Somebody just made me think of something...

[brothermartin]

I remembered something my ex-girlfriend told me about herself early on in our relationship. She said she had a tendency to be IDEALISTIC about things.

 

Thinking back, I remember a lot of times when she had real problems dealing with everyday stuff in life. Work, friends, family, RELATIONSHIPS...She had a history of this before me. So bad in fact, she spent some time in a hospital for a nervous breakdown.

 

I wonder,..did she ,at some point, confuse her IDEALISTIC point of views with the REALISTIC truth? She always seemed to be in touch with reality, but there

were times when it seemed that she just,...believed that what she thought she deserved was what she would get. Just from believing it! No waiting, no excuses!

 

I think, maybe, that in fighting for what she believed she deserved base on her IDEALISTIC point of view, the REALISTIC truth of what really was confused her. And when she was fighting the truth, she was actually fighting me. The truth is Im not perfect. I have issues. They complicate my life. But I know this, and so did she. Why was she so angry at me about that?

 

Dose this make any sense? Anybody that is familiar with my story, please respond. Am I really the crazy one?

[lost4ever]

I haven't followed your story...Are you trying to say she lived in a false reality, I get accused of that a lot! I will bring up to someone what they said to hurt me and they will tell me I just made it up, but I swear that is what they said

[brothermartin]

No, I dont think she lived in a false reality. But I do think that she had more trouble than me dealing with rough patches, in our relationship and in her own life. She told me once that she wished she were stronger and more able to handle difficult times, like me. We've both gone through some very hard periods in our lives, together and seperately. I wished she would give herself more credit and see that she is stronger than she thinks.

 

If you want to read the details of my story, I have threads in the COPING forum.

[MattyTee]

Hey Martin,

 

I've read a few of your posts. Something I have learned is that in relationships there does tend to be a projection of your own desires, wants and needs on to someone else. This can also create a sort of fantasy of what you believe things should be - primarily a sort of template created during childhood or periods of difficulty that you couldn't cope with. When the reality hits it can be a real shake up and often might make people react in emotional ways, possibly angrily. I doubt this is really anger at you but more at herself, perhaps she doesn't know where else to direct it. I think sometimes people get in their mind a 'perfect' relationship with another person (can be family, partner or friend) and when things don't turn out that way - because in reality people get upset, they get ill and look gross, they make mistakes, they throw tantrums - rather than taking a look at the template you have developed and thinking about whether that should change, it's easier to walk away and look for that 'perfect' relationship somewhere else. As time goes on and people get older, they tire of looking, they mature and perhaps that template will slip away or change.

 

I'm sorry if that sounds really confusing. I'm at work and didn't get a chance to think much about it Hope you can see what I'm saying!

[brothermartin]

Thanks Matty. Yeah, I see what your saying. But how can someone choose to take the easy way out, and at the same time claim they love you and care about you? Is that all a relationship is to women? Their with you until reality sets in, then they can just dump you because it wasnt some fairy tale dream that they cooked up in their own mind?

 

No wonder so many men say all women are crazy!

[MattyTee]

It's not just women, as I'm sure plenty of women will tell you! I would guess that projection happens in most relationships, if not all. You can also love and care about someone without wanting to be with them. In fact true, deep love is when you care more about their happiness and well-being than you do for your wants and needs (in my opinion). Being able to love and care about someone even when they aren't with you ... it's tough stuff (I'm trying).

 

As for the projection, it's not really anyone's fault - it's due to conditioning when we are growing up. We also have a picture in our mind of what a perfect partner would be and when we meet someone, fall in love and pursue a relationship then we will probably end up projecting some of that on to them. When the reality hits home, well perhaps that's why people get bored and pursue new relationships thinking that the next one will match that idea better. After a number of years of that people will gradually settle for less, project a little less and realise that in fact the new grass wasn't really that green in the first place

 

Just my two pennies ... what do I know, I've only had one relationship and she's left me now *grin*

[brothermartin]

Thanks again Matty. I apologize if my last comment offended anyone. Im still having surges of anger hit me from time to time. I know its not just women that do this, to me it just seems so,...counter-productive. I have always had a very firm grasp on reality, so much so that many of my friends have called me cynical and too negative. They prefer to focus all their attention on the positive side, where as I prefer to see both sides. It may get me labeled as a cynic, but it has its advantages to. It keeps me grounded, and that has taught me the value of critical thinking and resourcefulness. I understand what you mean when you say some people project, but to me it just seems like their setting themselves up and the other person to fall that much harder.

[MattyTee]

I agree Martin, but it's not a concious thing. In fact I think most people project - if you ask someone to list their perfect partner they would be able to give you some things they would like to see. In reality are you ever going to be able to meet someone who is like that? Should you? When you do meet someone and fall in love I think that naturally some of those projections come forward - without realising.

 

People are obsessed with being happy. They look around for all kinds of things to make them happy - a great job, a fast car, a perfect family, religion, lots of money, lots of sex ... etc. These things don't make people happy and neither does a relationship. I think people are too ready to blame their own unhappiness on someone else - particularly in a relationship. They think I'm not happy it must be their fault. They move on, find someone else and then a way down the line realise they aren't happy again ... what do they do now? Perhaps have an affair, maybe move on again ... it's an endless cycle. Maybe one day they realise that their happiness is not about other people or things, it's about them. It's about their relationship with themselves.

 

I find it hard to say what I mean so I'm not sure you'll get my meaning there. Basically I'm just trying to say that projection is part of that, because they think if they are in a perfect relationship they will be happy. The truth is even if you found the 'perfect' person who loved you for everything you were, good and bad ... you still wouldn't be happy, unless you found it through yourself.

 

Damnit, I sound like a lunatic *grin* ... I hope you get a chuckle out of that even if you have no idea what I mean...

[brothermartin]

Quite the oppisite Matty, I know exactly what you mean. I know Im not happy with myself, and I dont pretend to believe that someone or something is going to make me happy. I just wish my ex could have seen that. Maybe one day, she will realize that I wasnt the one that created or denied her happiness. I was just the guy that loved her,... and wanted to continue loving her.