Lyssa Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 A close friend of mine knew but he told absolutely no one. I would have been too ashamed to tell my close family. They would have thrown their hands up in horror and said he's just using you as he is STILL married. AND they would have been right! Oh I didn't know you're an OW.
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 ...our relationship had two people involved in it and only two people who knew about it and that worked for us. I never needed anyone else to know in order to validate that it was a relationship.. I can see exactly what you mean there. For me, however, I wanted, and enjoy, going out as a couple with our own friends, and to visit (my) family. To me, that's an important part of being with someone... seeing how they interact with others, forging relationships, socialising. Not for validation, but for sheer enjoyment. In fact, before I decided to introduce him to friends and family, and begin socialising as a couple, I really missed that so much... it felt stunted and somewhat dull only to ever spend time as a couple alone. I love both... being alone with him, and being with company.
overandout Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Oh I didn't know you're an OW. XOW to be exact.
RecordProducer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 My affair was a secret from my family and my adult children which I found difficult. My 2 closest friends knew and my therapist. One of my closest friends couldn't accept it and has nothing to do with me which is a great, great loss. One of the high prices I have paid, yet I do not regret the beautiful friendship that I still have with my xMM. The affair is over, but we are great friends. I would never ever give up a friend just because they are cheating on their spouse! I wouldn't consider the loss of such intolerant and judgmental person a great loss. In a way it's hypocritical, because this same person probably closes their eyes on many real crimes. When a friendship ends, there is always an underlying reason that doesn't come out. Think about why they would end the friendship if you weren't cheating. I think it was just an excuse. Maybe they are too conservative and you are not. Maybe they're jealous of you or your children or youre career. Maybe they are afraid you would steal their husband or they might very well want to be in your shoes, but they can't. I had three friends who stopped communication with me (gradually) without ever giving me any reason. I was lucky that they couldn't find any reason to spill it in my face and make me feel guilty. After many years, I spoke to two of them about it and one of them gave me a lame excuse like "our life paths simply split" and the other one lied that she tried to contact me. I always suspected that they were simply jealous of me and those conversations just confirmed that. I don't think there was anything about me that gave them a reason to be jealous - I think it was the fact that they're not happy with themselves.
Author OWoman Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 I would never ever give up a friend just because they are cheating on their spouse! I suppose some people just have different value systems that can't accommodate something they find threatening? None of my friends has ever stood in judgment of my choices, despite them differing quite substantially from their own, on matters like that. In fact, the only people who've ever judged me or said mean things because of my being an OW have been on this forum. But I suppose it's a lot easier to point fingers and call names to someone you don't know, than a real person - especially a friend whose other qualities you may respect or love.
White Flower Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 There seems to be a range here of situations regarding the secrecy or openness of the A or R, given the range of different situations. I'm interested to know, from OW/OM and MM/MW: How open or secret is / was your A / R? How many people, if any, besides yourself and your A / R partner, knew about the A / R? Were / are people generally supportive, or hostile? And I'm interested to know, from BS: When you found out about the A / R, were there others that knew before you found out? What was their attitude to the A / R? Did you tell other people, or keep it quiet? Were other people supportive to you, or did they prefer to keep out of it? No particular reason for asking, just that everyone seems to come from such different places and have such different kinds of support systems to draw on... Hi OWoman, On his side I believe only one close friend knows. I don't know if his friend is supportive because I don't think he admitted it was a PA, but maybe just an EA. I have a few friends who know and I only regret telling one of them because she has moved away and I probably should have never told her. All who I shared my story with later confided in me that they once "cheated" and that was a huge eye-opener for me. I had no idea any of them would have. They all support me which is another great surprise. I believe that people believe more in the success of great love than the institution of marriage. A close friend of mine had a tiny clue because I no longer was complaining about my marriage, but never asked.
RecordProducer Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I suppose some people just have different value systems that can't accommodate something they find threatening? I had a "best friend" who told me about some "magic" (how to get a guy to fall in love with you). I told her jokingly to show me the magic and she said she woudln't even if she knew it and she wouldn't be friends with anyone who would do something like that. That was the first time I ever faced something judgmental. I couldn't believe that she would actually stop talking to me because of some stupid reaason. Well, she eventually stopped talking to me for NO reason. This is the girl who lied that she called and called. She's full of sh*t. And she used to be such a good girl with integrity, so sweet and understanding. I wish I knew what happened. But why did she lie?
CallMeCrazy Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 OWoman... In my situation, I had to tell my 2 roommates because he would be dropping me off, etc. and they would have found out one way or another. At first, they didn't approve, but said they trusted my judgement. Now they love him and want us to work out just as much as I do. I ended up having to tell one of my co-workers since she was getting suspicious and bringing up the notion of the A to others at work. (I work with my MM btw...) As it turns out this gal is a MOW so it's been really great to have one person to talk to about all this stuff! We have since gone out with her and her MM ~ and all of us have become great friends. Back to my relationship with my MM ~ we go out in public far too much and both know it's only a matter of time before we run into someone we know. However, we do work together, so we can usually come up with some excuse why we'd be together anyway.....
bish Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 And I'm interested to know, from BS: When you found out about the A / R, were there others that knew before you found out? yup...seemed the whole town knew except for me. Only when I filed for divorce did all the thing she did during the marriage come out of the woodwork. What was their attitude to the A / R? They thought she was a sleezy wh0re and couldn't believe she would do this to me...much less the kids. And i thought.."then why they hell didn't anyone ever tell me??"....it could have saved me a lot of wasted years. Did you tell other people, or keep it quiet? Were other people supportive to you, or did they prefer to keep out of it? I didn't have to tell other people...they already knew. But I'd give them all the details when the approached me about it at a social event or out and about. Now she is even close to getting fired and she couldn't get a job in town now if she tried. Nobody in a small town wants a homewrecker as an employee...yes its discrimination, but thats the way it is.
silktricks Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Former BS here: No one knew of our friends or family. They would have been shocked. But no one of our friends and family knew that we were living separate either, and would have been equally shocked at that information. We are very private people and kept our problems equally private. I know that the OW told her friends, from some of the things that happened, though my husband never met any of them. Other than the therapist, I told only one person. She was supportive of me in forgiving my H, and I know she would have been equally supportive had I chose not to forgive him. She has never met my H, and is strictly a friend of mine. Of course everyone who knew me knew that there was something terribly wrong, but I had so many things go wrong in such a short period of time that it was easy for people to believe that it was one of the other tragedies.
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