minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 it was two weeks ago today that i received the call that ruined my life. on oct 11, i spent an amazing evening with a man i had been seeing for the past two months. the attraction had been immediate and he showered me with attention on nearly a daily basis. he told me he could see himself falling in love with me. he said he wasn’t dating anyone else, didn’t want to date anyone else, and asked where i thought we were going. and on oct 12, his wife called. I haven’t been the same since. unlike other relationships, i had no sense of impending doom. unlike other break-ups, i have no desire to get back out there and find someone better. i don't believe he exists. my trust in men and the belief in finding "him" has evaporated. two weeks later and i'm spending my friday night crying and trying to type away my pain. this is sooooooo hard. why?
lost4ever Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 You didn't know he was M? ouch that hurts, it is harder then a normal R but for the life of me I can't figure it out either....Has he tried to contact you?
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Did you know he was married before getting involved with him? Does he have any children? All I can say is, be glad this happened now, 2 months in. Imagine your pain if you'd be with him for a year or two! Try your best to work through the pain and heal yourself. Don't cry over him for too long...He isn't worth your tears!
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 i had absolutely no idea. i was literally nauseous from the shock. having dated for awhile--i'm 43, never married--i have had more than my share of emotionally unavailable single men. this guy was totally different. have had a few phone calls from the wife. we've traded what we know so it's been strangely helpful and therapeutic for both of us. last night i asked her to stop calling though. not because i'm angry with her, but because i just need to get away from this. i had promised his wife i would not contact him, but i broke down and emailed him last week and asked him to respond to some questions and he said he would, but he wanted reassurances that it wouldn't get back to her and wanted time to think. he also wanted to know how i felt about him, and told me he missed me, wasn't certain what he was going to do, etc. we agreed to meet online at a certain time and place and at the last minute he emailed me and said he couldn't risk it right now. he was worried about losing his son, who is 15 months old, and in his words "not hurting yet" even after telling him--again--that my contact wasn't about a pushing for a choice, just answers, i've had nothing but silence since.
lost4ever Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 THIS IS A TRAP, he is trying to think of away to set it up so you will stay on the side...these are all clues and fishing to see how you will react.. 1.) How do you feel about me (you should have said I feel like you are a lying dirt bag) 2.) I just don't know what to do yet (Yeah, well how do you think me and the wife feel, dirt bag) 3.) I can't leave my son, he will hurt (He is pulling the pity card, he will use this after you meet up with him again and become his other women) 4.) I miss you (this is seeing if there is hope to get you to be his OW) Look his first clue that you will go along with this OW thing was the e-mail, He knows you know about the wife and you said you wouldn't contact him--you did---this says to him that you want him, and are willing to sacrifice have a real R with him so he can keep his kid, and he is setting you yup to help lie to his wife so he can get away with it.....
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 after reading so many posts last night and this monring, i know i am supposed to hate him at this point, but i just don't think i'll ever be able to do that. no, i don't think he's that manipulative. i think he is genuinely confused. i know i am. our hearts want what they want. i think at that point, he was just thinking of where he would land should he bailed. our heads need to step in and take over sometimes--he's now decided to make a go of it because of his kids. i've got to respect him for trying to clean up his mess. i just wish part of that would have included giving me some solace. no, i don't think there have been others. it didn't take his wife long to figure out this one and she didn't know of anyone else. and no, i don't think there will be others. he's on a pretty short leash and she's pretty smart. my prediction for the future--eventually his wife show him the door. they've been separated before. she can't trust him now and he's hurt her too much. i just have to decide if i'm going to be available when that happens. pathetic i know, but that's where my head is at.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 my prediction for the future--eventually his wife show him the door. they've been separated before. she can't trust him now and he's hurt her too much. i just have to decide if i'm going to be available when that happens. pathetic i know, but that's where my head is at. If his own wife doesnt want him... why would you? Why settle for table scraps?
frannie Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 ... i don't think he's that manipulative. i think he is genuinely confused. i know i am. our hearts want what they want. i think at that point, he was just thinking of where he would land should he bailed. our heads need to step in and take over sometimes--he's now decided to make a go of it because of his kids. i've got to respect him for trying to clean up his mess. i just wish part of that would have included giving me some solace. ... my prediction for the future--eventually his wife show him the door. they've been separated before. she can't trust him now and he's hurt her too much. i just have to decide if i'm going to be available when that happens. pathetic i know, but that's where my head is at. Minerva, why should his W show him the door because "she can't trust him now and he's hurt her too much" when you, who have almost no history with him won't..? Can you trust him now..? You don't think he's manipulative, even though he lied to you about being married, pretended 'not to be dating anyone else' (nice approach), and leading you on. Of course he's manipulative. In any case... he's treated you really badly, and you're prepared to attribute that to 'confusion', and you're even willing to respect him and consider a future with him. That says a lot about the kind of treatment you'll accept for yourself. No one deserves that. But yes... 'love' gets in the way of making good decisions...
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 i think he is genuinely confused. He isn't confused. He knows exactly what he wants. He wants a wife, and a girlfriend too.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 after reading so many posts last night and this monring, i know i am supposed to hate him at this point, but i just don't think i'll ever be able to do that. no, i don't think he's that manipulative. i think he is genuinely confused. i know i am. our hearts want what they want. i think at that point, he was just thinking of where he would land should he bailed. our heads need to step in and take over sometimes--he's now decided to make a go of it because of his kids. i've got to respect him for trying to clean up his mess. i just wish part of that would have included giving me some solace. no, i don't think there have been others. it didn't take his wife long to figure out this one and she didn't know of anyone else. and no, i don't think there will be others. he's on a pretty short leash and she's pretty smart. my prediction for the future--eventually his wife show him the door. they've been separated before. she can't trust him now and he's hurt her too much. i just have to decide if i'm going to be available when that happens. pathetic i know, but that's where my head is at. You don't have to hate him...Why don't you try to look at it like we had the best times the short time we were together...It wasn't meant to be but now I know that I can love so deeply and passionately and when it's the right time, I'll be ready... Don't worry about him right now, worry about you... (((HUGS)))
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 cobra you asked why i would settle for table scraps. for some strays, that's all there is. i'm 43, never married, and my one-and-only long-term relationship (1 whole year mind-you) was 10 years ago. should i expect that things are gonna magically change for me?
Cobra_X30 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 cobra you asked why i would settle for table scraps. for some strays, that's all there is. i'm 43, never married, and my one-and-only long-term relationship (1 whole year mind-you) was 10 years ago. should i expect that things are gonna magically change for me? I know. Your situation isnt great. I understand the pain, feeling alone. There are guys right there with you. You may feel like these things have passed you by, but they have not! You still have everything a man can want, so ask for the same in return Its better to aim for the moon and miss, than to shoot for a pile of poo and hit! You see what I'm saying?
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 cobra you asked why i would settle for table scraps. for some strays, that's all there is. i'm 43, never married, and my one-and-only long-term relationship (1 whole year mind-you) was 10 years ago. should i expect that things are gonna magically change for me? What is up with you? You should blow Cobra out of the water for saying what he said...and instead you call yourself a stray and that you can't get any better... WTH? You can't get any better, because you don't believe you're better...No man wants to be with a woman who thinks she's nothing...They want someone who complements them... You have to project confidence and sexiness and playfulness and mystery...that's what attracts other people to you... So stop feeling sorry for yourself and work on YOU! You are worth it! You deserve happiness and love in your life! You need to believe it and project it! I don't care if you;re with a single guy or MM...But you shouldn't be in any R because you think you just can't do better... You should be in a R that meets your needs and makes you happy...one that enriches your life...If yours doesn't meet those criteria, then it's not a good R for you to be in... Sorry if I sound harsh, but you need to know that we're behind you and that you are WORTH it! ((HUGS))
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 frannie, "no, i don't think he's that manipulative." i was trying to explain that i don't think he was trying to set me up to be the girlfriend on the side. was he manipulative? yes. did he lie? god,yes. as for what i'm willing to accept, see my previous post.
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 WTH? You can't get any better, because you don't believe you're better...No man wants to be with a woman who thinks she's nothing...They want someone who complements them... You have to project confidence and sexiness and playfulness and mystery...that's what attracts other people to you... Green, its not the attracting, its the keeping. i am an accomplished, independent woman. i never worried about "finding" him. he was just going to come along one day while i was living my life. i don't think any of the men i've dated would label me as someone "who wants nothing better" i think i do "project confidence and sexiness and playfulness and mystery" i work out, look pretty darn good for my age, i'm smart, funny. etc. and then the years pass. and your heart gets broken. and more years pass and by now your heart is so duct taped together at this point its more patch than anything else. i want better. god i do want better. better just isn't out there for me.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 WTH? You can't get any better, because you don't believe you're better...No man wants to be with a woman who thinks she's nothing...They want someone who complements them... You have to project confidence and sexiness and playfulness and mystery...that's what attracts other people to you... Green, its not the attracting, its the keeping. i am an accomplished, independent woman. i never worried about "finding" him. he was just going to come along one day while i was living my life. i don't think any of the men i've dated would label me as someone "who wants nothing better" i think i do "project confidence and sexiness and playfulness and mystery" i work out, look pretty darn good for my age, i'm smart, funny. etc. and then the years pass. and your heart gets broken. and more years pass and by now your heart is so duct taped together at this point its more patch than anything else. i want better. god i do want better. better just isn't out there for me. Well, your last post doesn't say any of that...
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 enlighten me Umm...reread your post...you basically called yourself a stray cat who has to settle for scraps...not confidant or sexy or playful, but rather desperate and pathetic... I'm just trying to help but you seem to be doing a 360 here...Maybe you should decide who you are before you start posting...
Cobra_X30 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 What is up with you? You should blow Cobra out of the water for saying what he said...and instead you call yourself a stray and that you can't get any better... You have to project confidence and sexiness and playfulness and mystery...that's what attracts other people to you... Sorry if I sound harsh, but you need to know that we're behind you and that you are WORTH it! Blow me out of the water? You completely fail to see my intent. Projecting confidence and having confidence are two different things. You can attract all the worthy candidates you want, but if YOU dont feel like you deserve them... it wont work. Yes, she is worth it! It will take some time and distance before she can see that again.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 ...Why don't you try to look at it like we had the best times the short time we were together...It wasn't meant to be but now I know that I can love so deeply and passionately and when it's the right time, I'll be ready...With all due respect, you have simply GOT to be kidding? The guy CONNED her and LIED to her. He's nothing more than a smarmy, lying used car salesman who wanted to get laid. And the worst part is that Minerva is still making excuses for this toxic pile of human waste. Why do you suppose his wife caught him so quickly? She obviously doesn't trust him if she was able to catch him so early in the game. And just because SHE doesn't have proof of this creep swindling other women into bed doesn't mean he hasn't done it. Seriously - take OFF the rose-colored glasses and quit giving this piece of trash the benefit of the doubt. You were HAD. Nothing more.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Blow me out of the water? You completely fail to see my intent. Projecting confidence and having confidence are two different things. You can attract all the worthy candidates you want, but if YOU dont feel like you deserve them... it wont work. Yes, she is worth it! It will take some time and distance before she can see that again. Yeah, blow you out of the water...What do you think my response to you telling me that I am settling for scraps would be? It would be a cold day in hell before I would say that I am a stray and have to settle for what I can get... Your intent is not the point...the words and then the response is what is most telling...Someone who is confident does not consider themselves a stray and unworthy of more than scraps... And projecting confidence and being confident play into the other...you tell yourself it, and after awhile, you start to become it...Self-fulfilling prophecy, in reverse and with positive results...
Cobra_X30 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Yeah, blow you out of the water...What do you think my response to you telling me that I am settling for scraps would be? It would be a cold day in hell before I would say that I am a stray and have to settle for what I can get... Your intent is not the point...the words and then the response is what is most telling...Someone who is confident does not consider themselves a stray and unworthy of more than scraps... And projecting confidence and being confident play into the other...you tell yourself it, and after awhile, you start to become it...Self-fulfilling prophecy, in reverse and with positive results... You have a different personality. More than likely different issues. I assure you that if I felt you were settling for what you could get, I would have a different approach. You view yourself in relation to others in a different way. The point was that I had a pretty good idea what the response was going to be when I asked the question. It's clear from the tone of the first post that the issue at hand is self devaluation. My intent was to get onto that topic. Fake confidence is just that! Believe it or not, most people can smell a phoney.
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 i dont think there's a contradiction at all. let's try a different analogy. i have been shopping for many years for that perfect little dress and for whatever reason none of them have fit. so while i acknowledge that the perfect dress exists for other people, after so much shopping, i've come to realize that perhaps there is no perfect little dress for me. perhaps i'm going to have to settle for the less than perfect dress, perhaps one worn and returned by someone else, 'cuz i'm not willing to share the dress. do i want a perfect dress? of course. but as i've said before, i no longer expect to find it. i've been asked if i think i deserve a better dress. that is such an interesting word choice. there are so many things in life that have nothing to do with worth. i'm a teacher. do i think as a profession we deserve more respect and pay? of course. am i likely to ever see that happen? no. am i therefore "settling" if i continue to teach? through a genetic, spiritual, whatever crapshoot, i ended up being born in a country with one of the highest standards of living in the world. do i deserve it more than the poor woman in Bangledesh? again, worth has nothin' to do with it.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 perhaps i'm going to have to settle for the less than perfect dress, perhaps one worn and returned by someone else, 'cuz i'm not willing to share the dress. do i want a perfect dress? of course. but as i've said before, i no longer expect to find it. i've been asked if i think i deserve a better dress. that is such an interesting word choice. there are so many things in life that have nothing to do with worth. i'm a teacher. do i think as a profession we deserve more respect and pay? of course. am i likely to ever see that happen? no. am i therefore "settling" if i continue to teach? through a genetic, spiritual, whatever crapshoot, i ended up being born in a country with one of the highest standards of living in the world. do i deserve it more than the poor woman in Bangledesh? again, worth has nothin' to do with it. So, In essence your saying that that there are no other suitable men available? Perhaps we should go over your selection criteria? The reality of the situation is this. IF his wife dumps him, and he came to you, that would put you into a rebound situation. He has already shown the ability to lie and cheat. Oh... I know... it will be different when he is with you. However just keep that in the back of your mind. Yes, Life isnt always fair. But, you need to try... to fight and to strive. So what are your options as you see them?
Author minerva63 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 correct me if i'm wrong, but this is a forum for "support and discussion". after reading some of these posts written while i was gone..... "phoney" thanks. cobra: selection criteria? i have no check list my options? decide if i am going to be available when he calls.
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