lost4ever Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 What did you want to hear? Look when you first read these threads the OW (you) tries to protect the MM, we know we love him and we know he loves us, as time goes on you will learn most of them are the same. we can tell you what you want to hear, but most of us know how it ends and are trying to save you from the pain, but since it is not working let me re-phrase my response to you... minerva63, Can you not tell this man loves you, I mean he had a wife and child and decided he would give it all up just to be with you, you are a wonderful women that deserves to be happy, so fight for him. Sure he is confused now and wants to work on his M, but sooner or later he will get kicked to the curb by his W, and will want to be with you, so hang on, hang on and remember the good times, don't go out with other men, sit at home and hope and pray that his wife leaves him, so you can feel the joy of having him as your own.....
Cobra_X30 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 correct me if i'm wrong, but this is a forum for "support and discussion". after reading some of these posts written while i was gone..... "phoney" thanks. cobra: selection criteria? i have no check list my options? decide if i am going to be available when he calls. Well, you seem to have had some issues with LTR's in the past. I'm wondering why. Sometimes to understand where your at you need to look at where you've been. Do you want to be available? Are you going to wait?
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 i have no objection to someone pointing out harsh realities. but but the tone here has been harsh towards be personally. if i wanted judgment i would still be talking to my married friends: "it can't be all that bad since you only knew him for two months" "you had to see this coming" "just get back out there" mind you, some of them haven't been on a date for 20 years! i thought by coming her i could get something based on reality. i'm not sure what i'm getting.
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 cobra, LTR: while i've never sought the white picket fence and children, i always thought i would have had a significant other at some point. i was never sure if that would be a 5 year, 10 year, or lifetime committment, but i wanted something that i could feel comfortable in. availability: seeing as i have absolutely no desire to date anyone right now--too much pain, too little trust, the oncoming holidays--i'll probably be single when he calls. i just can't say what i will do then. i haven't a clue.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 cobra, LTR: while i've never sought the white picket fence and children, i always thought i would have had a significant other at some point. i was never sure if that would be a 5 year, 10 year, or lifetime committment, but i wanted something that i could feel comfortable in. availability: seeing as i have absolutely no desire to date anyone right now--too much pain, too little trust, the oncoming holidays--i'll probably be single when he calls. i just can't say what i will do then. i haven't a clue. I'm not trying to bash on you. You paint pretty bleak picture of your past dating experiences. I'd like to give you hope for the future. I dont want to see you hang all your dreams on this married guy. I also dont want to see you just throw in the towel. Why do you think that you have had such poor luck with men in the past?
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 cobra, you tell me. i typically have not dated casually. sure, there have been a few spells where i went out because, well, why not. but 90% of the time i have to really like and see potential to take the time and go out even past the first date. and yes i do make quick decisions about people. and yes i am a strong believer in the ever elusive chemistry. but looking at my past boyfriends, i don't see a common thread in personality. but looks, yes. i'm a sucker for cute boys with brown hair and eyes.
imstunned Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Cute guys with brown hair and eyes?? were we seeing the same man?
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 apparently all these married men who cheat are the same guy......
pollywag Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 i dont think there's a contradiction at all. let's try a different analogy. i have been shopping for many years for that perfect little dress and for whatever reason none of them have fit. so while i acknowledge that the perfect dress exists for other people, after so much shopping, i've come to realize that perhaps there is no perfect little dress for me. perhaps i'm going to have to settle for the less than perfect dress, perhaps one worn and returned by someone else, 'cuz i'm not willing to share the dress. do i want a perfect dress? of course. but as i've said before, i no longer expect to find it. i've been asked if i think i deserve a better dress. that is such an interesting word choice. there are so many things in life that have nothing to do with worth. i'm a teacher. do i think as a profession we deserve more respect and pay? of course. am i likely to ever see that happen? no. am i therefore "settling" if i continue to teach? through a genetic, spiritual, whatever crapshoot, i ended up being born in a country with one of the highest standards of living in the world. do i deserve it more than the poor woman in Bangledesh? again, worth has nothin' to do with it. My child the prefect dress does not exist, look at me do you think my dress is perfect? No it isn't but my habbit makes me feel good about myself, and I can walk proud in it and I found it at the Salvation Army for under $5. Instead of looking for the perfect dress look for one that may not be prefect but it makes you feel good in it.
KATANYA Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Minerva.....welcome to LS. As with a lot of us who are newer here, you came looking for answers and probably feel that some were more like attacks. Don't feel that way.......some posters have very direct and harsh ways of telling their opinions and , believe it or not, sometimes that's just what we need to hear ( and other times you learn just to ignore the post and move on.) Take Cobra's questions from a different angle.....why did your relationships end? What do you expect from men and what do you feel are their expectations of you...Have the relationships you've had met with your expectations? I'm asking it that way because your relationship with MM is not about two lovelorn people finding their way through darkness to each other.....its not about two people who were destined to be together and are now in the throws of despair because their love is forbidden.......leave all those notions for the romance novels. You and MM were attracted to each other, he had qualities you were drawn to and vice versa. I sense that you are a woman who is honest, intelligent and truthful - so apply all those things here. The man that you are devastated over and who you have allowed to break your heart and take away all faith you had in men is a man who was not honest about the one thing that means more than ANYTHING else. He was not honest about being free to love you in the way you deserve to be loved and in the way you have been looking to be loved your entire life! He did not give you a CHOICE to decide if you wanted to love his kind (a MM). Now, maybe you are at a point in your life where you are prepared to accept that the 'small' bits of love he can possbily give you (when he and his wife are not sharing time, vacations, family events, etc. together) and that is enough and it gives you more joy to spend a day a week or a day or two every month with this man than to try to find one that will be yours to love whenever you want.......that is what YOU need to decide! Many of us OW know our MM won't leave their M or their W (unless she kicks him out..but chances are she'll take him back again!). But many MM will continue to say they are confused, need time and plan to leave because it keeps us waiting - keeps us available. On a different path, many of us don't want our MM to leave their M. We are very much like you in that we are single, independent women who happened to have found 'love' or 'friendship' with a man that is also someone's H. By virtue of logic here, the OW is NOT going to come first (and sometimes not second or third either, depending on children, family etc.) but we love our MM and the relationship and the time we have with them works for WHAT WE WANT AND NEED in our lives (without getting into the morality issues, etc. etc. etc. that we get blasted for all the time here.) You know what the difference is though.....for many of us, we know the MM is a liar and a cheater (duhh....he's a MM with an OW - he gets the titles by default)..but we started the relationships knowing that he was a MM. Your MM lied to you and deceived you into a relationship...to me, that's a major deal breaker. I got into my R with the MM KNOWING exactly what I was getting --you've only been in for 2 months, were lied to by the MM, confronted by the W (who by the way sounds like she's been doing this before you came along if she's that quick to seek you out)......you dont deserve what you're getting. If you decide you want to pursue options with the MM, why don't you take this time away from him to check him out! Find out how many affairs he's had before you. Get the low down on what type of guy he is. Maybe you'll find that there is a difference in being alone and being lonely and with this guy in your life, you may be the loneliest you've ever been! My bet is that you will be the one calling the other women asking for explanations while he's trying to sneak a text message in to his next victim. By the way, you don't sound pathetic to me! You sound like a woman who has everything she could want from a professional and personal life except that special someone to share it with.......but I wouldn't settle just yet. I've said it before in other posts.."Many settle for anyone - I want to wait for 'the one'" and I've been married twice before my friend. It's no better settling and going through the pain of divorce than it is being alone wondering where our knight in shining armour is (but it costs alot less). Good luck to you.
Recommended Posts