I hate sex - This is a long post!!

[Sarah1]

Hi

I don't know what to do. Here is my issue:

I don't like sex. At all. I live with my boyfriend of over two years. I love him a lot, and I love cuddles and kissing, but I don't like anything more.

 

I used to go crazy on the sex - one time I made him stay home from work and we stayed in bed all day - I think it added up to eight times. It doesn't really feel nice any more, and I don't have any feeling in my breasts (I haven't for a while, my doctor thinks there's nothing to worry about) so there's no fun there either. I have no libido whatsoever, even after trying those stupid herbal supplements (horny goatweed and the like).

 

We have been having conversations about it, and I just feel worse and worse, because he shouldn't have to go without because I hate it, that's not right. It's a basic human need (just not for me). We even talked about him having sex with other people but staying with me as long as I didn't see it.

 

It's been about a year of this, and last night after work he went to his work bar with his friend Maxine, who I can't stand (as I found out later whan I met her). We met up for dinner, and they were both drunk, while I had had an awful day at uni in a mock trial for 6 hours. She was messy and ridiculous and he thought she was funny. She was wearing a top that kept falling down and showing entire breast, not just bad cleavage, and it was really unattractive and grossed me out. I knew she wanted him before because he told me, and she told me later as well. Also, she kept (in a completely un-subtle way) touching him inappropriately, which was embarrassing in the restaurant especially as we are friends with the owner.

 

We all went to a nightclub I really wanted to go to, but she was so drunk it wasn't any fun and we had to pretty much babysit her, and she was constantly touching up my boyfriend and whatnot, and she even tried to kiss me but I told her to leave me alone. Quite frankly, she was disgusting. We had to leave early because she had decided she wanted my boyfriend and was going to hang off him and be annoying and it wasn't fun for anyone. Especially me, as I had been really excited about going to this club, and it got ruined by her selfishness.

 

We all went back to our place, and I knew something was going to happen so I pretty much ignored them on the walk back. He tried holding my hand, but he knew I didn't like her and she was all over him, so I didn't. We got home and put on the tv to watch this great movie scene that we both really like. About a quarter of the way in, she jumped on him, and they made out and touched each other and all that. Again, I knew this was going to happen, so I went downstairs and went to bed.

 

He came down and asked if I was ok. I knew he was really frustrated with me and everything (not angry, he was really nice about it) and I said he could do anything he wanted as long as I couldn't hear or see it, and I went to bed. He went back upstairs and messed about. I found out later there was no penetrative sex, but it went on forever, and i could hear them in the spaces between the songs of the CD of mine he put on, and I kind of felt sick.

 

But to be fair, I don't really have any right to stop him, since he's not getting it from me, and he doesn't like her that much anyway, it's just a release thing. But I really feel like there's something wrong with me. How can I get my libido back? I feel like I am not a whole person.

 

He came to bed after (he had a shower and everything, and put her in a taxi) and said he loved me and that I was really good and understanding and everything, but I just felt like I was letting him down.

Can someone please help me? I don't know what to do. How can I fix myself?

 

Sarah

[LucreziaBorgia]

Have you discussed the libido problem with your doctor?

[Tony T]

Your boyfriend is a saint but your relationship will not be able to sustain itself over a long period of time. It's insane for you to put up with him being all over some woman in the same apartment or house...or allowing him to screw other woman as long as you don't know about it. It's insane for him to have a girlfriend if he has to go elsewhere for sexual release.

 

It is extreme naive of you to think that your boyfriend can be all over a woman all night, while you're sleeping downstairs, and not be into her (especially if they didn't have intercourse) in some special way. That just doesn't happen.

 

I think your boyfriend will eventually let you go out of frustration. The way your relationship is being conducted now cannot last forever.

 

You need to find yourself a guy who has the same level of interest in sex as you do...and hope both of you remain in the same place. That's the only type of person you will have a fulfilling relationship with. What you have now is beyond nuts...and I hope you will see this soon.

 

You absolutely need medical help about the libido problem. You are way too young to go through the rest of your life without enjoying sex. I personally think it's a psychological thing and you need to get to the root of it. Sex is mostly in the brain so somehow you pleasure center is being blocked by some previous experience or self pronouncement.

[sao2]

Sometimes people get an idea about themselves stuck in their mind and refuse to let that idea go.

 

You have it stuck in your head that you hate sex and this is causing problems in your relationship.

 

Do you hate sex more than you hate imagining your boyfriend with someone else?

 

I think you should go to counseling.

 

For a starters I think you should be using different language to describe your situation.

 

Rather than saying "I hate sex" you could rephrase that to say "I have been disgusted by anything sexual for the past year" Do you see the difference? The first statement is a statement about who you are where as the second statement is a statement about your situation. By saying "I hate sex" you simply reinforce the attitude and make it harder for yourself to get past it.

 

Rather than "I don't like anything more" You can say "Recently I have not wanted anything more"

 

These are just little tricks but seriously you need to see a counselor.

 

If you masturbate maybe you could try some mutual masturbation where you each watch the other. That can be very intimate. If you don't masturbate you should start.

[ttree]

Hi

 

Sorry to hear about your story, I have been in a similar situation, I used to love sex, until a few years ago I had a really bad experience where I was attacked by a guy I was on a date with and it put me right off.

For several years I struggled with issues to do with sex and intimacy, but I still loved the kisses and cuddles and the affectionate stuff.

I never told anyone until one dayI broke down and told my boyfriend, he encouraged me to get some help, I went to my GP who arranged some counselling for me.

I think this might really help you, your partner sounds very supportive and if you can get him to bare with you while you find the root of the problem.

For me I found that within 3 months I had seen a huge improvement and although it something I still live with, its no longer an issue.

I think your first stop should be your doctor, for some tests to see if its a hormonal problem or something and if not he can refer you to a counsellor if its a psychological issue.

Good luck, hope it works

[GeminiWoman]

In my opinion, there is one of three things going on here:

 

1) You have a medical condition - hormonal- that is causing this. Believe it or not, hypothyroidism (low thyroid) can cause this among other conditions. I have hypothyroidism and when I went on medication my libido increased quite a bit.

 

2)You have some psychological issues unrelated to your boyfriend, which causes you to dislike sex. You said that at one time you enjoyed it with him so I suspect it is probably door #3....

 

3) There are issues in the relationship or you have conflicted feelings about him that is causing this. I speak from many year's experience. Some women (perhaps many) have to feel emotionally connected to their partner in order to have sex - to even want sex. When you first enter a relationship sex is one of the ways we connect. But, if after a while, things aren't going well or your feelings for him have changed or you are beginning to have doubts about him and suddenly sex loses it's appeal. It's taken me many years to understand that this is a red flag in a relationship. The first thing counselors will ask when you go into martial counseling is 'how's your sex life?" because this is usually indicative of the quality of the relationship.

 

The fact that you were 'able' to let him be with another woman tells me you have conflicted feelings about him. You need to ask yourself why you are in this relationship. Fear of being alone? Security? Maybe some counseling would be helpful to sort this out. Cheers.

[Sarah1]

Hi everyone

Thank you for replying so fast.

I have told my GP and a psychologist about this before. My GP asked what I was eating and then went on to a different topic, while the psychologist said "get over it and have sex with your boyfriend whether you want to or not"

 

I'm getting more and more worried, so I have a doctors appointment this week and I won't be leaving until he tests my hormone levels and makes some recommendations.

 

I can no longer afford the "just do it" psychologist, but my university offers free counselling, so I will be booking myself in to that this week also.

 

And today, when my boyfriend comes home from camping, I will tell him all this, and how the Maxine thing really made me feel. I guess because I feel like it is my fault, that I deserve feeling this bad.

 

Also, I did the thing girlfriends are never supposed to do, but I was so upset yesterday that I wasn't making very good decisions. I looked at his emails. As soon as I did it I wished I hadn't. Mainly becasue I found out that he went to lunch with this girl last week where she apparently got very excited, and he responded by sending her sex-related pictures of a couple of his ex-girlfriends - very explicit ones too. I am also going to ask him about this today when he comes home, and I have written down what I want to say, so I don't get crazy emotional and say something I will regret. I'm bored of regretting things!

 

Well, this is my plan for the day. I will (maybe) come back on and let you know how it all goes. I am really scared. But I have to do it - I can't sleep any more.

 

Thank you all for your help. I'm going to try and not give up!

 

Sarah

[Zona76]

Apparently it didn't upset you to discover your BF making it with Maxine.

I am going to suggest you end it.

I don't think you find him sexually appealing anymore.

Yes this could be hormonal. But if you are going to have to force yourself to "do the wild thing" with someone you aren't physically attracted to you're cheating. Yes Dear, you're cheating yourself.

Now if you were upset for her flaunting herself, and his jumping on her... I may see there some kind of problem that can be saved.

You may care enough to let him go without remorse.

[Sarah1]

Apparently it didn't upset you to discover your BF making it with Maxine.

I probably didn't explain very well. I am extremely upset that they did this, but I feel like it is my fault for not being attentive enough, so I just took it because I thought I had to. But I can't.

 

I told him all night that I didn't like her, and I hated how she was behaving towards him, but I was so lost with all these issues, and felt so bad about not wanting to have sex as often as he does, that I (very mistakenly) thought that something would work out - that he would just do it, get it out of his system, and help me, or something like that - I didn't exactly think it all the way through. But I don't think I communicated this as well as I could have.

 

While they were making out on the couch, I shouted "HEY" but neither of them even turned around. So I left, as I couldn't watch any more.

 

I still find him sexy - I think about him in my fantasies, and I love his attention. He is the only man who has ever manually (ie not by machine) given me an orgasm. I think one of my issues is that sex started becoming painful, but instead of saying anything, I just tried to ignore it. I think it's a lubrication thing (possibly hormonal again), and I have decided to tell him this today too - it's in my written out speech! He knows it hurts me sometimes, but I don't think he knows the whole story, so hopefully this will help.

 

I'm just hoping I can get through today. I have no one besides this forum to talk to, so I will probably be back a few times to vent some more!

 

I don't know, it may even all end today. I'm going to try not to think about that possibility right now, or I won't even dress myself.

 

Thank you all for your support. Still scared. He isn't home for 5-ish more hours - the waiting is almost as painful!

 

Sarah

[LakesideDream]

Be more aggressive with your doctors! I was nearly murdered twice by different doctors, and will never be the same physically. Modern doctors don't even know who you are when you leave their office. Moreover they don't care.

 

If you don't get the answers you want from them, keep at them, or find another doc who will take an interest in your condition rather than your insurance policy or pocket book!

[funkybassplayer]

sex, no sex. people still slit up for one reason or another. It could be that you just dont fancy him anymore, and you dont feel turned on. Its hard to say though, as if you live with him, you must know if you do fancy him. It could be that the emotional connection is gone. If thats gone or was never their in the first place sex soon becomes an unloving act! If you fanct him, and have emotional connection, it could be something physical/phycologycal. My ex had huge sutained orgams, but was dry as a bone, which of course was not very nice for me, and put me off. i guess its like a guy not getting it up! How about stuff like clit stimulation, do you do stuff like that? does he massarge you? or are you compleatly off limits? sorry i know it sounds harsh but how else do you put it? do you bring yourself off? if you can, i suspect maybe you just dont find him that attractive. Sometimes pressure of a relationship can lead to this, but i guess if your living together, there is not a problem with timeing and stuff. It could be that its in your head now and on your mind all the time, so there is no way you can relax. At least he is not putting pressure on you, and he must love you very much, but no way should he be ****ing others. He should be with you, and trying to look after you and be loving to you, rather than jab another woman. Thats enough to put anyone off! It must have taken alot of guts to post this.

[Ali4134]

I went through this too, turned out, it was him. I wasn't attracted to him any more. I would tell people I was and truthfully nope. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him and I wasn't attracted to him any more....after 5 years. Could be that.

[funkybassplayer]

after a period of time you can see your partner as a father/brother or mother figure (subcontious). my mum is obsessed with cleaning, like my ex was! and sometimes i would feel like i was with my mum!! in fact i said this very thing, i feel like im at my mums house!! if that s not a turn off what is!!!

[Kamille]

I have been through a no libido phase with my ex too and boy do I feel for you and boy, do your posts bring me right back to my mindset back then.

 

Like you, I felt guilty all the time and felt like our couples lack of sex life and ensuing relationship problems were entirely my fault. My ex even supported this view, because it was much easier on his ego to put the lot of the problem on me, rather then try to see what he might have been doint that could have contributed to the problem.

 

Now with hindsight, and lots of post-break-up talks, we have both come to realize that the situation wasn't all so clearly my fault.

 

Also, you psy's advice? Complete bull****! People I consulted at the time would give me the same kind of fake it til you make it advice and it only made me hate sex more.

 

Since you say you enjoy cuddling and affection, what I would recommend is that the two of you engage in non-orgasmic, non-penetrative sexual play. Don't force yourself if the idea revolts you, but here is what I mean.

 

For 10 days - and make sure it is 10 days where the two of you don't have a lot of stress at work - make the commitment to reserve an hour every night to explore each other's bodies. The rule is, no penetration, no orgasms. Set the mood, even if it feels corny. Take a bath together, light candles, put romantic music on. Touch and explore each other's bodies as well as your own.

 

The whole point of this exercise is to explore another facet of sensuality-sexuality which perhaps has been forgotten since the two of you started having sex.

[Sarah1]

Well, he came back and we talked all about it. He didn't realise it would hurt me so much, but he wasn't that surprised that it did. I made my whole speech (well he read what I wrote down) and cried a bit.

 

He had always thought it was weird, and we agree that it was just an experiment, that went very badly.

 

She sent him a rude email after he told her it wasn't happening, so he told her what had happened. Apparently she had no memory of being so inappropriate all night even before the action at home!

 

I am going to the doctor for a hormone check and to talk about the pill and antidepressants and things (I'm minoring in pharmacology so I know what I need and I'm not leaving til I get it - most antidepressants mess with libido, as does depression. talk about your lose-lose situation!)

 

I'm still a bit sad about it all, but we are going to get through it all together. Kamille, I really like your idea - once I have my exam and essay this week, I think we will give that a try - seems more fun than TV!!

 

It seems like we are going to be ok. Thank you all for your kind posts and suggestions. I may check back and let you all know how it's going. It's ok now.

 

Thanks

Sarah