So Sad Indeed

[noturtypicalwife]

Hi all,

I am having trouble trying to understand if not telling someone your married to(in way of just plain communication)about something is a lie. For instance you go and buy something, say nothing to your spouse, then he/she comes across it and asks you "when did you get that?" If you never said anything first off is that a lie? what about if they said "I've had that, I got it a long time ago, I told you you don't remember" Does anyone ever feel like, damn I guess they did, even though you know they never said a thing? Is this some sort of mind game? Some sort of way to make you feel stupid for even asking>Do you ever feel like well if he/she can't tell me the simple stuff what else are they hiding?

Lastly what about respect? how do you define that in a marriage? Is it disrespectful to make someone feel stupid, or dumb, and never acknowledge or change what u are doing to make that person feel that way? What about comments about other people, or jokes, things said that could be misconstrued? Is it disrespectful to say one thing when the doors are open, but when they r closed they act like they never hurt you?

[whichwayisup]

What exactly are you talking about clothes wise? Like underwear or lingerie?

 

I guess it all depends on what it is you bought. I mean, if I buy something new, it usually comes out during our dinner conversation...I don't really think about it, to be honest and I think that if my H stumbled across something that I bought and didn't tell him, I'd just tell him, Oh yeah, forgot to tell ya I bought blah blah blah...No big deal.

 

Yes, it is very disrespectful to make someone feel less of a human being. To make them feel bad, or feel stupid. That's just cruel!

 

Why not tell your story, maybe we all can help you more?

[noturtypicalwife]

Thanks for the reply.

It's not me its him/he buys things and says nothing about it, when and IF I come across whatever it may be he acts like either A)he already told me and I JUST FORGOT..(He reminds me how bad of a memory I have) or B)he will act like he didn't HAVE to tell me anyway, or c)he just says "and?" It's not that he hurts us finacially or anything, it's just that sometimes I wonder if because of the lack of communication like it used to be he just feels like he has to tell me nothing. The nothings range from items bought, to new accounts, to decsions made that affect a plan for a day I may have had. Instead of srguing I just go with it, thats when I am reminded that "he told me, I just don't remember"

I have told him that sometimes he makes me feel crazy, dumb or stupid, and I want him to just aknowledge and TRY to make a better choice and tell me things, why do I need to stumble upon them or find out later/Why does he need to hide it? Why cant he tell me evrything like he used too? It kills me emotionally, and even having said something to him about this more than once I get no where it seems.

Does this make more sence>

[Cobra_X30]

Do you have memory problems with other people or is this something that just magically happens around your husband?

[noturtypicalwife]

My memory can be off, but not usually. I sometimes double ck myself, and I can remeber if something was bought, not always date, place and time, but who can? I get nervous and withdraw when he says, "I told you, you just don't remember", my gut says no he didn't I may even ask someone else if they recall, and usually I am confirmed he said nothing before that, and if indeed I did forget I say "oh sorry I guess I did."

[Cobra_X30]

My memory can be off, but not usually. I sometimes double ck myself, and I can remeber if something was bought, not always date, place and time, but who can? I get nervous and withdraw when he says, "I told you, you just don't remember", my gut says no he didn't I may even ask someone else if they recall, and usually I am confirmed he said nothing before that, and if indeed I did forget I say "oh sorry I guess I did."

 

My gut says that he is more than likely using this as a smokescreen for something. If this happens all the time... I really doubt your memory is that bad.

 

Do you ever stand up to him? If you do how does he react? Does he get really angry?

[Curmudgeon]

It kinda sorta makes sense.

 

Have you sat him down and told him you feel minimized, disregarded, disrespected and unloved because of this?

[noturtypicalwife]

I have told him, he doesn't seem to care, or he thinks nothing of it because no change has happened. I can say that he gets defensive whenever I bring something like that up, he gets annoyed and that is when the memory card comes into play.

[Mr. Romantic]

Sorry, my dear, but he sounds very using and manipulative.

 

Sounds as if he takes advantage of your 'perceived' weakness.

 

I'll bet your memory is just fine.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you have access to your financial accounts and information? If it's something like a computer we're talking about, pretty easy to look online and see that, 2 days ago, $800 was spent at Comp USA. In the face of that evidence, hard to say "I've always had that"...

 

Mr. Lucky