it from you...then she's going to look to someone else to get it from....until the time that it takes for her to recover fully. Don't judge her though and don't tell her what to do. Let her know that you're there for her but you can't assist her in her habit. And be there to talk to her...non-judgementally. Because this isn't an issue about food...it's an issue about buried emotions and a feeling of a lack of control in ones life.
Recommended Posts